After I gave my reason, Zhou San finally agreed, nodding and replying, "That makes sense... You've lost your temper with me several times recently. I'm easygoing, and whatever you say, I think you're doing it for my own good... But my fourth brother has a temper; he might really explode!"
“That’s the right way to think… Actually, things are pretty good right now. Just knowing that she’s waiting for me gives me a huge motivation. More than ever, I want to get out of these difficulties…”
"I understand, that's what they call distance makes the heart grow fonder."
"That's right. Let's focus on making the bar a success first, and then we can develop the rest step by step... As long as we're determined, why should we be afraid of not having a good life in the future?"
After Zhou Sanxiao smiled on Wednesday, I finally breathed a sigh of relief... But this time, I didn't lie to him; this was truly my honest thought... I didn't want Yang Sisi to suffer with me, nor did I want to start a new relationship in this chaotic state... I hope that one day, when we look back, there will only be sunshine between us, no gloom... And now, this is the process of dispelling the gloom.
...
After we finished eating, Nicole, who had come to help, called me aside and asked, "The opening is tomorrow, are you nervous?"
"It's really nerve-wracking... If we can't get the cash flow going within a month of opening, Chen Jin and I will both be finished!"
Nicole nodded and replied, "I know it's not easy for you two... Anyway, I'll do my best to help... Tomorrow, every single one of our bar's long-term members will be brought to your bar to support you."
I smiled and said, "Chen Jin was worried you wouldn't agree, but he was overthinking it!"
“If it were anyone else, I definitely wouldn’t agree… But what kind of relationship do we have?… Looking across the whole of Dali, it’s just a few of us who get along like family… If I’m not even willing to help you, what kind of relationship is that?”
I nodded, feeling a sudden pang of sadness, because I was reminded of the time when I first came to Dali. Me, Coach Ma, Tie Nan, Tao Zi, Bai Lu, Yang Sisi... we were a circle, like family.
Coach Ma has become a monk and shows no sign of returning to secular life. Tie Nan is in prison, Tao Zi has disappeared, and Bai Lu is gradually drifting away from me.
Honestly, I miss that time and everyone who was in it. I miss them... but time never comes back.
Nicole waved her hand in front of me and then asked, "What are you thinking about?"
"It's nothing, it's nothing..."
I lit a cigarette and leaned against the wall to smoke. After a moment of silence, Nicole said to me, "You see, opening a bar isn't a good idea... Ye Zhi happens to be in Dali too, why don't we invite her over and have some fun together?"
I paused for a moment, then spoke in a very calm tone.
She replied angrily, "Bars are open to the public, so if you think it's appropriate, you can invite her in your own name... I, for one, will not extend an invitation to her."
"Then I'll treat her."
I didn't say anything, I just closed my eyes and exhaled the smoke heavily from my mouth...
Besides the smell of tobacco, there was also a feeling I couldn't quite explain; I really didn't like hearing Yang Sisi and Ye Zhi's names from other people's mouths again.
...
That day, I was busy at the bar until 1 a.m. before I got back to my place. As soon as I opened the door, someone called me. I turned around and saw Coach Ma, whom I hadn't seen in a long time. He was standing under the street lamp, dressed in plain clothes, and carrying a guitar on his back.
I smiled and asked him, "Are you planning to leave the monastic life? I haven't seen you carrying a guitar around for years!"
Coach Ma walked up to me, said "Let's go inside and talk," and then went into the courtyard before me; it seemed he had come specifically to see me.
Under the jujube tree, Coach Ma and I sat on opposite sides of the stone table. He doesn't drink alcohol, so I brewed a pot of jasmine tea, which was very light and wouldn't interfere with my sleep.
After taking a sip from the glass, Coach Ma said to me, "I heard your bar is opening tomorrow, and I don't have anything to give you... so I'll give you this guitar. It's been with me for ten years."
"Ten years' worth of stuff, how can I possibly afford to enjoy that... Besides, there's no rule that says monks can't play the guitar, is there?"
Coach Ma smiled and replied, "Actually, in the first year after I went to the temple, I was indeed filled with worldly desires... But as time went on, my heart became pure, and I felt that there was nothing I absolutely had to have... This guitar is the only thing I brought up the mountain... It would be a pity to throw it away, so giving it away now means I have truly severed my worldly desires."
"No, Bailu is still waiting for you!"
"No one is waiting for anyone else; it's not the final destination in a person's life... In my eyes, only the result is real, while the process can change in countless ways, so it's all fake."
"If Bai Lu can let go, that's fine... But if Bai Lu can't let go for the rest of her life, won't you feel guilty?"
Coach Ma replied calmly, "Since everything I'm doing now has nothing to do with the result, what do I have to feel guilty about?"
I glanced at Coach Ma and felt incredibly tired. Every time he said something, I had to think about it several times before I could understand what he was trying to say. He said it was the realm of Buddha, but I felt it was just pretentious mystification.
If we are truly living for this outcome, and the process can be omitted, then what is the meaning of coming into this world? Is birth truly death?
I beg to differ.
Coach Ma probably realized that we had irreconcilable ideological differences, so he didn't say anything more. He drank the tea in his cup and prepared to leave.
Although I felt there were still things I wanted to say, I didn't call out to him, but simply remained silent.
Silently watching his unfamiliar figure recede further and further from the courtyard... And with it came the end of my time in Dali, it seemed that all the relationships we formed during that time underwent significant changes at this moment.
Perhaps, the only person I can truly talk to is Peach... But where is she right now?
...
I lit a cigarette, lay down on the chair in the moonlight, my heart sometimes calm, sometimes restless... I certainly don't have Coach Ma's profound understanding, so I'm very concerned about what the outcome will be for the bar's opening tomorrow.
This result is very important to me... because it will affect my mood when I go to Shanghai to find Yang Sisi.
I want to be full of vigor and high spirits, not to leave her with another failure, making her live with my bitterness and resentment.
...
Forcing myself to cheer up, I patted my face and silently chanted "Come on! Come on!" several times in my mind.
(End of this chapter)
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