"Once upon a time, Zhuang Zhou dreamed he was a butterfly, flitting about like a butterfly. He thought he was content, not realizing he was Zhuang Zhou. Suddenly, he woke up and found himself Zhuang Zhou. He could not tell whether he dreamed he was a butterfly, or the butterfly dreamed he was Zhuang Zhou..." (Zhuangzi, Equality of Things)
I don’t know whether I am awake or dreaming, whether I am reading someone else’s story or revisiting my own experience—
I saw the long-haired woman holding her college acceptance letter and sitting happily with her family.
I saw her sitting on the sheets, holding a sad romance novel in her hands, crying bitterly and frantically looking for her phone.
Then there was a sudden flash of light and the scene changed.
I saw her pick up the porcelain bottle, lick the corner of her lips and look at it carefully.
I saw her intoxicated look as she bit the peach blossom cake with cookie crumbs on the corners of her mouth.
I saw her proud look as she pulled the thin string to send the eagle into the sky.
I saw her leap into the icy water without hesitation, then grit her teeth and drag another frail woman ashore.
…
I also saw many people around her.
The princess with smiling eyes, jumping around and making delicious pastries.
The imperial physician who was as gentle as jade, dressed in white, and who finally clinked teacups with each other and headed off to the battlefield.
The humble, respectful, meticulous and careful maid Xiao Cui who had been slapped for her.
Xiaotao, the clever, cunning maid who never says idioms correctly.
The Queen Hua, who was dressed in gorgeous and luxurious clothes and acted impulsively and rudely.
The graceful, gentle, respectful, frugal and modest Concubine Liu De.
That talented woman Wang who was hiding under the shade of a tree, crying softly, leaning against the willow tree in the weak wind.
The Empress Dowager who has a kind face and acts decisively.
The princess from the neighboring country who was as brave as a man and cut off her braids.
That cheerful and suave Prince Yu.
…
There are also people who are connected by blood and relatives.
Mu Anguo, who had a blazing gaze, was in high spirits and debated with scholars in the court.
That virtuous, dignified, kind, approachable, strong and gentle Zhuang.
Mu Chenfeng, the smooth-talking man who is well versed in business.
…
As you take a quick look, thousands of lights and shadows emerge; joy, anger, sorrow, happiness, love, hate, anger and ignorance are all revealed.
There was also the maid who wanted to stab me to death with a dagger, the guards who left the palace with me, and the eunuch who was hesitant to speak for several times... Countless fragments of scenes were pieced together in my head, and countless waves of memories were rolling in my mind.
Who else? Who else?
There was also a young man in red clothes riding a horse with a candied haws in his hand, and he asked me with a smile if I wanted to travel around the world with him.
He said that because of me he finally dared to look up at the starry sky again, and he said he wanted me to remember how handsome he looked in silver armor.
He said to me softly: I think it is a blessing in life to be remembered by warm and kind people.
…
And who's left at the end?
A large piece of my memory is still missing, and the most surging wave is missing in my turbulent mind.
And him.
Wearing a bright yellow robe, he is the emperor sitting on the dragon throne, looking down on the world, reading books for the people and judging people with his pen.
Wearing a light green robe, he is an elegant nobleman stepping out of a BMW car, fanning himself in the spring breeze and looking at the deep autumn with a smile.
He stayed with me in front of the flowers, walked with me on the streets, listened to jokes with me, and slept with me on the same pillow.
He called me, "Shuang'er."
He said that if it weren't for me, his life would have been like this.
…
"Wake up, don't sleep anymore."
"I don't dare wake up."
The beautiful girls within the palace walls, the rouge and powder in the three palaces and six courtyards.
A young brother sleeping in the mud, and a retired father lying sick in bed.
The situation in the court is treacherous and the times are changing rapidly.
…
I don't want to be a vine that can only cling to the swing, and I don't want to be a burden that makes him move forward.
Also, I don’t know how much magic the black and white words have, and whether everything will eventually get back on track.
…
"Wake up."
"How can you see the light if you hide in the darkness? How can you touch the truth if you hide in illusion?"
"How will you know if you don't try?"
"It's better to give it a try than never to give it a try."
……!
*
I woke up, the dazzling white light reflected the heavy snow outside the window, and I couldn't help but close my eyes again.
"Young Master! Young Master! Young Master is awake!" A cry of surprise seemed to lift the eaves off the roof: "Xiao Cui! Look! Young Master has opened her eyes! Imperial Physician! Your Majesty! Xiao Cui!"
I couldn't help but smile at the familiar incoherent, excited girl's voice: "Yeah, I'm awake."
It was as ordinary as every morning when I woke up.
"What time is it now?" I sat up and asked softly.
"Yeah, yeah," Xiao Tao still looked surprised and incredulous: "Wei Shi, Wei Shi 3:15, right?"
I smiled and shook my head: "I'm asking about the date."
"February, the end of February, right?" Xiao Tao suddenly burst into tears. "My dear, do you know how long you've slept? How long! Xiao Cui and I look forward to the next day every day, but you're still sleeping every next day!"
The end of February, is it the end of February?!
I quickly grabbed Xiaotao's hand and asked, "Where's Song Yu? Is Song Yu back?"
"Yeah! Prince Yu just happened to come back yesterday!" Xiao Tao suddenly seemed to remember something: "Prince Yu came back and looked for you!"
As soon as Song Yu came back, news of his serious illness spread, so Song Heng sent him to the border to recuperate. But in fact, Song Yu had been hiding in the capital with his troops, waiting for the second day of March when Prime Minister Hua would fall ill and catch him in the trap.
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