Roots and Shoots
Winter sunlight, filtering through a thin layer of dust on the kitchen windowsill, barely shone onto the dish of clear water and the few stubborn, fresh green leaves within. Lin Xiaoning lightly touched the pale yellow sprouts with her fingers. Beneath the cool touch, she seemed to sense a faint, pulsating vitality. This green sprout, sprouting from a discarded vegetable root, was like a tiny pebble dropped into stagnant water, sending a barely perceptible ripple through the desolate lake of her heart. It wasn't joy, nor was it hope, but rather a subtle, instinctive affirmation—a confirmation that she was still alive, that a cycle continued, even amidst the most devastating ruins.
Thirty-four years old. This number, like an icy scale, clearly marked the precipice of her life. The first half was a struggle to climb and flourish, followed by a crash from a height, shattered to pieces. What about the second half? Was she going to be trapped forever in this eighty-square-meter "cold kiln," spending the rest of her life bit by bit amidst the diagnosis of depression, the crying of her children, the sighs of her parents, and the silent figure of Wang Shumin? She looked at the pale, sunken face in the mirror. The once bright eyes had long since dimmed, leaving only an inextricable exhaustion and confusion. No. A faint voice was struggling in her heart, like the sprouts from the roots of a cabbage, weak, but stubborn. She had to do something. She had to... survive. Not for anyone, but just for herself, for this still young, yet already riddled body, to find a gap to breathe.
The first step was to walk out that door. Not wearing a mask and a hat, pushing Lele to a deserted park for some fresh air, but truly, as "Lin Xiaoning," re-entering a society once familiar but now filled with unknown fears. She opened her long-dusted laptop, connected to the internet, and began browsing job websites. A dazzling array of positions popped up on the screen, from high-sounding "Strategy Director" and "Investment Manager" to the most basic "Clerk" and "Customer Service." Her mouse hovered over the positions that once matched her resume, but her fingertips felt cold. Those titles and job descriptions seemed from another time and place, separated from her by a thick layer of frosted glass called "the past." She even clicked on some so-called "entrepreneurship project franchises," such as community group buying and short video live streaming. Looking at those exciting slogans, she felt only a sense of emptiness and alienation. These things were incompatible with her innate appreciation for logic and depth, instilled in her by Zhao Xianqi.
Finally, her sights fell on positions related to "law firms." This was an area she was relatively familiar with, with her connection to Zhao Xianqi, as well as her own affinity for rules and regulations. Perhaps, there was a place for her here? She screened several smaller law firms with seemingly less aggressive atmospheres, and carefully revised her resume—she hid the disgraceful positions she had held in the last few years of Changqing Chemical, and only highlighted her early experience as a legal and public relations manager, as well as several compliance projects she had led. The moment she submitted her resume, she felt like she was taking a huge gamble, a gamble that the other party would not delve into her cliff-like career gap, and a gamble that her remaining value would still be recognized by the market.
The response came faster and more enthusiastically than she had expected. The director of a mid-sized law firm called personally, his tone brimming with enthusiasm. After briefly asking about her past experience (which she evaded), he eagerly arranged an interview. The interview went surprisingly smoothly. The director was an energetic man in his forties, with a slicked-back hair and an expensive watch. He barely scrutinized her resume, his gaze fixed on her face with undisguised admiration and assessment.
"Ms. Lin is truly both talented and beautiful!" the director smiled, tapping his fingers lightly on the table. "Your background is fantastic! We're in need of someone like you who has both legal awareness and business communication skills, and…" He paused, then smiled meaningfully, "someone with such an outstanding image and temperament. Many of our clients, especially corporate clients, need someone like you who can represent the firm's professional image and is an elite communicator."
He made the decision on the spot, skipping the probation period and offering her the title of "Senior Project Consultant." The salary exceeded her expectations. At that moment, a flicker of unease crossed Lin Xiaoning's heart, but it was quickly overcome by a long-lost feeling of being needed. Perhaps, she could truly start over? Perhaps, the world wasn't as bad as she'd imagined?
However, this illusory comfort quickly dissipated after she actually started working. Her job was more like "senior public relations" than "project consultant." The first client the director took her to meet was the owner of a real estate company involved in a contract dispute. The dinner was held in a secluded high-end club. The director asked her to sit next to the client, and the topic of conversation quickly shifted from the case itself to romance, golf, and various meaningful "circle" cultures. The director kept using his eyes to signal her to toast and liven up the atmosphere, and the owner's hand also "inadvertently" rested on the back of her chair several times, and his words were full of hints.
Lin Xiaoning smiled stiffly and raised her glass mechanically, but her stomach was churning. The scene before her was so similar to the dinner parties she had been forced to attend all those years ago! But back then, she was "Manager Lin" of Changqing Chemical, with Xu Wu's power behind her and a clear purpose of exchanging benefits. But now, she was just a "Consultant Lin" who needed this job to make a living, with a lower profile and less power to resist. She could even clearly read the tacit expectations in the eyes of the director and the client - beauty is a scarce resource, which should be exchanged for case sources, connections or more direct benefits. The "price" of cooperation is self-evident.
She tried to bring the conversation back to the case, citing legal provisions and analyzing the pros and cons. The client simply nodded perfunctorily, his gaze still lingering on her face. The director smoothed things over, saying, "Consultant Lin is just too professional. Let's relax and talk slowly, slowly." She felt suffocated by the objectification of her, a delicate negotiating tool. She seemed to see herself ten years ago, the young woman who, in a similar situation, gradually learned to flatter and ultimately lost herself. History, like a hateful cycle, had once again drawn her into a similar vortex.
What truly broke her was a meeting with opposing counsel. During a break in the meeting, she overheard a conversation between two female lawyers from the opposing firm in a restroom stall.
"Tsk, that new girl from Hengye Law Firm, did you see her? Her name is Lin Xiaoning."
"I saw it. It's quite eye-catching. I heard he used to be a popular employee of Xu Wu at Changqing Chemical, the PR manager. He's quite impressive."
"Oh, how could she not be amazing? Coming from a place like that, who knows how she got to the top? Now Changqing is down and Xu Wu is in jail, but she's fine, she's moved to another place and still relies on that face to make a living. Look at the energy their director had when he brought her out, it's obvious..."
"Shh, keep your voice down... But it's true, women like this have many tricks up their sleeves. We have to be careful and don't fall into their trap."
Those muffled yet clear comments, like poisoned needles, pierced Lin Xiaoning's eardrums, piercing the little courage she had finally gathered. She leaned against the cold cubicle, trembling and pale. It turned out that her "past" had never left her. It was etched firmly on her body like an indelible mark. No matter where she went, no matter how she tried to start over, in the eyes of others, she was still the "Vice President Lin of Changqing Chemical," bound by scandal and unspoken rules. The new life she tried to build was like a castle built on quicksand, the slightest disturbance could cause it to collapse in an instant.
After that day, every time she stepped into the law firm, she felt like countless eyes were fixed on her like searchlights. Every task the director assigned her that required "external coordination," whether it was going to the court to communicate case progress or visiting certain "key figures" to expand case sources, became a torture. She felt like she was split into two people: one forced to put on a brave face and deal with everyone; the other watched coldly, watching herself repeat the same mistakes step by step, even more unbearable than before, because this time, she had no excuses left—she knew exactly what she was doing and why she was doing it.
The symptoms of depression worsened. Insomnia, palpitations, and an inexplicable fear plagued her. She frequently visited the hospital's psychiatry department, forcing her to increase her medication. Doctors advised her to rest, but rest meant losing her income, and the last remaining source of stability for her family. She repeatedly struggled between perseverance and collapse.
Finally, after the director suggested she go out with an important client to "relax" that evening, Lin Xiaoning sat in the director's spacious office for the last time. Sunlight streamed in through the huge floor-to-ceiling windows, but it couldn't warm the chill deep in her heart.
"Director, thank you for your care during this period. This is my resignation letter." She placed a simple letter on the table, her voice calm, but with unquestionable determination.
The director was stunned for a moment, a hint of displeasure flashing across his face, but then he put on a smile again: "Xiao Lin, what's wrong? Are you having any difficulties at work? Or is it a salary issue? We can talk about it later! You are a talented person, and I am very optimistic about you!"
Lin Xiaoning shook his head, his gaze fixed on the gray city skyline outside the window. "No, Director. It's a personal matter. I...can't adapt to the pace and requirements of this job. Sorry."
She ignored the director's instantly darkening expression, nor did she heed his subsequent attempts to persuade her, even slightly threatening: "Think carefully. Jobs are hard to find these days..." She simply stood up, nodded slightly, and turned, leaving the office, which was filled with the aroma of perfume, coffee, and some kind of invisible transaction. Leaving the law firm, the cold air hit her face. She took a deep breath, her lungs aching, yet she felt a sense of relief, almost fainting.
Six months of experimentation felt like a brief, failed attempt to break free. Far from finding a path to a new life, she only saw more clearly the high wall before her: a wall built by her past and certain social norms. She banged her head, bleeding, and returned to her starting point.
Back in her crowded little home, her mother greeted her with concern, asking if her work was going well. She simply shook her head, said "I quit," and went straight into the bedroom, closing the door. From outside, she could hear her mother sigh softly. Lying in bed, she gazed at the tiny cracks in the ceiling, tears streaming silently. It wasn't sadness, but a deep sense of powerlessness. Where was the way forward? Was she really destined to be like a rootless cabbage sprout, relying on a trickle of water to maintain its fragile greenness, never truly taking root in the soil?
Lele's babbling voice could be heard from the outer room, mixed with her father's clumsy teasing. Wang Shumin was on duty tonight and would not be back. The room was very quiet, with only the humming roar of the old refrigerator compressor, regular and dull, just like her heartbeat at the moment. She knew that the sun would still rise tomorrow and life would go on. But where to go next? This question, like a huge rock, weighed heavily on her chest, making her breathless. Could the greenness growing from the roots of the vegetables guide her to find the real soil? She didn't know. She only knew that this time, she was almost exhausted even from trial and error.
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