After a three-hour flight, the plane finally arrived in Shanghai. When I stepped off the plane with my simple luggage, I found that things were not as I had expected. The weather in Shanghai was not only gloomy but also very cold. This made me wonder if I had ever really lived in Shanghai. Having gotten used to the spring-like climate of Dali, I really couldn't accept the damp cold here. I felt like my legs were soaking in ice water, and they were numb.
I took a scarf out of my bag and handed it over, then followed the crowd out of the airport...
The area outside the airport was no different from before. Many taxi drivers waiting for passengers would come up to me and ask where I was going. But when I was asked that, I suddenly felt lost. I didn't know which hospital Ye Zhi was in, so I had no idea where I was going.
I found a slightly sheltered spot to sit down, then took out my phone from my bag. After some deliberation, I decided to send Ye Zhi a message with the simplest text: "I'm in Shanghai right now. Which hospital are you in? I'd like to come see you."
Ye Zhi did not reply.
I leaned against the gray wall, shielded myself from the wind with my clothes, and lit a cigarette... I thought Ye Zhi would reply to my message when I finished the cigarette, but I didn't know if she would treat me as an uninvited guest and then feel annoyed.
...
After finishing one cigarette, I lit another, but I gradually began to feel pessimistic because Ye Zhi did not reply to me within the set time as I had expected.
I didn't want to just wait passively like this, so I finally boarded the airport bus and rode a bumpy ride to the city center.
...
Shanghai is so big! Finding someone here is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I simply got off the bus on the street where I used to rent a place. I wasn't deliberately looking for trouble; I just felt I should come and see for myself…
Before long, it got completely dark, but Ye Zhi still hadn't replied to the message.
As I was lost in thought, a sense of desolation welled up inside me... This desolation had nothing to do with whether Ye Zhi paid attention to me or not; it was simply because as I walked down a familiar street, all I could feel was the atmosphere of things being different and people no longer being the same.
After walking another stop, I subconsciously stopped... Across from me was a shoe store hidden in neon lights... Just one glance, and the light shining directly on me made me feel disoriented. It was as if I were seeing a scene from a year ago again: That day was Lu Jia's birthday, and I used half a month's salary to buy her a pair of shoes she had wanted for a long time... She first scolded me, then hugged me tightly, ignoring everyone's stares, and whispered in my ear: We must be together for life...
I can't remember if I had the confidence that we would be together forever back then. I just remember her smiling face and the neon lights illuminating that cold night, and my heart was warmed.
Even now, I still believe that at least Lu Jia that day never thought of leaving Shanghai or leaving me... But people are not made of stone; people change. Otherwise, I wouldn't be walking alone on the street at this moment, nor would I be abandoning everything to go to Dali.
Looking back on the past six months in Dali, I can't say I've gained anything. I just feel that my mindset has matured a lot. I haven't deliberately hated or tried to forget. I've just become more and more calm in accepting certain facts.
It wasn't until I returned to Shanghai that some feelings surged up.
...
I walked away quickly, and the bar where I drank with Wang Lei that day appeared on my left again... The bar wasn't big, but there was a band performing inside. I was like someone who had marked the boat to find the sword, not paying attention to what they were singing at that moment. My mind was full of that late night and the melody of "Goodbye, Twentieth Century".
If only time could turn back... I would definitely take Wang Lei to Dali, regardless of her status, I just want her to live well in this world.
Remembering her appearance and the things she said to me... my eyes welled up with warmth again, and then tears fell... my heart ached as if it were being torn apart. I braced myself against the glass window with one hand and clutched my chest tightly with the other.
Only now do I realize why I was so afraid to go back to Shanghai, because this is what will happen... What I feel is not just loneliness, but a heart-wrenching pain that has nailed me to the cross of this city, where I can't see a ray of sunshine.
...
I finally arrived at a fruit shop that held no memory for me and bought some apples. I was ready to see Ye Zhi at any moment, but fate seemed to be playing a joke on me... Ye Zhi still hadn't replied to my message.
I couldn't help but laugh at myself. Just how close were we? If there really was something unusual between us, why didn't I have her phone number until now?
Otherwise, I wouldn't need to use such an inefficient tool as WeChat to contact her.
I finally sent her a voice message invitation via WeChat, but thirty seconds later, I was still met with a cold message reminding me that her phone might not be with her.
...
Carrying the fruit I bought, I took a bus to the Bund again, feeling the continued prosperity of the place, as well as the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. The only thing that stayed with me was the cigarettes in my pocket. I only had two cigarettes left. A homeless man took one, and I lit one for myself.
I gradually found it all ridiculous... I didn't know what I had come all the way back to Shanghai for. Last night, in my most optimistic moment, I even thought it would be a small surprise for Ye Zhi, so I didn't tell her beforehand.
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