Chapter 15
Xia Wan took a deep breath, the cold air piercing her lungs, yet it still brought her chaotic thoughts to a state of calm. She turned her head, her gaze calm and gentle towards Jiang Yu. His eyes remained clear, without the judgment he had expected, only a deep, all-embracing understanding.
"Jiang Yu," her voice wasn't loud, but it pierced the chill wind clearly, carrying a soothing power. "Thank you for telling me this." She paused, her voice becoming softer. "I understand now. I understand why you said 'not anymore,' and where your fear of 'being too late' comes from. That experience... must have been very painful."
Her understanding, like a faint yet warm light, gently brushed across the ruins of Jiang Yu's heart. He shuddered slightly, slowly turning his head to meet her gaze. Her slightly raised, almond-shaped eyes held no trace of exploiting his vulnerability; only pure, unconditional empathy.
"Now," Xia Wan's voice remained steady, yet with an undeniable clarity, shifting the subject from the pain of the past back to the crux of the matter. "I want to tell you why I stopped."
She met his gaze with a gentle firmness, no longer avoiding the core issue.
"I'm confused by your suggestion of 'testing'. I've tried hard to understand and adapt to your ways—the arrangements, the pick-ups, the compensatory care. But Jiang Yu," she frowned slightly, a hint of confusion and a sense of clarity after being hurt, "I don't feel like you're 'testing' me. What I feel is that you're like a meticulous project manager, completing a to-do list called 'properly handling Xia Wan.'"
She paused, her eyes drifting towards the lights of thousands of homes in the distance.
"The way you look at me is so calm, as if you're examining a document to be signed, or assessing a project in need of repair. Your approach carries a sense of...businesslike distance. There's no curiosity, no tentativeness, none of the...cautious throbbing and warmth that should exist between lovers."
Xia Wan's voice was very soft, but every word struck Jiang Yu's heart, leaving him unable to refute.
"And those occasions, Su Qian, and the looks others gave me... They all silently reminded me that I was standing in a position that originally belonged to someone else. This feeling made me feel uneasy. It was even more uncomfortable than when I could only watch you from afar..."
She didn't mention that decade of secret love. It was the most secret treasure in her heart, and also her deepest humility. She didn't want to use it as a bargaining chip, nor did she want him to feel it was a heavy burden that needed to be "repaid." Her love, Xia Wan, didn't need time to prove its weight, nor did it need to earn pity or guilt. She chose to keep this silent love, which belonged only to her.
"So, I called a halt." Xia Wan's voice was barely perceptible, but resolute. "It wasn't because of anything else, but because... I couldn't sense the sincerity of your 'giving it a try', nor did I sense the presence of 'Xia Wan'. What you saw was perhaps just a person you needed to be 'responsible' for, a symbol to fill your guilt."
She raised her chin slightly, and her thin shoulders stood straight, like a small tree standing tall in the cold wind.
"Jiang Yu, I don't need that kind of 'test'. I don't need to live in someone else's shadow, nor do I need a relationship built on guilt and responsibility. That's unfair to me, and it's also a drain on you...
Her words, like the clearest stream on an autumn day, washed away the blind spots in Jiang Yu's heart, obscured by his actions. She gently yet sharply pointed out the truths he had deliberately ignored, replacing his feelings with actions. She wasn't accusing him of the past, but rather clearly pointing out the hurt and misunderstanding his current behavior had caused her.
Jiang Yu watched her standing in the autumn breeze, her figure thin but her back straight, her eyes clear and resolute. She didn't burden him with her "ten-year secret love," nor did she hysterically accuse him. She simply calmly stated her feelings and bottom line. This clear self-esteem and strong heart shocked him like never before.
He looked into her clear and resolute eyes, reflected in the river water, and for the first time, he realized with such clarity that Xia Wan, unlike Shen Zhiyao, was a completely different being. What she needed was equality, respect, and a genuine relationship that saw her as "Xia Wan." Of course, she also needed care and love, and she wanted to feel his affection.
He was overwhelmed by a complex mix of shame and enlightenment. He was silent for a long time, his eyes fixed on Xia Wan's face, with an unprecedented seriousness and... clumsy exploration.
"Xia Wan," he began, his voice hoarse but strangely serious, "I... understand. What I didn't understand before, now... I seem to understand a little."
He struggled for words, like a toddler:
"Give me some time... to learn. Not how to 'pamper' someone, but how to 'see' someone, how to... feel them." He paused, a hint of cautious hope in his eyes, "Can we... start over again? This time... not 'trying', but... starting from the beginning? Learning... starting?"
The north wind blew up dead leaves, which fell on the cold stone slab between them. Xia Wan looked at the almost clumsy sincerity and determination to change in Jiang Yu's eyes, and deep in her heart, the taut string quietly loosened.
She didn't answer immediately, but gently smoothed her wind-blown hair, her eyes passing him and looking at the occasional cars speeding by at the intersection. After a long moment, a very soft, yet unusually clear voice rang out:
"Jiang Yu, this isn't a study session." Her voice was calm, with a hint of gentle resignation, yet also a clear demarcation. She knew what she wanted, and she couldn't let her feelings become muddled. "The distance between hearts can't be bridged by studying. It requires... time and genuine closeness."
She looked at him again, her eyes clear and inclusive:
"But I can give you time... to find your own heart and to confirm what you really want."
She paused, her tone becoming unusually serious, with a hint of relief:
"Until then, let's just be ordinary classmates again. No compensation, no responsibilities, no temptations. Just... get to know each other again, starting from scratch."
Become ordinary classmates again? Get to know each other again? Start from scratch?
Jiang Yu was stunned. This answer was far more complex than the "good" or "bad" he'd anticipated. Like a gentle yet incredibly solid barrier, it blocked all his attempts to "do something," and also gave him a... truly meaningful starting point that required careful consideration.
He looked into her calm yet resolute eyes, knowing this was a carefully considered decision, the greatest tolerance and opportunity she could offer. She no longer pushed him away, but she also wouldn't let him easily get close to the most precious part of her heart she had guarded for ten years. She held a door open for him, but that door needed to be opened with his recovered heart and genuine actions, not by relying on any past "debts" or "favors."
A complex mix of loss and immense hope surged within him. Disappointed at not being able to possess it immediately, yet the very existence of this door ignited an unprecedented drive and a... strange sense of relief? It was as if a heavy burden called "compensation" had been lifted.
He was silent for a few seconds, then finally nodded solemnly. No promises, no assurances, just a simple gesture that carried a tremendous weight.
"Okay." He murmured, his voice low and clear, with an unprecedented solemnity, "Get to know each other again. Start from scratch."
He extended his hand, his eyes revealing a sense of self-struggle and an inexplicable loss, but his movements were neat and clear, with a deliberate, businesslike solemnity: "Hello, old classmate."
Xia Wan returned the handshake. His hand was dry and warm, his knuckles distinct, carrying the strength of a grown man, yet the strength was perfectly controlled, never exceeding the mark. The touch was brief, then separated, like a necessary social ritual.
"Goodbye, old classmate." Xia Wan's voice was soft, yet remarkably clear, a chill of farewell in her eyes. She stopped looking at him, turned around, wrapped her thin coat tightly around her, and stepped into the old doorway of the apartment building. Her hand still held the warmth of his palm. She had imagined those hands countless times in her mind, wondering what it would feel like to hold theirs. That last absurd night, she had felt nothing except shyness and the memory of her body. Now, this "holding hands" as they met again might be the last time they would meet again.
The dim voice-controlled light lit up and went out with the sound of her footsteps, and her figure finally disappeared around the corner of the stairs.
On the streets of early winter, a chilly north wind blew. Atop the ruins, two wounded souls struck a pact fraught with uncertainty, a pact to "start over." Not lovers, not even friends. Just... classmates.
Jiang Yu stood there until the last ray of light faded and the entire building sank into darkness. The wind in the alley grew colder, swirling the dead leaves on the ground. He didn't leave immediately, but simply stood there quietly, his tall figure looking a little lonely in the thick night.
Re-understanding? Starting from scratch? This seemingly simple request, for him, felt like the entrance to a completely new, unfamiliar territory. He was accustomed to control, calculation, and action, accustomed to exchanging quantifiable efforts for clear results. But how to measure the distance between hearts? How to draw closer? He had no idea.
But he promised her.
Jiang Yu took a deep breath of the icy air, the chill seeming to help his chaotic thoughts become a little clearer. He turned and walked towards the car parked at the entrance of the alley. The sound of the engine starting up was particularly abrupt in the silent night.
The car's heater hissed, but it couldn't dispel the coldness of Xia Wan's gaze, a silent farewell. Since the class reunion, Xia Wan had never looked at Jiang Yu with such eyes. Before, her eyes always held warmth. Whether they were stubborn, flustered, or infatuated, they always held a hint of repression... a secret.
Do you like it?
Xia Wan likes him?
When did you start liking it?
That chaotic night, she hugged him so tightly. "Jiang Yu, Jiang Yu..." Her voice was filled with begging desperation.
This was the first time Jiang Yu met that "Xia Wan".
"You said 'goodbye,' but I don't think you'll ever want to see each other again. So, let me take over." Jiang Yu's desolate heart needed someone to rebuild it. Even though it would hurt, tearing out his heart and bones, reshaping his flesh and blood, he'd take his time.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com