Chapter 389
Wang Jiazhi always felt very sorry that she didn't have the chance to experience the beautiful spring and summer with him. All she had was the cold autumn.
This was her first summer with him, and many of her emotions lay dormant without him, perhaps never to sprout. But as soon as he was around, they burst forth.
She knew it was the result of her subconsciously trying to bloom even harder for him. It felt like the last days of her past life. To make him happy, she was like one of those plants that bloom only once and then die. She treated every moment like the last, because she didn't know when she would die, or if there would be another.
She always felt that she was not worthy of him. Perhaps one day he would know her true identity, and then he would definitely despise her, and maybe even find her disgusting.
She had always ignored it, even chosen to forget it. In reality, they had spent that summer together. That terrible summer. Meeting again in Shanghai, they both felt a sense of past lives, a sense of present life, a world so different from before. Neither of them mentioned what had happened in Hong Kong.
This summer reminded her of that terrible summer. At that time, she had thought about being with him after being abused... but it all turned out to be a joke.
But thinking back, it was a good thing nothing had happened back then. The outcome would have been the same: she couldn't bear to be with him again after her body had just been defiled. Thinking about it later would only make him feel even more disgusted.
Ouyang asked him if he had done anything to her. The funny thing was, that night, he hadn't done anything to her, but it was those bastards who had raped her.
She had read a novel in which a girl had a boyfriend, thinking that one day they would have the contact she longed for. But before that day came, she fell seriously ill. Her boyfriend, a doctor, gave her injections every day. He saw her body, emaciated and withered, and while trying to give her the injections, she burst into tears. Later, everyone knew her illness was incurable, and her boyfriend found another girlfriend. She died young, filled with endless regrets.
Wang Jiazhi possessed a deeply romantic nature, but perhaps too naive, she was a late bloomer in the world of romance. She began reading romance novels and watching romantic movies at a very young age, often feeling deeply saddened by the tragic love stories of the male and female protagonists. She also began dreaming about love at a young age.
But until she experienced that nightmare, her concept of love had remained purely spiritual, her mind fixed on meeting someone who would sweep her off her feet. It didn't matter if it was a bittersweet love, unrequited love, or someone she couldn't get, as long as it was someone she loved utterly. She simply wanted to meet them, but she hadn't even considered holding hands or kissing.
If Wang Jiazhi's mother and grandmother were still alive, they would surely tell her that her view on choosing a partner was exactly the same as her mother's. He had to be beautiful, with excellent temperament and demeanor; after all, their daughter wasn't just a superficial, sensualist. That was just the basics. He also had to be talented and capable. Even if he had all that, he still had to be compatible, and compatible with her. As for his background and family wealth, they were dismissive. With so many requirements, even one missing wouldn't do. If she truly couldn't have it all, she'd rather remain a spinster for life than settle.
Some people also ask for too much, but they can never find it. As they get older, they are afraid that if they insist on it, they will really not be able to get married, so they will just satisfy one or two things. But they will never compromise.
For a long time in her past life, she hoped for an "all or nothing" relationship, and this was precisely why she refused to compromise. She used to want complete perfection, but after going through something like that, she felt she was no longer perfect and unworthy of that. However, she refused to compromise, and so, she felt she would never be able to fall in love again in this life.
In fact, if that incident had not happened, she might have never married because she would not have met her ideal partner.
Her mother was like that back then. Her grandmother's family was very well-off. Her mother was pretty, smart, and capable, so she had many suitors. Her parents and matchmakers said, "What's the point of being pretty? What matters is a well-off family and a reliable person. Nothing else matters."
But her mother refused. She thought the man was not pretty enough, given his good character and family background. She thought the man was pretty and honest, but she thought he was stupid, unintelligent and incompetent. Finally, she found someone who was almost entirely acceptable, but she didn't connect with him. Her mother's family doted on her daughter and refused to force her, figuring that if she didn't marry, she'd be left with no choice but to support him for the rest of her life.
After much difficulty meeting her father, they decided to marry after just two meetings. Wang Jiazhi always thought her mother was foolish, especially after the blow she suffered when her mother was seriously ill. She truly felt that her mother didn't deserve it. But after experiencing her own emotional purgatory, she still hated her father, and she believed her mother was ultimately disappointed. But she believed that for most of those more than ten years of marriage, her mother was happy.
Both mother and daughter believed in one-sided love. Finding someone willing to love them madly was a blessing. Perhaps she felt it wasn't worth it, but her mother felt that giving for the one she loved most, and being able to stay with the one she loved most, was happiness.
Wang Jiazhi had long given up hope of ever meeting someone like that, and was even afraid she'd actually meet him. Even if she did, what good would it do? She didn't even have the right to have a one-sided crush on him, because she wasn't worthy. That would only make her suffer more.
She had read the novel after the nightmare. Her first reaction was, "Is this girl so precocious? Or is it just the way girls think about that?" There were many such stories in "Jin Ping Mei," but she found them disgusting, not even thrilling. It was also because the writing was too explicit, and there was no love between the two people.
The most she thought about was that if she met that person, they would get married, or if their feelings reached a certain level and he couldn't help but want that, then of course she would agree. As for the specifics, she had never thought about it, nor had she ever had any aspirations.
Although Wang Jiazhi was confused about the incident and had no aspirations, she felt that it was either a brutal torture or an obsessive ecstasy.
She had never considered it, but it was disgusting. After the nightmare, the incident made her feel disgusted, as if her soul and body were tainted and ruined.
Since then, she's developed a pathological aversion to men. Even the mere fact that someone touching her arm on the train would send her into a state of inexplicable revulsion. Whenever she saw a movie or read a novel about that incident, no matter how enchanting and beautiful the description, she'd skip it. Even a similar line in ancient poetry, no matter how subtle, reeked of her. It was disgusting anyway. Men were disgusting, that incident was disgusting, it was just disgusting. Even she herself was disgusting.
After being with Lao Yi, she thought that she had had some aspirations, but it was not the same.
After that disgusting experience, she wondered what the next step would be with him. However, he soon left with Mrs. Yi, and she never thought about it again. Later, when they met again in Shanghai, she began to wonder what it would be like with him. And in order to attract him, she crammed a lot of book knowledge. Now it seems ridiculous. It was like studying hard before a big exam, hoping to perform well on the spot. And the actual exam was to sleep with a man. It was simply absurd. Although countless people have said similar things about the absurdity of the world, it still feels incredible when it happens to me. I still have to ask myself why I have to go through all this, and why I have to face all this.
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