I lay on the hard bed, unable to sleep. Loneliness, along with the music in my headphones, exploded within me, accompanied by a sense of shame for having accomplished nothing.
I got up and drew back the curtains. The crisscrossing lights streamed through the windows of high-rise buildings, through the street stalls, and through the booms of tower cranes, weaving a dreamlike tapestry of the city. I gradually drifted into a daze, as if everything had ceased to exist, until the cigarette burned my hand. I lit another one, and the cycle repeated itself.
"Michael, open the door, I know you're home."
The knocking and voices startled me awake. I threw the half-smoked cigarette into the yellowish-brown ashtray and opened the door for Lu Jia. We hadn't broken up yet, but we were on the verge of it.
Lu Jia was wearing her prettiest summer outfit, with a pair of Chanel sequined sandals that showed half of her toes, making her look cleaner than ever.
I let her into the room and looked at her.
“Michael, my visa to France has been approved. I’m thinking of finding a university there to continue studying fashion design… I came to see you for no other reason than to say goodbye after our love affair.”
Lu Jia broke the silence and began to take off her clothes.
I know this is probably the most dignified way to break up, since we can still have this final act during the breakup, proving there wasn't a third party involved. Thinking about it, is there any happier breakup than this?
...
After getting dressed, I curled up on the bed and smoked. Lu Jia was taking a shower in the bathroom; she didn't close the door, probably so she could talk to me.
"Michael, what are your plans for the future?"
I felt an indescribable weariness. I exhaled a heavy puff of smoke and slowly replied, "I just want to get a good night's sleep, the kind where I don't have to dream."
Lu Jia responded with a smile: "Don't just sleep and never wake up, you're a man after all."
I have many reasons to defend myself, such as the world being unfair, bad luck, and that only a few can stand out, while most people can only live mediocre lives. But what's the point of saying these things?
Amidst her laughter, I changed the subject: "What about you? Will you go back to China in the future?"
"If I meet the right person over there, I probably won't come back."
I was heartbroken and said, "Remember to send me a picture of you in your wedding dress when the time comes."
"I'm not the kind of ex you can be friends with after breaking up, so let's not contact each other anymore."
The sound of water stopped, and soon after, Lu Jia came out wearing the same clothes she had come in. I was completely dazed. She seemed to smile at me; I had gotten used to her standing naked in front of me after her shower. Suddenly, I had an urge to see her like this, to see her as she used to be.
"Michael, take care of yourself, I'm leaving."
Lu Jia took off the ring I had given her three years ago, gently placed it on the table, and turned to leave without looking back. I was caught off guard; the impulse in my heart was extinguished. What I wanted was not for her to return everything from the past to me.
Standing on the seemingly isolated 19th floor, I watched her back as she waited for the bus with despair. The moment she got on the bus, I woke up, more sober than ever before.
...
Forrest Gump said life is a box of chocolates, and I thought: maybe he was right; a woman said life is children and a house, and I thought: maybe she was right too; God said life is redemption and repentance, and I thought: maybe I'm a sinner. I've been singing since I was five, and now I'm old, and I still have nothing in my hands, like a speck of dust; goodbye, 20th century; goodbye, people as lost as I am...
In the bar, I sat by the window, a band playing a song I didn't know the name of nearby, a song that reflected my feelings. I couldn't let go of Lu Jia's choice, yet I had to understand her, because love isn't a means to an end. When she had a better tomorrow to choose from, I couldn't keep her in the name of love. But her choice amplified my pain, and I didn't know how to face the future.
Sitting across from me, Wang Lei handed me a cigarette, lit it for me, and said with a smile, "Don't you feel that you're much happier than most people who have just broken up? At least you have someone from your hometown like me who's willing to keep you company... But, could you please not treat me like I'm invisible? You could at least make a sound!"
"squeak."
"Do you have to be so honest?!"
Wang Lei was wearing a sexy short skirt. She had said she didn't want to dress like this, but it was a professional requirement. In Shanghai, I'm probably the only one who knows her full name; her colleagues and customers all call her Lei Lei. We both come from a small place in Sichuan. She's a woman who has had a very difficult life. Her parents died in an earthquake, and she suddenly became an orphan before she was 16. Life has never given her a choice.
After a moment of silence, Wang Lei leaned closer and said, "Something really funny happened: Last night, a few guys who run guesthouses in Dali came over and told me a lot about Dali. They said there's a bunch of really free-spirited and really rascally men there who ride their motorcycles all day long around the old town and Erhai Lake, and yet there are always women who are willing to date them and ride on their beat-up motorcycles... If this happened in Shanghai, it would be utter nonsense! If you don't have a house and a car, who would want to date you!"
After Wang Lei finished speaking, she laughed loudly. Suddenly, she lowered her voice and said to me, "But I really want to go and see it. They say Erhai Lake is especially beautiful, and there are seagulls there too."
"I don't have time..."
After saying that, Wang Lei looked at me and said on a whim, "Michael, why don't you open a guesthouse in Dali? You said you only earn six or seven thousand yuan a month in Shanghai, I feel hopeless for you. Why don't you try life there? Maybe it's really as good as they say!"
She drifted into a daydream, still urging me on through my silence: "Go for it! I heard opening an inn over there is really profitable... Once you're settled, bring me over too, and we can go together..."
I interrupted her: "Stop dreaming. If I had the money to open a guesthouse, I'd rather make a down payment on an apartment in Shanghai, even a one-bedroom one-living room would do!"
"You don't have it, but I do."
As she spoke, Wang Lei actually pulled a bank card out of her handbag and handed it to me: "There's 190,000 yuan in the card, that should be enough to open an inn."
I didn't answer, and lit another cigarette for myself.
Wang Lei shoved the card into my hand and said, "What else does Shanghai have besides a woman who dumped you?... Go to Dali. Even if the inn fails, it's okay. I can make money in Shanghai. I'll take care of you."
To avoid dampening her enthusiasm, I finally took the card from Wang Lei, but I won't leave Shanghai. I'll keep this money for her for now, maybe even help her with some investment. Her income is very unstable; she lives off her customers' moods. If she ever falls on hard times, I can help her out.
Three days later, I received devastating news: Wang Lei got into a conflict with a customer because she refused to perform. In the chaos, she was hit on the head with a bottle and stopped breathing on the way to the hospital.
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