My heart felt like it was being pricked by needles, but I didn't try to relieve myself in any extreme way. I stood by the river, completely sober, and didn't go anywhere, my heart breaking again and again.
I was really hoping for a heavy rain, but the moon hung perfectly round in the sky and was reflected in the Huangpu River.
Moonlight and lamplight were everywhere, and I didn't know where to put my bad mood.
I started counting the passing ships, thinking it would kill some time, but they came and went, like pain, coming and going in my heart.
I'm suffocating.
Until Yang Sisi, who was far away in the United States, called me.
...
After I answered the call, she questioned me, "You were clearly in Shanghai, why did you lie to me?"
"To tell you the truth, you can't come back... so why keep you thinking about it?"
"What you're sending me is yourself... right?"
"I'm not as romantic as you think... I just thought this would create a more surprising feeling. I thought you would rest in Shanghai for a day before leaving."
After a moment of silence, Yang Sisi on the other end of the phone asked again, "Did you really come to Shanghai for me?"
"real."
"Then can you wait for me in Shanghai for two days... I can go back by Monday at the latest."
"I can't wait any longer, I have to leave tomorrow... Don't worry about me here, just focus on doing your job over there."
Yang Sisi said to me very firmly, "No, you must wait in Shanghai until Monday... otherwise, it won't count as you keeping your promise."
I raised my hand and looked at the date on my watch. Today is only Friday. If I really have to wait until Monday, how am I going to get through Saturday and Sunday? I'm starting to become more and more afraid of Shanghai. It seems like all the bad things and the wrong people happen here.
I said to Yang Sisi, "I really can't wait any longer, I have to go to Hangzhou."
“Then you should go to Hangzhou first, take care of things there, and then go back to Shanghai… Anyway, I must see you in Shanghai.”
Why are you so persistent?
"This is the first time you've come to Shanghai for me, and I don't want to have any regrets... If you don't agree, I'll buy a ticket back to China right now. I don't care about anything else; I just want to see you in Shanghai."
Yang Sisi's uncompromising attitude left me feeling overwhelmed.
She pleaded with me, "Wait for me in Shanghai, okay? When I get back, I'll take you out for a nice meal. If you want to do anything, I'll go with you. By the way, you've never been to Disneyland, have you? I have a friend who works at Disneyland. I can get free tickets from her. Anyway, as long as you don't leave, I'll do anything."
If I were to refuse now that things have come to this point, it would be hurtful to Yang Sisi!
After a moment of silence, I finally said to her, "Okay, then I'll go to Hangzhou first and come to Shanghai on Monday."
Yang Sisi's feelings were fully expressed in her words. She smiled and said to me, "I'll book the plane tickets right now."
I responded, and she asked me with a hint of suspicion, "I'm not in Shanghai, did you go to see Ye Zhi again?... You'd better not see her, because she saw me at the airport that day, and she knows you went to pick me up... Now that you're in Shanghai again, she'll definitely think very complicated things about our relationship."
"She won't."
"As long as she's a woman, she definitely will... If you still have hope for her, then listen to me!"
I forced a smile and replied, "Whether you're joking or genuinely trying to be helpful... I have to tell you, there's no need for that..."
After a brief silence, I said in a low voice, "I just ran into her on the Bund. She told me... she's already engaged to someone else... She's always been a steady woman, so if she said that, there shouldn't be any changes."
Yang Sisi remained silent for a longer time than I did before replying, "If this is true, should I be happy or unhappy?... Sometimes, I really hate myself. I always feel that my thoughts are very simple; I just want to spend more time with you. But if I say that I have no ulterior motives at all, I don't even believe myself... At least, I did this to make myself happy... Logically speaking, I should be happy to hear that Ye Zhi is going to marry another man... But I can't be happy because I know how sad you are, and I know who the woman you truly love is... I'm afraid you'll become like me. I know how painful it is to want to get closer when you can't see any hope!"
I felt incredibly sad, but I couldn't tell if it was because Ye Zhi was going to marry someone else, or because of the emotions contained in those words themselves.
I gripped the railing tightly, speechless.
Yang Sisi on the other end of the phone remained silent...
I wiped my face hard with my hand before saying to Yang Sisi, "I'm fine. Anyway, I can't say for sure who gave up first between us... but this result is really good... I had already predicted this day would come two years ago... because I wasn't very confident in either her or myself. What we were pursuing were two completely different worlds... Now it's all good, I'm completely free!"
"I really want to be with you right now... because I don't believe what you're saying is true... just like I don't believe myself... You'll never know how terrifyingly stubborn a person's inner conviction can be!"
I smiled and replied, "The reason you say that is because you're not mature enough... Mature people, when faced with insurmountable obstacles, will find ways to find a way around them!"
"Then show me how to do it."
"I'm fine, let's leave it at that for now."
Before Yang Sisi could reply, I hung up the phone. It was in that instant that I broke down...
I ran wildly along the riverbank until I was covered in sweat and completely exhausted.
Ignoring the strange looks from the crowd, I lay heavily on the busy passageway, breathing heavily, my mind filled with the scene of Ye Zhi marrying that man...
I couldn't bear the thought of her saying "I do" to that man; I couldn't bear the thought of her clothes being unbuttoned by other men besides me... What tormented me even more was that before she came back, I felt like I was living in hell, waiting for her for a year and a half.
How can these holes in our hearts, created by pain, be healed?
I'm going crazy!
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