Chapter 284
When Wang Jiazhi woke up, it was already daybreak and he had already left. She was a little vague about the details, but she only remembered that she clung to him for a while as before, and then she fell asleep again.
Last night didn't drain him, but instead exhausted herself. She stared out the window in a daze. Perhaps she was just being overly suspicious; he used to love teasing her like that. If he really suspected something, he wouldn't act so calmly. But he was very cunning. Even if he knew or noticed something, he could keep it secret.
She also checked on him. He had lost some weight, but his spirits were the same as before. He would lose more weight when he encountered something, but he was already very thin, so there was no limit to how much he could lose.
She thought it was probably because of her. But perhaps something had happened again. She didn't understand his side of things, which made her feel useless. Of course, she hoped his feelings for her were as deep as possible, but she kept avoiding the possibility that he really did have overly deep feelings for her. If one day he knew something, he would be less emotional, less disappointed. Even if it weren't for this, she felt unworthy.
At this time, she hugged her knees with her arms and looked at her white legs and feet.
"I'm just stupid anyway!" she said to herself.
I was stunned for a while, then remembered that it was time to feed the baby, and the wet nurse just happened to bring the baby over.
The child was sucking milk contentedly in her arms. She touched her head and back, remembering that he was like this at night.
Sharing a bottle, oh my god, she actually said that word.
After feeding, she patted the kitten's back, played with her for a while until she fell asleep, put her in the cradle and went to take a bath herself.
That day was quiet and long, no different from any other day she'd spent here before. It felt long, lonely, yet reassuring. She knew he would eventually return, though she couldn't bear to think that one day he might not, and she couldn't even begin to imagine the reason. But she lied to herself that it was a long, long time in the future, still far, far away. It was like a terminally ill person being told they had only a hundred days left, counting them one by one, feeling like there were so many more days left.
The maid told her to go to dinner, her usual breakfast and lunch. The dishes were a bit too rich. She used to eat only two meals a day, one in the morning or at noon, and told the kitchen to keep things simple. She prepared better food in the evenings, so if he came home, she'd eat with him; if he didn't, she'd eat alone. Sometimes, if she couldn't finish her meal, she'd give half to the servants and save the other half for herself the next day. Even so, in the eyes of the servants, she was still quite frugal.
Perhaps it was because she had given birth, and even though she had already left the confinement period, they felt that she was now more valuable because of her child and needed to be cared for more carefully. She didn't like this change, reminding her that it had been a long time since she left, and she had been away for a long time.
While eating, she told her mother that it was the same as before and that she didn't need to eat like this.
The little girl said, "Master said that we should take good care of our bodies."
Wang Jiazhi said helplessly: "I'm already out of confinement, do I have to make up for it for the rest of my life?"
She remembered that he was not like that at first last night and asked her if she had not recovered well enough.
In fact, he felt that she was not at home during her pregnancy and childbirth, and no matter how careful those people were, their service was limited, and she was short of food and drink. It would be better for her to come back and recuperate for a while.
Wang Jiazhi thought, "There's no way we can finish all the food sent here. If we keep eating, we'll become as fat as a pig." Ordinary people have to go back to work after the confinement period. In the countryside, some people have no one to take care of them during the confinement period, not even a sip of water. Then she thought about the girl in the other ward. She didn't know how she was doing now. She couldn't get better.
At noon, the child woke up. After feeding her, she played with a white rose. The little girl also came over to play with the child, saying how beautiful she was. Wang Jiazhi asked about her family's situation during her absence and, most importantly, whether he had found someone.
In fact, she knew it was useless to ask. Why would he want them to know about his people? Even if he knew, he would not tell her. After all, they were all his people.
The little girl said, "No, he still lives here after his wife left. He rarely goes back. He's very worried and always on edge. How could he have the energy to mess things up?"
The little girl reported her recent experiences. She had long since cut herself off from the circle of false imperial edicts, but she had learned the news from her mother and the little girl. They stayed in the house with her all day, and she had no idea how they knew.
The little girl talked about how Mrs. Liao's daughter's husband treated her badly after she got married. She always blamed her parents for their power, keeping mistresses outside and bringing dancers home. Her parents-in-law didn't care, always siding with their son, saying that if the daughter-in-law was virtuous, her husband wouldn't be so reluctant to go home and spend his days out. When she returned to her parents' home, they still forced her to endure it and pressured her to go back.
Wang Jiazhi recalled that she had only met Mrs. Liao's daughter once, and later she had called the Yi family to look for her. At that time, she had just moved here. She was a naive little girl then, but now she was a grouchy woman, bothered by trivial matters.
Wang Jiazhi didn't understand why anyone had to get married. Whether they liked it or not, happy or not, they just had to get married. Mrs. Liao's daughter came from a wealthy family, but her parents didn't dote on her. She wouldn't necessarily starve to death if she refused the arranged marriage and went out to find work, but how could she, accustomed to being a rich and powerful woman, be willing to give up her wealth and splendor?
But if it is not for survival, why do you have to get married, as you would suffer less and be freer if you don't get married?
The little girl remembered that when she was packing her luggage yesterday, there were two boxes of things she had never seen before, and she didn't know where to put them.
When she took them over, one box contained her old clothes, and the other box contained her books and writings from college.
The older female spy was indeed much better than Old Wu. She did not lie to her and really helped her keep the things. At least she did not burn them like Old Wu did.
But how did it end up in his hands? Oh, didn't he say he took a few? That's probably how he got it. I hope he didn't catch that woman. But doesn't that woman have connections with him? It's not certain that he'll give her things to him.
Seeing these things again, I felt like I was in my past and present life.
Those clothes had been hastily crammed into the suitcase when Kuang Yumin and his men had brought them over. They'd been too lazy to sort them out, so they'd only picked out one or two to change into and quickly brought them back here. Of course, those clothes couldn't be worn, so they'd been left there. Now, each one had been washed and ironed, neatly arranged in the suitcase, with mothballs and a small bag of dried jasmine flowers in the middle.
The box of books and manuscripts was also arranged differently from the ones she had previously arranged. It was neatly arranged and even contained mothballs and jasmine bags to prevent them from being eaten by insects.
This should have been organized by him. He thought the smell of mothballs was too unpleasant, so he liked to add some dried jasmine flowers to dilute the smell.
They didn't know when it started, but they had already started treating each other's things as their own. Since it was hers, he naturally helped her organize it.
Wang Jiazhi picked up the washed-out, stiff cotton clothes one by one. He didn't know what to think. If he saw her in these tattered clothes, or worse, if he saw her three years later, sallow and thin, standing in line for relief rice in a threadbare cotton gown, would he still like her? He probably wouldn't even look at her. But she always felt that he would still like her, not with a deep, profound feeling, but just a superficial liking. People always like to idealize the ones they love, and she was no exception. Her most crucial fantasy about love was gone, but the others remained.
Her clothes were all plain, none of them brightly colored. Because of her limited finances, the brightly colored fabrics she could afford were often too tacky; plainer clothes were better. He probably imagined how unfashionable she must have been in the past. But it was also true; without nice clothes as a foundation, how could one dress well?
She picked up a light navy blue plaid dress that her mother had made for her. Fifteen or sixteen was the time of rapid growth, and she grew so fast that her old dress seemed too short.
At that time, her mother was already gravely ill, but she hadn't realized how serious her illness was. She always gave the impression of being worn out and exhausted from overwork. She was very beautiful, and her mother had always loved making brightly colored clothes for her since she was a child. She was so proud to hear people praise her beauty. But on that occasion, she had gone against her usual norm and chosen such plain fabrics for her. Later, she realized her mother felt her time was running out, and her daughter was only sixteen, a very dangerous age. Without her protection, her father probably couldn't be relied upon. She was afraid of attracting trouble by wearing something too bright and eye-catching.
Wang Jiazhi felt a pang of pain in her heart. She really let her mother down. Not only was she an eyesore, but her entire being had been ruined to the point that she even thought she was dirty.
Thinking of this, she didn't notice that her tears were dripping onto the fabric, and then they turned into wet spots. She remembered that her mother died before she was forty, and she was still worried about her before she died, but she didn't let her down.
Even in her final days, her mother was remarkably calm. She had never seen her express any strong emotions. But when she helped her mother up and propped her up against a pillow, she noticed the back of the pillow was soaked with tears. She must have been terrified and heartbroken, but there was no one to share her feelings. She feared that sharing her feelings would only upset her husband and worsen the situation. The two children were so young, and telling them would only worsen the grief of the soon-to-be-motherless children. If they were upset, she would only be more heartbroken.
His mother also knew that his father was looking for someone. She was there at the time and told him, "I don't care. As long as it's good for the two children."
At that time, she thought to herself, "You're going to die soon. What can he do to you if you don't agree?"
She and her father were very distant. Although they lived under the same roof, he barely saw her. He cared about his reputation and would brag about his daughter's academic performance, beauty, and intelligence in front of others, appearing incredibly proud and intoxicated, as if he truly cherished her. In reality, her brother was far less impressive and had no capital to show off.
But only that time did she feel the connection of a close relative. She was certain that, after nearly twenty years of marriage, her mother had endured everything, working tirelessly for nearly twenty years. Her father would have no sympathy for her death. He would only consider her unlucky, dying before the age of forty, leaving him with two children and the hassle of remarriage.
She kept wondering what her mother had gained in her life. She endured a lifetime of burning with tears, only to die young. Her husband, besides disdain, showed her no compassion. Even in her final days, she couldn't even cry freely.
After so many years of wandering, she longed to return to her mother's grave. All her family had left, leaving her buried alone in a solitary grave with no one to pay her respects. But she worried that the bumpy road would be bad for her children, so even if she could go back, she wouldn't have the courage.
She no longer had any of her mother's belongings from her previous life. The quilts and clothes she made for her were either left in the school or in the house.
That night, she fled in panic, wearing only the clothes she was wearing. She didn't dare go back, feeling ashamed and afraid the police would be ambushing her. Wearing the clothes she was wearing, she found a teaching job, collected half a month's salary in advance, and bought a dress and some other things. She threw away everything she was wearing. She left nothing behind; everything that touched the house was filthy. But she couldn't throw herself away; she was the dirtiest person.
That nightmare also included the period of amnesia. It was as if she had lost all her memories during those days, teaching mechanically, then eating and sleeping. Everything around her seemed separated by a glass case, and the world had no connection to her. She also deliberately avoided everyone. If anyone looked at her even for a moment, she would quickly move away in fear, or even run away, as if she were standing there naked, her shameful secret being discovered. Once, she was walking too fast, and the ground was slippery after the rain. She fell, and her hair and one side of her clothes were soaked by the accumulated water. A male teacher rushed to help her, but she ran away in panic, covered in mud and slush.
At that time, she felt that all men wanted to abuse her and take advantage of her, and all women knew her secret and wanted to spread the word that she was a dirty slut.
She ran back to the dormitory, her body covered in mud and water. She locked the door, squatted on the ground and burst into tears. Her body was now equally dirty inside and out.
For a long time, she worried she had contracted an infectious disease. She kept dreaming of sores and pus all over her body, which then gradually rotted away, emitting a disgusting stench. Even after waking, she still felt the possibility was very real, and her confusion deepened.
Everyone at school thought she was mentally ill and gradually began to avoid her. The girls in her dormitory also had nightmares and screams in the middle of the night. This made her feel very guilty, and if she continued like that, she might lose her teaching job. She also tried hard not to have nightmares, but she couldn't control herself. Later, she was really afraid of disturbing her roommates and causing trouble at the higher-ups, so she moved to live alone in the warehouse. The warehouse had no windows, no lights, and was dark even during the day. It was small, damp, and cold, and filled with unused junk. She cleaned it up for a long time, but there was only enough room for a small bed, and there was no room for anything else. She slept in that room full of junk, and felt that it was very appropriate, because she was already a junk.
Sometimes at night mice would crawl onto her bed. Facing the dark grey, dirty fur, she recalled a story about a woman who died in a dilapidated house and no one knew about it. When people found her, her body was covered with mice and she was almost eaten by them.
She thought that rats had come to eat her before she died. Perhaps she really had an internal organ disease that had begun to fester and stink, so the rats were attracted to eat her before she died.
Although some things are terrifying and painful at the time, the tension of the moment can dull other senses, often leading to endless consequences. Afterward, they come back like a frog in boiling water, becoming increasingly terrifying and nauseating the more you think about them. It's a nightmare you'll never be able to escape.
It's like soldiers on a battlefield, each side fighting for their lives, so focused on the duel that they don't feel too much fear. But after surviving and leaving the battlefield, some are tormented by post-traumatic stress disorder, leading to suicide or insanity.
Wang Jiazhi fell into this situation. Although it was very painful at the time, it was difficult to back down. They pushed her so hard that she had no choice but to do so.
But after she had done everything, despite the pain and nausea, everything calmed down again. That night, they were all so tense and anxious, but the next day, after she had destroyed everything she had, they were surprisingly calm again. For several days afterward, there was no news at all. They acted as if nothing had happened. Everything was so calm, as if nothing had happened, and whether the plan succeeded or not was no longer important.
At that time, she was in agony, unable to eat or sleep. They continued to eat and sleep as usual, as if nothing had to do with them. It was right anyway; it had nothing to do with them.
Lai Xiujin, the maid in charge of cooking, had always been lazy and dismissive, making do with just bread, butter, and coffee for breakfast, and at most a few boiled eggs. Then Lai Xiujin got in the mood and cooked porridge and a few side dishes, which they all devoured with gusto. Even Kuang Yumin did the same.
After that night, everyone looked at her differently, and no one spoke to her. They continued to eat, sleep, and chat like normal people, but she was a wandering ghost, completely alien to their world. She was tortured to the point of being unable to eat or sleep, and she looked emaciated, even more like a ghost.
Although she had some feelings at that time, she didn't dare to think that way. Liang Runsheng seemed very proud and was particularly happy eating. It was rare for him to visit a prostitute, and he was very proud of being able to abuse her. She didn't expect that even Kuang Yumin would eat and drink as usual, looking at her with contempt. At that time, they told her about their decision. She looked at Kuang Yumin on the balcony for help, but his back was to her, and she couldn't see his expression at all.
He was smoking with his back to her at that time. She thought he was heartless, but she also thought he was afraid to look at her. There was always reluctance and guilt in his expression. However, she didn't know that his expression at that time did not show any reluctance, but rather a kind of fierce self-intoxication, and that intoxication was also tinged with a hint of complacency.
For his own fame and future, he was like countless great men in history, who cruelly sacrificed innocent people. He felt that he was one step closer to those great men.
During those tormenting days and nights, she only hoped for a phone call from the other side, so that she could get on with it quickly, otherwise she would go crazy. The more they seemed to not care about anything, the more crazy she would become.
It was like paying for a ticket and not seeing the highlights of the play, like you'd been shortchanged. They were also watching a play, and by now, they had already witnessed the transformation of a once-innocent girl into a prostitute. It was already incredibly exciting, well worth the price of admission. So, the rest of the story, whether the plan could proceed or succeed, was no longer important.
When he left and she put down the phone, everyone seemed relieved. Only she was at a loss, as if she had been thrown into a chaotic wilderness. She was alone, doomed.
In reality, she had always thought too highly of others. She simply assumed Kuang Yumin was heartless and Liang Runsheng was shameless. The reality was even more terrifying than she had imagined.
In order to win over people, Kuang Yumin couldn't do it alone, but no matter who he chose, the other boys wouldn't be satisfied, and he only won over one person, but offended the others. So Lai Xiujin deliberately defiled her, which actually gave Kuang Yumin inspiration. If the most shameless one was chosen, the others wouldn't benefit, but they would have seen a pure and innocent leading actress being defiled and turned into a prostitute. Everyone benefited, and Huang Lei's money was well spent.
Moreover, Kuang Yumin has always been fascinated by the drama of powerful figures cruelly sacrificing innocent people to achieve their ambitions. This makes her sacrifice even greater and more painful, and it makes Kuang Yumin even more intoxicated. It's as if those perverted men don't feel anything when women serve them well, and only feel satisfied when they torture women to the point of being worse than death. Another important point is that Kuang Yumin, like several other men, believes that if he can't get it, he will destroy it, so that he won't be obsessed with not being able to get a prostitute. Furthermore, Kuang Yumin knows that Wang Jiazhi likes her. He thinks Wang Jiazhi is very traditional and submissive. If it weren't for the most unbearable one, if Wang Jiazhi fell in love with someone else, he would lose his dominance over her. So, if Wang Jiazhi finds someone who makes her sick just by thinking about it, she will never change her mind.
Kuang Yumin was as devoted in his acting as Wang Jiazhi. He was intoxicated with the idea that he would become a great man whose achievements would be built on the sacrifices of countless people. He imitated the cruelty and meanness of the great men, and also imitated the hypocrisy of the great men to win people's hearts. However, he was just a useless waste, with the illnesses of the great men but without the abilities of the great men, and he made a mess of everything. In the end, he was still acting before his death. He had always wanted to play Song Gongming in front of his classmates. When they arrived at the execution ground, Ouyang was seriously injured and had been beaten several times. He was still acting in a self-absorbed manner, and turned around to look at Ouyang several times with concern. The funny thing is that he was the first one to confess among the few people. He was scared to death when he saw the torture instruments.
In her previous life, Wang Jiazhi thought Kuang Yumin would never want her dead. And the lie Kuang Yumin told her about shooting with the muzzle of a gun pointed at someone was what Old Wu asked him to tell her, fearing that she would back down out of fear of death. In fact, Kuang Yumin and Old Wu both knew that they were planning to shoot her to death. But Kuang Yumin didn't know that Old Wu wanted to kill them all as well and take the credit for himself. When he was dying, he gritted his teeth and looked at Wang Jiazhi fiercely, thinking that it was Wang Jiazhi who caused him to die without success and fame. He thought he was only one step away from success and fame, and it was Wang Jiazhi who ruined him.
But Liang Runsheng, that bastard, not only wanted to disgust and defile her, he thought she was a very traditional, submissive girl. Since that was already the case, she would inevitably follow him in the future. If she slept with Lao Yi later, then she would have been so rotten that no one would want her, let alone come to him. However, he was not willing to marry an unfaithful woman. If she had not done anything with Lao Yi, he would be willing to marry her. If she had slept with Lao Yi, he would not marry her no matter what. He planned to lie to her that he would be responsible for her, play with her for a while, and kick her away when he got tired of her. But he didn't expect that Wang Jiazhi had disgusted him to death from the beginning, and the whimsical dreams he had were nonsense. The most terrifying thing was that he didn't even realize that he was not a man.
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