I immediately clasped my fists and apologized, with a look of regret on my face: "I was wrong. I really don't know what happened. I just couldn't suppress the urge to argue with you."
Seeing this, she smiled and said, "Although I am not a major in clinical psychology, I can try to diagnose you."
I showed a puzzled expression and asked, "Do I need a physical examination?" As I said this, I even pretended to undress in an attempt to ease the atmosphere.
She smiled with a hint of teasing in her eyes: "Be honest and don't play tricks on me. Let's get back to the point. After Qingwan passed away, have you had any intimate contact with other women?"
I was a little hesitant, but I thought that even if I had done it, I couldn't tell her, let alone if I really didn't, so I answered firmly, "No."
She nodded and continued to ask: "Then do you reject close contact?"
I thought for a moment and answered honestly: "I don't mind."
She then asked: "If you have a new partner, will you frequently question whether the other person is sincere to you? Will you interpret the other person's ordinary words and actions as 'not loving yourself'?"
I smiled helplessly: "This is just a hypothetical question, I won't answer it."
She seemed to see through my thoughts, looked at me with eyes that knew everything, and asked with a smile: "Then will you continue to immerse yourself in the memories or hallucinations of the deceased?"
I frowned and answered uncertainly: "Well, I'm not sure. Sometimes I can, and sometimes I can't."
She nodded and her expression became serious. "Based on my initial judgment, you don't seem to be in a state of unfinished grief because you refuse to answer hypothetical questions and don't have specific examples to support the theory of ambivalent attachment. I am more inclined to think that you are showing symptoms of persistent loss syndrome."
I said, "Do you really understand? I'm not being mysterious, am I?"
She ignored my interruption and continued slowly: "Irving Yalom once said in his book Existential Psychotherapy, 'Grief is not the end, but the beginning of learning how to love yourself again.' You need to understand this deeply. Love is an active choice, not a tool to replace the old love. New feelings are not a betrayal of past love, but a testimony to the natural flow and continuation of the river of life."
I felt as if her words had hit the softest part of my heart, and I said in a panic, "What new love, old love, choice, replacement, that's not the case at all."
She smiled lightly, her eyes sparkling: "You are a typical case of trying to cover up one's own guilt, which further confirms my judgment."
Just as I was about to refute her again, the phone in my pocket rang at an inopportune time, interrupting our conversation.
I looked carefully and found that the person calling was Lin Xun.
I made a "huh" gesture to signal Yang Ruining to keep quiet. Then I answered the phone and said calmly, "Hello, General Lin, do you have any instructions?"
She asked in a cold voice on the other end of the phone: "Where are you now?"
I deliberately answered casually: "On the way home."
She didn't seem to believe me and raised her voice a few degrees: "You're lying."
From her tone, I keenly sensed that this was not a simple test, and secretly guessed that Wang Yanshu might have revealed something to her.
Sure enough, she continued, "Wang Yanshu just called me and asked if Zhiming had any plans to meet you. I asked my brother, and he said there was no plan to meet you."
The moment my lie was exposed, I felt a flash of embarrassment, but I quickly calmed down and explained, "Oh, that, I was using Mr. Yu as a shield. In fact, I met an old classmate in the provincial capital."
I couldn't help but sigh in my heart, as the saying goes, "It takes a thousand lies to cover up a lie."
She seemed dissatisfied with my explanation and asked, "Meeting classmates is a legitimate thing to do. Why did you lie to Wang Yanshu?"
I smiled helplessly, trying to defuse the awkwardness with humor: "I am meeting a female classmate, I can understand your curiosity, but you have to give me some privacy, right? Besides, you are not my wife, why are you staring at me so closely?"
This sentence obviously touched her sensitive nerves, and her tone was full of dissatisfaction and emotion: "Guan Hongjun, I know that I can be nothing to you, but even for yourself and for the dead Zhu Qingwan, you shouldn't let yourself fall!"
When she mentioned "the dead Zhu Qingwan", it was like a sharp knife piercing my heart, and I instantly lost my mind. I yelled fiercely: "I have fallen into depravity, so what? I am now hugging my female classmate to make love in Wushan, what can you do?"
As soon as I finished speaking, I heard a crisp "Pah" from the other end of the phone, followed by a beep as the call was hung up.
I angrily stuffed the phone into my pocket. In the midst of my rage, I found that Yang Ruining was looking at me with a slightly sarcastic but gentle smile: "Aren't you going to make love with your female classmate? Then go ahead. I won't see you off." As she spoke, she gracefully made a gesture of invitation.
I was at the peak of my emotions, and her words once again acted like a fuse, igniting the anger in my heart. I rushed to her, grabbed her hand without saying anything, and violently pulled her up from the office chair.
She was shocked by my sudden action and her eyes widened, her beautiful eyes were full of surprise and confusion. She wanted to resist, but it was too late. I could no longer control my emotions and lowered my head to seal her warm and soft lips tightly.
At that moment, it was as if the whole world had stopped, with only our breathing and heartbeats intertwined.
In the entanglement of lips and tongues, both she and I involuntarily hugged each other's waist tightly, as if we wanted to merge each other into our bodies. At that moment, our hearts were filled with strong desires, as if we wanted to completely possess each other.
However, just as I slowly put my hand into her clothes, she suddenly pushed me away, her face full of panic and shame: "This is a hospital, are you crazy!"
I was stunned, looking at her in confusion. She hadn't resisted just now, and even seemed very happy, so why did she suddenly change her attitude now? I was about to open my mouth to refute her, but I saw a shy and touching expression on her face, like a first kiss. She looked at me affectionately, her eyes full of love.
Seeing her like this, I swallowed back all my sarcasm and attacks.
I said, "I'm sorry, I was impulsive and my behavior just now was inappropriate."
She shook her head slightly, with a hint of shyness still in her eyes, but she said firmly: "You are not sorry for me, I did all this willingly."
After hearing her words, my mood became even more complicated. Thinking about how Yu Zhiming had always trusted me, and how I was now doing such an outrageous act to his wife behind his back, a strong sense of moral shame surged up like a tide, tearing at my heart.
At this moment, the phone rang, interrupting the awkward silence between us. I looked at the number and it was Yu Zhiming calling. My heart was suddenly overwhelmed and I was so nervous that I could hardly breathe.
I took a deep breath, tried to calm myself down, and answered the phone.
She said excitedly, "Director Guan, my sister told me that you are in the provincial capital. That's great. You are still going to that club. I will be there soon too. I just happen to have something to tell you."
I felt like a thief who had been caught stealing something. My heart was beating like a drum, almost jumping out of my chest. I responded without thinking, "Okay."