With a whistling sound in the wind, Ye Zhi put on the hood of her windbreaker, so much so that I couldn't see her expression clearly, but I could sense her mood... because I've always been a very perceptive person, especially towards those I care about. Sometimes, just from their every move, I seem to be able to see right through them.
Of course, I couldn't possibly know what Ye Zhi was thinking at that moment, but I knew she needed protection, just like most women... She was also made of water, agile and soft.
Just like how she loves beauty, she would always put on makeup carefully when she met me.
Her strength seems to be given to her by others; others need her to be strong, to be invincible, to appear perfect... That's why I've heard so many people call her President Ye... But what does she really want? Perhaps "Ye Zi" (叶子) would be more endearing.
...
After a moment of silence, I took out a cigarette case from my pocket, pulled out a cigarette, lit it, closed my eyes, and took a deep drag.
As the smoke swirled around his face, the scene Ye Zhi had just described inexplicably resurfaced in his mind: a stunningly beautiful woman, driving a white car slowly down the asphalt road, following a homeless man dressed in women's clothing. They went to the seafood market, the amusement park, and the beach in this unusual way… The homeless man was erratic and repulsive, yet every move he made brought him pleasure; while the woman, her delicate face streaked with tears… Aside from being human, they had nothing in common, yet under the blazing sun, it was the woman who envied the homeless man…
That's all I can think of, because I don't know what she envied about the homeless; or rather, in the homeless man's crazy behavior, she saw something she had lost, and what exactly were those things?
I waited for her to explain things to me... but she suddenly stopped talking and just kept hugging her knees.
"Want a cigarette? It'll warm you up."
"I don't smoke."
"You can give it a try, but don't let your principles defeat you."
"This has nothing to do with principles."
I put the cigarette back in the pack... The scene was still in my mind, and I saw a strong conflict: a woman with a halo, and a dirty homeless man... Who is the wise one in life?
Ye Zhi finally spoke again. She said to me, "There are too many illusions in this world... I can travel all over the world, while that homeless man may be confined to the seafood market and the seaside area for his entire life... But who is more free, us?"
"he."
"Yes, he is freer... because in his world, there is no one else... he is his own friend, and his own family... even if he sleeps in a garbage dump every day, he is not pathetic, because he is a world of his own, and in his world, he can make flowers bloom."
In the snow, the moon and sun could illuminate his world together… Although his body still interacted with this world, his spirit was now omnipotent… Therefore, I am not as happy as he is, nor as free.
I looked at Ye Zhi, speechless for a long time. Perhaps only someone who has truly experienced life and death would think like this... She must have been depressed for a long time, because only a depressed person would think about the world and find a way out of the conflict between the spiritual world and the real world.
I finally spoke to her and said, "So, the root of our lack of freedom lies in others?"
"Yes, we all live in other people's worlds... or perhaps, there is no such thing as absolute freedom in this world."
After saying that, she turned around and looked at me; after a long while, she spoke again: "Freedom is a luxury... Only by living can you possibly realize your dreams; if you die, you have nothing..."
I clenched my fists and asked, "Tell me, was that accident in Thailand an accident, or was it man-made?"
"It has nothing to do with you... My biggest regret is that I wasn't able to fulfill the responsibilities of a girlfriend when I was your girlfriend, but that's not a bad thing... Don't try to infiltrate my world; it's completely different from the world you see..."
"I seriously doubt whether we ever truly dated in the name of love."
"What you think is up to you... In my heart, you are the only one..."
Eager to know the answer, I pressed on, "The only one what?"
Ye Zhi didn't answer directly. She just asked me in a low voice, "If you had a choice... would you still want to meet me at that observation deck?"
Not getting the answer I wanted, I snapped and yelled, "I don't want to meet someone who's dishonest about everything!"
Ye Zhi stopped talking, lowered her head, and let the rain fall on her.
I regret saying it, I regret saying it... but I'm stubbornly refusing to change my mind.
At one point, I even thought: Yes, you're better than me in every way, and you're unwilling to tell me anything, so go ahead and bear all the pain... Anyway, love is just about fucking hurting each other, and I'm not worthy of understanding your world anyway.
But the pain in my heart felt so real.
It turns out that hurting her hurt me even more! ...So, before becoming that homeless person, we all lived for others; so, it is others who make us lose our freedom and ourselves!
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