Chapter 155
They chatted until about two in the morning, and she woke up around five, still dark. She loved this feeling. Everyone was asleep, and no one would disturb them. Everything was so quiet, and being awake was a joy, a joy that came from being able to enjoy the joy of falling asleep.
If you fall asleep too quickly, this happiness is too short-lived; if you don’t fall asleep, daybreak will come again. This is the contradiction of happiness.
"Why are you awake? Go back to sleep."
She snuggled deeper into his arms and gradually fell asleep.
The next day, they woke up at the usual time and were surprisingly in good spirits.
There is a saying that a few hours of deep sleep is enough to achieve a restful sleep. Sometimes they can feel refreshed after just two or three hours of sleep.
That day, my mother mentioned the return of Mrs. Liang's daughter and son-in-law and said, "Nowadays, things aren't so particular anymore. As long as they get married, it's not a shameful thing. In the village, even if they get married, they'll still be looked down upon. City people are more casual than country people."
My mother didn't think Wang Jiazhi was that kind of woman, and she often shared similar gossip with her.
Perhaps in my mother's eyes, the second wife in the small mansion, like the concubines of the rich families of the past, was also a legitimate woman. From ancient times to the present, it was almost impossible for a high-ranking official to have only one wife. As long as the master recognized the status of a concubine, the woman outside the wife was also a legitimate and respectable woman. To put it bluntly, the ancient emperor's favorite concubine was just a concubine among the three wives and four concubines. Not only was she a decent woman, she was also extremely noble. Who in the world didn't hope that their daughter could become a favorite concubine?
This was beyond Wang Jiazhi's expectation. She had eloped and had just returned a few days ago. It was inevitable that her parents would look down on her.
My mother said that the man's family was in a very difficult situation. His parents-in-law, his brother and sister-in-law, and several younger brothers and sisters lived together, without even a proper room for them to be alone. They also couldn't afford to live alone.
There was no way the family wouldn't acknowledge them, they were waiting for them to come back. Although they came back so soon, it was still good to be back sooner and feel at ease.
A house and furniture were bought for them, and the dowry had been prepared long ago, but only a portion was given, fearing that the in-laws would worry. A job was also found for the son-in-law. The small circle was bustling with activity again, all discussing Mrs. Liang's new son-in-law.
My mother said she heard people say that Mrs. Liang started crying when she talked about it. She said that this is the only chance a woman has in her life, and she didn't even have a wedding. It was really unfair.
Wang Jiazhi pondered the concept of ritual. Women's lives seemed truly devoid of it. They say life and death are equally important, like getting a son or a daughter, but most women's lives lack any sense of ritual, while men still tend to have more of it. Death, of course, requires ritual, but one is already dead.
While men are alive, there are many rituals like passing the imperial examinations, getting promoted, and taking concubines. For women, it seems like their life is really just a wedding. Even if they have a child, it's still a matter of deciding whether it's a boy or a girl. Even if they have a son, the protagonist is still the son.
Wang Jiazhi thought her life had been devoid of any sense of ceremony. In their place, boys celebrated their hundredth day, but girls didn't. She never married, and when she died, she had no funeral. Instead, her body was left exposed in the wilderness, leaving two victims dead.
The only thing that would feel like a ritual is for her to turn into a ghost and come back to find him.
Sometimes she felt as if she were a ghost, floating back to find him. She really felt her heartbeat and body temperature, didn't she?
But Wang Jiazhi had never been interested in these rituals. Life and death are both profound, but she had no memory of birth or death. It didn't matter whether they existed or not. When it came to marriage, if it was someone you loved, the presence or absence of a ceremony didn't matter. If it wasn't someone you loved, the presence or absence of a ceremony was even less important.
She wasn't afraid of death, it wasn't like she hadn't died before. She had long since given up hope for this life.
But what could he do?
If she left first and later, would he have any solution? She knew he was more afraid of death than she was.
She never thought it was shameful to be afraid of death. No one wanted to live, but there was no other way.
It was also because of this that she felt that he was popular.
During their first chat, he told her that he was afraid of the dark, and he didn't think it was shameful.
Most of the boys she had met were inexplicably concerned about their self-esteem and always acted fearless. They would proudly say they weren't even afraid of death, let alone the dark, snakes, or caterpillars.
Kuang Yumin and the others acted like that. But they didn't dare leave the house. In the end, they threw her out alone until she died, while they hid behind her. It was such a shameful death.
She hadn't seen anything wrong with them collapsing in fear and crying. Who wouldn't be afraid of death? Unlike her, they still had hopes and fantasies about life. Of course, they also played a significant role in the complete destruction of her hopes and aspirations.
It’s just ridiculous to think that they kept saying they were willing to sacrifice themselves for justice and were not afraid of life or death.
He said that those who talk about eternal generations are also afraid of death.
There are probably only two things that can make people fearless of death: faith or despair.
She should have had faith, but in the end it turned into despair.
But she believed that from the beginning to the end, they had no faith, and the same was true for Kuang Yumin.
Old Yi had faith when he was young, and probably Old Wu did too, but time has changed a lot, and they went from not being afraid of death to being afraid of death.
She was really surprised at that time. When they first met, he could actually say frankly that he was afraid given his status.
It was also because of his non-aggressive sincerity that she didn't think he was a scary or annoying person from the beginning. Although appearance was also one aspect.
He didn't come back, and it started to snow and sleet that night. She felt a chill, and with her hair already past her shoulders and her white nightgown draped over her, she opened the curtains. Rain and snowflakes slammed against the windowpane, and she looked out at the trees below, swaying in the rain and snow.
The kitten was sleeping soundly in a ball wrapped in a blanket in her little nest made of a cardboard box.
The window was misted over. With her finger, she drew a small calico cat standing up, its tail trailing behind it, as if its front paws were prying out of the window. Then she wrote: "Miss you." She drew a cat paw print behind it.
She sighed, and tomorrow the mist would turn into a watermark on the window.
Then he went to bed and snuggled into the quilt to sleep.
When he was around, she would say and do nothing, and she would feel at ease. She wouldn't have any wild thoughts, and even if she did, she wouldn't feel the suffocating despair. But when she was alone, she couldn't help but think like that.
Now, the feeling of the countdown to death came back. I didn't know when, it was fine just now, and then with a bang, it disappeared.
It was as if she had spent the entire day socializing with the ladies as usual, and a few hours later, she was dead. Everything happened so quickly.
In the second half of the night, the wind and rain became louder. She was not sleeping soundly and vaguely felt that he had returned.
She moaned, snuggled into his arms, and quickly fell asleep while hugging him.
The next day, she woke up to see his beard had grown back. She even rubbed his stubble and laughed, "How could it grow so fast overnight?"
Just like hairy legs, it feels very comfortable to rub against.
She suddenly wanted to shave him, but hesitated when she took the razor in her hand.
This thing looks very sharp, it might scratch you if you're not careful.
"I don't dare anymore."
"It's okay, I won't die."
"What?"
She finally finished shaving with great fear, and luckily she didn't get hurt. He went to wash his face, and she packed up and changed her clothes.
The little girl came in to clean up and saw the painting on the window through the curtains. She laughed and said, "Why are there window stains on the glass?"
She looked over and exclaimed in her heart, "Ah!"
Not only did the things I drew yesterday not melt into water, but the weather was too cold and they turned into frost flowers.
That little cat, who added “too” after the above sentence?
Luckily, the little girl probably couldn't understand English. But that wasn't necessarily the case. If she went shopping a few times, she would have learned such simple English.
She remained calm on the surface, but as soon as the little girl left the house, she went up to wipe it off. It had turned into frost and was difficult to wipe off.
Never mind, he saw it anyway. The window paper-cut lasted three days.
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