After Nicole commented on Ye Zhi's fiancé, I subconsciously glanced at the man sitting in the car, and his gaze met mine. Ye Zhi probably hadn't mentioned me to him before, because when our eyes met, he smiled at me quite kindly, at least not outwardly displaying the aggressiveness Nicole had described. To maintain a polite demeanor, I smiled back, but inside I felt a mix of emotions, tinged with a touch of desolation. I had waited a year and a half, and now it seemed as if I had been working for someone else's benefit.
I finally spoke to Nicole and said, "We've drifted further and further apart, and I don't want to interfere in her life anymore... So, no matter how close you get to her in the future, don't tell me about her. Because from my perspective, even wishing her happiness is just a formality... Really!"
"I know, we just happened to run into each other and we only exchanged a few words. I won't bring it up with you again on my own initiative."
After a brief pause, Nicole said to me again, "Then I'll head over first."
"Okay, go ahead."
Nicole glanced at me regretfully, then walked towards the car parked across the street; I didn't look back until the car drove away, but I saw the car's trajectory on the windowpane, becoming increasingly distorted and blurry...
I felt very sad, like someone who once had love suddenly became a homeless vagrant... When this vagrant was unshaven and smelled of sourness, no one knew that he once had very beautiful expectations for love, and that his girlfriend was very beautiful, stunningly gorgeous!
I do feel regret, it's very real...
If I had been more proactive during our courtship and had engaged in a sexual relationship with her, thus elevating our love further, would our relationship have become stronger as a result? ...
Instantly, I rejected that idea. We wouldn't become more determined; it would only become more tragic. The problems between us had surpassed love itself and represented the most helpless kind of relationship in reality.
Just like Lu Jia and me, I know perfectly well that my gratitude towards her outweighs my love for her, but I still have to rush towards marriage with her. Isn't this also a helpless reality?
...
Facing the Cangshan Mountains and the setting sun, I sat alone by the railway tracks, watching the green train come from afar and then go away. My heart was living under the wheels of the train, a crushing pain.
Half an hour later, Chen Jin came over. He brought me beer and a bag of salted peanuts.
When he handed these things to me, he complained, "It took me half an hour to drive here. How did you find this place?"
I smiled and replied, "If I said I wanted to see the extended railway tracks, would you think I'm being pretentious?"
"Yes, and he's quite ill!"
I lay down amidst the overgrown weeds and after a long while said, "I know these trains all come from Kunming, but I don't know where they go after Dali..."
"Lijiang? Xishuangbanna? Or Shangri-La?"
"Anything is possible... Isn't that how our lives are? We know where we come from, but we never know where we're going... Sometimes when I think about it, it's really scary, because not only do we not know where we're going, but we also have no one by our side!"
Chen Jin smiled and replied, "You're too conservative. If you lived like me, you would never be so melancholy."
"I don't want to live like you... Relationships should be a multiple-choice question, but you've made it a multiple-choice question... Even if you're not tired, your kidneys are."
"It's better to have your kidneys tired than your heart tired."
I laughed, and Chen Jin laughed too. Then we picked up our beer cans and both of us walked away happily.
After downing half a can of beer, I said to Chen Jin, "The more we can't find anything to do, the more I regret it... I feel like I didn't put in enough effort for the Jiulongju project back then, I was too focused on making money. If I had been more patient, things might not be like this now... But it's almost impossible to pick it up again, because neither we, nor the market, the merchants, nor the owners have the same drive we had back then!"
"Yes, we all like to say we've tried our best. You said you tried your best back then, but when have you ever really tried your best?"
"So now I'm confused... I don't want to do small businesses, and I don't dare to do big businesses!"
Chen Jin's smile held a hint of helplessness as he replied, "This can't go on forever... If you really can't find anything to do, go to Shanghai and be with Sisi's dad... It's better than both of you being trapped here to die!"
I shook my head: "I'm determined to go back to Dali, otherwise I wouldn't have bought a house there... Besides, if I go to Shanghai, how am I supposed to explain it to Lu Jia?"
"Now that you mention it, it's true! ...Thinking about it now, you're really confused... You and Lu Jia are headed towards marriage, so you really need to think things through carefully. Where will you live in the future, and how will you support your family?"
"So, my mind is in turmoil!"
After saying that, I raised my beer can to Chen Jin, gesturing for him to have one... After finishing the beer, it got dark, and once again I was lost in thought staring at the endless railway tracks... My confusion stemmed from my inability to define myself. Was I a success or a failure? What could I expect in the future?
After a long time, I finally put my arm around Chen Jin's shoulder and said, "We're in the same boat, so we have to compete with each other... to see who can climb out of this whirlpool first."
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