After Nicole gave me this advice, I picked up my glass and drank the rest of the wine. Then, looking into Nicole's eyes, I finally spoke to her: "It's not easy to adapt to a place, and it's even harder to forget a city... So, I don't want to change."
"You're not even willing to do it for Ye Zhi?"
I didn't answer directly, but said, "Fortunately, this was just your suggestion... Don't put me in such a difficult position; you should know this best. Now, if I asked you to leave Dali and go back to Jiangsu, would you be willing?"
Nicole glanced at me, then took a cigarette from her pack, lit it, frowned, took a drag, and said to me, "I can't go back, but you're different..."
I interrupted her: "Do you know about my experience in Shanghai? If you don't, how can you be so sure we're different?"
“It’s different, really different; there’s a woman waiting for you in Shanghai, while the man who eloped with me from Jiangsu has long since disappeared without a trace.”
I exclaimed, "You truly are a woman who puts love above all else!"
"Aren't you a man who puts love above all else?"
I was a little dazed, and in that daze I saw the heart inside my body burning so hard it was about to burst. I do have many beautiful dreams and fantasies about love, but as a man, I have to consider more practical issues.
I finally spoke to Nicole, saying, "I really want to live like the male protagonist in a romance novel, with only my beloved and the ends of the earth in my heart... But as you've seen, life is like a giant black hole. Even if your imagination can create a utopian world bigger than the universe, it still has the power to ruthlessly swallow you up... Not to mention anything else, just look at what happened to you recently. The bar owner actually dared not to pay you for your performance because you didn't sign a contract... Me too, since coming to Dali, I've had all sorts of setbacks and troubles; dealing with these troubles has already exhausted me, how can I have the energy to place love in the most sacred position and worship it?"
"You're pretty realistic..."
"It's not that I'm realistic... it's the world that's realistic; I don't know when it started, but love has become an adversary of life... Isn't that ridiculous? But that's the reality. In places you can't see, countless people are using life as a weapon to attack love... Otherwise, where would all these divorces and breakups come from? Even more outrageous, there are those who choose to fake divorces so they can buy another house..."
"When these people do these things, do they ever think about why they came together in the first place?"
I shook my head, and after a long while, I replied, "Maybe love really does disappear."
"You suddenly sound so pessimistic!" After a slight pause, Nicole added, "You seem to have changed the subject."
"No, it's just that, based on love, I rationally considered the current social climate..."
"So that's your reason for not wanting to go to Shanghai?"
"I guess so... I'm just an ordinary person, and I can't escape the selfish side of human nature; I'm afraid that if I go back to Shanghai, I'll just be repeating my old life, or even worse... Besides, Ye Zhi and I are from completely different worlds. If we force ourselves to be together, we might die even faster. It's better to let nature take its course."
"What if your letting things take their course and she gives up on the relationship?"
I replied with difficulty, "For her, it might be a relief, and for me too."
"Then you don't love her... True love should be fearless."
I took a deep drag on my cigarette, and then Nicole's lesson reminded me of myself a few years ago. Back then, I was truly fearless, thinking that if I couldn't survive in Shanghai, I'd take Lu Jia to a less stressful city. I figured as long as I wasn't lazy, we could manage. The two of us just couldn't be apart. But in a later conversation, I learned what Lu Jia was really thinking. She wasn't willing to follow me to the ends of the earth for love; she wanted a better life.
She was certainly not wrong, and I learned my lesson. So since then, I like to leave myself an out in everything I do, which is actually a form of self-protection.
I didn't argue with Nicole, nor did I explain... I just silently poured myself a glass of wine, drank it all in one gulp, poured another glass, and saw my somewhat sorrowful face reflected in the glass. I loathe this version of myself, as if I've lost my passionate soul and become a generic shell submerged in the crowd. There's no poetry in my soul, no distant horizons... all I have are fingers stained yellow from cigarette smoke and a liver filled with alcohol.
...
After a long while, I finally spoke to Nicole, "Do you know when Ye Zhi is going back to Shanghai? I want to see her."
"have no idea."
"Please ask her for me, I'm going to Shanghai to find her..."
"Isn't it better to let things take their natural course?"
"I still want to explain to her face to face that I didn't keep her and Lu Jia hanging at the same time... Only by clearing up this misunderstanding can things take their natural course."
"At least you have some sense. Shall I ask around for you?"
I nodded emphatically.
Nicole picked up her phone and sent a message to Ye Zhi, not expecting an immediate reply, so the two of us drank and waited; soon, a bottle of liquor was finished...
During a break, I thought of Yang Sisi and said to Nicole, "A female friend just arrived... She got there too late and couldn't book a room, so she was thinking of staying with you for the night. Do you mind?"
Nicole readily replied, "No problem, I'm using bunk beds anyway... But, do I know her?"
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