Chapter 266
Wang Jiazhi was reading a novel about how love and marriage always end in disarray. She had heard of it for a long time but only just found the time to read it.
She was okay with the main content, but was deeply touched by a plot that was irrelevant to the main theme.
Several people traveled from Shanghai to Hunan for work. The journey involved a few days of boat travel before switching to rickshaws. A heavy rain struck in the middle of the night, and the journey through the dark, muddy terrain was arduous. We were soaked and covered in mud. Finally, we found accommodation in a rural inn. Unable to shower or wash our hair, we had to dry our clothes and sleep with our hair tangled in dirt. The inn was filthy and full of mixed people. The food even had maggots in it. The room was divided into several rooms by thin partitions, and the beds were infested with lice, fleas, and bedbugs, leaving us sleepless and scratched until we were covered in blood. The next day, we had to transfer to a long-distance bus, but the crowds kept us waiting for several days to buy a ticket. Finally, we finally got on the bus, packed with luggage and people, like sardines in a can. The bumpy mountain road was so rough that the day's ride was almost too much for our bones. Then we had to stay in another filthy inn, and then try to find a way to wait for the long-distance bus.
When they finally arrived at the place, they were treated like beggars.
There were five people inside, four men and one girl. Wang Jiazhi thought, if it weren't for those four male colleagues, who knows what a girl in her twenties would encounter on the road, in this remote place, and staying overnight.
Being eaten by wild animals in the wilderness is a clean and pleasant experience, but the place where I stay is a mess, with prostitutes and clients everywhere. If I get abused and tortured, it would be unbearable...
Wang Jiazhi thought of that house again, and every time she thought of it, her hair stood on end. It was more terrifying than the cemetery in "Strange Stories from a Chinese Studio," the eighteen levels of hell, or the filthy hotel in this novel.
You may be forced and tortured in those places, but you won't feel disgusted.
I went in happily with them, but now I'm unclean. Not only is my body unclean, but my soul is also dirty. Why did I agree to that? I really deserve to die.
She felt that she was alone, foolishly and happily following a group of green-faced, fang-toothed ghosts into hell. If she died, all would be over, but if she couldn't die, she would be tortured for the rest of her life.
The professors in the book weren't worthy of being role models. They were all the same, jealous and calculating. Even if no one provoked them, they would still routinely spread obscene rumors about girls behind their backs. They indulged in drinking, whoring, and gambling, yet shamelessly spread rumors about others like a gentleman. Imagine a male teacher like that. If he were even more audacious and disgusting, what would happen to those female students? She shook her head, not daring to think further.
In the film, a woman is pursued by a sleazy coworker, and she's miserable. Her roommates spread rumors that she and the coworker are deeply in love. Then, she gets engaged to a friend, only to be rumored to have bad behavior. They say the marriage is already a done deal, and they have to get married. They also say she might be pregnant and they're worried about hiding it. All the Lai Xiujins in the world are the same.
It's exactly like a clique. Human nature is universal, after all.
She thought back to her original plan: to work her way through school, get a diploma, and find a job. If she were to travel far to work like the girl in the book, she'd have no family or companions, and she wasn't sure if she could handle the bumps along the way. She wasn't afraid of hardship, but if she did encounter bad guys while traveling, she wouldn't be able to defeat them.
Then I thought, the girl in that video is a college graduate from a well-off family, and she only got the job through her family's help. Without anyone to help me, I'm afraid I wouldn't even be able to get that job.
Wang Jiazhi recalled those days in Hong Kong, when she had nothing to eat and, at her worst, no water to drink. She was so hungry she desperately copied things for others, but she wasn't sure if she would get paid. She had no choice. Luckily, she didn't refuse to pay and was actually paid.
After returning to Shanghai, she endured hunger, cold, and hard labor at her aunt's house; even a pickled radish was a luxury. She recalled her own illness, lacking even a sip of hot water. She hadn't thought it at the time, but now she realized that no matter how strong she was or how healthy she was, she might not have been able to withstand such torture. She might have died before she finished her studies. Her father and aunt were relieved after her death, but she wondered if they would be willing to spend money on a frugal coffin to bury her.
In fact, her family was middle-class. If her mother hadn't died, and the whole family had gone abroad, with her mother by her side, she wouldn't have been so miserable. Or perhaps her father had a bit of humanity and asked relatives and friends back home to find her a job, but no one was willing to take care of her.
Looking back on those days now, it feels like a past life and present life. At this time, the eldest sister came up to bring washed sheets and quilts, and the aunt came to bring things she brought from the city.
Wang Jiazhi thought to herself, isn't she just a parasite now? Without him, she would still be living in dire straits, but that life might not last long. She might die.
As a child, her family was well-off, and she read the works of literati. She firmly believed that even from a very poor family, one could still make ends meet and retain a romantic nature. Even today, she still believes that romance and material possessions are not inversely proportional. However, after experiencing the hardships of poverty over the years, some details have changed her perceptions from her childhood.
Romance does not necessarily rely on material things, but most romances always need a certain material foundation to maintain.
For example, Cao Xueqin persisted in writing Dream of the Red Chamber even after his impoverished son starved to death. However, the basis for his writing was the prosperity and wealth he had enjoyed in his youth. Without that material foundation, and living a life of hardship, what would he have written about? Later generations often mocked Gao E for his petty continuation, claiming he had never experienced prosperity.
Li Bai, the most romantic poet, still had to be a son-in-law repeatedly to have money to support his romance.
Du Fu's children were all given away, but he was still content to die of cold in his broken house. Legend has it that he hadn't eaten meat for a long time, and someone kindly gave him some, so he ate too much and died.
She didn't find the story funny, she just felt sorry for it.
If someone is born into extreme poverty and material scarcity, they can't possibly relate to romance. This is because they've never seen beauty. Almost all beauty is somewhat related to material things.
Romance is often linked to literary talent. Consider this: most romantics are at least literate, and literacy requires money. How many children from ordinary families lack the money to learn to read? How can they even dream of joking with the wind and moon, reciting poetry and writing books in poverty? Even if they did, they wouldn't be able to cite classic texts to offer any insight. At best, they'd be like an illiterate old woman pointing to a bed sheet painted with orchids and stones and saying it's more beautiful than the luxuriant peony.
Thinking back to those days when she was starving and cold, her only spiritual sustenance was reading, and she saved money to go to the movies. What if she didn't even have money to go to the movies, and she couldn't keep the old books she bought? What spiritual life would she have, and how could she maintain her romantic nature?
Life was good as a child, but then she was tortured by the hardship. All she had was poverty, and all the good things from her childhood seemed like a distant past, and she couldn't recall them. When she did recall them, it was even more painful than the heavens and the earth. When hardship reaches its peak, even the memories of the good times become painful.
As she read on, she discovered that the book mentioned that married women were like opened medicine, worthless. Her heart ached. As a woman who had never been married and had already lost her virginity, wasn't she even more worthless?
She likes reading novels, but it really hurts her when she reads novels that talk about how girls should behave properly, not seeing strange men, not hugging anyone, and so on.
In her past life, her aunt had repeatedly urged her to marry. She'd only need to buy her some clothes, but she'd have to study for several years, with tuition and living expenses. With the situation so chaotic, and no one knowing how many things would change, the cost was unpredictable, but it was definitely going to be more than marrying her off. And if she married, she'd get a free betrothal gift.
At that time, my aunt had inquired about a man in his forties whose wife had recently died and who had four children. He was willing to pay for a young, beautiful wife as a successor. Her aunt had taken the idea seriously at the time, but she didn't say it directly. She had tested her resolve and knew there was no way out.
She thought to herself, if she agreed, wouldn't it be a joke? But then she thought vindictively, "You'll have to bear the consequences."
If someone were to spend money to buy a virgin girl and found out they'd been cheated, there would be a big fuss. If there was a real fuss, her aunt wouldn't just pay back the betrothal gift to settle the matter.
That was the truth. As long as she was willing, she wouldn't be unloved. Of course, she certainly wasn't a nice, decent woman. Women were the most objectified. If they could sleep and bear children, someone would always want them. But even in her most destitute years, Wang Jiazhi firmly believed she would rather starve to death than enter into marriage simply to survive. It had nothing to do with that incident. She firmly believed that a marriage without love was a long-term affair.
She has compromised love into emotion, but this kind of emotion is not something that can be easily obtained.
She did not regret losing the opportunity to have a good marriage, but she regretted that she had lost the opportunity to love forever.
She didn't know what love was yet. She was only ignorantly attracted to Kuang Yumin, and then there was nothing left but hatred. It wasn't even her first love, let alone love.
Her romantic nature made her believe that even though love was extremely rare, she also believed that she must be one of the very few lucky people who would definitely encounter it.
But that was before that nightmare.
Her beautiful fantasy about love always imagined that love was like fading clouds and fragile glass, beautiful, sensitive, and fragile. It was like a pure and innocent girl kept in seclusion, and any man outside the family would consider it blasphemous if he only glanced at her clothes.
But she herself had destroyed everything. Her most precious love, the most basic thing, was destroyed by her own self-contempt and self-deprecation, and it was destroyed in a mess and filth.
She wouldn't feel that way if love wasn't mentioned, but when it was mentioned, she felt that she was dirty and disgusting, and not worthy of anything related to love.
If she had had deeper feelings for him at the beginning, she would not have gone to bed with him so easily.
In Tess's opinion, Tess was young and ignorant and was abused and gave birth to a child, and her husband was young and ignorant and had an affair with a prostitute. No one is a blank slate, and no one should look down on anyone else.
But she only cared about herself, she didn't care what happened to him. And there was nothing wrong with him, those women wanted him to have fun. But her situation was different, she just felt disgusted and filthy.
The women he found were almost all wives of officials. Firstly, he knew them well, so it was safe. Secondly, they were well-versed in the ways of the world, so he could relax and unwind without any hassles. Anyway, he didn't take it personally. If he was truly tempted, he should have found a girl with a clean record, not one like her.
It wasn't because of the cannibalistic concept of chastity, but because she felt she was far from ideal.
He fought for his life, only to have a misstep that would bring him eternal regret. It was torture enough. If he had never been moved by love in his life, and finally fell in love, but only ended up with a broken heart, it would be too unfair to him.
He wanted as many girls of clean backgrounds as he wanted. Mrs. Yi and the others had also mentioned that many people were eager to give him young actors or female students who were not married, but he just didn't want them.
Thinking back, I can't blame him for being angry then. He gave up so many good things and ended up with the worst one.
She was so cheap, and it was okay with her. Of course, it was even more okay with him. She felt dirty, and he might have felt disgusted when he touched her.
Because of this, she would never mention that word again in her life, nor would she express anything to him. If the truth ever came to light, he would find her intentions disgusting. Her body and soul had already been tainted, and she couldn't let her last and most precious possession be tainted as well. The best way to protect it was to not take it out and expose it to the possibility of contamination.
She had heard a story about a nobleman who fell head over heels in love with a commoner girl. He gave up his wealth and fame for her and eloped and married her. Later, he learned that his brother was out to take revenge on him. The girl was just a lowly prostitute. His disgust left him with a lingering fear, and he became a dissolute man for the rest of his life, never to believe in love again.
Wang Jiazhi was deeply touched after hearing this.
Of course, he wouldn't be that deeply affected by that incident, but he might have the same disgusting feeling as her.
She had considered it, perhaps because she cared too much, only assuming the worst. Perhaps he had feelings for her, but they weren't as deep-seated as she was. But once he'd discovered her identity as an assassin, he'd definitely killed her. That was all. She really hoped that was the case.
She quickly dispelled her thoughts, otherwise the feeling of being tortured would reappear.
The book wasn't long, so she finished it quickly, calming her mind. Now that she was older, another emotional breakdown would be no joke.
She packed up and went downstairs for a walk. A vegetable vendor on the street also put two pots of flowers in front of the store to sell.
She saw a pot of musk lilies that were blooming particularly well and asked the price. The middle-aged woman selling flowers was surprised and said, "If you put flowers in your house, you will give birth to a girl. You can't buy it." It seemed as if she couldn't do anything harmful to make money.
Wang Jiazhi was very indignant and turned away.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
