February 17, 2002, was the sixth day of the Chinese New Year. This day is the day of "sending away poverty" according to folk customs. Choosing this day to travel means "saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new" and "starting a smooth journey."
After my divorce, my family in the countryside celebrated the Spring Festival. My mother saw that I was determined to go out and hang out, so she chose the sixth day of the first lunar month as the day for me to leave.
I packed my bags and left my hometown for the second time. This time I was not going to study with great anticipation, but to escape with sadness.
He picked me up at the railway station in Laobasu City in a shabby Xiali car.
When I met him again more than three years after graduating from this university, he already had the demeanor of a small boss.
When he was welcoming me, he listened to my miserable experience and expressed his sympathy and regret for me: "Sixth brother, you were one of the top students in our class back then, and you never missed out on any scholarships every semester. I never thought that you are doing the worst now."
I always thought that sympathy and pity were a kind of well-intentioned humiliation, and I threw a hurtful remark: "I'm a lousy person, but there's no need for me to live under your yoke and depend on you. I don't even want to do your job anymore."
After saying that, he picked up his luggage and left.
Seeing that I was still clinging to my last bit of self-respect, Lao Ba tried hard to hold me back, bowing to me repeatedly to apologize.
That's how I became a network administrator in his internet cafe. He would manage the internet cafe during the day, and I would take over at night.
I started a period of aimless working life.
As a network administrator, I have to perform multiple duties. I am responsible for collecting money, maintaining equipment, attracting customers, maintaining order, and so on.
Life was ordinary, but also quite fulfilling. At that time, there were no popular online games. I just played "Red Alert", "Era of Empires" and "Strike" online with a group of children every day.
I made full use of my talent for thinking. When other Internet cafes' "Strike Force" games still had the mission objective of rescuing a group of ugly and old scientists, I had already started to modify the game with software and changed the mission objective to a group of beautiful women in bikinis.
This attracted a large number of customers to Lao Ba's Internet cafe. Soon, I suggested that Lao Ba implement a preferential policy of exchanging membership points for computer time, and the Internet cafe business became more and more prosperous.
But all this cannot relieve the deep depression in my heart.
I began to miss my son, especially when it was late at night and everyone was asleep. I would sit at the cashier counter, staring at the glowing monitor, and his lovely smiling face would appear in my mind.
After the surge of emotion, a feeling of loneliness and emptiness surrounded me again.
When I was bored, I registered my first Penguin account online. Without thinking, I named it "Lonely souls", which means "lonely soul".
The cultural level of netizens at that time was generally not very high, and my seemingly high-end username did not attract a single netizen.
One day at about three in the morning, the Penguin account I logged into the Internet made a pleasant "beeping" sound. I forced myself to click on the friend request box with my mouse. A person with the online name "Pertani Love" applied to be my friend.
I was so sleepy that I didn't realize the real meaning of this online name. It was just a random imitation of a Chinese name. At that time, this kind of online name was very popular.
I accepted the friend request without hesitation, after all, this was the first person who took the initiative to add me as a friend.
After a while, a dialog box appeared: Hello, why are you still not resting so late? Is it because you are lonely?
My eyes lit up, knowing that she understood the meaning of my English online name.
I replied excitedly: Hello, loneliness is not enough to keep me awake all night. I didn't sleep because I was still working.
She typed very quickly and replied immediately: Oh, you are so hardworking, still working in the middle of the night.
I had just started chatting online, and I had no awareness of hiding my true identity in the virtual world, so I answered truthfully: I work as a network administrator in an Internet cafe, working the night shift every day, so I can't say I'm hardworking. But you, you're still awake so late, are you lonely and hardworking?
For a few minutes, I didn't hear the "beep" sound anymore, and I thought that an accidental online encounter would end in a bad mood because of my poor words.
Just when I logged off the Penguin, her profile picture started flashing again.
I opened the dialog box, and her answer was: I'm not hardworking at all, so I'm lonely. I'm online every day, if you want to find someone to chat, feel free to QQ me.
Then, we chatted back and forth until Lao Ba came to take over my shift.
Although I didn't sleep all night, I felt a sense of novelty and fulfillment.
This novelty lies in guessing the other person's thoughts and moods based on a few words during the chat, completely blocking the role of sensory communication.
I can tell that the other person should be a woman, and an educated woman.
Because when she chats, her writing is fluent, her logic is clear, and her emotions are delicate.
That night, we continued our conversation on the topic we discussed last time.
I also deduced a lot of details about her from her words: I was sure that she was a woman, about my age, well educated, with plenty of time, probably without a stable job, with good living conditions, and living in the south.
A few years later, when I explained my judgment with reason and evidence, Tang Xiaomei sneered and said that I was really being promiscuous all the time because I still had the energy to hook up with a stranger I met online when my wife and children were separated.
I said that this was not my subjective decision, but was driven by the gears of fate.
She smiled and said that my birth chart might have Xianchi in it, which meant I was doomed to have romantic relationships.
Before Guan Ningyu’s two-year-old birthday, I asked Lao Ba for an advance on his salary and remitted it all to Zhang Fangfang.
I wrote in the message box of the remittance slip: Happy birthday to my son Guan Ningyu!
Of the 1,000 yuan, 500 is for the monthly child support, and the remaining 500 is a small token of my appreciation to my son on his birthday as an incompetent father.
Zhang Fangfang understood my intention. On the evening of my son's birthday, she called my pager from the office downstairs.
I called back from the internet cafe.
She said that her son went to a photo studio to take birthday photos today, and that he looks more and more like me, and can already say a few simple words like "Dad" and "Mom".
She put the phone next to her son's mouth and urged him to call daddy.
The son babbled twice, but in the end didn't cry out.
Zhang Fangfang took the phone back and cried to me, "Guan Hongjun, you still have a conscience and still think about your son's birthday."
She was sobbing into the phone, and her son saw his mother crying and started crying too.
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I choked up as I said to Zhang Fangfang, "Go upstairs quickly. It's too cold. Don't let your son get frozen."
After saying that, I hung up the phone without waiting for Zhang Fangfang to say goodbye. I was afraid that she would hear me crying.
That night, my mood reached its lowest point.
At about 12 o'clock in the evening, she sent me a message: Are you busy today? I haven't seen you talk for a long time.
I replied: Today is my son’s birthday.
She: Happy birthday to your son! Go and spend time with your son, and we'll talk tomorrow.
Me: My son and I are far apart, so I can only wish him the best silently in my heart.
She: Oh, it’s not easy to work outside. I will miss many opportunities to accompany my children as they grow up.
I hesitated for a moment and replied: It's a long story. His mother and I are divorced, and she is raising the child.
She didn't reply for a long time, and finally replied: Children whose parents are divorced are so pitiful. This original sin in their lives will affect or even ruin their lives!
Then her profile picture turned gray.
I don't know why she suddenly went offline, and I don't know why the word divorce touched her sensitive nerves.
She was offline for the next two days.
In the early morning of the third day, I was sorting the bills in the cashier drawer by denomination and preparing for the handover in advance, when the penguin suddenly beeped twice.
She was the only friend on my Penguin, so I naturally judged the message she sent me.
I quickly opened the dialog box.
She: Have you missed me these two days?
Me: I can’t really say I miss anything, but I always feel like something is wrong and I feel empty inside.
She: (happy) You are so good at talking in a roundabout way. Just say what you think. Don't try to hide the truth. (angry)