With a look of light in his eyes, Ye Kai immediately regained consciousness and stood up abruptly. Because of the alcohol, he seemed to be unsteady on his feet and felt a surge of blood pressure rushing to his head.
"What did you say? Grandpa——"
"He knows." Chen Youhan also stood up and looked at him solemnly. There was endless tenderness in his eyes, and they were as light as water...Ye Kai felt that he was too drunk. He actually saw sadness in Chen Youhan's eyes.
"He's fine," Chen Youhan paused, with almost no trace of emotion in his tone, "If Lucas is really good enough to you, grandpa will agree. ... You don't have to worry about it anymore."
His vision quickly blurred. Ye Kai clenched his teeth and pushed Chen Youhan hard: "Why do you mind my business? If anything happens to Grandpa, can you afford it?!"
He was drunk, and his tone was fierce, but he had no strength in his body. Chen Youhan didn't let him push her away. Instead, she grabbed his wrist and said in a low voice, "I'm sorry, you're right, I crossed the line. There won't be a next time."
Ye Kai held his hand, and his trembling palm was pressed against his heart. Through the thick jacket, he could hardly feel Chen Youhan's slow and heavy heartbeat.
"Xiao Kai, I apologize to you for everything that happened in the past. I know that the word "sorry" is too light, but as of today, apart from these three words, I have nothing else to give you." Chen Youhan ignored his struggle and pulled his wrist very hard. Under the night sky, his face was shrouded in the shadow of the moonlight, leaving Ye Kai with only a vague silence that he could not see clearly no matter how wide he opened his eyes. "What I said to you two years ago cannot be undone. I couldn't see my own heart clearly at the time, and I couldn't see how important you were to me. I brought you so much pain, and you are unwilling to forgive me and give me a chance today. I deserve it."
Chen Youhan lowered his head, and the light in his eyes fell completely into darkness.
"Although I still want to look at you, the only meaning of me to you is probably only pain. I understand."
He moved his palm upwards and finally touched Ye Kai's hand which was as cold as ice. He held it carefully and solemnly. He looked at Ye Kai and said slowly, "I have loved you, and you have loved me. I am satisfied."
Ye Kai opened his eyes wide.
He saw Chen Youhan let go of his hand and took a step back: "Brother Youhan will never make you suffer again. Be well."
His hands dropped empty. A wind from somewhere in the field passed between the two of them, carrying petals and grass foam wet by dew, and finally disappeared among the mountains.
Chen Youhan lit a cigarette and leaned over to pick up the empty bottle: "Let's go back. It's late."
When he came, he was looking at Ye Kai's back, and when he left, Ye Kai was looking at him instead.
A few steps behind, under the dim stars and moon, Ye Kai belatedly wondered how Chen Youhan had lost so much weight.
The glass bottle occasionally bumped against each other with each step, making a ding sound. Ye Kai didn't know how heavy his steps were, and his eyes were fixed on Chen Youhan's thin back. Suddenly, he tripped over a tangled grass root, stumbled a step, and was held steady by Chen Youhan.
"Watch the road carefully when you walk, and don't fall again." Chen Youhan helped him stand firmly, and then withdrew his strong arm.
"You're already 20 years old in the blink of an eye. I don't know why, but when I think of you, you still look like 17 or 18 years old. Are you 5 feet 4 inches tall?"
Ye Kai said, "1.81 meters."
Chen Youhan smiled and said, "I'm old."
Ye Kai moved his lips. If he refuted at this time, Brother Youhan would definitely feel better. But he didn't say anything.
"When I'm done, can you add me back on WeChat?" Chen Youhan's voice rose and fell with his breath. He must not be used to such a high altitude.
Ye Kai nodded, "Now is the time."
"Not now."
Chen Youhan suddenly stopped talking here. For some reason, he looked up at the crescent moon that was about to rise to the middle of the sky. The cigarette in the corner of his mouth was almost burned out, and he barely took a puff. Ye Kai also stopped, just for a second or two, Chen Youhan withdrew his gaze from the night sky, and moved forward again, saying lightly: "You have grown up, and there has not been a single year that I have not been with you completely. Suddenly there has been no news for two years, I will make up for it later through your circle of friends."
Ye Kai thought that he had rarely posted on WeChat Moments in the past two years.
"Lucas isn't young anymore, is he?" Chen Youhan asked calmly.
Ye Kai couldn't remember how old he was, or maybe he had said so, but he didn't take it to heart. He responded and said vaguely, "Early 30s."
Chen Youhan smiled: "I can now completely understand Ye Jin and Qu Jia's feelings. You have to be careful when dating a man of this age. Leave some room for everything and don't be so serious so quickly..." I don't know what he thought of. He paused, smiled, and apologized in a hoarse voice: "I'm sorry, I have been nosy again without realizing it. You are very smart and you don't need me to worry about you."
His heart felt sore and swollen. Ye Kai looked at Chen Youhan's back blankly, and gradually found it difficult to breathe.
Zhaxi’s small courtyard and stone house were just ahead, and in the moonlight, they looked like silver.
Ye Kai stumbled again, his knees dug into the mud, and his palms, which had not yet fully healed, were scratched again.
Chen Youhan looked back at him helplessly, pulled him up, and leaned over to help him brush off the dirt and grass foam on his trouser legs.
Ye Kai patted his hands clean. The inside of his palms was burning with pain, and he wondered if there were any bleeding marks. He looked at the lines on his palms and remembered Lucas's old-fashioned tricks. He grabbed Chen Youhan's sleeve and said, "I know how to read palms now."
Chen Youhan was silent for a moment, then curled his lips and said, "Maybe some other time."
Drunk people tend to be stubborn. Ye Kai didn't let go and said, "I'll help you take a look. I really can."
Chen Youhan stretched out his right hand.
Ye Kai shook his head: "Men's left, women's right, it depends on the left hand."
Chen Youhan raised the bottle and said, "It's not convenient. I'll show you tomorrow."
His head was dizzy, as if there was really no way out. He carefully pulled the corner of Chen Youhan's clothes: "I don't want to fall again."
If Chen Youhan came over and held his hand, he probably wouldn't push it away even though he was so drunk. But Chen Youhan didn't. The only good thing was that he didn't reject Ye Kai either. Ye Kai just held the corner of his gray jacket and walked the last few meters with one foot deep and one foot shallow.
As expected, Zhaxi had left the door open for them. The animals fell into a deep sleep, and a small night light hung in the cracks of the bricks and stones of the stairs. Chen Youhan turned on the flashlight on his mobile phone, and the yak mooed. The air was filled with a strong smell of livestock and feces. In this inappropriate occasion, he remembered the purpose of Ye Kai's visit here, and whispered, "I'll have someone send the information about the charity fund to your email later."
Then there was no more talk. The stove on the second floor went out, leaving a dark and cold stove. Going up to the third floor, I heard Ram mumbling softly in his sleep, and the adults turned over and the bed made a noise. Going to the fourth floor, they said goodbye in front of the small living room. Chen Youhan turned off the flashlight. The faint light spread in from the glass window, like a silver frost on the ground. In this silver frost, Chen Youhan and Ye Kai said goodbye: "Good night."
Ye Kai said a little stutteringly: "Bathroom..."
"You go first."
Chen Youhan turned around and went into the house. The door was closed, and the dim light inside was blocked out of Ye Kai's sight.
He washed his face and brushed his teeth very slowly. The water from the solar water heater took a long time to get hot, so he rinsed quickly and shivered uncontrollably when he came out. Chen Youhan was right, he couldn't drink that much, and two kilograms of barley wine was enough to destroy all his sanity. He seemed to have lost something very important tonight. But, he was too drunk, too late, and too sleepy, so he really couldn't remember, no matter how hard he racked his brains, he couldn't remember what he had lost.
After sleeping soundly for who knows how many hours, he was woken up by a series of tiny noises. Ye Kai had a splitting headache and found that it was still dark. He closed his eyes and listened for a while in a half-awake state. It seemed to be the noise in Chen Youhan's room. After a few minutes, the noise moved to the bathroom. Ye Kai was completely awake, put on his down jacket, and walked over quietly in cotton slippers. He leaned against the door frame with sleepy eyes and saw Chen Youhan lying on the washbasin and rinsing his mouth with cold water.
"Brother Youhan?"
The sound of water stopped. Chen Youhan turned off the faucet and half raised her head to look at him.
"I woke you up."
The voice was completely hoarse.
Ye Kai noticed that his face was very wet. He didn't know if it was water or... No, of course it was water. How could he sweat in such a cold weather? Besides, he was wearing a tight short-sleeved shirt. Ye Kai shook his head sleepily: "What's wrong with you?"
Chen Youhan stood up and said, "It's okay. I drank too much and threw up." After wiping his hands, he walked past him and walked out the door: "Go to bed."
The moment we passed each other, I realized that his lips were bloodless and there was blue stubble on his chin.
Ye Kai stood up straight, clenched his hands in his pockets, and said clearly: "I'll go see if there is any hot water for you."
Before Chen Youhan could say no, he turned and went downstairs.
He didn't want to wake up Zhaxi's family, so he deliberately slowed down his steps. Then he remembered that there was still half a pot of hot water in his room. It was still boiling hot when he poured it out before going to bed, so it should be hot now. He held the handrail again and ran upstairs on tiptoe.
Chen Youhan sat in the corner with his knees bent, his hands covering his stomach and his head lowered deeply.
Ye Kai stopped and was a little scared: "Brother Youhan?"
Chen Youhan raised his head and smiled lightly: "Don't look for hot water, go to my bedroom and see if there are any painkillers."
Ye Kai ran in like a gust of wind and dumped everything in his backpack onto the table.
"I just looked for it, maybe..." Chen Youhan frowned unexpectedly, took a breath and continued: "Maybe it fell into a corner somewhere."
Ye Kai flipped through the pages randomly, and for some reason, a panic surged from the bottom of his heart: "I'm sorry I shouldn't have dragged you to drink..."
"Don't worry, it's not that painful, just take your time to find it."
Ye Kai blinked vigorously, said "hmm", rummaged through the desk, and ran to look through the closet. It was filled with Doji's folded quilts and bedding, as well as long, intricately structured Tibetan robes. Chen Youhan's clothes were hanging on the corner, and there was no light in the closet, so he could only search in the dark. Sweat broke out on his forehead in the cold night. He turned around and looked at Chen Youhan, and found that he had been burying his head, and his arms seemed to be very strong. Ye Kai felt like he had stepped on empty air - what happened to Brother Youhan? He was not afraid of pain... His hand finally groped for a small round bottle -
His eyes lit up - "Found it! Is this it?"
Chen Youhan raised his head and leaned it against the wall, "Well, you are still the best."
Ye Kai found his thermos cup, which was empty, and immediately ran into his room to pour hot water, then unscrewed the medicine bottle and put it in Chen Youhan's hand. He didn't see how many tablets Chen Youhan poured, but he tilted his head back and stuffed them all into his mouth, swallowing them with difficulty with the slightly hot water.
Ye Kai squatted in front of him, annoyed: "How stupid, I should have poured you some water earlier."
Chen Youhan smiled and said, "Don't talk like I'm going to die."
He took two deep breaths, bit his back teeth and stood up with the help of the wall, and said calmly, "Thank you for saving my life. I don't have time to repay you in this life. Maybe in the next life."
Ye Kai watched him move to the bedside, his feet moved a little, and his body moved forward to support him before his consciousness. Only then did he realize that Chen Youhan was cold all over, and his muscles were tense and strained with pain.
Chen Youhan's bed was completely cold. Because it was summer, Duoji didn't prepare an electric blanket. He lifted the quilt and helped Chen Youhan lie down, then pulled his hand away from his cold arm and gently hugged him again.
Chen Youhan opened his eyes wide and his whole body became completely stiff.
"You don't need to do this, Xiao Kai." He gently but firmly pushed Ye Kai away: "It won't be cold in a moment."
Ye Kai sat blankly beside the bed, watching Chen Youhan lie down slowly, and then he helped him cover the quilt and tucked in the corners as if waking up from a dream: "You go to sleep, I'll wait until you fall asleep before leaving."
"It's just a stomach cramp, why are you panicking?" Chen Youhan raised the corner of his lips in a soothing tone, "It won't kill you."
"What nonsense!" Ye Kai finally got angry - really angry. You can't drink alcohol when you first arrive at the plateau. Is he an idiot to drag Chen Youhan to seek death in the middle of the night?
Chen Youhan surrendered weakly: "Okay, okay, I won't say anything."
Ye Kai ordered: "Close your eyes."
Chen Youhan closed his eyes obediently.
The lights went out. Ye turned off the lights and sat back down on the bed.
His eyes followed the moonlight and deep blue sky outside the window, lingering on his thin and pale eyelids. Three minutes, five minutes, or perhaps ten minutes, under Ye Kai's gaze, Chen Youhan's breathing finally calmed down, long and steady, and he really fell asleep. Ye Kai touched his forehead with the back of his hand, and it was warm and cool. He reached in from the edge of the quilt and touched Chen Youhan's left hand. He squeezed his palm, and it was still very cold. But why... is there an uneven undulation on the palm? He took out Chen Youhan's left hand and gently spread out the slightly curled five fingers. In the dim light of the night light, he saw an irregular round scar lying in his pale and broad palm.
Chen Youhan has a scar on the palm of his left hand, but he never knew about it in the past.
Ye Kai racked his brains but could not think of any scar of this shape, and how could it be left on the palm of his hand?
Chen Youhan was still shaking. It was an uncontrollable tremor in his sleep. His tall body curled up on the bed with his knees bent. Ye Kai closed his eyes painfully, tilted his neck and took a deep breath. The tears he had been holding back all night slid down from the corners of his eyes and quickly sank into his temples. He took off his coat, his underwear, and got into Chen Youhan's arms. There was a smell of ghee in the room, but Chen Youhan's breath was still so distinct and pleasant. The moment he got close to her, he was overwhelmed by the memory of his absurd and passionate eighteen years old.
And at that time, Chen Youhan was just like he is now, hugging him, tightening his arms, and using all his strength.
When he woke up the next day, his arms were empty. The quilt was warm, and the sun was shining brightly outside the window, making the coldness of last night seem so unbelievable. He stretched out his bare arms, and the small piece of air was warmed by the sun. He sat up slowly, and his temples were buzzing with pain - the sequelae of a hangover. The room was very tidy, unexpectedly tidy, so tidy that it was almost wrong - his hazy eyes suddenly cleared up, and Chen Youhan's luggage was gone.
He lifted the quilt and put on his coat. At a glance, the backpack, iPad, hanging clothes, the file bag containing engineering drawings, wallet, outdoor boots - painkillers, everything disappeared, cleanly.
It turns out that what he said last night, "I'll leave tomorrow", was not drunken talk.
There was a piece of paper folded in half on the clean desk, with a cup of cold tea on top.
Ye Kai's hands were shaking a little when he picked it up.
Xiao Kai:
Good news.
I wanted to find a better-looking and more formal piece of stationery to write to you, but Doji searched for more than ten minutes and couldn't find anything decent.
What else have I left to say? Sitting at my desk with my pen in hand, I feel like I can write 100,000 words, yet I don’t even have the right to write a single word.
When I woke up in the morning and found you lying in my arms, I thought that some mountain god heard my prayer and took me back to two years ago. If you keep expecting, miracles will always happen. Just like the first night I came here after trekking through mountains and rivers, I prayed, but I never dared to hope that we could meet here. So, when can I go back to the past? Please help me say to the 18-year-old Xiao Kai, I love you. Don't listen to or believe any word that the man said that hurt you. Always be happy, always believe in love, he can solve everything in the future.
Or, if you go back to an earlier time and meet the sixteen-year-old Xiao Kai, then tell him that Chen Youhan is not worth it at all, let go of those secret crushes, your love for him, those are just adolescent illusions.
Having written this far, I finally realized my greed. If I could, I would go back to an earlier time. I would still take you to Disneyland. When you lost your colored string on Dragon Boat Festival, I would hold your hand and look for it all over the mountain road of Siyuan Road. But I would never take you to eat ice cream that afternoon. You would not see so many strange breakups, so many indecent and undignified scenes. You would grow up properly and be as good as you are now. More importantly, you would find a girl you like very much and who also likes you very much, and you would be together innocently. You would not be hurt in any way. Who would be willing to hurt you? You are the proudest, most beautiful, and most loved little prince, and you have grown up in many loves all your life. Of course, I would be one of those loves. Really like a brother.
Xiaokai, for the past thirty-six years, my life has been smooth sailing. Although there have been twists and turns occasionally, it has always been under my control.
At this point in my life, there are only a few things I can't do anything about.
One was when my mother passed away when I was eight years old.
One thing was allowing myself to fall hopelessly in love with you at the age of thirty-two.
Another thing is that I lost you completely when I was thirty-four.
We have been together for more than a year, and many memories are still vivid. I lingered for two years before I finally recognized the fact that I had lost you. You are right, I am no longer qualified. I have tried a lot in the past two years, trying to forget you and wish you the best. I think the rear-end collision was a punishment for me and a disaster for you. I saw your unrest when we met again. At first, I thought it was your remaining love for me, and I thought I still had a chance. Later, I realized that it was your hatred for me.
Xiaokai, don't hate me. Just like you said, let it go completely. Hatred will hinder love. Once you get through this, you will be surrounded by flowers from now on.
Seeing you so determined and clear-headed, I finally feel relieved.
Life is long, you are only 20 years old, there are still many possibilities and many landscapes. Remember what I said, don't stop for anyone, just keep moving forward.
I don't know if Lucas can heal you with enough love, but if he doesn't, there will be someone else. There will be someone who loves you as much as I did at the beginning, but he will be more determined than me, more capable of protecting you than me, and will never let go of your hand again.
Doji called me downstairs to have breakfast, so I’ll stop writing here.
You are sleeping very deeply, I really want to kiss you, but you already have a boyfriend, I shouldn't take advantage of you. From now on, someone else will accompany you in the morning instead of me. You have to love him for 16 years to reach my age. Thinking about it this way, I am really old.
Don't be stubborn and drink less in the future.
When I saw you sleeping peacefully with your eyes closed, I don’t know why, the overwhelming jealousy in my heart calmed down.
As long as you are happy.
Other:
Thank you for giving me warmth yesterday. Take it as a reward for my morals not being so corrupt.
Chen Youhan
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