Back at "Jiulongju", the effects of the liquor mixed with beer kicked in. I threw the keys on the table, collapsed onto the bed, and lost consciousness... When I woke up again, it was already late at night, and my throat felt like it was on fire.
I boiled a kettle of water, and while waiting, I went to the bathroom and vomited violently again. When I sat down again, I felt completely exhausted... For a man, this is probably a vulnerable moment... But in the illusory yet real night, I had to accept the fact that I was all alone.
I was panting heavily as I tried to calm myself down. After feeling a little better, I poured myself a full glass of boiled water. But what I really needed was warm water, or a glass of honey water to soothe my stomach.
While waiting for the water to cool down, I inevitably started having all sorts of wild thoughts. The one that gave me the biggest headache was: where could I get the 10,000 yuan I had promised Cao Xue as a token of my sincerity? I was completely broke now, and I couldn't even ask Taozi for a loan, because Tie Nan and I had both said things that left no room for negotiation. Besides, I knew Taozi had a hard life and didn't want to bother her. I was sure that if I asked Tie Nan for money again, it would definitely cause a conflict between him and Taozi.
I lit a cigarette and pondered deeply...
Old Mi should be able to come up with 10,000 yuan, but he always thinks I'm doing quite well in Dali. Borrowing money rashly would only make him suspicious of me, so asking him for a loan would definitely be the worst option.
If Coach Ma hadn't invested in businesses elsewhere, he should have some spare cash. But after the unpleasant experience with Tie Nan, I'm hesitant to borrow from him, because you can't test people's hearts, especially since this wasn't a test.
With a heavy sigh, I took the large suitcase I brought from Shanghai out of the locker again. I rummaged through it and finally found a long-forgotten DSLR camera...
For a while, I was obsessed with photography, so when I celebrated my birthday the year before last, Lu Jia gave me this camera, which was worth more than 18,000 yuan on the market, which was almost two months' salary for Lu Jia.
I've used the camera very few times since I bought it, so it's still about 90% new, but it contains about 50 or 60 photos that I took of Lu Jia.
I plugged in the camera and opened it with a heavy heart... The first photo was a swimsuit photo I took of her on the beach last year when we went to Qingdao for vacation. Thinking back on it now, it feels like it happened yesterday, or like a dream.
I can't bear to see her smile, nor can I feel the weight of this camera... so I'm experiencing everything I can feel at this moment with particular agony.
I took a deep drag of my cigarette and started deleting the first photo from my camera...
Finally, only one photo remained, the only one in the collection: a picture of me and Lu Jia together. It was taken at the Humble Administrator's Garden in Suzhou, during a snowfall. I was holding Lu Jia's hand, and we asked a passerby to take the picture for us...
Looking back now, she was probably at her most beautiful then... but I have to say goodbye to her, and even the thoughts I have of her in my mind should be said goodbye to now.
My fingers trembled as I pressed the delete key, as if deleting the longest memory, one filled with joy and pain, the most beautiful days of my youth and love...
I tilted my head back, exhaled the smoke from my mouth, and lingered for a while. Then I picked up the cup of hot tea, which had cooled down considerably. After that, I posted a message on Douban to sell my camera. I only quoted a price of 12,000 yuan.
I feel incredibly empty, as if I've sold my youth and these past few years in Shanghai...
...
There are many photographers in Dali, and many knowledgeable people. So, early in the morning, four or five people from the same city asked to meet me to look at the camera. In the end, I sold it to a guy who runs a photography studio. I specifically asked for cash, but I feel conflicted. I don't know why I did it.
I always kept the cash in my hand; the moment I closed my eyes, a sense of defeat followed, as if I couldn't hold onto the people and things around me... So, I started wanting even more. This feeling was both overwhelming and subtle... Perhaps only those who have truly experienced it can understand!
When I opened my eyes again, the sunlight was extremely, extremely bright... I squinted, fumbling for a cigarette while pulling my phone out of my pants pocket.
My phone vibrated for a while before I realized someone had called me...
I snapped out of my daze, thinking it was a message from Cao Xue, but it was a completely unfamiliar number, and the location was Lhasa.
I answered the call, and Coach Ma's voice came through: "It's me. This is my new number here. Write it down."
"become."
"You sound a bit out of sorts?"
I pressed my temples and replied, "I drank too much last night and I haven't recovered yet... If you're done, I'll hang up now."
"If something comes up, don't hang up yet."
"Say it."
Coach Ma paused for a moment, then asked, "Have you run into trouble lately?"
"It happened, but it's not a big deal."
"Are you short of money?"
I was taken aback. Coach Ma has never been one to beat around the bush, so his question probably meant he'd heard something...
During my brief silence, he continued, "I haven't touched much of the money we took from the inn... Send me your account number later, and I'll transfer tens of thousands of yuan to you... I know you're not the type to trouble others, but you have to remember... If you're in trouble, I'll be there for you."
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