"have."
"Give me one."
On Wednesday, San lit my cigarette. When I'd smoked almost half, I said, "From the first moment I met her, I treated her like a younger sister, a really close one, because she's very lively and easy to get along with… People have fixed mindsets. If you were in her shoes, could you still have a romantic relationship with her after having that image of her as a younger sister in your mind?"
…It feels like…I’m not exaggerating…but I care about her a lot, I’m afraid she’s not doing well, afraid she’ll be wronged…”
"Then imagine, if one day she's wearing a wedding dress and there are other men standing next to her... how would you feel?"
I didn't want to imagine that scene, so I replied, "Let's not talk about that... let's talk about something practical."
After saying that, I looked out the window and, facing the flashing lights, I suddenly felt lost: I had said I would go to Shanghai to find her... If it was just to meet her or have a meal, I would go... But if it was in the name of love, how would I feel?
I tried to think about Yang Sisi's mature side, her sophisticated style... and gradually I felt more at ease. As long as I forgot about the delicate, fair-skinned girl from three years ago... I could accept her in my heart...
If we get married, start a family, and she has a child for me, just thinking about it makes me feel happy...
Perhaps she would stand in the crowd, holding her child, affectionately wiping the child's snot and drool with a tissue, then turn around and glare at me, hating that I was a hands-off, irresponsible old man.
...
The next moment, I inexplicably thought of Ye Zhi again... On the same street, Yang Sisi and I stood one after the other... I shouldn't have seen her, but I had a god's-eye view. My gaze was like an all-pervasive stream, passing through the crowd and various obstacles... and I witnessed her sitting at the end of the street.
She had been drinking, and with no one by her side, she looked very lonely...
Even more real than this is my past fantasy. I also imagined our family life. Although she was very busy, she would still make time to help the children with their homework... Sometimes she would get impatient and scold them... The children would make faces at her, and she would laugh... Her laughter was so beautiful!
These two scenarios represent the Buddha in my heart, and also the demon within.
(End of this chapter)
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