Chapter 87: Memories Return, Lost in the Midst of It All
Jiang Liangxu released Zhao Xian, placed his hands on her arms, and asked, "Has Madam remembered all her memories?"
"What do you mean, 'remembering memories'? You're making it sound like I've lost my memory, I..." As she spoke, Zhao Xian suddenly felt a sharp pain in her head.
He fainted again.
Just then, Shaoyao summoned the imperial physician, intending to check Zhao Xian's pulse to see if she was alright, but unexpectedly, the lady fainted again.
Zhao Xian's fainting spell alarmed Li Lianniang, Cui Tingyue, and Jiang Heng, who arrived a little later. The three of them, disregarding whether Jiang Liangxu was in the room, stayed with the family physician to take Zhao Xian's pulse and examine her.
Zhao Xian's fainting spell was short-lived; she woke up in less than fifteen minutes.
"mother."
"mother."
"Mother, you're awake."
Three voices rang out at the same time. Apart from Jiang Heng, who squeezed to the front, there were two different beautiful faces standing side by side behind him.
Zhao Xian paused for a moment at the fervent concern in their eyes, her expression churning with mixed emotions. She subconsciously raised her hand to rub Jiang Heng's head, remained silent for a moment, and then slowly said, "I'm fine, don't worry."
Seeing that his mother was very weak, Jiang Heng leaned his head forward a little so that Zhao Xian could easily touch his head.
Ever since he argued with his mother a year ago about taking a concubine, his mother has never touched his head again, and her eyes have lost their loving gaze.
After looking around at the people in the room, Zhao Xian asked, "Where is Wei'er? I can't see her."
Jiang Hengxian replied, "There's a murder case at the Dali Temple, and my elder brother can't get away from it."
Li Lianniang gripped Cui Tingyue's hand tightly. For some reason, even though her mother-in-law was still her mother-in-law, she felt breathless and inexplicably afraid.
It should have been a good thing that my mother-in-law woke up, but for some reason, the atmosphere in the room was rather oppressive.
Upon hearing Jiang Heng's words, Zhao Xian remembered that Jiang Wei had been promoted. She waved her hand and said, "You all go out first. Your father and I have something to talk about."
Before long, only she and Jiang Liangxu remained in the room. Zhao Xian remained silent for a long time, and the room was quiet for a moment.
Zhao Xian used her hands to support herself as she tried to get up.
Jiang Liangxu reached out and helped her sit up, letting her lean against him. "Sorry, it was my fault for being nosy."
If it weren't for his words, she wouldn't have fainted again. His thumb stroked her bloodless lips; the situation seemed even worse than before.
"My husband, I..."
As soon as Zhao Xian called out to him, tears streamed down her face uncontrollably, her voice choked in her throat, and she opened her mouth to speak, but it was as if she were mute, unable to utter a sound.
She's not a crybaby, and besides, she's not a teenage girl anymore who needs to cry to solve problems.
But Zhao Xian found herself unable to control herself; the repression in her body seemed to only be released by squeezing out tears.
"Jiang Liangxu, I feel so bad."
Jiang Liangxu was a little flustered. "Where do you feel unwell?"
"In my heart." Zhao Xian raised her hand to wipe away the tears on her face, but she couldn't stop them. "I don't know whether I should be sad that I forgot my past life, or sad that I've become part of this life."
Jiang Liangxu hurriedly wiped away her tears, saying, "No matter what, Ah Xian will always be Ah Xian. Even if she forgets, she will remember again. Ah Xian is the most unwilling to admit defeat, and now she has remembered again, hasn't she? You should be happy."
Zhao Xian shook her head. No, she had changed and was no longer herself.
Zhao Xian didn't know how to explain that feeling. If she had only been reborn and then suddenly remembered her past life, she might not have reacted so strongly.
Perhaps it can also serve as the beginning of a story, to create a commotion and make sure one's life isn't wasted.
But she discovered that her rebirth brought her memories with her. From the very beginning, she knew that she was not from this world. She resisted with her memories while also having to adapt to the rules of this era.
When did she begin to gradually adapt to the rules of this world?
Was it from when they came to Jin'an, and Jiang Liangxu went to high school?
It was Princess Rongyang who took a liking to Jiang Liangxu. The Qian family, for the sake of wealth and glory, wanted to send her and Jiang Wei to their deaths, but because they lacked the power to take revenge, they were powerless to do so. This was the beginning of a conflict.
It was after meeting Meng Yingniang and watching her commit suicide that she began to use her status to get things done for the first time, reducing Tao Maoran to ashes.
Did she lose herself as she gradually climbed the ranks of Jiang Liangxu's official position, becoming so admired that she was overwhelmed by others?
Or perhaps, upon returning to Jin'an, she discovered there were always people more capable than herself, and all the superiority she had been showered with attention vanished in an instant. The most common insult she received was, "A country bumpkin like her doesn't deserve it."
When did she start trying so hard to blend in, attempting to remove those harsh words, to stop being subservient, and to gain the ruthlessness to make others bow down to her?
Zhao Xian remembered that these things were already destined from the moment she married Jiang Liangxu.
Why did she always see Jiang Liangxu's back in her memory? He wanted to climb up the social ladder and not let those people bully them at will. Zhao Xian was also urging and accompanying him to climb up the social ladder. She herself did not want to be bullied.
She was very successful; she integrated herself into the group, but completely forgot the way she came and her own identity.
"Jiang Liangxu, I..."
Zhao Xian opened her mouth, tears rolling down into it, bitter and salty. What was there to complain about? What was there to feel wronged about? What was there to be unwilling to accept?
Didn't she achieve all of this step by step on her own?
She gradually integrated into this era, from her initial sense of superiority to her later sobering descent into depravity, watching herself sink deeper and deeper into it.
The more Zhao Xian recalled everything, the more suffocated she felt, and she couldn't help but cry out loud, "How could this happen? How could this happen? Jiang Liangxu, I've become the kind of person I hate the most. I've forgotten who I am, I've forgotten, I've forgotten."
Jiang Liangxu had never seen her cry like this before. Even when Meng Yingniang passed away, she was still restrained and calm when she was sad.
He had anticipated this outcome. Words of comfort were meaningless. He hugged Zhao Xian, who was sobbing uncontrollably, and said, "Ah Xian has always been Ah Xian. She hasn't become anyone else. It's okay to forget. My Ah Xian is so smart. She's remembered again, hasn't she?"
"But I can't go back."
Zhao Xian stared blankly at Jiang Liangxu, her eyes blurred with tears, making her expression unreadable.
Zhao Xian, in her early twenties, was at her most vibrant and energetic before she transmigrated. Even after transmigrating, she was still full of curiosity.
Zhao Xian, in her thirties, had already become a third-rank noblewoman and could chat casually with other noblewomen.
Adapting to the rules of this era indicates that she has been assimilated; it would be fine if she simply continued down this path.
But she suddenly lost those memories and only remembered things from before she transmigrated.
The fear and dread in my heart did not disappear even after I regained my memories.
Zhao Xian became increasingly confused. What should she do? She had too many attachments here. Could she ever go home?
The clash between her thoughts from her past and present lives left her feeling as if she had been torn apart.
Zhao Xian, who was new to the workforce, saw everything as beautiful and had not yet encountered much malice, nor would she assume the worst about others.
Half of her life was a journey from a village girl to a third-rank noblewoman, where she had witnessed too much evil in human nature and seen too many two-faced people, eventually becoming a stereotypical matriarch.
Zhao Xian voiced the question that had been lingering in her mind, "Husband, what should I do? Who do I belong to in this state?"
Jiang Liangxu reached out and held Zhao Xian's hand, their fingers intertwined. "My Xian is very smart. You have just regained your memories and can't accept it yet. I believe that in a couple of days, Xian will no longer be troubled by these things."
He couldn't give her an answer. He didn't have those so-called wonderful lives in other worlds. He understood her discomfort in unfamiliar places, but he couldn't truly empathize with her, so he couldn't guide her.
--
waiter
Cui Tingyue noticed that Li Lianniang's expression was not good. "Sister-in-law, you look terrible. But my nephew has bothered you again. Why don't you go back to the courtyard and rest first?"
Li Lianniang looked up and saw the concern in Cui Tingyue's eyes. She opened her mouth, wanting to ask if she had noticed anything unusual about her mother-in-law.
It was as if my mother-in-law, who used to be quite strict, had returned.
The same face, but with an inexplicable increase in arrogance that was impossible to ignore; a single glance was enough to see right through her, leaving her nowhere to hide.
That feeling was terrifying.
However, the words remained unspoken.
Li Lianniang was not unaware of her mother-in-law's change; she had become so much better.
Because her mother-in-law liked Xiu'er, she thought that her mother-in-law's change was because she had given birth to a child.
But her mother-in-law's gaze just now made her realize that things might not be like that.
"I'm fine," Li Lianniang shook her head.
Seeing that she insisted, Cui Tingyue stopped talking.
Of the group, Jiang Heng was the most anxious. He had promised to marry Lu Zhaoying at the end of the month, but then his mother fainted.
Jiang Heng was in a hurry. His father-in-law was about to take up a new post and leave, and his mother was sick. He couldn't compromise with either side.
Seeing the curtain lifted and the person coming out, Jiang Heng quickly stepped forward, "Sister Shaoyao, is my mother alright? How is she?"
Peony was sent to deliver a message: "Master said that Madam needs to rest and recuperate, and will not come to pay her respects for the time being. Once Madam has recovered, he will send someone to invite the young mistress, young master, and young lady to come."
Since things have come to this point, they no longer need to guard it.
The maid helped Li Lianniang walk outside. After a few steps, Li Lianniang looked back, her eyes filled with worry.
Because of what her stepmother had done, after she married into the Jiang family, her mother-in-law's attitude towards her and the way she looked at her terrified her.
She wanted her current mother-in-law; she wanted her mother-in-law to look at her with admiration and satisfaction, not disgust and indifference.
--
Zhao Xian listened to Jiang Liangxu's advice to rest quietly, but in reality, she was trying to sort out her chaotic thoughts.
She sat there blankly for three days, still unable to figure things out, when she saw Jiang Heng peeking in through the window.
"Mother." Seeing Zhao Xian sitting by the window, staring blankly at the water curtain, Jiang Heng jumped in.
Seeing Jiang Heng, Zhao Xian felt happy, and her voice softened, carrying the dignity of an elder to a younger person, "Why not use the door instead of climbing through the window?"
Jiang Heng sat down next to Zhao Xian. "Mother, are you feeling better?"
He asked the family physician, but the physician's answer was ambiguous. He only knew one thing: his mother did not have a serious illness or physical injury.
"I'm sorry to have worried Heng'er." Zhao Xian didn't know if she was sick or not.
Jiang Heng pursed his lips, hesitating to speak.
Zhao Xian could tell at a glance that he had something to say. He wasn't one to keep secrets, and he wanted to tease her, but felt it would be beneath his dignity, so he said gently, "Speak, what brings you in such a hurry to find your mother?"
"Mother, the day after tomorrow is Yingying's wedding day..."
Although his father said there would be no mistakes, his mother hadn't shown up, and he was really worried.
Looking at the stubbornness in his eyes, Zhao Xian suddenly remembered last year. It was because of an argument with him that she lost her memory and thought she had traveled through time.
At that moment, Zhao Xian felt her mind suddenly clear and she made up her mind.
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