After I lowered my head, Yang Sisi also fell silent. I didn't know what she was feeling at that moment, but I felt guilty. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I felt guilty, but I knew she was really good to me... and I wasn't bad to her either. But we just couldn't take it one step further, as if we were trapped in a curse.
I finally looked at Yang Sisi, then smiled and said, "Have you ever heard the saying, 'A broad mind leads to a plump body'?... You won't lose weight. When I leave, I'll definitely be fatter than before I came in!"
Yang Sisi glanced at me with a hint of disdain and replied, "Judging from your tone, you quite like this place... Is it because everyone here is so talented and speaks so nicely... that it makes you feel at home?"
I exclaimed, "How heartless must someone be to treat this place like home!"
Yang Sisi was clearly not in the mood for joking around with me. She looked at me with a somewhat downcast expression and said after a long while, "I really don't know what you're thinking?...Isn't going to Shanghai better? Is staying in Dali really a good idea?"
I laughed: "Whether Dali or Shanghai is better... you should know better than anyone else. Don't forget who played so many tricks to try and stay in Dali."
Yang Sisi shook her head and replied, "People grow up... I've gradually come to understand that Shanghai represents a lifestyle, while Dali represents an ideal... Who can live for their ideals their whole life?... When we get old, coming to Dali to plant flowers and raise dogs would be quite nice... But we're still young, and Shanghai is definitely more suitable for us than Dali... Think about it, first of all, Dali's educational resources can't compare to Shanghai's. You can't be so selfish as to not consider the next generation, can you?"
"Yes, that's a very real issue!"
I replied with that, and then looked at Yang Sisi. She still looked very youthful, but her inner self, or rather her attitude towards life, was no longer the same as when I first met her. She actually had the next generation in her heart, which was quite unbelievable!
After a moment of silence, Yang Sisi continued, "The day before yesterday, I attended a classmate's wedding... She's the youngest in our class, even younger than me... I questioned her, 'Aren't you a staunch non-marriage advocate? How come you're the first in our dorm to get married...' She laughed and whispered to me that she was pregnant... She said it was a shotgun wedding, but she couldn't hide her happiness at all... I knew then that she married for love... Actually, before meeting the right person, we were all staunch non-marriage advocates, and we didn't want children... But once we meet the love of our lives, we realize that life should be like this, wanting to marry him/her, wanting to have a child with him/her... So, all the wrong beginnings are because we haven't met the person we love in return!"
In my silence, Yang Sisi said to me again, "Don't be so silly in the future."
"If it were you, I would have done the same thing."
I suddenly blurted out this from the bottom of my heart, catching Yang Sisi completely off guard. After a long while, she said to me, "Then you are really sentimental!"
...
Soon, the limited visiting hours were over. Before leaving, Yang Sisi told me that she would stay in Dali for the next few days and wait for me to come out... I didn't need her to do that, but it was still a comfort to me.
I am unfortunate, but also fortunate, because the most frightening thing in this world is having no one waiting for you. I am very grateful that she has always been by my side all these years.
...
It was another evening, and I was sitting alone in an open space. Opposite me were high walls and barbed wire fences. These two things completely isolated me from the outside world. For a while, I was very uncomfortable and anxious, but as I was about to go out, my heart calmed down.
There's not much to do in this place besides working, so the only way to pass the time is through deep thinking...
I feel like I've seen through the relationships between people, so I'm a little reluctant to be so open and honest with others anymore.
My heart sank. Not only did Ye Zhi not come to see me, but even Nicole didn't come... Only Chen Jin brought me clothes once, and a few other friends, though not close acquaintances, came once.
I've always considered myself a person who doesn't tend to be petty, but when I'm down on my luck, things that I usually don't care about suddenly become very important to me. That's why I always say that people are products of their environment; your mood depends entirely on the environment in which you are living.
If I were facing Erhai Lake, swept by the wind, instead of high walls and barbed wire, I would feel better.
...
While I was in a daze, the graduate student who had been arrested for soliciting prostitution squatted down next to me. I called him Zhou San. He looked left and right, and when he found that no one was watching us, he took out a crumpled cigarette from his pocket and handed it to me.
I asked him, puzzled, "You don't smoke, so where did you get the cigarettes?"
"I traded my food tickets with the cell leader... You can take them."
Being able to smoke a cigarette in here is such a luxury, so I quickly took out the matches I had hidden on my person and lit the cigarette. I took a big drag first to enjoy it, and then I couldn't bear to stop, so I just kept taking small sips.
"Brother, do you regret coming in?"
"It's no use regretting it now. Just be a good person after you get out."
After a brief pause, I asked him again, "What kind of life do you plan to lead after you get out?"
"I don't know... I think all I know is how to study, but I've turned myself into a useless person... I don't even have the right to mate. Sometimes I think I'd rather be a dog!"
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