I spent the whole day wandering around the ancient city, sitting in quiet places for a while whenever I came across one. But this self-indulgent choice didn't make me feel any better. I kept thinking about Ye Zhi and our past, wondering if she was like me after the breakup, unable to muster any enthusiasm for anything.
Yes, you only realize how important someone is to you after you've lost them.
However, even now, I still can't figure out if my love for Ye Zhi is really just because of her beautiful appearance.
If that's the case, it'll actually make things easier... because if I meet another woman who is just as beautiful as her, or even more beautiful, I'll forget about her.
What I fear most is that what I'm after isn't just her beauty, but something irreplaceable about her. That would be the real pain... because no one can ever replace her.
...
I lay on the ground under the scorching sun, took my phone out of my pocket, and wanted to send her a message, but my strong sense of pride wouldn't allow me to do so. So, I became even more tormented by this conflicting dilemma.
I covered my face with my hands, ignoring the pedestrians on the street, and shouted loudly... I'm not crazy, I'm just in pain because I lost the woman I love. Or, what I hate even more is the feeling of being abandoned by others, as if I've become an extremely independent individual, with everyone in the world standing in opposition to me.
I felt like I was being persecuted, and I felt suffocated!
...
It wasn't until Nicole, who was passing by on the street, spotted me that I quickly disguised myself and started acting like a normal person.
Nicole sat down on the steps next to me, looked at me, and asked, "Are you alright?"
I laughed, then asked in return, "What could possibly be wrong with me?"
"Stop pretending. It was a bartender who saw you lying here yelling and screaming, so he ran back to the bar to get me... Also, why can't I get through to your phone? I've called you at least ten times since this morning!"
I sniffed, not wanting to speak, and then fell into a state of self-pity.
I really wish Nicole could stay away from me at this moment.
I'm just so ungrateful. I'm annoyed by Chen Jin who insults me... and I'm also annoyed by Nicole who cares about me.
There's no feeling of heartbreak more real than this! I feel like a hedgehog, full of defenses, yet I can't escape from those quills myself.
Nicole patted my arm, sighed softly, and then said to me, "I know you and Ye Zhi broke up, and she was the one who initiated the breakup."
"Well, so what?"
"What's wrong with you guys?"
"I've been thinking about this problem too... and after thinking it over and over, it's come to this... Hehe, don't I look like a complete idiot right now?..."
"Don't talk about yourself like that... Everyone experiences heartbreak!"
"But is anyone as pathetic as me?... Time and time again, I can't keep thinking it's all the woman's fault and that I have no problems at all... But what frustrates me the most is that, apart from not achieving anything in my career, I really don't know what I've done that's worse than others... Why does my heartfelt sincerity always result in this... How incredibly psychologically devastating is this..."
As I spoke, I pounded my chest repeatedly, just to make myself feel better.
"Perhaps Ye Zhi has her own reasons... I've always felt that she's quite sincere towards you, but she has to live in all aspects of life. She's destined to be that kind of woman... You should know this better than anyone else."
"Come on, what kind of troubles can there be in the world of relationships? ... In the end, it's just not enough love. She not only broke up with me, but she didn't even leave me any room in my career... You know, before she signed the Cangshan Villa project, I had already found a way to balance things between her and Cao Jinbo, but she just brushed me off. She didn't even pay attention to the plan I proposed... Now she's completely out of the picture, but I'm left with a mess. Just thinking about it gives me a headache! ... Can you say that this has nothing to do with her?"
"So, do you love her or hate her?"
"Hate... The more I love, the more I hate... She's a complete businesswoman, and she's applied all her business logic to our relationship... She just thinks I'm just an ordinary man, so she abandoned me... She's brilliant. I really am just an ordinary man, otherwise why would I be so stubborn, making myself less than human for a woman who doesn't take relationships seriously?!"
I feel like I've found an outlet, so much so that when I said these words, I was so excited that I spat out my saliva... God knows how much pain I'm in and how much I care!
Nicole took a pack of women's cigarettes out of her bag, then pulled one out and handed it to me, signaling me to calm down.
But I couldn't calm down, so I kept panting... Just like I said, when Lu Jia chose to give up on me, I at least knew why... But Ye Zhi didn't explain anything, leaving me with a bunch of past events that bothered me, so of course I would try to figure out the worst possible interpretation of her.
Nicole frowned, then lowered her voice and said to me, "Don't say that about her... She must be pretty upset too. I contacted her yesterday... She went to Phuket alone, saying she went to clear her head... If she wasn't upset, would she have put down her work and gone to clear her head by herself?"
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