My father summoned us to dine together, and I tried my best to sit close to my mother, keeping my head down as I ate the white rice in my bowl.
I didn't even dare to take another bite of my favorite candied yam, deliberately avoiding his gaze.
Once, he placed a piece of my favorite osmanthus cake in my bowl, his voice still the same as before, with a touch of deliberate gentleness.
It's like trying to imitate your former self, but you don't quite get it right; it's stiff and unnatural.
"Your Highness, the osmanthus cake you love is made by the Imperial Kitchen today. It's a bit sweeter than usual. Try it and see if it's the flavor you like."
But I reacted as if I'd been burned, quickly pushing the osmanthus cake aside and mumbling, "Thank you, Your Highness, but I'm not hungry right now. I'll eat it later; it'll be too sweet now."
Then she quickly lowered her head, staring at the rice in the bowl, not daring to look into his eyes, afraid to see the unfamiliarity in them, and even more afraid to see the slightest trace of the past.
That would make me feel even worse, like being pricked in the heart with needles again and again, so painful that I have to be careful when I breathe.
It wasn't that she believed his nonsense about "women staying away from the court," but rather that she instinctively wanted to escape—there was an inexplicable sense of unease about him.
Like fine spider silk wrapped around my heart, the more I struggle, the tighter it wraps, suffocating me until I can't breathe.
It felt as if if I got any closer, I would be swallowed up by this sense of unfamiliarity, and even my past memories would be erased.
I didn't see the fleeting smugness in his eyes every time I turned my face away and deliberately distanced myself.
Like a hunter watching his prey fall step by step into the trap he has set, a very faint, almost imperceptible smile will appear on the corner of his mouth.
The sinister look in that smile was something the Ning Yuancheng of the past would never have had—the former Ning Yuancheng would have felt heartache even if he stepped on an ant.
They would also find a small hole and bury the ant, saying, "It is also a small life, and we should take good care of it."
They might even be sad for half a day if they accidentally knocked off a petal from the Imperial Garden.
Without giving it much thought, the emperor buried himself in mountains of government affairs every day, dealing with the previous dynasty's grain and fodder allocation and border defense matters.
Having to deal with the trivial disputes in the harem, her hair turned much whiter and the wrinkles on her forehead deepened, but her temperament never changed in the slightest.
I remember that I don't like onions and garlic, so every time we ate, I would ask the imperial kitchen to pick out all the onions and garlic from my dishes.
She would also say with a smile, "We Yuanhe people are picky eaters; we can't stand being wronged even if it's a huge injustice."
He would bring his mother newly donated silk from Jiangnan, and he would say it with a smile.
"Zitong looks beautiful in this color, it makes your skin look even whiter, more beautiful than the flowers in the Imperial Garden. My eye is good, the Empress I chose is the best."
Although the Empress Dowager had lived in the inner palace for a long time, she was never a woman who only knew how to appreciate flowers and drink tea. She understood the rules of the court and the complexities of human nature.
When the emperor was unsure about something, he would consult her, and she would always give him sound advice, like a wise and helpful wife.
She would never utter shortsighted statements such as "women should not study" or "women should not be involved in court affairs."
Instead, he often tells me, "Yuanhe, it's always good to read more books. No matter what you do in the future, if you have knowledge, you won't panic, you'll be able to distinguish right from wrong, and you won't be deceived."
Even if difficulties arise in the future, there will be solutions, and women can have their own world; they don't necessarily have to be confined to a secluded mansion.
At that time, I was only concerned with being afraid of that sudden unfamiliarity and with avoiding the unease in my heart.
But I forgot to investigate whose soul was inside this familiar body, what kind of conspiracy was hidden, and why they were targeting me like this.
I even foolishly wondered if I had done something wrong that angered my elder brother, the Crown Prince.
Is it because my policy essay was too bad and disappointed him that he treated me this way?
I secretly cried under the covers, clutching the plush rabbit he used to buy me—its ears were almost worn off from rubbing them off, and he bought it for me with his own monthly allowance.
He said, "My sister is afraid of the dark at night, but she won't be afraid if the rabbit is with her." Thinking of his former elder brother, the Crown Prince, and those warm days, he wondered what he had done wrong.
Why do the people who were once closest to us become so unfamiliar, as if separated by an insurmountable chasm?
Countless nights afterward, I sat by the window of Chang Le Palace, staring blankly at the flickering candlelight on the table.
The candlelight flickered on the cold gold bricks, sometimes bright, sometimes dim, much like the unfathomable light in the eyes of the emperor back then, sometimes bright, sometimes dim, making it impossible to guess.
The moonlight streamed in through the window, falling on the ground like a thin layer of frost, chilling one to the bone.
I always think: if only I had been more alert back then, I could have told my father and mother about my unease.
I could force myself to ask, "Crown Prince, what's wrong with you? Did something happen?"
Tell your sister, and she'll help you. We'll solve this together. Please don't do this.
Instead of simply running away, wouldn't the outcome be different?
Can my elder brother still be the brother who would pluck peach blossoms for me, build snowmen with me, and praise my insightful views with a smile?
Can we still walk hand in hand along every path of the palace, sharing our innermost thoughts, just like before?
Under the peach blossom tree, they made a vow together: "We will never be apart, we will always be each other's closest people, and we will protect the Ning Dynasty together."
Is it possible to still be able to eat candied hawthorns in the snow on a winter's day, watch the sugar frosting in the snowman's hand slowly melt, and laugh and say, "Next year I'll build an even bigger snowman"?
But then he understood. Possession is an incredibly bizarre thing, something ordinary people wouldn't even dare to think about, let alone tell their father and mother.
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