I walked towards Ye Zhi and sat down opposite her. I didn't smile at her or give her a hard time; I just stared at her blankly. This was my true feeling. I didn't know what she would say to me, and I didn't want to guess.
Her expression was complicated as she looked at me. Finally, with a guilty look, she said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were driving drunk at the stadium that day... I feel so guilty!"
“No one held a gun to my neck and ‘forced’ me to do this… so you don’t need to feel guilty, I’m the one who should reflect on my actions.”
Ye Zhi looked at me, hesitant to speak, and finally looked away. This was the first time I was able to see into her heart. I knew she was very sad and couldn't express it... She shouldn't have come, because it wouldn't have helped and would only have put herself in a very awkward situation.
I'm conflicted. On one hand, I don't want to see her being heartless and indifferent, but when she actually comes, I don't know what to say.
I let out a soft sigh, smiled again, and said to her, "You know, smoking a cigarette here is a real luxury... If you really feel bad about it, just ask the warden to let me have a cigarette, and then we'll be even."
"Smoke less."
"This is my 11th day in the detention center. I've only smoked half a pack of cigarettes, less than one a day on average... How much less can I smoke without having quit?"
Ye Zhi finally nodded, then went to ask the guard for a cigarette; I knew she had come with her credentials. I didn't know the rules in other detention centers, but in my detention center, smoking was absolutely forbidden during visiting hours, yet she managed to get me a cigarette; moreover, I had already used up my visiting days for the week and theoretically shouldn't be visited again, but she came… This clearly involved some connections.
...
I stared at that cigarette for a long time before finally lighting it. I took a light puff and smiled at Ye Zhi, saying, "This cigarette tastes much better than the one my friend gave me! This is truly the first time in my life I've had the chance to enjoy the convenience that privilege brings... Thanks... Sometimes, I really can't understand what you people are pursuing... When privilege reaches a certain level, you even get exemptions, right?... So, when money can no longer bring pleasure, you start frantically pursuing the sense of accomplishment that privilege brings!"
"Your words really hurt me. Please don't say that, okay?"
"The gap is laid bare right here. What else can we talk about besides that?"
Ye Zhi finally turned her gaze back to me, and at the same time, changed the subject, saying, "I will explain the situation to the relevant departments... and ask them to rescind the five-year driving ban on you..."
“I’ve already spoken to them, and they’ve investigated and collected evidence, confirming that I did indeed drive under the influence of alcohol in a moment of panic while rushing to rescue someone, so they’re exempt from prosecution… But the driving ban and detention are absolutely unavoidable. They’re very firm in their stance and have already warned me that it’s no use talking to anyone!”
"Don't worry, I will definitely find a way to resolve the bad consequences I caused."
"You came here just to tell me this?"
"I hope you can accept my apology..."
I took a deep drag on my cigarette, and after a moment of silence, I smiled and said, "The person who called me was Nicole, so you don't need to apologize to me... Could you please pass on a message to Nicole, telling her not to avoid me? The person I most wanted to see the day I went out was her... Have her come pick me up and arrange a place where I can take a proper shower. If you can't do that, I'll really be angry with her!"
"Okay, I'll tell her."
"Then there's nothing else."
Ye Zhi lowered her head and remained silent for a long time. After a while, she whispered to me, "Michael, don't do this for me anymore... It's not worth it. I can't give you anything but hurt!"
Hearing those words, I felt an indescribable sadness, but I still smiled and said to her, "I know, I'll get over it... I'll forget about you, as if we'd never met..."
After a brief pause, I continued, "You really did a great job with this. Can you tell me how you did it? ... Do you ever have a moment of free time when you suddenly think about a man who waited for you for a year and a half? ... Has anyone ever told you how I spent that year and a half? ... If so, would you feel sorry for me?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say... If you insist that my pain is compensation for you, then let me tell you... In the past year and a half, I have suffered more than anyone else... I can't change my fate, nor can I ask others to understand it... My only hope is that you will be happier than me... You should cherish the woman who stayed by your side through thick and thin when you were down on your luck... I have no chance, no chance to cherish the man who waited for me through thick and thin when I was down on my luck!"
I rarely saw any emotional fluctuation in Ye Zhi. She seemed reluctant to show this side of herself in front of me, so after saying those words, she picked up her handbag and turned to leave.
I wanted to call out to her and ask her if she had ever truly loved me, but the words stuck in my throat...
I have the answer in my heart, but I feel unwilling until she tells me it herself... But what's the use of being willing to accept it, even if I get it?
We are all mature adults. Just because we have so-called love doesn't mean we can throw ourselves into being together... Our world has too many trade-offs and choices. At least, I shouldn't have regrets, because I did my best when faced with these trade-offs and choices.
I watched her leave silently, and suddenly felt a pang of sympathy for her. In her short-haired figure, I could no longer see the spirited youth she once had; all I saw was weariness, helplessness, and even a hint of panic.
She's not doing well right now, that's what my subconscious tells me, and I could also sense some clues in our conversation just now.
I'm starting to believe Dai Qiang's words. What she encountered in Thailand was violence, not a natural disaster...
If it really is **, it's unimaginable how she managed to get through that year and a half!
...
I took a deep drag on my cigarette, and the scene of our first meeting on the observation deck came to mind: a woman who looked incredibly lonely... Her heart was a mystery. She wouldn't tell anyone how much pain she was in, nor would she express how lonely she was. She would only silently buy a plane ticket and fly to my side when she missed me. She was also not good at expressing her resentment, so she quietly glued together the plane tickets that I had torn up...
That's why I attacked her recklessly, seeking a sense of triumph... But I wasn't truly happy, because I gradually realized that her silence and lack of tears were also a form of care. Want to chat with more like-minded people about "My Tenant Miss"? Follow "Youdu Literature" on WeChat to read the novel, discuss life, and find kindred spirits!
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
