After Leopard left, Yang Sisi and I just looked at each other. I couldn't describe my feelings. I wanted to find a hotel to rest, but I also wanted to spend more time with Yang Sisi. So, I took the initiative to say to Yang Sisi, "Let's go see a movie."
Yang Sisi shook her head and replied, "I'm not watching anymore, I'm a little tired... You should find a place to rest early."
"You just said you'd keep me company, why the sudden change of heart?"
With tears in her eyes, Yang Sisi spoke to me after a long while, saying, "Didn't you hear me say I was a little tired?"
It was only at this moment that I clearly sensed a change in Yang Sisi's mood. After a moment of silence, I asked her, "Did I do something wrong that made you unhappy?"
"No... I'm leaving now."
As Yang Sisi was about to leave, I grabbed her from behind and said in a low voice, "Don't do this, okay?... It's not easy for me to come to Shanghai!"
"You know it's not easy, so why do you still do it this way?"
What's wrong with me?
Yang Sisi turned around and looked at me. Her eyes were sharp, which made me feel at a loss. But I never thought she was a capricious woman. For her to act like this, I must have messed something up. The scariest thing is that I was completely unaware of it!
Tears streamed down Yang Sisi's face as she finally spoke to me, "I don't know what you're avoiding... I want to tell everyone from the bottom of my heart that I love you so much, I love you so much... But you don't respond at all. I feel like a joke because my world is just one-sided... Just now, even Leopard noticed it. Don't you really notice anything at all?"
It was then that I realized that throughout Yang Sisi and Bao's conversation, I had never expressed my own stance. The correct thing to do would have been to firmly tell Bao that I would not let her suffer in the slightest and that I would make her the happiest woman in the world. But I never said it.
You can't blame me for this, because people's thoughts are governed by their subconscious. How could I say these things with such conviction when I thought I had no hope for my life?
That's self-deception, I can't do it!
Seeing my silence, Yang Sisi's pain intensified. She said to me sharply, "I know you still have Ye Zhi in your heart, and I am your second choice... If Ye Zhi's family invites you to dinner and says something difficult to you, you don't need to use your brain to deal with the situation... Your heartfelt love for her will make you willing to do anything for her. Even if her family doesn't agree to her being with you, you will still take her with you even if it means eloping."
Is this kind of comparison meaningful?
"That's just the way it is..."
I had no way to express my suffering, so I just stood there, but Yang Sisi saw it as a tacit agreement, which made her look even more pained... That's the kind of woman she is, she can't tolerate even a grain of sand in her eyes... But my concerns really have nothing to do with Ye Zhi.
Speaking of Ye Zhi, I think I understand her a little better now...
My leg is crippled, and I can no longer give Yang Sisi a perfect life, so I want to give up... Giving up is not because I don't care, but precisely because I care too much. I don't want her to suffer with me.
This isn't being sentimental. It's said that even filial sons can't stay by the bedside of a chronically ill parent. If this is true even between fathers and sons, let alone a fragile marital relationship... If I were to ask her to sacrifice her entire life for me, I wouldn't be happy... I would live with guilt and melancholy forever.
I watched Yang Sisi leave, and suddenly felt incredibly empty inside... I really wish we could go see a movie about love together, and one that ends in comedy, because my situation is so unsatisfactory, and I want to find some comfort in those imagined scenarios.
...
Snowflakes began to fall from the sky, a rare sight in Shanghai, and the crowd instantly erupted in excitement; but I quietly hid among them, trying my best to remain calm and composed...
I really want to talk to Coach Ma. Suddenly, I feel that becoming a monk isn't so unacceptable. I feel like I don't deserve to have love anymore.
I took my phone out of my pocket and stared at the swirling snowflakes for a long time... I felt like I was seeing another world, a world without human love and hate, where everyone was serene and pursued a realm beyond this world, just like the snowflakes falling from the sky. Falling is one state, and melting away is another colorless and tasteless state.
I finally found Coach Ma's phone number... Just as I was about to call him, I suddenly realized that this feeling of wanting to renounce the world was just a momentary impulse.
I'm not reconciled... I have unfinished business and people I want to be with.
Even if the latter is difficult, what reason do I have to give up on the former? ... I can still think now, and I have never thought that starting a business is more important than thinking. Just like Stephen Hawking, although he was paralyzed in all four limbs, it did not prevent him from becoming a great man of his time.
...
In the snow, I boarded a double-decker bus and wandered aimlessly through the city; no one would believe it, but I remained seated and followed the bus to its final stop until the driver reminded me to get off.
I changed buses again, still not knowing where they were going, but I sat in the same position, watching the world outside the window gradually being covered by white snow.
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