After saying this, Chen Youhan stood up and looked at Ye Kai silently, his whole body stiff and tense, at a loss.
Ye Kai turned his head and looked up, with a frightened look in his eyes.
Damp, like moss by a stream in a dark forest.
"If you look at me like that, I'll want to kiss you."
The words were so affectionate, but his expression was totally different. With a cigarette in his mouth and half-closed eyes, he looked a bit arrogant, like a gangster who was flirting with a young girl selling alcohol.
Ye Kai's young body was tense. He couldn't figure out Chen Youhan's thoughts. Was she teasing him?
The ambiguity with Chen Youhan was like a super-high-speed train. The scenery on both sides was extremely beautiful, but he knew that there was a cliff ahead and the track was wrong. He would either fall from a high altitude or be smashed to pieces.
Did Chen Youhan see through those ambiguous words and actions that were full of ambiguity? So he was making fun of him?
Chen Youhan laughed and said lazily: "I was just talking nonsense, I was lying to you, I was just teasing you."
Why does it sound so familiar? Ye Kai was suspicious, then suddenly realized something, and choked in his chest: "Chen Youhan! Why are you imitating me!"
Chen Youhan put one hand on his shoulder, lowered his head and smiled, unable to hold the cigarette between his fingertips: "Does it feel good to be teased?"
Look at this person who will take revenge for any slight. Ye Kai felt wronged, thinking that this is different. If you don't like me, of course I can flirt with you. If I like you and you still flirt with me, you are breaking the law. But Chen Youhan doesn't know that she likes him - it's a mess. He lowered his eyes, and his heartbeat that had stalled just now had not yet slowed down, but it was unfairly added with a sense of loss and discomfort.
"It's uncomfortable, isn't it?" Chen Youhan held his chin. Rather than being frivolous, it's more domineering. He looked at Ye Kai in the moonlight, gritted his teeth and glared at him angrily. He curled his lips and gently brushed his lips with his fingertips: "I told you that if you look at me like this again, I'll kiss you——"
He tilted his head slightly and lowered it, with his lips only 0.01 millimeter away from the leaves.
His eyes suddenly widened.
What was this feeling? It was completely different from when he accidentally kissed Chen Youhan. His blood pressure rose, his breathing became lighter, and his heartbeat went out of control. It was as if an uncontrollable force was rushing through his blood, causing him to lack oxygen in his brain.
Chen Youhan naturally lowered his eyes, and in front of him was only a pair of petal-like lips, slightly open, as if naturally waiting for him to kiss them. However, he just curled the corners of his lips slightly and stood up, looked at him, and whispered softly: "Go take a shower and put on your clothes."
Ye Kai walked away feeling lost, then turned back, his heart pounding. Chen Youhan raised his index finger to silence him, and smiled nonchalantly: "Just kidding."
The recliners were removed and replaced with orange leather single-seat armchairs. On the side table were fruit plates and desserts and a pot of Ceylon black tea. The Wedgwood porcelain was exquisite and gorgeous, and the fragrance of tea was ethereal and rich in the middle of the night. Ye Kai drank a cup, which was scalding hot, but he seemed to have a premonition of something and still felt cold. The infinity pool was rippling slightly in the moonlight. On the beach in the distance, it seemed that two people were walking. The coconut trees were rustling in the wind, and suddenly there was a loud noise, the sound of green coconuts falling into the sand pit.
Chen Youhan looked at him, with a vague and soft heartache in his heart. Ye Kai repeatedly tested him to see clearly. He was like a person standing alone in the wilderness, calling Chen Youhan's name in vain and hopelessness. He heard and saw it, and if he could, he really wanted to respond to him loudly, telling him that I am here, and I am the same as you. But Ye Kai is so young, his response may not be appropriate. If he waits too long, other people may pass by in the wilderness, and they will take his hand and take him to another place where spring is warm and flowers are blooming. There will be blessings from family and relatives and friends, flowers, church banquets and applause. There is nothing in the wilderness, only complete carnival, or complete loneliness.
He flicked out a cigarette skillfully, lit it up, took a sip, and asked Ye Kai: "Xiao Kai, does homosexuality scare you?"
“…I’m not afraid.” Ye Kai lowered his head and looked at the delicate gold line pattern on the rim of the cup.
"When I found out I was gay, I was a little younger than you are now." Chen Youhan flicked off the ash from his cigarette.
"Is it the classmate I mentioned last time?"
"No, it's desire." Chen Youhan smiled expressionlessly: "Nothing is more direct than this."
"But you also had a girlfriend..."
"They are not girlfriends - of course they are not boyfriends either." Chen Youhan laughed at himself: "Some gays are okay with women, but they may prefer men a little more."
Ye Kai secretly thought, which type am I? I have no desire for others, and I don't have any girls I like.
“Once I found out I was gay, I came out immediately.”
“——Ah?” Ye Kai was confused and didn’t know why Chen Youhan did this.
"You seemed to have just turned one year old at that time." Chen Youhan couldn't help laughing, "When I came to see you, the bruises on the corners of your mouth hadn't disappeared yet, and you even poked me."
"You still want to come to see me with your bruised face?"
"What do you mean by ability to grasp the key points?" Chen Youhan said helplessly, "It was your first birthday party. To be honest, I was beaten for more than a year after I came out. You don't know how hard Chen Fei beats people. I broke my shin bone because of his kick."
Ye Kai: “…”
"The hardest thing for homosexuals is not to accept themselves, but to be accepted by others—" Chen Youhan looked at Ye Kai. In the misty white smoke, his eyebrows were deep and gentle. White moths followed the light to find the chandelier, fluttering around and flying, making a sound of collision. "Especially in a circle like ours. It's okay to play with men, but it's not okay to really like men."
Ye Kai seemed to have anticipated what he was going to say, and his voice became tense: "So will you get married?"
"Maybe." Chen Youhan said frankly, "If I don't have someone I like, I will get married. A marriage of convenience, a political marriage, from Hong Kong, from the mainland, whatever, Chen Fei will choose." He paused, his voice lowered, "But I don't want to get married now."
Ye Kai felt cold and drank another cup of tea unconsciously. His body couldn't help but shiver. His hands and feet were very cold, especially his feet. He adjusted his sitting position, sitting cross-legged, and the inner thighs touched the soles of his feet, and then he realized that they were cold.
"After coming out, Chen Feiyi and I became a joke. The social atmosphere at that time was not as good as it is now, especially in G Province. People like me were even more rebellious. According to the old law, I would have to be punished. My mother passed away early, and the old man never remarried. I like men, and people said behind my back that I had done something immoral and wanted to make him childless." Chen Youhan couldn't help laughing. "During that time, I always felt that either Chen Feiyi would beat me to death or he would be angered to death by me. Thank goodness that he is still in good health."
Ye Kai had never heard of such a thing. Ever since he was old enough to understand, he knew that Chen Youhan had both boyfriends and girlfriends, and that they would change at any time. He never felt that liking a boy was wrong since he was very young. Because he was young, he thought it was natural. Later, when he matured and became really sensible, he realized that it was wrong, or marginal and niche. But Chen Youhan looked so comfortable. He was full of vigor and integrity, and he looked like a star wherever he went. The people who pointed fingers at him behind his back became maggots in the gutter, exuding a disgusting smell of mold.
"Don't talk about me." Chen Youhan took a sip of tea, bitter. This tea is used to go with desserts. Without sweetness, only bitterness remains, from beginning to end. He asked casually: "You will be a sophomore in high school when school starts. Have you thought about what you want to do in the future?"
"My grandfather asked me to study financial management, and in the future..." Ye Kai paused, his face slowly turning pale under the light.
Chen Youhan pretended not to see anything, smiled, and teased calmly: "I met Ye Jin once, and she said that you are the perfect heir trained by the Ye family."
Ye Kai hurriedly lowered his head to drink the tea. It was such a small cup that it had already gone cold.
“I’m not perfect…”
"Is it because you like that sister?" Chen Youhan said calmly.
Ye Kai nodded slowly.
"Liking my sister is similar to how I came out to be gay." Chen Youhan said lightly, "Both are extremely rebellious."
Ye Kai was speechless for a moment. He thought, this is more than treason, you only have your legs broken, but I might be beaten to death.
"If you could choose, how would you like to be with your sister?" Chen Youhan lowered his head and lit a new cigarette, took a long sigh, and said casually, "Do you want to be together regardless of everything, or do you like her just enough and then part ways amicably when the time comes?"
"It's impossible for him and I." Ye Kai said quickly, "Neither his family nor my family is possible."
I don't know why, but after he said this, he saw Chen Youhan froze for a moment, not daring to look at him. After a long while, Chen Youhan held the cigarette between his legs and nodded very slowly: "I understand."
"Brother Youhan, you asked me this question last time. I thought about it a lot in America. You're right, I shouldn't let him know, otherwise he would be troubled. But I can't help it. How can I resist liking someone? I like him more and more. Sometimes I would rather he tell me that he has decided to be serious with someone. But just thinking about it makes me breathless." Ye Kai smiled, "You won't laugh at me, will you?"
"No." Chen Youhan finally raised her head and looked at him. In fact, there was no expression on his face, but his eyes were gentler than any other expression, a gentleness that directly overflowed from his heart.
He said: "I am just like you. How can I resist liking someone?"
Ye Kai pursed his lips and said, "That sister is also very mature." He glanced at Chen Youhan and added, "As mature as you. He should understand the impossibility between us better than I do. If he were to choose, he would make the same choice."
His tone was relaxed and innocent. Under the moonlight, he was just a boy who was simply troubled by not getting a response from the person he liked. He was very different from Chen Youhan.
Something in Chen Youhan's heart slowly fell to the ground, as if he was relieved of a heavy burden, but that thing was too heavy, and it made a huge echo when it landed. There was a buzzing ringing in his ears. He leaned over to take a look. Why, when did such a big hole sink? The wilderness disappeared, and the wind and people in the wilderness were gone. Ye Kai was no longer in the wilderness, and he was the only one left in the wilderness.
Ye Kai is purer than him.
His pain, his confusion, his happiness and impulse, all come from love. He is happy if he gets a response, and painful if he doesn't. He dreamed of him because he likes him, and he came back from the United States because he likes him. He had nightmares because he likes him too much. He kissed him secretly, hinted at him in every possible way, and touched him because he likes him too much. His tears and crying are all because he likes him too much. He likes Chen Youhan very, very much, but in his future of inheriting the Ye family, there is no figure of Chen Youhan.
He doesn't want a future.
Chen Youhan put out his cigarette.
He thinks too much.
Maybe it's because he's getting old, he thought, why is his love so greedy.
I started to think too much and became indecisive.
"That's enough, let's part ways amicably," he confirmed again, "right?"
Ye Kai put down the cup, and the cup and tray collided, with the unique crisp sound of high-grade porcelain. He didn't know why Chen Youhan was so concerned about his relationship with that sister, but he would never tell him that the sister was him. He stretched slightly and said jokingly, "I don't want to have my legs broken like you."
Chen Youhan curled the corners of his lips silently: "You're right, I wasn't as smart as you back then, I didn't know that I could hide these things and secretly like them."
"You are not as smart as me now." Ye Kai said.
"Yeah." Chen Youhan replied.
"I have hidden all the secrets very well." Ye Kai continued.
Chen Youhan couldn't help but smile and raised his hand to pinch the back of his neck; "You hid it very well."
"Do you want to know?"
Chen Youhan rubbed the top of his head and pressed it down. Ye Kai lowered his head and heard Chen Youhan say, "I don't want to know." After a pause, he said, "As long as you are happy."
He looked up and saw Chen Youhan, holding a cigarette, walking into the brightly lit living room in the night and turning off all the lights. The entire suite fell into darkness, whoosh—whoosh—
The only sound in my ears was the sound of the waves. The moonlight was floating on the water. Nothing was different from before.
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