After I shared my feelings, my mood inexplicably somber. Of course, I didn't want to conform to this unhealthy social trend, yet I was the one most deeply entrenched in it. I knew all too well that I could no longer pursue my ideal love with youthful exuberance.
At this moment, Nicole, who had been silent for a long time, finally spoke to me and said, "I don't like your mentality. A man's nature should be to be carefree... I think your self-righteous 'compromise' is the greatest harm and betrayal to women."
"Not every woman thinks like you... Women like you are rare, and it's precisely because you're rare that your ex-boyfriend didn't want to hold you back... He must have been suffering a lot too!"
"Ridiculous... I've never heard anything more ridiculous in my life... What the hell is this supposed to be?... If this counts as fulfillment, then where does my current pain and despair come from?"
"The reason you are in pain is because you don't understand him enough... and he doesn't understand you enough either. You are both sacrificing for each other, but you are getting the worst result... I think he may not be doing better than you right now."
Nicole shook her head, then picked up her glass, finished the beer, and after a long while said in a low voice, "Whether it's true or not, I won't wait for him... The man I should be with is a man of high moral character, not someone who pretends to be noble."
I don't know what to say, but a lot of thoughts are running through my mind. I feel like what Nicole said was directed at me... But Lu Jia is not her. Lu Jia needs this kind of support, otherwise she wouldn't have taken the initiative to break up with me because of studying abroad. As for Lu Jia, I have never felt that I did anything wrong.
At this point, Nicole said to me again, "Let's stop arguing about our views on love... I can tell that what's bothering you right now isn't your relationship with your ex-girlfriend."
"Yes...it's all in the past. We can't go back or start over. I've already chosen to let it go."
After saying that, I shifted my posture and asked Nicole, "When you were with your ex-boyfriend, did you really not feel any pain because you had nothing? ... For example, in a place like Dali, you didn't have a house, a car, and you even had to plan ahead to save money for something as small as buying clothes... Having a child and fulfilling the responsibilities of an adult were things you didn't even dare to think about... Over time, didn't your mindset change at all?"
“If we can’t have children… we don’t have to have children, because we’re not living for children… If we can’t afford clothes, we can dress simply. I think as long as the two of us are aiming to grow old together, these things don’t matter.”
"You are truly a very special woman... If your views on love represented the majority of people, the relationship between men and women wouldn't have become so cheap!"
After I finished speaking, I lit another cigarette... In the dispersing smoke, I thought of Ye Zhi, and I couldn't help but ask myself, had I really overcomplicated things for her? Perhaps, 3,000 kilometers away, she, like Nicole, viewed love with a very pure heart?
This time, Nicole didn't respond to me; she had fallen into a daze again.
I spoke to her again when I was almost finished with my cigarette, saying, "I have a question I'd like to ask you."
"you say."
I calmed myself down first, and then said, "I have a female friend... she's exceptionally outstanding... outstanding in every way... uh... that's not the point. The problem I'm facing is... she's in the hospital, and I don't know if I should make a special trip back to Shanghai to see her?... If we're just ordinary friends, this kind of concern seems a bit excessive... but if I don't go back... it feels like something's stuck in my heart, and I just can't feel comfortable!"
“This is easy to solve. If you feel that going back to see her on a special occasion seems a bit much… then just lie to yourself and say you were just going back to see her on the way.” After a slight pause, Nicole continued, “Why hide your feelings for someone? Just because she’s too outstanding?”
I paused for a moment, then replied, "Isn't it a bit too much to think about things like relationships now that I'm getting older?"
"I'd love to know, what were you like when you were younger, in your approach to relationships?"
I touched the back of my head, and then certain images flashed through my mind. With a relaxed smile, I said to Nicole, "If I were five years younger, I would definitely fly to Shanghai overnight, then do something romantic like picking leaves from the Champs-Élysées, confessing my feelings to her... I understand women too well. They easily become vulnerable when they are sick, and it's human nature to need someone to rely on when you're vulnerable... Sometimes love is a kind of satisfaction, and that satisfaction comes from finding someone to rely on."
"Heh... If you get someone like that to rely on, but she doesn't give you love, what will you do?"
"Just keep pestering her... I'm incredibly thick-skinned... Besides, this kind of thing is practically impossible for me... I think as long as I hold her and give her a passionate kiss, even the hardest heart will melt under my heat!"
I kept going too far, and Nicole's face showed a look of disdain. It was probably because I had been acting very conservative before, so when I revealed this passionate side, she was so dismissive. But these were things I would have done when I was younger...
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