Chapter 165
She would not let him stop at night until they were both going to die if they continued.
She snuggled in his arms and quickly fell asleep.
She woke up in the middle of the night and the room was completely silent. He was truly quiet, not making any noise while asleep. Sometimes she would get really mad and stick close to him to see if he was still breathing.
He said the same thing today, making her think back to those hellish days. Now, in the quiet night, with him by her side, she felt quite at peace. Even if she couldn't help but think about it, it wasn't so scary anymore.
At that time, Old Wu said he would send her to England after the matter was settled. Under normal circumstances, she would not have believed him. But Kuang Yumin said the same thing, so she believed him again. Only after calming down did she realize that they had been lying to her.
No matter how dumb she was, she had heard about the fates of those female spies. But it didn't matter. She had agreed to come with no intention of returning alive. And where could she return to? Being alive was no different from being dead anyway.
At first, she thought that if she was still alive after the deed was accomplished, she would probably be nothing more than useless dregs. Like Xi Shi and Diao Chan, unclean people who were no longer useful, no one would pity her. She would either die or go back to her old life. If they wanted to force her to continue selling her body to seduce others, she was not a prostitute, so at most she would die, and no one would force her. It didn't matter anyway. No matter how bad it got, she would just be back to her old self. But she had done something useful and important, her life was not completely useless, she was not a useless waste. It would be better if she died, free from all worries, more heroic, and she would finally be free.
Even if no one knew her name, Old Wu and Kuang Yumin would likely take all the credit for themselves and never mention her. But what did it matter? No one knew, but she knew. She had lived her life and her tragic sacrifice.
After her first time with him, she was relieved and happy. She had made such a huge sacrifice just to give him today, and finally her sacrifice was not in vain.
But everything that happened afterwards was completely messed up, and everything that happened afterwards was completely and horribly out of her control.
At first, she was simply obsessed with the pleasures of sex with him; they made her forget the pain and pressure, and gave her a brief moment of happiness and satisfaction. But at some point, she couldn't stop thinking about him, even when she couldn't see him. It didn't matter if she did nothing, just seeing him was enough. Even if they weren't alone together, playing cards with them, even if he wasn't around, even if he went into the study and never came out, just knowing he was in the house made her feel at ease. After several such incidents, she was heartbroken, feeling even more guilty about her past. She tried everything.
She told herself that he was a heinous criminal and must die. Killing him would save the country and the people, and save many, many lives.
But it was no use, she told herself again, he was so philandering and lustful, he had had too many women, he was the best at playing tricks and bewitching people. He was very good to her, in fact, he was the same to other women, she was just like those women he had had, just his plaything, he had no true feelings for her.
It was no use, she told herself, she had never been moved by him. It was just that no one had ever been nice to her, and when he was a little nice to her, she was easily moved.
In fact, he was just a good person to her, she was just grateful for his kindness to her, so she couldn't bear to see him die. It was all her own illusion. Because she had never been in love, she mistook gratitude for love. But the more time passed, the more she couldn't deceive herself.
In short, I have tried every possible method, but nothing works. Nothing works.
It was like a knife stabbing into her heart. She watched helplessly, unable to stop it. She tried everything, but the knife didn't slow down even a little.
She thought he deserved to die, but she couldn't bear to see him die.
She hoped that he would not see her again, that he was only attracted to her temporarily and would soon dislike her. Even if she liked him, he would not be worth her reluctance to leave him. But she felt terribly uncomfortable when he really didn't look for her. He ignored her for several days, and she was afraid that she would find someone else and no longer like her.
She was like a character in a novel, split into multiple personalities, as if torn apart by a knife in her heart, the pain excruciating. She was like one of those orcs in the book, tortured by sulfuric acid and alkali. It was as if the knife in her heart had transformed into vines, spreading faster and faster every second, wrapping around her, binding her, completely covering her body, trapping her so tightly that she could barely breathe and almost suffocate.
The pain was so excruciating that it drove her crazy. She really wished she were dead.
But she didn't want to die. She hadn't been afraid of death before. This world was a hell, and living was worse than death. But now she didn't want to die anymore. She still wanted to live. She wanted him to be with her. She knew he wouldn't have a good ending, but she could be with him. If the day came when he couldn't live anymore, she would be with him, and she wouldn't be alone.
Old Wu and Kuang Yumin only scolded and yelled at her. They didn't care about her life or death and couldn't help her at all.
Every time I was so sad, I forgot everything when I saw him. But when he was not around, all the pain came back.
It was also on such a quiet night that she woke up, very awake. She went to the window, opened the curtains, and saw a round moon in the sky.
She felt herself absorbing the essence of the moonlight, and at that moment, for some reason, she was no longer afraid.
So what if I deserve to die?
She is not afraid. She is not afraid of any hell. What else can she be afraid of in this life?
She pulled herself away from the memories of the past, and the pain of being tortured to death was unimaginable.
She buried her head deeper into his arms.
They were all going to die, soon. She quickly stopped thinking about it.
"Go to sleep." He whispered.
She moaned and gradually fell asleep in his arms.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
