I don't know how I got through the night. I only managed to doze off lightly a little as dawn approached. When I woke up, my head was throbbing. I didn't want to do anything and felt completely numb.
I sat on the bed, turned on the music, and listened to "Hotel California" over and over again. My English is not very good, and I only have a vague understanding of the lyrics, but that did not stop me from creating a sad and painful atmosphere in my mind along with the melody.
I began to distrust myself, and then I felt hopeless about life.
These are the negative reactions that come with heartbreak. I can't see the bright sunshine outside the window; all I see is a bouquet of flowers that was broken by last night's strong wind, and beneath the flowers lies the corpse of an insect, being eaten by ants...
I even feel like I'm that insect being eaten, already devoid of life, yet still being utterly destroyed by cruel reality and the cruelty of others.
I know this is a sign of depression, and I increasingly feel that my body is a prison. I want to break free, I want to be free... I'm thinking, could death be a key to unlock my **confinement? I've never had such a dangerous thought before.
...
I banged my head against the wall, then went through an extremely long period of dazedness, until I even lost my sense of hunger. Everything felt like I was back in those days when I was preparing to leave Shanghai, in a daze!
I finally realized I couldn't go on like this anymore. I sent Ye Zhi a WeChat message: "I'm so sad and frustrated... I don't know when you're planning to leave Dali. If you're still here, can we meet?... If you can see me in so much pain and still be indifferent, then just pretend I didn't say anything... But I will hate you for the rest of my life because I feel like you've hurt me!"
After sending the message, I was plunged into an extremely agonizing wait... I wasn't sure if she would reply, because she hadn't replied to my messages in a long time. Whether I could meet her depended entirely on whether I would swallow my pride and go to her. She would only avoid me and say things that I couldn't understand.
...
About half an hour later, or maybe forty-five minutes later, my phone finally vibrated with the sound of a WeChat message. I grabbed the phone abruptly, as if I were suffocating and had just received a breath of oxygen to keep me alive...
She replied, "I'm on my way to the airport now, and I have an hour and a half to board. If you have time, you can come over."
"There's still time, wait for me..."
...
I drove like a madman all the way to the airport...
I don't know if it was her intention, but I saw her near the exit where I had met her before... She was wearing a white long dress, sunglasses, and a gray fisherman's hat. Because of her attire, I couldn't even see her expression, let alone know what she was thinking at that moment.
I stood facing her, her hands clasped on her blue handbag.
I asked her in a low voice, "You drank quite a bit last night, are you sober now?"
"Just say what you have to say."
I nodded and said, "If you're sober now, then I need to confirm something with you... Are you sure you want to break up, right?... Or was it just a drunken impulse?"
Ye Zhi didn't take off her sunglasses. She said to me in a calm tone, "It wasn't an impulsive act after drinking."
My Adam's apple bobbed painfully: "Can you give me a reason that won't cause me so much pain?... You're not me, you'll never know what I gained from this relationship, or how much pain I'll experience in the end!"
After a moment of silence, she finally spoke to me, saying, "Separating is the best choice for us."
I laughed: "I can hear the perfunctoriness in every word you say... You know what? When I broke up with Lu Jia, although I was in pain, I was able to get through it... because I knew why she broke up with me... I couldn't give her the life she wanted... But what about you?... What did I do to make you make such a... such a decision that makes me so pessimistic that I'm starting to doubt myself?"
Ye Zhi avoided my gaze and whispered to me, "I'm sorry... This time, I couldn't give you the life you wanted... I hope you can find a woman who is truly right for you in the future."
"Can we stop with all these tired clichés?... That's not what I want to hear!"
That's all I can say.
I lowered my head, closed my eyes, and felt a pang of sorrow in my heart... It seemed there was really nothing left to say between us. Everything I was enduring right now was because I was too competitive and too serious...
She's right. A woman like her really can't give me the life I want... I should wake up, I should have woken up a long time ago.
My heart was ashen, and I didn't utter a word. She was the same, standing just across from me at a distance that wasn't too close or too far... Our mutual silence signaled the breakdown of our relationship. We didn't argue, we didn't dwell on who was right or wrong, and that was the most terrifying thing.
I finally broke the silence and said to her, "We've said all that, there's nothing more to say... Go... I hope there's a man in this world who can truly be worthy of you... I really didn't know you well enough, just consider it a dream... Every dream eventually ends... I will definitely forget you."
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