Chapter 256
Wang Jiazhi sat at a table by the window, writing in her notebook: "Today's weather isn't particularly hot, so I'll have to stop my car halfway into town and walk to the market. This leisurely stroll is a nice way to clear my mind." There was a shop selling cotton bunnies with long ears, embroidered flowers, and a soft, round, furry tail. They came in white and yellow. I wanted to buy one for my daughter, but I wasn't sure which color would be best. Hesitantly, I picked up the white one when the little one kicked me.
I was very happy that this little guy was so decisive while still in my belly. It was me who was hesitant.
Back on the first floor, the older sister told me about fresh green plums. The emerald green, dripping with water, looked so tart and juicy, and my mouth watered. She also gave me a large peony, its large white petals densely packed together. A bright red center spread out, like a drop of red ink in water, gradually spreading. The flower resembled a peeled, pitted lychee, its center brimming with that bright red. It was truly beautiful.
Today is such an unrealistic and dreamy day. There are such beautiful green plums and peonies in July.
July 9, 1942
After she finished writing, a petal from the peony on the table fell down and landed on the page of the notebook. It was a large white petal with a little red at the tip.
Wang Jiazhi does not have the habit of writing a diary, but if there is something special or an occasional strong feeling, she will record it in a notebook.
She picked up the notebook, already halfway filled. She remembered the two previous ones: the one from high school had been sold as scrap, and the later one, given to Old Wu and his family in a previous life. She couldn't bring it with her in this life, and since she didn't want it to be barbecued there, she found a place to bury it. This one was the one she started writing in when she returned to him. Fearing it might be seen, she only recorded what she could write, even if someone saw it.
These were all her most cherished memories, but now this was all she had. It was truly a shame that, after all this wandering, she couldn't even keep two notebooks.
Wang Jiazhi thought about the copy from her previous life, and it was probably burned by Old Wu and the others.
In fact, she knew that Old Wu burned the letter she wrote to her father, and Old Wu should also know that she knew it.
When I came out of the house, I smelled a strong smell of ashes. There were still ashes in the iron basin. It was obvious.
He could have waited until she was gone before burning it, but he felt no need to hide from her that he didn't treat her like a human being. She didn't deserve it. Just like he could later say to her with a clear conscience that it didn't matter if she died, as long as she didn't give out the list.
Wang Jiazhi dispelled her thoughts and wondered why she should think about that bastard.
At that time, on the thirteenth day after Wang Jiazhi's death, a notebook was delivered to his desk.
It was a light green notebook with a very worn cover, obviously not well protected.
He opened it and found a photo inside. It was a half-length shot of her, with her hair down and wearing a light blue dress. She was so young, an innocent schoolgirl. She was smiling, but it was a forced smile, as if she was about to cry.
It was taken when she first arrived in Hong Kong. She only took one photo because her living expenses were limited, so she intended to send it to her father, but ultimately never did. From then until her death, she only took that one photo of herself.
That page reads:
I knew God was destroying me, merely allowing me to endure these trivial torments before finally wiping out my life. I also knew that ending my life now would be the best way out for me. Struggling to live in this torment only increased my suffering. Yet, I remained steadfast, determined to finish my education, even though I knew studying would be meaningless in changing my circumstances and would only add to the financial burden that was already weighing on me.
But apart from this, what else can I hold on to? Apart from finishing my studies, what else do I have left!!!
My past was so ridiculous, and my struggles now are still so futile and ridiculous in the eyes of fate. Now I am not afraid of death, but before fate takes my life, I will continue to struggle in vain to live, just because I don't want to let fate manipulate me and let him get what he wants.
April 23, 1942
He started reading from the first page.
Today is the third day since my mother passed away. When I returned home, I found that my notebook was missing. My brother said that he and my father were sorting out old things at home during the day and thought it was a useless old notebook, so they sold it as scrap.
He knew that it was the notebook where I usually recorded important things, and it was placed under my pillow. My favorite books, postcards, and my favorite paintings were all sold as junk.
Even though I tolerated him repeatedly and never dared to express any dissatisfaction with him, he still hated me, simply because people said I was better than him.
My mother passed away, and the only person in this family who loved me is gone.
That notebook recorded the joys and sorrows of the past. When it was taken away, it seemed as if my past life was gone forever.
These words are written on the first page of a new notebook, marking the beginning of my new life. I am terrified that from now on, it will only record sorrow, not joy.
October 17, 1935
A few tears fell on the page, and a few words were blurred by the tears.
Today is the tenth day since my mother passed away. My father wants me to move in with the school. He had already picked someone when my mother was seriously ill and planned to get married soon.
I felt very sad when I saw my mother's things being sold or thrown away, leaving the house one by one.
I moved to school by myself this afternoon. It was the first time in my life that I had to move and pack my things by myself. I thought I couldn't carry so many things, but I did. I guess I need to learn to grow up on my own.
October 24, 1935
My father and brother left for England today. Although he and my mother promised to take me with them when she passed away, I know that the possibility is extremely small.
Although it wasn't unexpected, it was still sad to find that I was the only one left when the time came. I didn't cry when they left, and I remained calm until I got back to school.
Before she died, my mother told my father to leave her jewelry to me as a dowry. He agreed, but he took it all, leaving nothing behind. I don't care how much the items are worth; I just want to keep something of my mother as a memento.
Especially the pink crabapple bracelet. I told my father that I only wanted that one, but he didn't agree.
I still remember that when I was a child, she always held me in her arms, put the bracelet on my hand, and taught me: How to make the bracelet fall off after being wrapped around the wrist.
August 15, 1937
There wasn't a single tear on that page, but there was a watercolor inside, a painting of the pink crabapple bracelet.
I know I am completely ruined. I don't object to my sacrifice and I regret it, but why did those people treat me like this? In the name of a sacrifice that has already caused me unbearable pain, they made me endure even more horrible and disgusting humiliation, making my sacrifice seem so ridiculous.
I treated them so sincerely, why were they so vicious?
But I hate myself even more for being so stupid and despicable!!!
August 27, 1939
The page was covered with tear marks, and the words were almost blurred.
I watched Waterloo Bridge today and ended up crying under the covers. It wasn't that she was weak and felt she was unclean and deserved death, but rather she was tired of facing the repeated tricks of fate.
December 3, 1940
Someone said there were jobs for copyists in the south. I went there early in the morning, but there were no jobs. I was so hungry I could barely walk on my way back. Someone on the road said there were bread distribution sites in the north. On my way there, a bomb exploded, and the group of patients fell down. I couldn't tell if they were paralyzed by hunger or just the impact of the gust of air.
I leaned over and found a red patch on my hand. I thought I'd hit my head, but it turned out to be a bright red kapok flower. I looked up and saw I was actually under a kapok tree, the tree in full bloom, and the ground covered in fallen leaves. Dizzy with hunger, all I could see was the tree and the ground, a blood-red mess.
The blurry crowd in front of me was running around, and I could hear the crowd shouting in fear.
My mother's face suddenly appeared before my eyes, the same as when I was eight or nine years old. Back then, she would take me to appreciate the kapok flowers every year.
In the past, I always hoped to dream about her, always hoping that after death, the soul can ascend to heaven and she would be watching me from there. But later I didn't dare to do that anymore.
I used to be her pride, but not anymore. I no longer dare dream of her, and I no longer hope for a soul after death. If she were still alive, how heartbroken and disappointed she would be to see her proud daughter behave so utterly absurdly. The only person in this world who loved me would no longer love me.
The crowd fled, but I remained there, stunned. I hoped that after I died, I would just vanish into thin air, without a soul, without encountering my mother, without an afterlife.
Fortunately, someone really gave me a piece of brown bread, which was very delicious and gave me the strength to walk back.
April 3, 1942
The last page of the notebook reads:
I'm leaving, and I think I should be considered to have existed.
September 19, 1942
"Lan Jie, this incident is all my fault for being too careless. I scared you. I never thought that Old Wu would act so recklessly."
He laughed. "No big deal. I think it's all a misunderstanding."
"I've already disciplined him. You and I both knew him when we were young. I thought he'd become more mature and his temper would improve, but he's still like this."
"I've been thinking that over the years, I might not have been considerate enough to Yuan Kai. Over the years, I've been hoping for a chance to have a good chat with Yuan Kai and untie the knot that's been lingering for so many years."
"Don't say that. We've all been watching each other grow up. We all know how you treat him."
After he left, someone said to the man, "If we hand Old Wu over to him, he'll probably be dead."
The man said, "Old Wu offends people everywhere. If he doesn't die at his hands, he will die at the hands of his own people sooner or later. It would be better to use him to exchange for a few good people."
"I heard that this time, Old Wu killed a lover he loved very much. He definitely can't let him go."
"Impossible. He was like that when he was young. He changed women like he changed clothes. He hated Old Wu so much that after spending most of his life with him, no one wanted to keep him around anymore."
Old Wu had originally thought that even if he hadn't been killed, the fact that he had agreed to contact them was a great accomplishment. His superiors had said he'd be promoted and allowed to stay in Shanghai, but he hadn't expected to be sold out like this.
To the outside world, he was the one who abandoned the light and joined the dark.
This guy knew that falling into Lao Yi's hands would be worse than death, but at the last moment he still didn't have the courage to commit suicide.
When Old Wu entered, he was so scared that his whole body was shaking, and his teeth were chattering when he spoke.
For the first time in his life, he spoke to Lao Yi with terrifying flattery. He repeatedly told him that it was all a misunderstanding, that it had nothing to do with him, and that it was all the ignorant and fearless actions of those fools like Kuang Yumin. He had no idea.
Besides constantly offending people, Old Wu's biggest flaw in his life is his impulsive temper, his reckless abandon. With such a temper, it's a miracle he's still alive.
"Lan Jie, after so many years of friendship... I've always been grateful to you... You've been so tolerant and caring towards me since we were young. I know I've let you down in many ways, but that was all due to my youthful recklessness... I've always felt bad about it... I've always... hoped... for the opportunity... to repay your kindness, I..."
Because he was so scared, Old Wu spoke breathlessly, as if he had just run a very long distance.
Old Yi stood there silently, the dim light from the basement casting a shadow on his pale, sharp face, making him look even more sinister and terrifying. Old Wu fell silent for a moment, and the only sound he could hear was the sound of water dripping from the roof onto the iron torture instruments.
I don't know how long the dead silence lasted, then Old Wu suddenly broke down and said, "Lan Jie, believe me, this really has nothing to do with me, please forgive me."
He still looked at him without saying a word.
This made Old Wu even more upset and he started talking nonsense.
A drop of water dripped onto his head and seeped into his scalp. From the top of his head to the soles of his feet, a chill penetrated his bones.
He said, "Which one should I serve first? You can choose."
Then he added, "After you've chosen, let your three children choose."
Old Wu screamed in fear, "I beg you, spare them, don't hurt my child..."
He whispered, "Everyone's child is innocent." His voice was so soft that no one could hear it except himself.
Old Wu had to accept the reality that his family had no chance of survival. He cursed at him out of fear and despair, but he remained silent, which made Old Wu feel bored.
When Old Wu finally calmed down, he said miserably, "She's already so pitiful, how could you still have the heart to do that to her?"
Old Wu said, "Her own parents are destroying her, so why can't I destroy her? She's just a bitch that's everywhere. How many bitches like her die every year? And you treat her like a treasure. You even want to keep her in a golden house and live a normal life with her. You idiot!"
Old Wu had somehow managed to get the notebook onto his desk. But this wasn't enough torture. Of course, he wasn't sure if Old Yi still had deep feelings for the little girl. But he wouldn't pass up any opportunity to torture him.
"She didn't die in my hands, she died in yours. How could you not pity her? She loved you very much. At that time, she cried and begged me to do it quickly, otherwise she would really not be able to leave you. She said she didn't want to, but she couldn't. It was you. He said you had a way to make her not want to be tempted, but you couldn't. You killed her. She will never hate me until she dies. She hates you. I don't care about her. She's just a rotten bitch. Who wouldn't pity her?"
He said: "That's right, who isn't pitiful? You are the most pitiful."
Old Wu's wife and two children are dead, but he still has a concubine and her children.
Old Yi killed innocent people indiscriminately, but he was not responsible for the death of his wife and children. But this time, he completely wiped out Old Wu's family.
Only Wang Jiazhi knew about her pregnancy; he never knew about it. He not only destroyed Old Wu's family, but also his own offspring.
Old Wu died a very miserable death and was tortured for a very long time.
Wang Jiazhi was grateful that he hadn't known about it. He hadn't even considered having children anyway, so finding out would only add to his worries.
He finished reading the notebook and recalled their first time together. Because they had experienced so many memorable and lingering moments since then, they had long since forgotten that inglorious beginning.
The female spies he had captured were also in that room and tortured to death. However, he was not the kind of person who was obsessed with sex and did not touch them.
At that time, he also wanted to kill her, but he liked her very much and wanted to have her once before killing her. If he had known her situation at the time, he would not have done so. He thought that she was just like them, except that she was not very skilled, and she would not care about having one more time with him.
She had never been trained and was not afraid at all. Although she had no feelings for him, when she turned around and saw him about to start, she suddenly stopped struggling, turned her head and lay down, obediently waiting for his ravage, and then clumsily catered to his brutality.
The first time she was deceived, she was in great pain. But the second time, she was still foolishly deceived. She foolishly tried her best to do what they asked her to do. But in their eyes, she was just a ridiculous and filthy bitch.
"Why are you so stupid?" he said to himself.
She is very smart, and if she is taught, she can also have the ability of a top agent, but she will never be as top as them because she will never learn to be so conscienceless.
In those final days, she was always happy with him, never crying or showing any sadness. Each time, she blossomed as if she had given her all. She didn't know which time would be the last, and she really wanted him to remember her more. Although, if he knew the truth, he might only think she was lewd.
Once he fell asleep beside her for a while, and when he woke up he didn't know whether it was a dream or she really whispered in his ear: "Don't forget me so quickly."
The later it got, the more tired she felt. She felt as tired as if a pool of water was spreading and dispersing. She was exhausted and had no strength left. She was mentally exhausted.
Later, she watched a movie where the heroine said she was so tired that she had no strength left. The hero said: It will be fine once you get used to it.
One time when he returned to his apartment, a bracelet fell out of his pillow that looked very similar to the one in the notebook.
Wang Jiazhi accidentally found a bracelet that was very similar to her mother's. Although she had limited money, she still found a way to buy it.
She wanted to leave a few words for him, but she didn't dare to leave anything. Finally, she stuffed the bracelet into her pillow.
It wouldn't matter if someone found it; leaving jewelry behind was normal. Or maybe he wouldn't go there again, and it would never be discovered. Even if he did find it, what would it matter? He wouldn't think anything of it, and would just think of it as dropped jewelry like everyone else. The thought of this made her feel very sad.
The last notebook she left behind in the world, unfortunately, was filled with sadness, just as she had written on the first page. If she could, she would have kept a notebook about their time together, and there would have been joy in it. But unfortunately, she was unable to leave a single word. It was as if the only light and joy in her life could only remain in darkness forever, never to be revealed to the public.
But the only thing she could be thankful for was that there wasn't a single word about Kuang Yumin in the notebook. She had originally thought that it would be a source of joy, but in the end it was endless torture.
She didn't know then that obsession leads to recollection. After her death, he discovered the bracelet and understood what she meant: "Why did it become so loose, so loose, so loose around my wrist?"
The year before his death, he visited her hometown. It was the peak season for kapok flowers. The trees were covered with bright red flowers, and the ground was also covered with fallen flowers. He seemed to see her in a bright red dress with flowers in her hair.
He burned the notebook to ashes and buried the ashes under the largest and most beautiful kapok tree.
Before burning it, he wrote under the last line of words she left in the notebook: Wang Jiazhi, I went home for you.
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