In the bitter cold, I would stand there for a long time, until late at night, until the lights went out one by one.
I don't have that kind of crazy feeling towards her, but I do have a lingering sadness.
If I really can't help it, I will send her a text message, and she will reply calmly, but there is always a feeling that we are within reach, yet so far away.
Later, she stopped replying my text messages.
I know that she has succumbed to the fate and the authority of her elders.
Maybe! She has never loved at all, she just wants to find a partner to depend on.
Maybe! She also had feelings, but it was just a superficial taste, and time had already diluted everything.
I spent a huge amount of money to buy a Meizu MXmp3, which only stored one piece of music in it - "June Boat Song".
I have reached the point where I cannot fall asleep without listening to it. Whenever I hear music in my headphones, the touching moments of her playing the piano will appear before my eyes.
I couldn't relieve the depression in my heart, I became silent and numb.
Finally, Wang Yanshu couldn't stand it anymore, so she sent me to study at the Provincial Administrative College's reserve cadre training class.
She said earnestly, "Hongjun, this opportunity is rare, and I fought for it. If you change your environment and settle down, there will be no obstacles that you can't overcome."
I replied expressionlessly: "I obey the organization's arrangements."
She sighed: "A man may be poor but his heart is not poor, and he should not wait to blame God for his prosperity. Don't be depressed, you must strive for strength and let those who look down on you see it."
I retreated speechlessly, tears already pouring down my cheeks.
The one-month training was long and boring, but by chance I got to know Zhang Xiaodong, deputy director of the Cadre Training Division of the Organization Department of the Provincial Party Committee.
He mentioned my name during his lecture and praised the research report I published in the newspaper.
Once people have a common topic, they can easily get close to each other.
On Sunday, he invited me to a barbecue restaurant to eat skewers and drink beer. As a deputy director-level leader, he was not arrogant at all and cared for me like a brother.
He is of a high rank, but he is only eight years older than me.
I had a very pleasant conversation with him, and we shared similar interests.
I asked him to visit our county when he was free, and he gladly agreed.
When the training class was about to end, I accidentally learned that the Provincial Symphony Orchestra was going to hold a classical music concert. In order to get tickets, I begged Zhang Xiaodong.
He used his connections to get me a ticket, and when he handed it to me he said, "This is an internal performance, tickets are not sold to the public, I got it from someone. I didn't expect you would have such a taste for it."
I smiled bitterly and said, "Someone taught me to listen to classical music, and before I knew it I was addicted to it."
He said, "I understand. You are using music to heal your wounds."
I thought to myself, this isn't healing at all, it's clearly a mourning ceremony for a relationship.
Sitting in the concert hall, the music of Mozart, Liszt and Beethoven ended, and Tchaikovsky's "Seasons" The tenth movement "Autumn Song" slowly sounded. The music was like a song in andante, slow and lingering, and the sadness of autumn filled my heart.
I thought of her again with a heart-wrenching sadness.
At the end of the year, Vice President Xu invited me to his house for a drink.
He was a scholar with a solid theoretical foundation, gentle and passionate, and he despised the bureaucracy.
Wang Yanshu prepared a table of dishes, raised her glass and said to me: "Hongjun, congratulations on your completion of the training. I wish you a bigger stage in the future to realize your ambitions."
I smiled self-deprecatingly and drank the wine in the glass.
Before I put down my cup, my cell phone rang.
I saw it was Zhang Xiaodong calling, so I answered the call.
"Brother, how are you doing lately?"
I said, "It's just so-so."
He said, "Don't mess around with me, kid. I'm breaking the rules today to tell you some news."
I said, "What news? It's so mysterious."
He asked, "When will your probation period end next year?"
I said, "The moon."
He laughed at the other end of the phone: "Then it's not too late. Don't spread what I said. According to the arrangement of the Provincial Party Committee Organization Department, all localities will conduct a pilot selection of township and county-level officials in the middle of next year. This opportunity is rare, so you must prepare early."
I said, "Selection? Is it an exam?"
He said, "Well, with your current qualifications, it would take a long time for you to get promoted to the township level based on seniority. Now you finally have the opportunity to break the convention. If you can't seize it, don't say that I don't recognize you."
I was very moved and said, "Thank you, man. I won't let you down."
I hung up the phone, feeling a surge of warmth in my heart.
Wang Yanshu and his wife looked at each other and looked at me curiously.
I made the content of the call public without reservation because I also treat them as my family and there is really no need to hide it.
Old Xu was very happy, picked up the wine glass and drank it all in one gulp: "One day, the great phoenix rises with the wind, and soars up to 90,000 miles. My brother is not a fish in the pond after all."
We drank and talked happily, and before we knew it, we were drunk.
Coming back from Wang Yanshu's house, I stood on the second floor and looked at the windows of Zhu's house without realizing it, feeling anxious and restless for a long time.
"Is that you, Xiaoguan?"
I looked in the direction of the voice and saw Zhu Qingwan's mother, Aunt Li.
I was a little embarrassed and covered up by saying, "Auntie, I just came from Principal Xu's house and was just about to go back."
She also looked up at her own window and understood why I was standing upstairs looking out.
She said, "Qingwan is not at home."
I said, "Oh, you are busy, I am leaving now."
She stopped me and said apologetically, "The one in our family is a stubborn old man, don't mind it."
I said, “It’s all in the past.”
She hesitated to speak, but finally couldn't hold back her tears and said, "Qingwan is a thoughtful child. She has had a hard time during this period. If you want, go see her."
I said, "It's better not to see it. Seeing it is even more painful."
She wiped away her tears and handed me the lunch box in her pocket: "Go, she is in Ward 306 of the Internal Medicine Department of the County Hospital."
I grabbed the lunch box, turned around and ran.
Aunt Li shouted from behind: "Slow down, there's chicken soup inside, don't spill it all!"
Not to mention chicken soup, I don't even want foenic soup!