Chapter 2 What does it feel like to hold hands and hug Meng Suifeng?
Zhu Qing woke up groggily from her dream, tears welling in her stinging eyes. She rubbed her eyes and touched her wet hands. She looked up and stared blankly out the window.
A small courtyard enclosed by a fence contained two vegetable plots, two large locust trees, and a pomegranate tree planted by Zhu Qing's window, its green tips adorned with clusters of fiery red flowers reaching in through the wide-open window.
It was July, the pomegranate flowers had faded, and the fallen bright red petals covered the small table in front of her.
This is not her rented apartment.
She lived in a dirty and chaotic urban village, an old and dilapidated house with no soundproofing. Every day she could hear the sounds of her neighbors opening and closing doors, dogs barking or cats meowing, and even people dancing upstairs in the middle of the night. It was nothing like the quiet and peaceful place she lived in now.
There were no green trees, vegetable gardens, or quiet fenced courtyards in front of them.
Zhu Qing reached out and touched the pomegranate petals by the window, looking somewhat bewildered.
In her past life, after a big fight with her family in the early morning, she was kicked out of her home by her parents and pushed into the village river on a dark rural mountain road, where she drowned.
She tried to climb out, but the man wouldn't let her. He pressed a thick wooden stick against her head.
As soon as they manage to climb out a little, he will push them back down.
The muddy river water kept flowing into her throat, and Zhu Qing choked until her chest ached. She was so choked by the water that she couldn't even cry.
That suffocating feeling of being ice-cold from head to toe, whenever I recall it, makes my internal organs feel like they are being stabbed.
Zhu Qing didn't know who killed her or why.
Zhu Qing had just received her admission letter to the history department's graduate program. If she hadn't been killed, she could have fulfilled her lifelong dream.
The breeze blowing on her face felt real. She wasn't dead. Where had she come from?
'Knock knock—'
A knock sounded behind her, followed by soft, slow footsteps approaching. Zhu Qing turned around and saw a man about eight feet tall, dressed in a light-colored Hu-style robe.
The man brought in the food and placed it on the table in front of Zhu Qing. He said gently, "Your elder brother has already agreed to let you study. Have some food first. After you finish eating, the three of us will personally escort you to your studies."
His voice was as warm as the sunlight streaming through the window. The moment she heard him speak, a flood of memories rushed into Zhu Qing's mind.
It turns out that she had transmigrated before she was killed.
The original body she transmigrated into was named Zhu Qing, who was sixteen years old this year. Her name was much better than her original name, "Aidi".
Zhu Qing was the youngest daughter of an ordinary family in Qingxi Village, outside Chang'an City. Her family was extremely poor, but she had three older brothers who loved her very much. Her eldest brother was already married and had a lovely daughter.
Zhu Qing's parents had three sons in order to have her as their daughter.
But her parents had three daughters in order to have her younger brother.
A family completely different from the one in the previous life.
The man standing before me is my second brother, Zhu Yubo.
The matter that Zhu Yubo mentioned originated from Zhu Qing's desire to study under a strategist in Chang'an City named Feng Huaihe, whose courtesy name was Zhijian.
Feng Huaihe's reputation as a strategist spread throughout the country, and many powerful figures hoped to recruit him to their ranks, leading to fierce competition and a host of treacherous schemes.
Zhu Qing also wanted to become a strategist, but his elder brother said that Feng Huaihe was now assisting Emperor Xizong, and he was considered a member of the court. However, the Tang Dynasty was on the verge of collapse, and if he studied under him at this time, he would also be drawn into the court and would only face death. Therefore, his elder brother forbade Zhu Qing to take the risk.
Knowing that her brothers doted on her, Zhu Qing deliberately went on a hunger strike, insisting on going.
Looking at the food that Uncle Zhu Yu brought, the original owner was right. Zhu Qing had only eaten the first meal, and the brothers were already getting impatient.
Uncle Zhu handed the chopsticks to Zhu Qing, pulled up a low stool and sat down next to her, saying, "Big brother said, if you want to go, go. It may be dangerous, but we will protect you."
As soon as Zhu Yubo sat down, Zhu Qing smelled a faint, bitter medicinal scent emanating from him.
He took out a dagger and placed it on the table. "This is what your third brother just bought at the market. He said the path you've chosen is fraught with danger, so it's for your self-defense. We've also prepared gifts for your studies, including a dark blue inkstone."
"And the writing materials you need for your studies have also been prepared. My elder brother said that he will sell the family's horse to get some money to rent a small courtyard for you in the city. Then you can live in the city with peace of mind, which will reduce the bumpy journey and fatigue, and you will have more energy to learn the skills you want to learn."
Zhu Qing picked up the dagger. The light blue scabbard was intricately patterned and inlaid with sparkling glitter, making it exquisite and beautiful.
It's obviously very valuable, but in my memory, Zhu Qing's home was bare. How much would this dagger cost?
"Qingqing," someone called. Zhu Qing looked up and saw a woman with a headscarf coming in from outside the door. Her eyes were gentle and she had a smile on her lips. She gave people the feeling of a gentle and slow-moving stream.
Zhu Qing quickly searched his memory and found the person's identity.
She is Zhu Qing's sister-in-law, Nie Zhen.
Nie Zhen held a cloth bag in her hand, walked up to Zhu Qing and opened it. Inside were two sets of light-colored new clothes. The fabric was ordinary, but the embroidery was exquisite and the details were perfect.
Nie Zhen smiled shyly and stammered, "I heard from your older brother that he agrees to let you go to school. I made you two new outfits, you can wear them. As for that strategist, I... I heard he's very capable, so I was thinking, should I dress more formally and stylishly?"
However, Nie Zhen really couldn't afford better fabric. Although she knew Zhu Qing wouldn't mind, she still felt embarrassed and was afraid that Zhu Qing wouldn't like it. Nie Zhen blushed and said, "Take a look and see if you can wear it. If you don't want it, I'll keep it for Manman when she grows up."
The "Manman" that Nie Zhen mentioned is Zhu Qing's niece, who is only seven years old this year.
Looking at her second brother, Zhu Yubo, and then at Nie Zhen's cautious demeanor, Zhu Qing recalled her past life.
In her past life, she had to work part-time to save money in order to pursue graduate studies.
She finally passed the exam, but her parents used the debt of gratitude they owed her to blackmail her into handing over all her savings and tuition fees and severing ties with her.
That day, Zhu Qing had a big argument with them and was then drowned.
Zhu Qing did not forget that she received an insurance notice the day before she was killed.
Who bought her insurance? Who killed her? Zhu Qing had her suspicions, but she dared not think too deeply about it.
Now, facing a family completely different from her previous life, Zhu Qing couldn't help but think about and compare them.
To save up for tuition, those days of struggling alone were incredibly difficult. She lived in a dilapidated old apartment that cost 300 yuan a month. The apartment didn't even have windows, and it was no different from being in prison.
Sometimes when she was too poor, she would buy a baguette for two yuan and eat it with plain water for a long time.
Zhu Qing never told her family because no one cared. Every day she woke up to go to work and stayed up late studying after work. During winter and summer vacations, she worked two jobs. In those two years, she ruined her health and became plagued by illnesses at a young age.
However, her parents wanted Zhu Qing to go home and get married, but Zhu Qing refused. They then said that they had raised her for nothing and that she should either get married or hand over all her savings to repay the money they had spent to raise her, thus severing all ties.
Zhu Qing refused to compromise and paid money to repay the debt of raising her. She was kicked out of her home in the early morning and then killed.
Zhu Qing had never cared about or hated her parents, but when she was actually killed, she was truly unwilling!
Why should she be called Aidi and not Qingqing? They didn't even support Zhu Qing through university, so she had to take out student loans, pay them off herself, and save up for her postgraduate tuition and living expenses. Why should she give it all to them in the end?
Zhu Qingming had already given up all expectations and worked herself to the bone to survive, but there were always leeches who wouldn't let her go.
Although the original owner came from a poor family and had an ordinary background, she was surrounded by... Zhu Qing looked at her second brother and sister-in-law beside her, and her nose tingled with emotion.
Perhaps this is nothing to others, but these are things that Zhu Qing could never obtain in his entire life.
Zhu Qing had never received such kindness from Uncle Zhu Yu and Nie Zhen.
So she was at a loss, even a little flustered, blushing, and didn't know how to respond for a moment.
"Qingqing, do you not like it?" Nie Zhen was very flustered when she saw Zhu Qing remain silent for a long time. She should have known that Zhu Qing was always opinionated and would not like the rough clothes she made by hand.
Nie Zhen didn't dare to show her disappointment too obviously. She slowly pulled back her clothes, gave an awkward smile, and tried to hide her sadness. "Then I'll keep them. Tomorrow, I'll take you to the market to buy more. You can choose for yourself, and I'll pay for it!"
Qingqing didn't like it, but didn't know how to refuse. Her face turned red. She felt really bad for making Qingqing feel so awkward!
Nie Zhen was saddened and blamed herself, and with red eyes, she took back her clothes.
As the clothes were moved away from her eyes, Zhu Qing snapped out of her daze and hurriedly grabbed them back, afraid that even this small act of kindness would disappear in the next second.
"No, I just like you so much that I don't know how to thank you enough!" Zhu Qing tried her best to smile at Nie Zhen, mimicking the original owner's appearance from her memories.
Nie Zhen was stunned: "Huh?" The change came so suddenly that she couldn't quite believe it: "You...you really like it?"
Zhu Qing nodded.
Nie Zhen smiled happily, but her face turned even redder with embarrassment. "Then, I'll make it for you again later."
"This must be tiring, right? You..."
"Not tired at all, not tired at all! As long as Qingqing is happy, what's a little tiredness!" Nie Zhen remembered that the medicine was still simmering on the stove and hurriedly said, "Your medicine is ready, I'll go get it for you!"
She was so happy that her steps were almost light.
Zhu Qing saw all this and felt a mix of emotions.
Surprisingly... there really are people who care about her and are so happy because of her simple expression of liking.
Zhu Qing sniffed, suppressing the tears welling in her eyes, and placed the dagger aside, looking solemnly at Zhu Yubo:
"Second brother, I don't want to study anymore."
Uncle Zhu was taken aback, a hint of heartache flashing in his gentle eyes. "Why do you suddenly not want to go? Are you worried that the inkstone gift is too small and Feng Huaihe won't accept it? Don't worry, we..."
"no."
Zhu Qing interrupted Zhu Yubo, "I just think that what my elder brother said is right. The path of a strategist is fraught with danger, and one's life or death depends entirely on whether the lord trusts them or not."
After thinking for a moment, Zhu Qing, fearing that Zhu Yubo might doubt her, added, "That's right, I want to live a few more years so I can spend more time with you all. Besides, once I start my studies and really become Feng Huaihe's student, I'm afraid I won't be able to come home very often, and I'll miss you all."
As Zhu Qing spoke, he used the original owner's memories to calculate in his mind that it was now the first year of Guangming, in the seventh month.
Historically, in November of that year, Huang Chao occupied Chang'an.
After the fall of Chang'an, the crumbling Tang Dynasty was about to face a chaotic period of sixty or seventy years—the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms.
In this era, all living beings suffered, and wars were frequent. Due to the shortage of military pay, it was common for soldiers to capture living people to use as food.
The common people were starving and freezing, the rulers were constantly fighting each other, and the change of regimes in the Central Plains was ridiculously rapid. In particular, Shi Jingtang ceded the Sixteen Prefectures of Yan and Yun in order to save his own life, which pushed the suffering of the people to an extreme.
Now, it seems that there are only three months left before Huang Chao captures Chang'an.
At that time, Chang'an will suffer a calamity, and ordinary people like Zhu Qing will be in even greater danger. If they are lucky, they will become refugees wandering around; if they are unlucky, they will die again.
Zhu Qing's eyes twitched. She hadn't died and had transmigrated, but when she opened her eyes, the dynasty was about to fall and rebels were attacking the city. She couldn't say whether God was being kind or unkind to her.
In her past life, Zhu Qing's first reaction to any situation was to fight and struggle.
Now, subconsciously, she began to think about fighting and resisting again, pondering how to devise a plan to survive in the dark and chaotic Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms period.
But Zhu Qing cut off the thought as soon as it came to mind.
She has struggled her whole life.
In the end, it was all for nothing.
Zhu Qing understood a truth: no matter how hard you try, the final result is the same—it's all just a dream, nothing at all.
So in this life, Zhu Qing wants to change her way of living: to lie flat.
She didn't want to be so ambitious or work so hard anymore; it was just too exhausting.
All I want is to have something to eat and drink, a piece of cloth to cover my shame, and just survive.
Isn't this better than working yourself to the bone only to end up with nothing?
"Qingqing?" Zhu Qing heard Zhu Yubo's voice calling her name and came back to her senses. Seeing Zhu Yubo's five fingers waving in front of her eyes, she coughed and said, "I've made up my mind, I'm not going!"
Forget about studying, she's going to give up!
As for the fall of Chang'an three months later... well, we'll see.
Zhu Yubo smiled slightly, revealing two deep dimples on his cheeks. "Whatever you say. You can think about it some more. If you still want to study in the future, we can send you back. By the way, the shogunate has already asked for leave for you. You can go back to work the day after tomorrow."
The Shogunate? Upper Duty?
Zhu Qing was stunned. Before she could even process the shock of Chang'an falling, she was hit by this bucket of ice shards.
If she remembered correctly, the shogunate was where the strategists worked. She had completely forgotten about that. In her memory, Zhu Qing was a secretary in the chief secretary's office of the shogunate.
My main job is to do odd jobs, like writing official documents for my boss, making annotations, and sending him messages.
Similar to a modern office worker.
Zhu Qing's immediate superior was none other than Feng Huaihe, a strategist renowned throughout the country.
In the original owner's memories, Zhu Qing greatly admired Feng Huaihe, regarding him as an omnipotent being, and revered him so much that she wished she could build a shrine for people to worship.
That's why she wanted to study and become a strategist as capable as Feng Zhijian.
Zhu Qing was exasperated. Why was she here and still had to go to work?
However, in his memory, Feng Huaihe and Zhu Qing came from the same village when they were children.
In other words, he's my childhood friend!
My childhood friend turns out to be my boss! Wow, this time it's finally my turn to benefit from connections!
-
Shogunate.
Head of the Secretariat.
Feng Zhijian stared blankly at the desk in front of him, bewildered for an hour, before finally accepting the fact that he had been reborn.
The desk before him held many unbearable memories. In his previous life, after Zhu Qing died, he lived in immense grief, missing her so much that he was almost driven mad. Based on his memory of her appearance, Feng Zhijian painted a portrait of her standing under the forsythia.
When no one was around, Feng Zhijian would spread the portrait on this desk, sit here, and lick the painting like a madman, making a mess of it everywhere.
After each act of masturbation, a deep sense of helplessness and exhaustion would spread from the depths of his body, making Feng Zhijian weak all over, so powerless that he didn't even bother to clean himself up. He would just lie on Zhu Qing's portrait, tears streaming down his face, sobbing uncontrollably. In the extreme pain, he reached out to hug Zhu Qing, but all he touched was a thin, cold piece of paper.
They didn't even dare to use force, otherwise they would break or wrinkle the painting of Zhu Qing.
Feng Zhijian held a piece of drawing paper and kept imagining what it would feel like to hold her hand and hug her. Would she be warm and soft, like the tabby cat he used to hug when he was a child?
Feng Zhijian couldn't know what that feeling was like, just like she didn't know what the sweet flower soup she made tasted like.
Sometimes, when Feng Zhijian looked at the things he had made, he would imagine Zhu Qing marrying Zhang Yin and the intimate scene between them.
These things allow Zhang Yin to truly embrace Zhu Qing.
He could only live in self-comforting fantasies, where even desire seemed disgusting and filthy.
For many years, he was alone and often wondered if things would have turned out differently if he hadn't let Zhu Qing graduate from her apprenticeship or leave in the first place.
She will not meet Zhang Yin, will not get married, and will not become her strongest political enemy.
Feng Zhijian took a deep breath. Letting Zhu Qing leave in his previous life was the biggest mistake he ever made.
Since we're going to be living this life again, we need to avoid these mistakes.
Feng Zhijian looked at the corner of the table, where an inkstone sat.
It's not the one I remember.
Feng Zhijian calculated the time in his mind. It was the first year of Guangming, July. Zhu Qing in his previous life had come to study on this day.
She will be accompanied by three older brothers, and she will bring the inkstone that she broke in her previous life to study. Feng Zhijian will take her as his only disciple because of a single sentence she said.
From then on, Zhu Qinghui stayed by his side every day, continuing to make him sweet flower soup.
A note from the author:
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