Chapter Fifty-Two: Back to Reality
A blinding white light.
The smell of disinfectant stubbornly penetrated my nasal cavity.
Ji Moli's consciousness seemed to struggle to break free from a deep, viscous swamp; her eyelids felt as heavy as lead. She heard muffled, anxious calls: "Moli? Moli? Are you awake? Doctor! Doctor!"
She strained to focus, and the first thing that caught her eye was the stark white ceiling of the hospital room and a cold, energy-saving light bulb. The light stung her eyes, and her heart pounded with unease. A blue curtain was drawn, enclosing a small space filled with the beeping of medical equipment.
She tried to move her fingers, but a feeling of weakness washed over her; she tried to speak, but her throat was dry and tight, and she could only manage a faint, breathy sound.
"Don't rush, don't rush, take your time." A familiar yet worried face drew closer—it was her husband. His face bore the marks of years of toil and hardship; his brow was furrowed, and his eyes were bloodshot. Looking at him, Moli felt a bitter ripple in her heart. A voice in her subconscious sighed helplessly: After all this time… it's still you.
She finally realized she was in a hospital, and it seemed she had been lying there for quite some time. Her memories were like shattered mirrors, scattered all over the ground, some fragments shimmering with a strange yet familiar light—memories belonging to a woman named "Huairou," with pavilions and towers, gardens where lectures were held, a man named "Jiancheng" with his affectionate eyes and helpless farewell, and... a child named "Yunji."
Just as she was trying to piece these chaotic fragments together, the ward door was gently pushed open, and a small figure wearing a primary school uniform and carrying a schoolbag timidly peeked in, with a worry and a hint of fear on his face that did not match his age.
"Mom..." the little boy whispered, clutching a rough, handmade blessing card tightly in his hand.
Mo Li froze, staring in disbelief at the child—that face was clearly a miniature version of "Yunji," the child she had poured all her love into in that long "dream"! "Chengxi, Mommy never wants to leave you again!"
It turns out... it was all a dream.
As the days passed in the hospital, with the help of medication and the company of her family, Mo Li's memories gradually became clearer, like a beach revealed after the tide recedes. The reality belonging to "Ji Mo Li" and the long illusion belonging to "Guo Huai Rou" began to be clearly distinguished, yet they were also strangely intertwined in the depths of certain emotions.
She, Ji Moli, did not lose her son. However, two years ago, her company underwent massive layoffs due to an industry downturn, and she unfortunately became one of the "mid-life unemployed." Repeated job search failures led her to develop severe anxiety disorder, her emotions became extremely unstable, and she was filled with worry and fear about the future, even beginning to experience delusions and hallucinations.
With the economy in decline, she and her husband couldn't afford to buy an expensive house in a good school district. To provide their child with a relatively good educational environment, they gritted their teeth and enrolled their son in a well-managed private boarding school. Just then, a contagious pneumonia outbreak occurred, and at its worst, she couldn't see her child for two whole months. The longing and worry for her son, coupled with the frustration of losing her job and despair for the future, completely broke down her already fragile mental defenses.
Her industry was completely eliminated in the wave of economic transformation; the market was cold and no one cared. The once-active industry exchange groups had long since disbanded. Ten years of work experience and accumulated knowledge seemed to have become worthless overnight. Changing careers in middle age is no easy task. The only way to completely change careers was to change her major, but after a long academic journey, she would only be a novice in her forties. How could she compete with younger people in the same industry? She was afraid—afraid that when her son grew up, he would look down on his mother, who had no social standing and could no longer provide him with a superior upbringing.
Even more devastating was Ji Moli's deep-seated ambition, rooted in a strained parent-child relationship. Her parents' values were like an invisible mountain, suffocating her from a young age. No matter how hard she tried, she never seemed to gain genuine acceptance from her family. Even after years of working hard in a big city with her husband far from home, her parents' complaints about her not listening to them and taking the civil service exam, along with the unspoken message of "Look at you now…," still haunted her like a curse. In her moments of despair, facing her increasingly haggard reflection in the mirror, she felt both guilty for causing her aging parents worry and resentful of her own incompetence.
Her marriage to her husband, spanning over a decade, had long been worn down by the mundane realities of daily life and its pressures, leaving only a sense of responsibility and habit. Friends and family seemed to distance themselves, intentionally or unintentionally, after she lost her job. The profound helplessness she felt towards her mediocre life and the suffocating feeling of having nowhere to escape ultimately pushed her to the brink of despair. Tormented by both her own delusions and reality, she overdosed on sleeping pills…
The hospital stay allowed Ji Moli's body and mind to slowly recover. Her family's attitude also changed dramatically. Her husband took a long holiday to stay with her every night, and her parents came from their hometown. Although they were still worried and a little nagging, their eyes were full of genuine care. Her son would be brought to the hospital every weekend to try to cheer his mother up in his innocent way.
One afternoon, warm sunlight streamed through the hospital room window, and Moli felt that she had regained sensation in most of her limbs. She tried to move her fingers and slowly raised her arm. A sense of relief, as if she had survived a close call, welled up inside her.
Fortunately, I am still alive.
Thankfully, my son is still alive and healthy in front of me.
Fortunately, my parents still care about me.
Fortunately, my husband did not abandon me.
As she gazed at the clear sky outside the window, the resilient soul belonging to "Huairou" in her heart seemed to slowly overlap with "Moli" at this moment.
This is a healing "beautiful dream," a dream that soothes her unfulfilled desires in real life and gives her a chance to choose her life again.
In her dream, she realized that she should be with her child herself. She saw in Yunji the harm that the lack of maternal love in childhood can cause. Not everyone is as lucky as Yunji to meet someone who cares for them as wholeheartedly as a mother. No matter how good the private school is, it is not as good as letting a child live with their own mother.
In her dream, she also understood that every identity and role has its limitations, and everything she once envied was not a necessary choice for happiness, especially for those who possess and strive for the highest status. For example, Zhen Jiancheng, the emperor's identity destined him to choose only those related to maintaining power. Forcing himself to be with Huairou would only harm Huairou's autonomy. As long as the imperial power existed, so did the marriage, and both the imperial power and the marriage became shackles that bound him to love but not to have.
Even someone as outstanding as her own son, faced with the destiny of pursuing a top-tier status, could only solidify his position through marriage, having almost no freedom to express love before marriage. Having faced an unbearable fate in the palace since childhood, even escaping the bullying of his brothers was difficult, let alone providing happiness for the one he loved.
In her dream, Ji Moli also found peace with the absence of family. Even with a brother like Qi Yu, living separately was the inevitable outcome of life. Therefore, the estrangement between Moli and her brother in reality was normal, and it was also beautiful that they retained their childhood memories.
In her dream, having experienced the ultimate warmth, Moli also found peace with her parents. Huairou's parents were open-minded and magnanimous because both were top-tier in status and ability, providing their children with ample confidence and security. Moli's parents' harsh words towards her might stem from their own impoverished childhoods; they couldn't offer what they themselves had never possessed, or perhaps it was simply because they lacked the wealth and status to pass on to their children, thus forcing them to hold them to high standards to ensure their child's self-preservation.
Love is still beautiful, Moli thought. What does it matter if it's ordinary? What does it matter if it's extraordinary? She pondered silently. Even in that dream, where she was born extraordinary like Huairou, the daughter of a military family, didn't she still face the dilemma of not being able to stay with her beloved? She accepted her and her husband's ordinariness, seeing his tolerance and unwavering support, just like Binghui's. She had been with him because he gave her a sense of security and trust. She resolved to use this period of separation to cultivate her life, bringing her child home from boarding school to personally care for and raise, making up for the lost joys of life with her love for it, and learning to reconcile with herself and her husband. Perhaps it's easier to find happiness living with ordinary people.
However, the change in her identity and the help from those around her did indeed give Moli a sense of success she had never experienced in real life. It was the same person; the desire for self-worth was fulfilled in her dream, but not in reality. Moli realized that it wasn't that she wasn't good enough in reality, but rather that success in many things is not only related to one's own abilities, but also closely linked to the environment and the help of others. Different environments and conditions exist; she had already done her best and shouldn't be too hard on herself. Others reached the other shore on cruise ships; she could also row a small boat and enjoy the scenery—that was wonderful too.
In a daze, she seemed to see again that vast land belonging to the memories of "Huairou," those "proletarian" peasants toiling in the fields, generation after generation, persevering and fighting in the torrent of history, watering the land with their sweat to produce food that fed the masses. Ultimately, they persevered until an era when peasants could also possess their own land and dignity. If they could still hold on and find a way to survive in adversity, why should I, Ji Moli, sink into despair?
At this moment, looking at her husband's tired but persistent figure by the bedside, listening to the faint laughter of her son and his friends who came to visit him outside the window, and feeling the taste of the hometown snacks that her parents brought, which she loved to eat as a child... she felt that what she had was not bad either.
The courage to live is like a tender sprout emerging from a crack in the rock; though weak, it tenaciously points towards the sunlight.
The dream is over. The road must continue.
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