Chapter 50: Reading the Letter, I feel confused and lost, playing the zither strings, remembering the past in panic
In the summer of 1959, Luo Guyun and Xiao Xiangyue set foot on Japanese soil.
On the day the special plane arrived, thousands of eager fans waited at the airport. As soon as the plane landed, Xiao Xiangyue and her group quickly left through a special channel arranged by the Tokyo authorities, leaving the fans empty-handed.
Luo Guoyun had deliberately kept a low profile on this trip. The pervasive media had still managed to sniff out the news that the chairman of the Moren Group and the president of its Hong Kong branch were both in Japan. It seemed as if they were collaborating on a major business venture, but there was no trace of any such connection.
The Japanese public showed unprecedented enthusiasm for Xiao Xiangyue's visit. Day and night, reporters armed with various cameras crowded outside the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo, where he was staying. Newspapers, magazines, and television stations meticulously covered his itinerary, not missing even the smallest detail.
Upon arriving in Japan, Luo Guoyun maintained a high level of vigilance. Besides the dozens of guards he brought with him, he also arranged a team of retired US Marines to provide Xiao Xiangyue with complete and comprehensive protection. He was always by her side, and Yi Shui and Yi Han even laughed at him for being too nervous. This wasn't wartime, so there was no need for such a large-scale deployment...
Inspired by the Japanese public's enthusiasm, Xiao Xiangyue, in addition to lecturing at the Tokyo University of Music, also accommodated fans' requests by holding several impromptu concerts. Several other art universities also invited him for academic exchanges, keeping his schedule packed for over a month. The Japanese are incredibly polite, adhering to proper etiquette regardless of the occasion or the size of the crowd. Unlike other countries, Xiao Xiangyue's fans were far from engaging in outrageous behavior, harassing her. Luo Guoyun's preparedness was in vain.
With Mid-Autumn Festival approaching, the two men canceled their upcoming plans and planned to return to Moon Lake Villa to reunite with family and friends. Xiao Xiangyue, who had been reluctant to leave, repeatedly invited everyone to spend the holiday at the Watanabe family's old hot springs residence outside Kobe, where they could rest for a few days before leaving. The brothers discussed the issue, and decided that rushing back for Mid-Autumn Festival, coupled with jet lag, would be even more tiring for Yue'er. Both adults and children enjoyed hot springs. It would be nice to bring the whole family over and celebrate Mid-Autumn Festival in Japan.
The Watanabe family has lost its former glory. Watanabe Yu was executed as a war criminal, and Watanabe Taro has passed away. Junko Watanabe became a nun a few years after returning to Japan from China. Watanabe Shinji, devoted to music, remains unmarried. The old house nestled against the hillside, dotted with hot springs, remains.
More than 20 years have passed, and now when they revisit the old place, Luo Guyun and Xiao Xiangyue are also full of emotion.
The Mid-Autumn Festival dinner was a bustling and lively affair. Yi Han's family alone numbered over a dozen people: the third and fourth wives, along with their seven or eight children, plus Sun Mu's family, Luo Gulan's family, Yi Shui and his wife, Lu Hankun, Ike, Daisy and her husband, and Ban Deng and his son. The whole family was filled with joy.
After dinner, the children played in the hot springs. Jin Er led everyone to a teahouse on higher ground to enjoy tea and admire the moon.
The moon was bright and the stars were sparse, illuminating the mountain as if it were daytime. A low wall had been erected in the backyard of the teahouse, separating it from the old house. Xiao Xiangyue asked, "Huh? Why is this backyard fenced off? I remember playing the piano there!" Jin Er looked embarrassed and hesitated for a moment, "This backyard is the grave of my cousin Watanabe Hiko..." He then said resolutely, "My cousin is a war criminal and an invader in your China, but to me, he will always be the brother that Jin Er respects the most..."
More than ten years had passed, and this was the first time someone dared to mention Watanabe Hiko's name in front of Luo Guyun, and his face darkened.
Yi Shui was surprised and asked, "Don't Japanese soldiers have a special cemetery? Why are they buried here alone?"
"My cousin's last wish was to be buried under the cherry tree in the backyard after his death... After my cousin died for his country, dozens of his adjutants and guards all committed suicide to follow him. Fortunately, an old friend of my Watanabe family, the old monk Kong Neng, brought my cousin's remains back to Japan and buried them here according to his last wish..." Jin Er explained.
Luo Guoyun and Yi Shui exchanged a glance. Yi Shui asked, "Where is that old monk now?" Jin Er replied, "Master Kongneng has never left since he buried my cousin. He lives in a hut in the backyard, cleaning his grave every day. It's been over ten years..."
Luo Guyun lowered his eyes and sighed: "Forget it, let the past be the past forever! There is no need to find out the truth anymore..." He took Xiao Xiangyue's hand: "Yue'er, let's go!"
The backyard door creaked open, and a haggard old monk stood at the door: "Amitabha, Mr. Xiao, please stay!"
The old monk was none other than Master Kongneng. He was the monk who had been entrusted by Watanabe Hiko to deliver a visiting card inviting Luo Guoyun to the Shengde Cathedral. Yi Shui was surprised and asked, "Are you Japanese?"
When the monk sent the visiting card, he spoke in the local dialect. Yishui and Luo Guoyun had no idea he was Japanese. Master Kongneng said, "I have traveled in China for over twenty years and can speak a few local dialects. If I hadn't pretended to be Chinese when I was delivering a letter for General Watanabe, I'm afraid you would have detained me on the spot..."
Master Kongneng looked at Xiao Xiangyue with an excited expression: "Amitabha! Xiangyue is here after all... I thought I couldn't wait for you..." He turned around and took out a box from the inner room and held it in front of him: "This is the relic of General Watanabe Hiko. He specifically asked me to bring it back to Japan when he was alive. He also told me that if Xiangyue came to this cemetery one day, it would mean that he had forgiven him. Let me hand this box over to you..." He sighed again: "Xiangyue has never entered the cemetery, and it is not considered to have forgiven him... It's just that I don't have much time left, and I am afraid I won't be able to wait for you to come next time! This box is at Xiangyue's disposal. If you don't want to open it, just destroy it..."
Xiao Xiangyue looked completely bewildered, not knowing who the person in front of her was. Luo Guyun's expression suddenly changed as he stared at the box, which looked very old and had a dark brown leather cover. He didn't know whether to walk away or explode on the spot. Yi Shui reached out to take it and bowed deeply: "Master, your loyalty and righteousness are so great that I admire you deeply. Thank you very much!" Sun Mu hurriedly said: "The night dew on the mountain is very heavy. Yue'er just took a hot spring bath. I'm afraid the cold will enter her body. Let's go back to the room."
Luo Guyun carried the box in one hand, clutching Xiao Xiangyue tightly with the other. Their villa was at the end of the hot springs, several hundred meters from the teahouse. Xiao Xiangyue, sensing his emotions, consoled him as they walked, "Yue'er doesn't understand why Watanabe Hiko keeps giving me things. Back then, he gave me Le Zheng, and now he's left me this box... Whatever's inside, Yue'er doesn't want to know, and has no interest in knowing. It's up to you, brother. If you don't want to keep it, just destroy it..."
Back in the room, Xiao Xiangyue saw that Luo Guyun was still gloomy, so she held him in her arms, and kissed him densely on his cheeks, earlobes, and neck, trying her best to comfort him. Luo Guyun simply took out the amber moisturizing cream, pressed him down on the tatami, and began to conquer him vigorously.
The clouds cleared and the rain stopped. Xiao Xiangyue, exhausted, fell into a deep sleep. Luo Guyun, however, was not at all sleepy. He packed up, quietly got up, closed the door, and sat down in the adjacent study, staring at the box on the low plane in a trance.
It was already three o'clock in the morning when Luo Guyun finally made up his mind. With slightly trembling hands, he opened the box and carefully examined the items inside.
Inside the small suitcase were a yellowed white shirt, a CD, a diary, and some ink paintings. The rest was filled with piles of photos... There were photos of Xiao Xiangyue in various settings, including her performances in the United States. Most of them showed Xiao Xiangyue and Watanabe Hiko, each in close proximity. There were photos of Watanabe Hiko carrying him on his back while strolling in the garden, or the two of them sitting cuddled together by the window, by the lake, or on the lawn. There were photos of Watanabe Hiko holding him from behind, holding his hand as he wrote, drew, or played the piano. There were photos of them embracing and kissing passionately, or playing on the tatami, or by the water in the wild, holding his hand while fishing, or feeding him. There were photos of the two of them naked, necks locked together, behind a curtain... There were also photos of them in a hospital bed, surrounded by doctors, with Watanabe Hiko sitting beside her. Xiao Xiangyue, her eyes closed, emaciated, her veiny hands clutching him tightly...
Luo Guyun, who hadn't smoked in over a decade, fished out a cigarette from the drawer, lit it with a trembling hand, and took a few deep puffs, managing to calm his mind. He flipped through the paintings and calligraphy. There were paintings of clouds and moon circling, sunrise over the sea, and songs singing in a tree hole... The calligraphy was mostly lyrics from songs Xiao Xiangyue had composed for him, or poems she'd written to him in letters, like "Clouds Floating in the Sky" and "Longing"... Luo Guyun was very familiar with Watanabe Hiko's handwriting; it was obvious the words were his. Comparing them with photos, it seemed Watanabe Hiko had painted Xiao Xiangyue's paintings and written the words...
Photos were scattered all over the floor. Luo Guyun sat there in a daze, his mind blank. He saw whiskey on the wine cabinet next to him, opened a bottle, and gulped down half of it. Then he opened the diary and saw Watanabe Hiko's handwriting:
On the morning of April 15, 1939
Last night's sex with Chiyo was more boring than ever and ended abruptly.
In the misty hot spring pool of my dream, those captivating eyes actually looked at me...
What's wrong with me? Those eyes, filled with infinite affection and shimmering with light, keep swirling through my mind... How can one love someone like that? Fierce, adoring, unconditional, as if ready to burn themselves out and give everything. I'm actually a little envious... Maybe it's the male instinct to conquer! Such a godlike person exists in this world! But that person never even glanced at me...
Watanabe Hiko, oh Watanabe Hiko, you claim to be so extraordinary and think you can have everything. It turns out that there is a light in this world that you cannot reach!
......
Crazy! Crazy!
I am the noblest samurai of the Empire of Japan! I took advantage of someone's misfortune, and a man at that! I had the thought and the will to do something so despicable! I cannot forgive myself... What should I do? What should I do?
When I woke up this morning, Chiyo asked me who Yue was. She said I was drunk last night and kept calling Yue when we were making out. I was speechless...
That kiss took my soul away! What does it mean when someone is as beautiful as jade and a young man is unrivaled in the world? He is that unparalleled, rare and beautiful jade! I want to take it for myself! I want him to submit to me! There is nothing I, Watanabe Hiko, cannot obtain!
......
Are they the only two people in the world? I'm going crazy with jealousy! I want to be close to him! I want to possess him! I must be bewitched! This shouldn't be the case, this shouldn't be the case...
......
A sleepless night.
I have made up my mind that I want to keep him in Japan and keep him by my side forever.
I gave him my mother's zither. Beneath the cherry blossom tree, the breathtaking beauty will remain forever.
......
God's will, oh God's will! When the time comes, I fail at the last moment!
That person was incredibly protective of him. I had originally planned to use the secret compartment in the car to make him disappear without anyone noticing, but he seemed to have calculated it perfectly, arriving just in time and staying with me forever...
......
My uncle, after all, was the one who raised me since I was a child. He saw through my thoughts and scolded me harshly, telling me not to alert the enemy...
I'm conflicted. I've always been the pride of the Watanabe family. From a young age, I've always been strict with myself, suppressing my emotions and possessing no particular desires. And now, I've suddenly found something I desperately want, something I can't even eat or sleep for! Am I wrong? Perhaps I am...
......
Forget it, I should be ashamed! Blame myself! I'm going to Hokkaido! I'm going into self-exile, I've decided to use self-abuse to quench those uncontrollable thoughts...
......
The bitter cold of Hokkaido did not in the least extinguish that secret yet intense desire...
Lately, I've been wondering what the true meaning of life is. Power? Money? Status? Fame? The moment I heard him play "Moon Over the Deserted City," I felt as if I had found the true meaning of life! That bright, clear moon, to me, is the dream I should pursue with all my might! With him, I feel that life is worth living, and that my life is worthwhile...
......
I'm married. Chiyo is not wrong, and I will treat her well.
......
Once again, I woke up from my dream and the more I tried not to think about it, the more I missed her.
I secretly collected everything about him: photos, newspaper clippings, CDs, even the shirts he'd worn. Over the years, the scent of him had long since faded, but I still often took it out and sniffed it deeply. I couldn't understand why. It was like I was possessed... Maybe it was the stunning sight of him at first sight, maybe it was the awe-inspiring beauty of "Moon Over the Deserted City," the unpleasant music of the world, that was a fatal temptation for me! Maybe... maybe it was just jealousy, jealousy of the way he looked at that person, jealousy of his unwavering love... Maybe... it just touched a deep, hidden corner of my heart...
......
The planned trip to the United States fell through.
A team of a dozen elite soldiers couldn't even get close to him! That man's protection was omnipresent! Besides US government security personnel, he had a 24/7 security team of over a hundred retired Marines! I thought my chance had come, but unexpectedly, there was no way to take action unless the military was mobilized! But this was America... I could only hide in a secret corner, just like before in Japan, watching him from afar, letting the fire of desire burn and torment me...
......
Finally, I made up my mind to set foot on Chinese soil.
I know that this trip may lead me into an abyss from which there is no escape.
I've staked the rest of my life on this. If I succeed, I'll get what I want! If I fail, I'll be shattered to pieces!
I want to win completely! I will fight that man squarely on the battlefield and make him my defeated opponent! I will occupy the land of China and conquer its people! I want to possess him completely and utterly, making him willingly submit to me! I want him to know that I, Watanabe Hiko, am his only one! I am the one he should look up to, love, and worship! This is the entire meaning of my remaining life!
......
God bless me!
The moment I saw him standing before me, my heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. It felt so unreal, I couldn't tell if it was a dream or reality...
......
Those fiery eyes that had appeared countless times in my dreams, looking at me, were filled with strangeness, indifference, defensiveness, and resistance. How could I not feel jealousy and loss? He only cared about that one person. In his eyes, I was nothing more than an invader, a stranger, an enemy! I wanted to be closer to him, but as proud as I was, what was the point of forcing him if I couldn't completely possess his body and soul?
I've recently intensified my offensive deployment. One day, I'll defeat China, defeat that man, take his hand, and walk over his body! I'll make him understand that I, Watanabe Hiko, am the ultimate victor! There's still a long way to go... When the war is over, I'll bring him back to Japan. One day, he'll be completely mine.
......
He disappeared from my life again.
My uncle actually kidnapped him without telling me! Haha! A stain? Is my existence solely for the glory of my family? Am I not even worthy of a single moment of personal freedom? Without that bright moon for the rest of my life, what meaning is there in life?
No matter how high or low, I will find him. Otherwise, I will be destroyed...
......
How dare that brat surnamed He covet my moon? Humph, let him have his day for a few days, I will make sure he dies without a burial place!
......
Good-for-nothings, all good-for-nothings! They can't even tie up an ordinary person! I heard that Sun is a skilled doctor and might be the only hope for saving Xiangyue! What should I do? What should I do?
I want him to live! I want him to live with only me in his heart and eyes!
......
A miracle happened.
He was so frail, as if he could disappear at any moment. But every day, seeing him straining to keep his hollow eyes open, a kind smile plastered on his face, clearly unable to see anything, yet pretending to see, earnestly calling out "Brother Yun, Brother Yun"... I was lost in thought, sometimes even believing I was truly that person! I craved this feeling, the feeling of every cell blossoming for me! Even though I knew it was stolen... I was going crazy! I was addicted!
In front of his lover, he's like a peacock spreading its feathers, always wanting to show his most beautiful and best self, unwilling to let his beloved down in the slightest. Is this the ultimate love? True love brings out the best in human nature, inspiring great courage and strength, even transcending life and death. It's beautiful, sacred, awe-inspiring, endearing, and deeply addictive.
......
I was perfectly acting as the person I hated the most. I was enjoying this stolen happiness in a mean and greedy way. I was schizophrenic!
The only remaining self-esteem is holding on. When I enter his body and completely possess him, I want him to call me Yan, not Yun... I don't want to be someone else's substitute. That is not victory, but humiliation!
The manic and surging desire has nowhere to vent. I'm going crazy, no, really crazy!
......
I don't know if it was the end of luck or the end of suffering, but the doctor told me that his hearing could be restored.
When he can hear me, I will stand in front of him and tell him everything in person. The one who hugs him, kisses him, and caresses him every day is me, Watanabe Hiko, not the person in his heart!
Turns out, I can too!
......
I have never fallen into such an abyss from which there is no return as I do now.
I understand...I understand...
He was playing the piano! The sound was complex and profound, encompassing so many emotions... I understood. He wanted to live. He had his share of attachments and concerns in this world. He didn't want to abandon his beloved, even if living was a thousand times harder than death! He already knew I wasn't him! I was just playing along, acting! This was how he gained inner strength! How ridiculous that I thought I was giving him this strength...
......
For days, I lingered outside the window... He played beneath it, and I listened from outside. He was a genius, a brilliant mind. He knew I understood. His piano told me that he wanted to live, but he was also determined to die immediately! When I appeared before him as Watanabe Hiko, that would be his death!
......
I lost, completely. It was like a beautiful dream, but when I woke up, it was all gone! I wanted to kill him, and I wanted him to be buried with me!
I can't bear to give it back to him. I can't bear to destroy him. What should I do?
......
Master Kongneng came and talked with me all night long.
I realized...it's all over.
Just think of it as a play I performed with him! There really are bodies and souls in this world where every cell lives for the one they love. This is a terrifyingly powerful spiritual force! Everything pales in comparison to him! Perhaps it wasn't the mage's admonitions that awakened me, but his profound love that conquered me. I willingly fulfilled his wish, and mine as well...
......
I am calmly arranging my funeral arrangements.
I wrote down the music he played by the window. I sent it to Junko along with my mother's zither. Master Sono will bring my remains back to Japan and bury them beneath the cherry blossoms in our old home. Perhaps, I still dream of playing "Moon Over the Deserted Castle" under the cherry blossoms one day.
......
The diary covers the period from April 1937 to August 1945, and is written in fragments. Some parts are so illegible that they are almost indistinguishable. It is likely that the diary was written while drunk or in an abnormal mental state.
Luo Guoyun flipped through a few pages, tilted his head back, and gulped down a few mouthfuls of wine. His eyes were bloodshot. He wanted to tear the diary into pieces, but he felt that holding it would dirty his hands. He threw it hard into the corner, covered his face with his hands in pain, and his heart was in a state of confusion...
Xiao Xiangyue was half asleep, and habitually reached out to hug the person next to her, but found nothing and woke up completely. With the faint light from the corner of the bed, she found that Luo Guoyun was not in the room, so she quickly put on her clothes and got up. Seeing that the study door was closed, she pushed it, but it was locked from the inside. She knocked on the door gently: "Brother Yun, Brother, are you in there?"
Luo Guyun was still a little lucid, thinking that Yue'er must not see these things. He hurriedly picked up the scattered photos and hid the box in the cabinet. Then he stumbled to open the door. He was already unable to stand steadily and fell on him.
Xiao Xiangyue hurriedly supported the person who crashed into her arms. The strong smell of cigarettes and alcohol made him sneeze loudly. The horror in his heart was indescribable. He kept saying: "Brother, what's wrong with you? Yue'er is by your side. Is there anything you can't tell Yue'er?" He quickly helped the drunk man back to bed and wanted to wring a towel to wipe the smell of alcohol off his body. But Luo Guyun held him tightly, calling out incoherently: "Yue'er... Yue'er... don't go... don't leave brother..." Xiao Xiangyue was so anxious that she almost cried. She leaned on the head of the bed and hugged him to comfort him: "Yue'er is here, Yue'er won't leave... Brother, don't talk, just rest quietly, how could Yue'er leave you..."
It was already daybreak. Luo Guyun tossed and turned for half the night and finally fell into a deep sleep. Xiao Xiangyue held him the whole time, her heart aching... Her brother had never lost his composure like this before. What happened? Could it be related to the suitcase? He felt guilty and blamed himself. He watched his beloved suffer and was unable to figure out why! He could not empathize with him, nor could he comfort him at all! Luo Guyun obviously did not want him to see what was in the box. He had no memory, so it was useless to see it. It would be better to go find the old monk and ask for the truth! Even if his brother woke up and blamed him, he could not care less... He made up his mind, and seeing that the person in his arms was fast asleep, he pried open the arms that were tightly wrapped around him and quietly got up. He wanted the guards to notify Sun Mu to come and look after Luo Guyun, and then ordered the kitchen to prepare a bowl of sobering soup. He would go find the old monk and find out what was going on.
When the gate opened, a woman dressed in a gray robe and dressed like a nun lingered at the entrance. Guard Captain Wu Fang quickly reported, "This female nun arrived early this morning, saying she wanted to see Young Master Xiangyue. I was afraid the two masters might not be up yet, so I asked her to wait a moment."
The woman was Junko Watanabe. After returning to Japan from China, she became a nun and practiced at the family temple in the mountains behind Rokko. Xiao Xiangyue remembered seeing Junko for the first time that year when she came to Japan. Over twenty years later, her appearance had changed so much that she was unrecognizable. Looking at the nun in front of her, she hesitated and asked, "Who are you?"
Chunzi didn't notice his reaction and continued to herself, "I heard Xiangyue came to the old house. I hesitated for two days, but finally mustered the courage to come see you. Although I know this is an unreasonable request, the dead are the most important. Please Xiangyue fulfill my brother's last wish." Xiao Xiangyue asked in surprise, "What last wish?" Chunzi pointed to the zither placed on a stone bench nearby. "Before my brother committed suicide, he sent my mother's zither back to me for safekeeping. He also instructed that if Xiangyue ever forgives him, please play "Moon Over the Deserted City" again at his grave."
Xiao Xiangyue asked bewilderedly, "Forgive? Yesterday, the old monk also offered forgiveness, and today you're saying forgiveness too. Why exactly do you want me to forgive him alone?" She stepped forward and stroked the zither, "I brought this zither back to China long ago after General Watanabe Hiko gave it to Xiangyue. Why is it here?"
Chunzi finally realized that something was wrong with Xiao Xiangyue, and hurriedly asked: "Xiangyue, don't you remember? Back then, we lived together in Master Kongneng's Jueyuan Temple for several months..." Xiao Xiangyue frowned: "Master Kongneng? Is that the old monk last night?" Chunzi said: "Yes! When we were in Jueyuan Temple, we often studied music scores together. It was you who cured Master Kongneng's insomnia!" She fumbled out a music score from the inner pocket on her chest: "This was sent back by my brother with the zheng. I have been studying it carefully over the years, but I still can't get the point. I feel that the emotions in it are complex and deep, and it's hard to understand. I'm not sure if it was written by Xiangyue. I would like to ask for your advice..."
Xiao Xiangyue took the music score doubtfully, glanced through it, his expression changed drastically, and he said with difficulty: "This... this seems to be composed by Xiangyue. Let me try to play a song..." He sat down on the stone bench, closed his eyes slightly, and stroked the strings with trembling hands.
淙淙的琴音從指尖流出，蕭鑲月臉色由紅潤轉為青白，又轉為赤紅，額上先是滲出細密的汗珠，又變成黃豆大的汗滴往下淌。突聽他慘叫一聲，抱着頭蜷縮在地，接連嘔出幾口鮮血，掙脫想要扶住他的伍方，瘋了一樣往後山跑去。
伍方嚇得魂飛魄散，大喊：“鑲月！鑲月！”追出去幾步，又覺不妥，連忙對純子道：“你對這裏熟悉，跟着先生！我去通知将軍！”
駱孤雲迷迷糊糊聽見外面有叮咚的琴音，一摸枕邊人不在，徹底醒了，坐起定了定神，想起昨夜的事，急喚：“月兒，月兒！”無人回應，連忙翻身下床，鞋都來不及穿就去尋人。正好碰上驚慌失措跑進來的伍方。
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