Chapter 76 I'm in the Back Mountain
[Ayu, will you bring sunscreen tomorrow?]
[I have spicy noodles here, would you like some, Ayu?]
[The teacher said it will take another hour. Does A-Yu want to play cards?]
At night, my consciousness merged with my dream again, as if rewarded for glimpsing a partial truth. I sat on a slightly bumpy bus, the inky shadows of trees drifting outside the window. People in uniforms gathered around me, their faces blurred, as if through a layer of steam. Only their voices were piercingly clear, calling my name affectionately and speaking those trivial, everyday words.
I didn't feel terrified at all; I even felt a sense of familiarity. But when I tried to ask who they were, my voice got stuck in my throat, becoming only a faint whisper. And in that instant, all the noise abruptly ceased.
Time stood still at that moment. The figures, once laughing and noisy, froze in place, their heads turning towards me as if mechanically. Their pale, featureless faces, as if forcibly etched by some force, slowly split open three dark, bottomless holes. The black hole at the bottom began to wriggle, opening and closing, uttering a uniform, incantatory question:
[Ayu, why aren't you here?]
[Ayu, why aren't you here?]
[Ayu, why aren't you here?]
A cold shiver ran up his spine.
Yeah, why am I not here?
The missing person in Class 2, the extra person in Class 3, turned out to be me. This illusion woven around me, clumsily trying to put me back in my "right" place, was full of holes. It "resurrected" me in a self-deception-like way.
But is the so-called "correct" position really correct?
The source of this obsession, I think, is Wu You. In my short life, the only important people are my mother and her.
Thinking of Wu Youxian's previous hesitation and those temptations wrapped in worry, I am almost certain that she knows something.
The next morning, Wu You and I walked side by side on the road to school. The morning light filtered through the branches, casting dappled shadows on her face. I was just considering how to speak when she spoke first, her voice as soft as a gust of wind that could dissipate at any moment:
"Ayu, will you leave us?"
I vaguely remember her asking this question.
What was my response? I can't remember. Or maybe I didn't respond at all.
This time, she didn't quickly brush the question aside. She paused, turned, and locked eyes with me, a look of vulnerability almost pleading. I knew exactly the answer she desired. But could this illusion last forever?
"Ayou," my voice was unexpectedly calm, even with a hint of unbearable sharpness, "What kind of answer do you want to hear from me?"
This sentence was like a needle, easily piercing the calmness she had tried so hard to maintain. Her eyes instantly turned red, and crystal tears quickly gathered, threatening to fall out of those eyes that were always filled with smiles.
"Isn't this kind of life good?" Her voice was choked with sobs, and every word seemed to be squeezed out. "Why... why do you have to pursue the truth? Isn't it better to just stay here? Ah Yu, please, even if you have to lie to me..."
She truly knew everything. She'd been watching all my so-called investigations these past few days. She'd simply been cooperating with me, maintaining this fragile balance until it could no longer be maintained.
Wu You, you asked me to lie to you, but you yourself didn't keep lying, did you?
Looking at her eyes, filled with tears and threatening to break at any moment, my hardened heart instantly softened. I reached out and pulled her tightly into my arms. I could feel the subtle trembling of her frail shoulders.
Wu You, my best and only friend.
"But, Ah You," I leaned close to her ear, my voice as low as a sigh, but very clear, "I'm already dead."
Wu You trembled violently in my arms, as if burned by these words. After a long silence, she finally broke down, tears silently pouring out, soaking my shoulder.
I don’t know if this all-too-real illusion stems from her strong obsession. Perhaps because she couldn’t accept my departure, she went astray and tried to call me back in an unconventional way, but only created this cage that trapped herself.
Okay, that's bullshit.
But most likely not?
Dear friends, we will eventually be like cicadas in summer, shedding our childhood bodies, growing up, and then inevitably cooling our enthusiasm and entering a complex world.
But Wu You will continue to move forward and experience all of this. As for me, my time, my years, and all my possibilities are forever frozen in this year.
Well, that's it. Maybe, it's not so bad.
…
Even though I knew I was supposed to be in Class 2 and should have died, I still didn't know how to leave this illusion.
Little Lotus listened to what I said and remained silent for a long time.
I looked at him, and he slowly uttered a word.
"Perhaps, you are hesitating."
I was stunned. A little surprised he'd say that. My heart was wavering, and I hesitated. Was I still clinging to this illusion?
Possible.
In this fantasy world, there are my mother and my only good friend. Even though I know it is fake, I still can't help but be greedy for this warmth.
Being pointed out so bluntly by Little Lotus, I naturally felt a little unhappy. I asked him back, "Don't you know how to do it?"
There is no Li Jing in this world, only him and Madam Yin. Isn't he greedy for such a beautiful world?
Unexpectedly, Little Lotus squatted down, her eyes level with mine, her expression serious and firm: "Ayu, I'm already past this age."
I:……
What age? Mom's age? His words seemed to widen the distance between us, making me feel childish.
"I have other people I'm greedy for now."
I:……
I didn’t say the above.
Little Lotus quickly looked away, only the exposed roots of her ears turned slightly red.
I coughed lightly and said, "Ayou told me that it was her obsession that created this illusion. At first, she wanted to change the time of the outing, but perhaps the change was too great, so she failed. Then she changed my class, thinking that would prevent me from dying in a car accident. But in the end, it was just self-deception. What has already happened cannot be changed no matter how much. There will always be loopholes in some subtle details, just like this monthly exam list."
Unfortunately, this is just an illusion.
The essence of illusion is illusion.
So no matter how much you change, you can't change the essence.
And Wu You's explanation didn't solve the mystery. For example, how did obsession form an illusion? She herself didn't understand this. She said she woke up one day and found me in Class 2.
Rather than an obsession, perhaps this is also a dream of hers.
Little Lotus slumped back in his chair. He said, "Obsession creates an illusion. This isn't something an ordinary person can do."
Right, it’s not like I’m a literary giant O-dog, who has a book that can make anything I write come true.
"And maintaining an illusion is no easy task."
I have something to say about this.
"My body is right here."
Little Lotus: ...
He rarely showed a choked expression.
I'm fine with this. It's just my own corpse. What's so scary about it?
...It does seem a bit scary.
I remember seeing a topic on the Internet often: What should you do if you die alone without children?
Most people are quite open-minded. Death is death, and there's nothing much to worry about after death. As for the corpse rotting, the deceased doesn't need to worry about it. It's a bit immoral, but after all, morality doesn't seem to be very useful.
In the past I just laughed it off.
Now, the boomerang has hit me.
When I die, I will have to find my own corpse and face my rotten and smelly self.
I felt like I was about to break.
Little Lotus asked, "Where?"
I pointed in a direction: "The mountain behind the school."
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