Her words, "If my parents weren't still hesitating," were like a drop of water thrown into a calm lake, instantly sparking my curiosity. I couldn't help but ask, "What do you mean? Don't your parents like me?"
She showed no weakness and immediately retorted, "Guan Hongjun, think about it carefully. You have been married twice and have two children. Why should my parents choose you?"
This revelation left me speechless for a moment. What she said was indeed reasonable. Which parent doesn't want their never-married daughter to find a husband who is more compatible in all aspects? In my case, it was really difficult for her parents to accept it willingly.
However, before she finished her words, she continued to attack me like a string of cannonballs, mercilessly lashing out at me for feeling good about myself: "Besides, there are a lot of rumors about you out there, saying that you have a chaotic emotional life and are fickle. How can I let my parents leave me to you with confidence?"
I was annoyed and retorted angrily: "If you think so little of me, why are you here? Aren't you just bored?"
She raised her head slightly, with a complex emotion flashing in her eyes, with anger and a little complaint: "If it weren't for my aunt and uncle treating you as your own son and calling my parents all day to praise you, do you think you would be willing to come?"
I waved my hands helplessly, trying to end this futile argument, and said seriously: "Xu Tong, let's not dwell on this matter anymore. It's meaningless to talk about it. Since all this is caused by my father-in-law and mother-in-law, I will go to you now to explain the situation clearly and not cause any more trouble for you."
After saying that, I turned around and was about to leave. The moment she took a step forward, she suddenly stretched out her hand and held my arm tightly. I turned my head subconsciously, and saw that her eyes were red, tears were rolling in her eye sockets, her lips were trembling slightly, but she seemed to be choked by something and couldn't utter a word.
I tried to break free from her hand, but she held it tighter, her fingertips turning white from the force. In this situation, I had no choice but to give up struggling and just stand there quietly.
Seeing her tears falling like pearls from a broken string, my heart softened instantly, and my tone became soft unconsciously: "Xu Tong, I have been exhausted both physically and mentally recently, and I am in a state of chaos. Maybe I spoke a little harshly and in a bad tone just now, please don't take it to heart. Let's calm down and deal with this matter properly, okay?"
She lowered her head slightly, her voice choking with sobs, as if she was mumbling to herself: "I really regret it now. Why did I listen to my aunt and go to see you? My originally peaceful life has been messed up by you. Now I am at a loss and have no idea how to face you. What do you think is right?"
I sighed and said sincerely, "It's not your fault. From the beginning to the end, I have an unshirkable responsibility. It was me who didn't handle this relationship well, which made you have an illusion that you shouldn't have, and made things so complicated. Xu Tong, we are really not suitable. You know, I'm not the kind of good man who lives a law-abiding life."
She raised her head and looked at me with tears in her eyes, her voice carrying a hint of despair and helplessness: "I know what you said. But since you said those words to me last time, I haven't slept well. I tried my best to control myself from thinking about you, but that thought was like a root that I couldn't get rid of. Even my self-esteem, which I have always valued and been proud of, has become vulnerable in the face of this relationship. I really don't know what to do..."
Looking at her expression full of pain and struggle, I knew in my heart that this matter was heading towards the worst direction. Often, the more self-reliant and open-minded a person appears, the easier it is for him to lose himself and find no way to save himself once he falls into the whirlpool of emotions. Xu Tong happens to be such a person. And I just happened to be the straw that could not save her life.
At this moment, I understand that for her, perhaps only the most decisive and cruel words can make her completely sober. Although this will be like a sharp blade, hurting her heart severely, a short pain is worse than a long pain. I gritted my teeth, made up my mind, and said coldly: "Xu Tong, you have to face the reality. To tell you the truth, I have never had you in my heart."
When she heard what I said, her body trembled violently, a trace of disbelief flashed in her eyes, and she still stubbornly refuted: "Then why did you treat me like that that time?"
I pretended to be impatient and indifferent, and said angrily: "Why don't you wake up! For me, kissing a woman is as simple and common as drinking water and eating. It's not worth mentioning. As long as it's a woman who arouses my desire, I will get close to her without hesitation. Don't be so self-indulgent and don't think that action has any special meaning!"
She stared at me blankly, her eyes so strange that I dared not look directly at them. I clearly felt that her self-esteem, which she had always maintained, was now like a fragile mirror, with cracks appearing one after another, and then with a "crash", it shattered into countless powders.
I really don't have the courage to look at her at this moment, she must be full of heartbreak and despair. I had no choice but to harden my heart and said coldly, "I won't come later. From now on, we won't have anything to do with each other anymore."
After saying that, I turned around and walked quickly out of the bedroom, and came to the living room without looking back. At this time, Xixi was still playing with building blocks attentively, and I picked her up. The little guy was frightened by my sudden action, and then started crying in dissatisfaction. But at this moment, my mind was full of thoughts of escaping from here, and I had no time to comfort her. I hurriedly opened the door and walked out in a panic.
That night, darkness enveloped me like an airtight net. I lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep, my thoughts running wild like a wild horse. In my mind, I can't help but think of the classic words written by Eileen Chang in "Red Rose and White Rose": "Perhaps every man has had two such women, at least two. Marry the red rose, and then the red becomes a smear of mosquito blood on the wall, and the white is still the 'bright moonlight in front of the bed'; marry the white rose, and the white is a grain of rice stuck on your clothes, and the red is a cinnabar mole on your heart."
In this silent night, I seemed to be driven by an inexplicable emotion, and for no reason I associated Chen Mengzhao and Xu Tong with the characters in the novel. Chen Mengzhao, she is passionate as fire, exuding vigorous vitality, treating love like a moth to a flame, regardless of everything, and even daring to break through the shackles of secular ethics. Isn't she so passionate and a little dangerous, just like Wang Jiaorui in the novel? As for Xu Tong, she is dignified, generous, cold and introverted, with a temperament that keeps people at a distance. Although she lacks some passion, she is like a quietly blooming lily, which makes people feel that it is tasteless to eat and a pity to throw away. Such an image is very similar to Meng Yanli in the novel.
As for myself, although I resisted deeply in my heart, I had to admit that in some ways, I was very similar to Tong Zhenbao in the novel. Although I am not the kind of person who is conceited and self-righteous as a "gentleman", I will not suppress my inner desires like you. However, the sad thing is that I, like you, lost my direction in the complicated vortex of emotions, couldn't find my true self, and let the torrent of emotions make me dizzy and not know where to go.
My thoughts were like wild horses running on the grassland, suddenly jumping out of the literary world constructed by Eileen Chang and plunging into the deep meditation of philosophy. In this quiet night, my feelings for Shen Mengzhao and Xu Tong are becoming more and more like a fog, chaotic and difficult to distinguish.
Chen Mengzhao, she is like a burning fire, exuding a breath of heat and freedom. The passion she gives is as swift as a volcanic eruption. It is the full release of life vitality under "pneumatics", which makes me involuntarily attracted and intoxicated. And Xu Tong is like a calm lake, pure and dignified. Her existence is like an invisible discipline, which makes me unconsciously restrain my nature when I am with her. This restraint is like "qi condensation", suppressing the inner impulse deep inside.
These two completely different desires, like two intertwined ropes, are tightly wrapped around my heart, nourishing an unpolished and untamed primitive impulse in my heart. I was wavering between the two, just like the chaotic energy lingering in the world, unpredictable. The focus of the contradiction is like the fierce blending and confrontation of yin and yang in the universe, which are intertwined and repelled from each other, making me upset.
The thoughts in my mind became more and more confused. I tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. Finally, I simply threw back the quilt, turned on the bedside lamp, stood up and walked to the cupboard, opened the drawer, and the radar watch that Chen Mengzhao had carefully selected for me lay quietly there. I picked it up gently and looked at it carefully under the light.
Finally, I put the radar watch that carries so many complex emotions on my wrist steadily, put on my clothes, and gently closed the door.
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