Chapter 150 Extra: Tuan Tuan's Diary - My Parents Are True Love, I Am an Accident
My name is Shen An, and my nickname is Tuan Tuan.
My father is Shen Jin, the former regent and now the richest man in Da Gan (according to my mother). My mother is Jiang Mianmian, the protector of the nation and now the number one foodie in Da Gan (according to my father).
The tutor said, "A bad pen is better than a good memory," and told me to write a diary every day to record the good things in life. I thought that made a lot of sense. So, I decided to write down all the shameful secrets of this family, so that when I grow up, they will be irrefutable evidence of this family's "sins"!
On the eighth day of the third month of the thirteenth year of Xuanhe, it was sunny.
The weather is nice today, but I'm in a bad mood.
Because Dad is taking Mom out for another "sketching trip." He calls it a "sketching trip," but really it's just them going to eat alone behind my back!
In the morning, I pretended to be still asleep and peeked through my squinted eyes. Dad was putting Mom's shoes on. That regent, who could scare children to tears with just a glare outside, was squatting on the ground, holding Mom's little foot, squeezing it for a long time, and saying something like, "Have you gotten fatter again?" Mom kicked him in the chest and called him a "dog of a man." Dad wasn't angry at all; he even grabbed that foot and kissed it, smiling like a flower.
[Comment: The Grand Tutor said, "Do not look at what is improper," but my dad said, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." I think they're so childish. Also, do Mom's feet really not smell? How could Dad kiss them? Adults are disgusting.]
March 15th, cloudy
Something big happened at home today. My mother's secret stash of one thousand taels of silver hidden under the bed has disappeared.
娘急得团团转，把屋顶都快掀了。她怀疑是我拿去买糖葫芦了，举着鸡毛掸子就要揍我。 我冤枉啊！我虽然爱吃，但我有自己的金砖，我不缺钱啊！
Just as I was about to suffer a "motherly beating," my father returned. He calmly pulled out a stack of silver notes from his pocket, saying that he had taken them to a money exchange and made five hundred taels of silver with "compound interest." My mother immediately threw down the feather duster, rushed into my father's arms, and cried, "My husband is so great!"
But I clearly heard what my father was thinking! He was thinking: "Actually, he used it to buy her that ruby headdress she'd been eyeing for so long at the Treasure Pavilion. He said it was a profit because he was afraid she'd think it was too expensive."
[Commentary: Ha, men. Ha, women. Is this love? It's filled with deception and the stench of money. Only I have borne it all. I've decided to eat two extra bowls of rice tonight to mend my wounded heart.]
April 5th, rain
My cousin Jiang Guoguo came over today. She gave me a new toy—a wooden hand that moves and works with a mechanism. She said it's her newly invented "automatic back scratcher."
I was so happy, I took it to show my mother. She glanced at it, screamed, and jumped onto my father. My father, his face dark, threw the wooden hand away and warned me not to learn bad habits from my cousin.
I refuse to accept this. My cousin is so cool! She can even use poison! Last time, that chubby kid who tried to bully me got a handful of her powder, and he was so itchy he danced on the floor all afternoon. I want to learn too.
[Comment: Dad says we should win people over with virtue. But I see Mom usually wins people over with "force." I think Mom's right. Next time that chubby kid dares to steal my chicken leg, I'll crack his head open with a gold brick. That's called—physical persuasion.]
May 20th, strong winds
Today is a special day. Dad and Mom had a fight.
The reason seems to be that Mom wanted to eat a third ice cream, but Dad wouldn't allow it, saying it was too cold and bad for her health. Mom got angry, saying that Dad didn't love her anymore, and even said she was going to run away from home.
I was so happy. Was I finally going to run away from home? Was I going to take her with me on a journey to the ends of the earth? I quickly packed my little bag and squatted by the door to wait.
As a result… less than half an hour later, laughter came from inside the house, along with those strange noises (the tutor said children shouldn't listen to them). Then, the father had someone bring in a bowl of steaming hot ginger milk curd.
I put the bundle back.
[Comment: Liars! They're all liars! They said they ran away from home, but in the end they still ended up in bed together. This is probably what the Grand Tutor meant by "quarrels at the head of the bed are reconciled at the foot of the bed," right? In this house, I'm the only one who's superfluous.]
June 1st, hot
The Grand Tutor praised me today. He said my article, "My Father," was sincere and deeply moving.
Actually, I only wrote one sentence: "Although my father is henpecked, he is rich and can take a beating."
The Grand Tutor was horrified after reading it, but he dared not scold me because my father was the Regent. However, he didn't know that after reading the article, my father only said one thing: "Realistic. Reward."
Then I got a new roast duck.
[Commentary: Honesty is indeed a virtue. If you're good at flattery, you'll get plenty of sycophants.]
postscript:
Just as I finished writing this entry and was about to hide it, a long, slender hand suddenly reached out from behind and snatched my diary away.
It was Father. After reading the diary, a chilling smile curled at the corner of his lips. Mother also came over to look, and after reading it, her smile was even more terrifying than Father's.
"Chen An." My mother called my name gently. "So this is how you see us?"
"Son." Dad patted my head. "Looks like you still don't have enough homework. Starting tomorrow, you'll practice horse stance for an extra hour every day."
“And…” Mother added, “I’ll confiscate your gold bricks for three days! That’ll show you what true ‘redundancy’ really means!”
[Final Words: Diary writing is risky; proceed with caution. I hate this home with no privacy! I'm running away! This time it's for real! Unless... unless there's braised pork for dinner!]
(On the last page of the diary, there was a drawing of a huge, drooling pig's head, with the caption: This is me.)
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