Chapter 120 Her crying still lingers...
She still cries with restraint; her voice is very soft, with only some uncontrollable sobs, and no real crying.
"Don't cry." Cheng Mingdu's voice was low and hoarse, with a slight tremor that seemed almost imperceptible. "It will make you feel even worse."
She wiped her tears on his pajamas, her voice broken and fragmented: "Losing you is what truly hurts me..."
Cheng Mingdu was speechless for a moment, his right hand hovering there, unsure whether to touch the back of her head or hug her; he simply didn't know where to put it.
"That's good." Her eyes were red and swollen as she rested her forehead against his chest, her voice muffled, but she knew this was one of the few times she could be willful.
He lowered his eyes, his eyelashes casting a faint shadow that trembled gently on the top of her hair. He didn't even dare to take a deep breath, afraid that the slightest movement would shatter something.
She didn't know how much time had passed, but her sobs gradually subsided.
"Aying," he called her softly, his voice barely audible.
"Um."
"Don't beg me like that again."
She stopped abruptly, instinctively becoming alert, as if waiting for him to continue.
He looked down at her profile. Her tear tracks were still wet, and her eyes were still a little red. She was clearly much stronger than her peers, but at this moment she seemed like that timid child who stood next to Jiang Xinxue back then.
She was once rebellious at heart, but in order to survive, she instinctively tried to please everyone.
He spent many years trying to give her the confidence to survive, so that she could fight back against injustice, and she did succeed, although she almost went astray.
“You have to believe… no matter what, our relationship isn’t getting any more distant, and you’ll never need to beg me.” He paused for a moment, then added, “Of course, you shouldn’t beg anyone either.”
His voice was so gentle yet firm; no wonder she had occasionally heard that the Cheng family of Rongcheng had been gentlemen for generations.
Tears welled up again, and he raised his hand to wipe them away with his slender, white fingers.
The movements were so gentle that they even made her feel somewhat lost.
But the next second, his fingers slid off her face and landed back on the corner of the blanket, creating another layer of distance between them.
As he prepared to put her back in bed, she instinctively reached out and grabbed the hem of his clothes as he got up.
Cheng Mingdu's body stiffened.
“Can’t you come up and lie down with me? We’re both sick anyway,” she said softly, using a weak argument.
He didn't move or refuse; he just stood there quietly, letting her hand, which wasn't receiving an IV, hold him tightly.
“We’re siblings, we haven’t done anything inappropriate, right? Can’t we go back to how things were before…” Her voice trailed off with a sob, and for a moment she sounded a little aggrieved.
Cheng Mingdu looked down at her wet eyelashes and anxious eyes, a hint of reluctance in his eyes, but he said solemnly, "Even so, it won't work."
His answer ultimately and decisively ended her hopes.
Her hand was still clutching the hem of his clothes, her strength gradually waning, yet she couldn't bear to let go.
"Why?" she asked, looking at him intently.
Is it because... he himself is not pure?
He was momentarily startled by this fleeting thought.
He pondered for a moment, then looked at her, as if searching for an answer that could settle things between the two of them, but no words could adequately describe the situation.
He sighed and said, "You should go to university. There's a whole new life there, and you can experience more people and things, instead of being stuck with me and being drained by me."
“But that’s not called exhaustion,” she retorted almost immediately, bewildered. “Do you really think there’s anyone in the world who treats me better than you and is willing to be my lover?”
"Aying..." he called her name, interrupting her absurd words, his tone tinged with a lingering helplessness, "You need time to distinguish between dependence and love..."
“I give you survival and a life, but there is a huge disparity between us in terms of age and experience. Do you know why many universities explicitly prohibit teacher-student relationships? Because when the power of the two parties is unequal, there is no equal relationship, and coercion is also derived from inequality.”
“But now, I’m the one coercing you.” She understood the logic; she knew Cheng Mingdu’s bottom line in this regard.
In her view, Cheng Mingdu was a civilized man who would not do anything underhanded. Equality was not the barrier between them; rather, it was her deep-seated inferiority complex. As she spoke, she lowered her eyes, her expression quiet to the point of being submissive.
"I was just momentarily out of balance, or maybe I've been out of balance for a while." She decisively let go of his hand, turned over and wrapped herself tightly in the blanket, her back to Cheng Mingdu, tears trembling in her eyes.
She felt the worried yet restrained gaze behind her, hardened her heart, and said, "Go ahead, but close the door behind you."
She never went up to the third floor again.
Ye Yuying got up very early the next day and didn't mention the previous night's events again.
She cooperated well with the doctor in taking her temperature and receiving IV fluids. She stopped crying, although her eyes were still a little red. Everything was calm, as if nothing had happened.
She bought a set of materials on advanced mathematics and basic programming online and did some preliminary study of the basic courses before the start of the semester.
The students at Tsinghua University are all elites selected from their respective provinces, and she knew very well that her own level was nothing special.
A few days later, the books arrived, and she was able to get out of bed sometimes, put on her coat, and go for a walk by the lake. She spent the rest of her free time studying.
There was no cold war between her and Cheng Mingdu; they were just recuperating, and her aunt didn't notice anything amiss.
Ye Yuying's pen scratched softly on the paper.
Cheng Mingdu walked down the corridor, intending to retrieve some documents, but stopped at the door for a few seconds.
He saw through the crack of the half-open door that sunlight fell on her hair. She was deriving formulas at her desk, with stray hairs falling down her forehead, as if she were gently enveloped in light.
Her world seemed to have returned to a self-sufficient state; she no longer clung to people, no longer cried or made a fuss, and no longer mentioned any taboo words about liking someone.
She regained her quietness, obedience, and self-discipline, even more completely than anyone else.
She didn't deliberately avoid him, but the two of them just couldn't seem to run into each other, even though they were in the same house.
To practice programming on a more comfortable mechanical keyboard, Ye Yuying moved her study to another study on the third floor.
She locked herself in her study all day, as if only extremely intensive studying could soothe the cracks and emptiness in her heart.
The night was already deep.
The lights downstairs were turned off early, leaving only a dim yellow light coming from the study on the third floor.
The computer screen had turned into a screensaver, and a cool breeze was seeping in through the cracks in the window that hadn't been closed completely.
Ye Yuying remained seated, motionless.
Cheng Mingdu knocked on the door, but there was no response.
A bad feeling crept over him, and in a moment of panic, he frowned, pushed open the door, and strode inside.
The girl was half-lying on the table, her face flushed an unnatural red, a few strands of hair stuck to her temples, and her breathing was shallow and rapid.
He stepped forward and touched her forehead, almost startled by the heat.
"Why do you have a fever again?"
He murmured softly, his tone filled with barely suppressed reproach and anxiety.
Ye Yuying seemed to hear her and tried to look up, but could only utter a weak voice: "I thought... I had recovered."
Her voice was so soft it was almost inaudible.
Cheng Mingdu didn't say anything more, but half-lifted her up and draped his coat over her shoulders.
At that moment, her body felt as light as a sheet of paper in his arms.
She leaned against him, her breath hot and tinged with his, and she felt completely disoriented.
Cheng Mingdu lowered his head, his voice extremely low: "You're not fully recovered yet, why did you go out in the wind again?"
She didn't answer, but just lowered her eyes, quietly shrinking back, her face tense, as if she was enduring something.
"I can't stay idle, otherwise my mind will wander, which makes me even more miserable," she explained in a rambling manner, outlining her reasons for doing so.
He stared at her without moving, his expression changing very slowly in the light and shadow.
"Can you still walk?"
Ye Yuying didn't say anything more, she just curled up slightly.
She remained where she was, sighing softly in her dazed state. Some of the pain seemed to subside after she sighed it out.
She sighed again and again, shifted her feet slightly, and shook her head inexplicably.
She looked up at him, her voice moist, and said solemnly, "I'm about to go to university. After that, I'll stay in the capital to work. So, all things considered, we don't have many days left to spend together."
"Don't you want to go back to Rongcheng? The salary here is no worse than in Beicheng..." he asked, unaware of his own subtle unease.
Ye Yuying's smile was somewhat weary. She shook her head and choked up, "It's not like that. This affection is too heavy. I've endured so much hardship all these years."
Her thoughts flashed back to her junior high school days, "Do you remember that time I beat someone up in an alley and made their head bleed?"
“You didn’t ask me why, did you?” she said. “And you couldn’t possibly know the reason.”
Cheng Mingdu's heart skipped a beat, and he opened his lips to say, "Go on."
She said, "I could tolerate them hitting me and humiliating me, but they stole my love letters and threatened me with my feelings for you... I was terrified. Their bullying intensified, forcing me to stand in front of the department store with my top off... I couldn't take it anymore..."
She closed her eyes, two lines of tears slid down her cheeks, and her voice trembled: "I think my greatest sin was having this thought. Now it's all right, I've finally made up my mind to stay away from you."
"Why didn't you tell me back then that I would protect you unconditionally..." His voice became hoarse as he spoke.
She turned her head away, avoiding his outstretched hand. "I can't say it. Just like now, the truth will only bring me more suffering, maybe even worse than school bullying."
"Many of my unusual behaviors during my teenage years were related to my feelings for you. I was like a thief, always sneaking around and only daring to glance at you out of the corner of my eye. It was so embarrassing."
She looked up at him and found that he was closer to her than usual. He was supporting her to accommodate her height, and he had slightly bent his back. His breath slowly escaped from his throat, making her ears itch.
Tears welled up in her eyes again, and she could barely see his face.
She raised her hand, her fingertips lightly touching his lapel.
“Cheng Mingdu,” she called softly, her voice almost a whisper, “you no longer need to respond, nor explain…”
Her breathing was so light that it almost overlapped with the rise and fall of his chest.
“One kiss and two kisses… there’s really no difference, right?” she asked softly, slowly rising on her tiptoes.
Cheng Mingdu's Adam's apple bobbed slightly, and after a moment he spoke, his voice clear and melodious: "But you've already kissed me twice."
She was initially confused, "Wasn't that on the ship..."
"You bit me after you drank." He paused, his gaze falling on her lips before quickly shifting away.
The air suddenly became extremely still.
Ye Yuying was stunned for several seconds, as if she was trying hard to recall the details of that night.
"So it wasn't a dream after all," she said softly.
"It's true."
The light diffused across his profile, and she suddenly felt that all her dreams, repressions, and desires had found their source in that moment.
She breathed softly, her eyelashes trembling a few times, and leaned closer again, this time with even greater courage. "So, what's one more time?"
After saying that, she stood on tiptoe and kissed his lips very lightly.
That kiss was neither skillful nor tentative.
It was just a barely perceptible touch.
In that instant, Cheng Mingdu's pupils contracted sharply.
Just as she was about to leave, satisfied, a large hand suddenly grabbed the back of her head and used even more aggressive force to immobilize her.
In the end, it wasn't her who chose to deepen the kiss.
In that instant, all restraint collapsed.
His fingers tightened slightly, his fingertips touching the soft warmth of her hair.
She froze, her eyes filled with increasing confusion, and asked absentmindedly, "Why, when I was about to give up..."
He reached out and grabbed her chin, saying in a low voice, "Don't speak."
The lights were very dim, and the wind outside the window rustled softly.
This time, he took the initiative, and his kisses were more intense than his own, filled with desire and tension, completely unlike his usual self.
This time, she was on the defensive. Her mind went blank for a moment, and her breathing became rapid, but she didn't push him away. She just stared blankly up at him, her face gradually being swallowed up by his breath.
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