Chapter 36
In the late summer of 2002, the lingering heat of late summer still raged, but a chill was beginning to seep in at dusk. The edges of the leaves on the poplar trees on the university campus were subtly tinged with yellow, like marks burned by unspoken worries. Li Muxue, who had just returned to school after summer vacation, stood by the public phone booth downstairs in her dormitory, her fingers unconsciously twirling the coiled telephone cord, listening to the voice from her hometown, a hundred miles away, coming through the receiver.
"Mu Xue, my scores are out. I passed the second-tier university admission line. I'm starting to think about applying to universities now. How are you?" Xu Chen's voice came through the noisy line, carrying a hint of deliberately concealed fatigue, as well as a kind of cautiousness that made her heart ache.
"Okay, take a rest. You can relax now, don't overexert yourself," she said softly, the words swirling in her throat before finally escaping with just this dry sentence. Once, it seemed they had endless things to say to each other, pouring out their deepest longings. Now, however, they were often filled with a silent void, like this, with only the hum of electricity remaining, a sigh from the insurmountable chasm between them.
In just one year, everything changed.
Long-distance relationships are tough enough, but theirs was compounded by the harsh realities of life, parental opposition, and Xu Chen's unspeakable inferiority complex.
Li Junsheng and Qiao Kexin's tone grew increasingly harsh: "Xiaoxue, you're only a sophomore. What kind of person are you to keep having an ambiguous relationship with Xu Chen? What will you do in the future? Do you want to marry into the Xu family? Impossible! As long as we're alive, you should give up on that idea!"
She tried to argue, saying that Xu Chen would get into university and that their future would be bright. But each time she finished talking to Xu Chen, the feeling of helplessness deepened. He became increasingly silent, and the only topics he talked about were studying and telling her to "take care of yourself," as if he were rehearsing a farewell in advance.
Busyness was Xu Chen's best disguise, but also the gentlest blade piercing Li Muxue. He buried himself in mountains of books, using physical exhaustion to numb his inner fear. He dared not slacken, knowing it was the only way to redeem himself; he also dared not respond too much to Li Muxue's longing, fearing that he would become immersed in tenderness and lose the strength to strive forward, and even more fearing that the future he promised would ultimately be nothing but emptiness. This love, after his release from prison, his choice to repeat his studies, and his retaking the exam, became a heavy burden, one he both wanted to shoulder with all his might, yet feared tarnishing her life.
Li Muxue felt the deliberately widened distance between them, and her heart sank lower and lower. She understood his pressure and felt sorry for his struggles, but she was just a twenty-two-year-old girl who needed a warm "I miss you" from her lover, not a polite "Take care." The cheerful laughter of her classmates talking to their boyfriends on the phone, the couples on campus—all felt like tiny needles pricking her lonely heart, while the phone call she was waiting for seemed to grow ever more distant…
The phone call that would decide their fates rang on an autumn evening when a gust of wind was just beginning to blow.
"Mu Xue," Xu Chen's voice was unusually hoarse, with the chirping of crickets outside the university's teaching building in the background, "I... have thought a lot."
“Yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about our future, just like you. To be honest, the more I think about it, the more scared and confused I become. I can’t convince my parents at all, and I can’t see any hope…” Li Muxue gripped the receiver tightly, her nails digging into her palms.
“Yes, I understand, I know all of that. I also feel… like I’ve been dragging you down all along.” He paused, his breathing heavy. “You deserve a better life, without burdens, without conflicts with Uncle Li and Aunt Qiao, without gossip. And me…”
"Xu Chen!" she interrupted him, tears already streaming down her face uncontrollably. "Xu Chen, I'm just so tired..."
“Uncle Li and Aunt Qiao are right.” He said, as if he had used all his strength, “I can’t be so selfish. Mu Xue. I respect your choice…”
There were no heated arguments, no dramatic misunderstandings, not even a clear "breakup." But both of them knew that the string that had been stretched for so long had finally snapped. It wasn't that they didn't love each other; it was that their love was too heavy, so heavy that they couldn't see a glimmer of light ahead, leaving both of their young hearts and minds exhausted.
After hanging up the phone, Li Muxue squatted by the phone booth for a long time, unable to cry out, only her shoulders shaking violently. The wind blew, and large swaths of poplar leaves fell, covering the ground, and also covering that autumn's love that ended without a trace.
Reality is always like this, full of helplessness and regret. Some people seem destined to accompany you only for a short part of your life's journey. Even if they once promised to walk together to the end, they will part ways at some crossroads for various reasons...
(To be continued)
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