Chapter 11
Lin Wei's analysis was like a shot in the arm, briefly dispelling the fog in Xia Wan's heart and igniting her long-dormant hope. She mustered up her courage, took the initiative to break the "program" set by Jiang Yu, and sent the invitation message.
After sending the message, Xia Wan gripped her phone, her palms slightly sweaty. Every second waiting for a reply felt incredibly long. Would he agree? What would he think?
A few minutes later, the phone screen lit up.
"Okay. Send it to me when the time comes."
It was crisp and clear, without any unnecessary emotion. But Xia Wan's heart still leaped with joy. He agreed! No questions, no arrangements, just a simple "yes."
On a weekend evening, Xia Wan deliberately chose a brighter apricot dress, which softened her slender figure. She arrived early at the private restaurant tucked away in an old alley. The restaurant was small, decorated in an antique style, with warm yellow lighting, wooden tables and chairs, and ink paintings on the walls. The atmosphere was quiet and warm, a stark contrast to the upscale establishments Jiang Yu usually frequented.
Jiang Yu's car stopped at the alley entrance on time. When he walked in, his dark gray cashmere coat accentuated his tall figure, making him seem a bit out of place in this bustling environment. He glanced around the small shop, his brows twitching slightly, but he said nothing and sat down across from Xia Wan.
"This place... is quite special." He spoke in a flat tone.
"Well, the dishes are very homely, but they taste very good." Xia Wan tried to make her voice sound natural and handed over the menu. "Take a look at it, what would you like to eat?"
The ordering process was somewhat silent. Xia Wan introduced a few signature dishes, and Jiang Yu simply nodded, saying "Okay," "You decide." There was no desire to communicate, no curiosity about the new environment. Xia Wan's excitement gradually cooled, replaced by a familiar, cautious tension.
The dishes arrived quickly. They were all homely: steamed sea bass, crab roe tofu, stir-fried seasonal vegetables, and a bowl of warm, traditional broth. The aroma filled the air.
"Try this tofu, it's very tender." Xia Wan took the initiative to pick up a piece for him, trying to break the silence.
Jiang Yu thanked him, picked up the food with chopsticks, tasted it, and nodded: "Hmm, not bad." The evaluation was still brief, and there was not much emotion in it.
Xia Wan watched him eat calmly, his movements elegant yet detached. Lin Wei's words echoed in her mind—"Break his program! Make him lose control!" But the man before her was as calm as a deep pool of water; the stone she dropped seemed to cause no ripples. She began to wonder if Lin Wei's judgment was overly optimistic.
She struggled to find topics, chatting about a recent book she'd read and an interesting case at the company. Jiang Yu would respond briefly, but mostly just listen, occasionally throwing out a professional question before returning the conversation to familiar, safe territory. His gaze would occasionally fall on her, but Xia Wan always felt as if it was piercing through her, looking at something else.
The meal was quiet and uneventful. There was neither the expected awkwardness nor the throbbing excitement of anticipation. There was only a strange, distant "harmony."
As we walked out of the restaurant, the dim streetlights in the alley lit up, and the evening breeze was cool.
"I'll take you home." Jiang Yu said naturally.
"No thanks," Xia Wan refused his ride for the first time, her voice carrying a barely perceptible hint of fatigue. "This place isn't far from where I live. I want to walk around and get some fresh air."
Jiang Yu paused and glanced sideways at her. In the dim light, his eyes were hard to discern, as if he were a little surprised by her refusal. He was silent for a few seconds, then nodded. "Okay. Be careful." He didn't insist, nor did he ask any further questions.
Watching his car merge into the traffic and disappear, Xia Wan walked alone on the slightly chilly streets of early winter, her heart chilled. Breaking the routine? Making him lose control? Now it seemed like a joke. He seemed to be just cooperating with her to complete one part of the "try it out" task, like completing a physical therapy appointment. Was his calm not because of love, but because... he didn't care? Or was his attention simply not on her?
Back at the apartment, Lin Wei sent a message on her phone: "How was it? Did the date go well? Did you spark any romance?"
Xia Wan smiled bitterly and dialed Lin Wei's number.
"Hello? Wanwan! How is it? Did I guess it right? Is Young Master Jiang completely bewitched by you?" Lin Wei's voice was full of anticipation.
"Weiwei..." Xia Wan's voice was filled with loss and fatigue. "There is no spark. Nothing at all."
"Ah? How is that possible?" Lin Wei was surprised. "What were you doing? A candlelight dinner? Staring into each other's eyes?"
"It was just a meal, a very ordinary home-cooked meal." Xia Wan briefly described the whole process, focusing on Jiang Yu's calm, detached attitude. "... He seemed to be completing a task, very cooperative, but completely uninvolved. Weiwei, I think... you might be wrong. His feelings towards me may really just be a sense of responsibility and guilt."
There was silence on the other end of the line. Lin Wei had obviously not expected this to happen.
"This... shouldn't be..." she murmured, "Does he really... just see you as someone who needs to be taken care of? Doesn't he have any other intentions at all?"
"I don't know." Xia Wan's voice was a touch self-deprecating. "I just feel like when he looks at me, he's silent, like an ordinary friend." Xia Wan smiled, remembering a friend from high school who had a close relationship with Jiang Yu, and who didn't seem to get along in this way. "Maybe it's not as comfortable as being just ordinary friends. Maybe he just sees me as 'someone else.'" Once this thought arose, it could no longer be suppressed. The image of that "spoiled" ex-girlfriend loomed clearly between her and Jiang Yu.
Lin Wei was silent even longer this time, as if digesting the information. "Wanwan," her voice grew serious, "If... I mean if, he really just sees you as a liability, or... worse, a replacement, then this 'test' is so unfair to you! You deserve to be treated wholeheartedly, not live in someone else's shadow!"
Lin Wei's words were like a cold needle, piercing Xia Wan's last remaining self-deception. "Substitute..." This word, one she hadn't dared to consider, was uttered by Lin Wei, starkly. She recalled Jiang Yu's sometimes distracted gaze, the deep pain in his eyes when he'd spoken of "fearing it would be too late"... For whom was that pain? For her? Or for the person he'd once "spoiled"?
Yes, if ten years of time were exchanged for a "label", it would be better not to have started at all. At least, that boy filled her entire youth, so let him stay in the best time.
A huge sense of grievance and embarrassment instantly overwhelmed her. What she thought was closeness might just be a projection of his past, a fantasy he was indulging in. Her initiative and expectation, in his eyes, might just be a suitable "shadow" to fill a certain void.
"Weiwei...what should I do?" Xia Wan's voice was filled with a sense of powerlessness and collapse.
"What should we do?" Lin Wei's voice was filled with heartache and determination. "Wanwan, you have to figure it out! You can't just blindly fall into this! Find a chance and ask him directly! Ask him what he really thinks! Ask him what he meant by 'let's give it a try'! Ask him if there's someone else in his heart!"
Ask directly? Xia Wan's heart tightened. How much courage would that take? If the answer was the one she feared most...
"If he... is really just..." Xia Wan couldn't continue.
"If he really only sees you as a substitute, as a responsibility, as a tool to atone for his guilt," Lin Wei's voice was firm, "then leave him immediately, right now, without looking back! Xia Wan, your love is precious. Don't waste it on a man who's so absent-minded that he treats you like someone else's shadow! Even if he's Jiang Yu, it won't do! You've liked him for ten years. If you don't stand by him openly, this kind of 'accompaniment' is really meaningless."
After hanging up the phone, Xia Wan curled up on the cold sofa, unable to move for a long time. Lin Wei's words roared in her ears. Ask directly? Showdown? This would require her to peel off all pretense and self-deception and face the truth, which might be bloody.
Looking back on our time together, aside from that time he put his arm around her shoulders at a social event, there had been no extra physical contact. Holding hands, hugging, the seemingly normal couple routines, hadn't happened, let alone a goodbye kiss. Was he afraid of contact, afraid that the hands he held wouldn't feel the same, the warmth he'd felt in his arms wouldn't be the same, the softness of lips he'd touched wouldn't be the same? Was he afraid that all this wasn't real?
She looked out the window at the dark night, thinking of Jiang Yu's calm eyes and his heavy words, "I owe you." If the truth behind the "debt" stemmed from the shadow of another woman, then this "compensation" would be the greatest irony and hurt to her.
The "let's give it a try" relationship now felt like a carefully woven cage. She was trapped inside, while the person holding the key, his mind drifting to a distant, unreachable past. She needed the courage to knock on that tightly closed door, even if what lay beyond might be a deeper abyss. It wasn't for answers, but to give herself an explanation, to give this "try" that began with guilt and responsibility a clear end or beginning.
But a direct question? A showdown?
Just imagining that scene made Xia Wan's breath catch, her heart as if gripped by an icy hand. Ten years of secret love had left behind not just love, but also a deep sense of humiliation and cowardice. She was used to gazing at him from the corner, used to burying her feelings deep within her heart, used to being invisible. She had mustered a lifetime's courage to extend the invitation, but it was like punching cotton, only resulting in deeper loss and self-doubt.
To question the man who had been as far away as the stars, yet now so close? To question whether he loved her? Whether he treated her like someone else? This terrified her more than climbing that precarious scaffolding again. She couldn't bear the answer—either his own "yes" or the possible pity or disgust in his eyes at her "overestimation of her abilities."
A crushing sense of exhaustion and a relentless instinct for self-preservation washed over her. She no longer wanted to guess, to drift in this foggy relationship woven by "guilt" and "responsibility." This so-called "test drive" had brought her no sweetness, but instead day after day of anxiety, self-denial, and deeper pain. She feared that if she continued, she would completely lose herself, sapping even the last vestiges of her self-esteem.
Rather than facing the truth that could completely shatter her, it would be better to... call a halt herself.
Once that thought arose, it grew like a vine, entwining her heart, bringing a near-suffocating pain, yet also a strange sense of relief. Yes, end it. Before she completely fell, before he could say something even more hurtful, before she discovered that she was truly just a pathetic "shadow," end it.
Xia Wan didn't respond to Lin Wei's follow-up messages. She needed time, and she also needed a sufficiently "reasonable" excuse, a respectable way to end things without exposing her true vulnerability and panic.
The opportunity will come soon.
Jiang Yu's messages were still regular: "Tomorrow night at six o'clock, Li Mo will pick you up for physical therapy."
Xia Wan looked at the message, her fingertips cold. She took a deep breath, and as if using up all her strength, she typed word by word into the dialog box:
"Jiang Yu, there's no need to arrange physical therapy. Thank you for your care during this period. Let's... just stop here. Don't try anymore."
The message was sent successfully. Xia Wan immediately slammed her phone down on the table, as if it were a hot iron. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest, bringing waves of dull pain. She closed her eyes, tears silently falling from the corners of her eyes. It was over. She had personally severed the fragile, twisted thread connecting her to the person she had secretly loved for ten years.
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