Chapter 134 I'm sorry, why am I so sad? ...
An old man and a young man were whispering in the main room. Although they kept their voices down, they couldn't escape Zhou Yaren's ears. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, but they were talking about Bai Yuan.
Under Elder He's guidance, Lin Mu was pounding herbs, specifically for Ting Fengzhi's external application. As he pounded, he said, "She said the Taihang Mountains treat you like rabbits."
"Outrageous! How dare she speak like that!" Elder He had been having Lin Mu recount their journey in detail for days, and they were currently discussing the massacre of the city by Prince Jing'an in the Jingguan, as well as the absurd words uttered by Bai Yuan. Every time Elder He heard these words, he would get angry. "What else did she say to you?"
Lin Mu recounted Bai Yuan's words in detail: "She said, 'Which founding emperor wasn't a ruthless and decisive person? You bunch of rabbits who crawled out of the deep mountains and forests... why do you have to argue about the right and wrong of a warlord in a chaotic era? You're just worrying about things that don't concern you.'"
Zhou Yaren laughed when she heard this, because the boy spoke it perfectly, even mimicking Bai Yuan's tone at the time.
Elder He clicked his tongue. What he said made sense, but the Taihang Sect never taught their children that way. Right and wrong were always judged and debated first, with a life-or-death struggle. As a result, the boys they raised were all black and white, and hated evil as if it were their enemy.
Lin Mu continued, “She also said that if you win, you’re a savior; if you lose, you’re a villain in a chaotic world! The winner is king, the loser is a bandit. It’s not very clear. Since ancient times, heroes have been judged by success or failure. Don’t listen to your masters who spout so much benevolence and morality.”
Elder He wanted to retort, but he wasn't the kind of master who spouted platitudes about benevolence and morality, so he didn't feel the issue was directed at him and let it go. After all, plenty of evidence proved that the woman wasn't entirely talking nonsense. But then again, children without a high level of understanding absolutely shouldn't be taught like that! They'd be taught to be brave and aggressive, to be vicious and wicked, to think they were invincible and could do whatever they wanted. What if they grew up to be morally bankrupt or treacherous? Wouldn't the world be in chaos? Bamboo shoots can't grow crooked, so benevolence and morality must be instilled in their hearts to properly shape their humanity and character, and maintain world order.
At this point, Lin Mu rested his cheek on his hand and reflected, "I also feel like a rabbit."
Elder He couldn't refute this either; this kid was a perfect rabbit. But then he said, "What? You believed her nonsense and now you think your master is a big liar?!"
How could it be nonsense? Lin Mu shook his head: "No, you can't generalize about everything. I think she just likes to make sarcastic remarks and always picks on the bad side. It may sound a bit one-sided and arbitrary at first glance, but there is actually a deeper meaning in her words."
Elder He rolled his eyes at him: "Deeper meaning? What deeper meaning?"
"She is pointing out another angle that we haven't seen, telling me how complex, realistic, treacherous, and cruel the world is, and reminding us to always be vigilant and not to be too innocent."
"Good heavens, you're even interpreting this? Didn't we old folks teach you these things?! We've been chanting sutras to you every day about how treacherous the world is, we've practically worn our lips out, and you little brat, you can't hear us, can you? You're just swatting mosquitoes with your ears, aren't you?"
As a result, he can take any sarcastic remark from an outsider to heart and remember it to the core.
But Elder He understood the principle that practice makes perfect all too well. Only by letting these youngsters truly experience things could they understand the words and actions of others, discern and comprehend them in the process, strengthen their resolve, and grow into towering trees. This was a grand transformation; only when they were strong enough could they protect themselves and the people and things they wanted to protect.
Forget about grand ideals like revitalizing the sect. Everyone has an upper limit to their abilities, so Elder He never makes empty promises to the younger generation. He has always been a pragmatist. If this kid is destined to be mediocre, it would be good enough if he didn't go out and embarrass himself. Why let him indulge in daydreams beyond his capabilities?
The arrogant Elder He looked at the boy from all angles and thought he was a good-for-nothing. Putting everything else aside, he was not even good at doing odd jobs and was also a bit dim-witted. Just seeing him splattering medicine all over his sleeves and the table while grinding medicine made Elder He very unhappy. He could hardly do anything right.
"Of course I heard you..."
Elder He didn't want to hear his excuses and waved his hand impatiently: "Alright, that's enough. Go change Tingfengzhi's dressing."
Lin Mu scraped the medicine juice from the stone mortar into a small dish, and went to change the medicine with the bamboo strips. At this moment, Xiao Yuan's older brother, who was helping to fetch water, came back from outside. Lin Mu quickly put down the medicine dish, went to lift the lid of the water tank, and helped the farmer pour the water into the tank. After he finished thanking him and turned around, he saw Bai Yuan pick up the medicine dish and go into the house.
Lin Mu went into the kitchen, fetched a basin of warm water, and brought it over. He listened to the wind and loosened his belt, unwrapping the bandages binding his wound.
It was a body covered in wounds, and Lin Mu had been taking meticulous care of it for the past few days. Every time he saw it, he was shocked.
Bai Yuan said, "Let me do it."
Lin Mu handed over a wrung-out cloth: "This is a bit difficult to clean, do you need my help?"
"Need not."
Lin Mu left the house, stood there for a moment to think, and then closed the door behind him.
Bai Yuan bent down and began to clean Zhou Yaren's wounds, wiping away the blood-stained medicine stains from the edges.
The room was silent. Zhou Yaren's chest and abdomen rose and fell slowly under Bai Yuan's hand as she breathed.
She stared at her slightly tense body and asked, "Does it hurt?"
This was a delicate task, and Bai Yuan believed he had already used very gentle methods.
Zhou Yaren said, "It doesn't hurt."
"How could it not hurt when you're injured like this?" She noticed that Zhou Yaren had a habit of putting on a brave face in these situations.
"And you?" Zhou Yaren countered, "Does it hurt?"
He simply laughed off the injustice.
Zhou Yaren pressed further, "You were injured by the Heavenly Tiger Constellation before, and also by the Autumn Execution Blade. How are your wounds?"
Bai Yuan didn't look up, focusing on cleaning his wounds: "I'm not like you."
Zhou Yaren: "What's the difference?"
Bai Yuan: "Different constitutions."
Zhou Yaren stared at her: "May I take a look?"
Bai Yuan chuckled lightly: "What, you want to have your body examined? That's a bit presumptuous."
“It’s not a physical examination,” Zhou Yaren corrected, “I’m just looking at the injuries.”
Bai Yuan: "No wounds were left."
Zhou Yaren didn't believe her: "Let me see."
Bai Yuan teased, "You still want to see if there are no wounds? Do you want to see something else?"
Zhou Yaren: "..."
He had every reason to suspect that Bai Yuan was trying to gloss over the matter with a joke, so he insisted, "I'm not reassured."
Bai Yuan hadn't expected him to be so difficult to deal with: "Do you think I would lie to you?"
"Yes." Because they were afraid of worrying each other, neither of them was very honest about this. Zhou Yaren reiterated, "You would lie to me."
Bai Yuan finally raised his eyes: "Is this never going to end?"
Zhou Yaren met his gaze silently, as if the matter was far from over.
After a brief stalemate, Bai Yuan gave in to his gaze, sighed inwardly, and said, "It's just a few marks from the torture, nothing serious."
Sure enough, he knew Bai Yuan would lie. She spoke so lightly, but her injuries were definitely not minor: "Let me see."
If she had known Zhou Yaren was going to put on this show, she wouldn't have come. Bai Yuan simply stood up and said, "Let Sanmu change your dressing instead."
Zhou Yaren grabbed her wrist and pleaded, "You've been wronged."
Bai Yuan lowered his eyes, his gaze tilting downwards: "I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid you'd give me another dose of medicine mixed with talisman ash, which I couldn't handle."
Zhou Yaren frowned. Even though he had no ill intentions at the time, she still felt extremely guilty. If it weren't for his medicine powder mixed with talisman ash sealing Bai Yuan's spiritual veins, she wouldn't have been in such a passive position.
Bai Yuan was so badly injured and driven to the brink of despair by Xu Zhangfang, and he bears a great deal of responsibility for this.
These days, he has never dared to think about it too deeply. He is terrified that if... he will never be able to forgive himself.
Zhou Yaren felt a sharp pain in his heart, like being pricked by needles. He even felt that he was not qualified to hold Bai Yuan back, so he let go of her hand and said, "I'm sorry."
Seeing Zhou Yaren's mood suddenly drop, Bai Yuan realized he had brought up a sore spot. She had only said it casually and didn't mean to blame him.
Bai Yuan sat back down: "Calm down, I'll change your medicine for you."
Zhou Yaren, however, said, "Let Miki come."
Bai Yuan sat and stared at him for a moment, then immediately lost his temper: "What's wrong?"
Zhou Yaren avoided eye contact as if to hide her feelings: "Don't get your hands dirty."
These words really have an indescribable feel to them, like a quarrel, but not quite. Anyway, it feels very complicated, and I can't quite put my finger on it.
She had been helpless against He Yan before, but now she was trying to deal with Zhou Yaren's emotions. She didn't want to still be unable to handle Zhou Yaren after all these years.
Bai Yuan paused for a moment before saying, "If you feel uncomfortable, just say it."
Zhou Yaren looked at her; Bai Yuan's eyes seemed to encompass everything.
Why?
Why does Bai Yuan look at me like that?
Aren't you angry with me?
As expected, Bai Yuan said nonchalantly, "It's nothing serious, I don't blame you."
"What constitutes a major event? Isn't a matter of life and death a major event? Bai Yuan, if I hadn't sealed your spiritual veins, you wouldn't have suffered this crisis and severe injury. I'd rather you blame me." He recalled Bai Yuan's words at Fengling Ferry: "I've lived enough too." He spoke of it so casually, and then went to his death without a care. This made Zhou Yaren's heart feel like it was being pricked by needles, a dense and painful sensation.
She had no attachment to life; she could face death with equanimity. She seemed to have no worries, so she disregarded life and death.
This was something that Zhou Yaren found extremely terrifying, because he wanted to hold onto Bai Yuan. At that time, he wishfully wanted to become her attachment in this world. He wanted to be the thread that held onto Bai Yuan, so that when she faced life-or-death crises in the future, she wouldn't be so resolute in choosing to fight to the death because she couldn't bear to let go.
However, he also became the one who put Bai Yuan in danger and pushed him to his death, causing Zhou Yaren great suffering.
"Why are you getting so hung up on this?" Bai Yuan had to use his words to enlighten him. "Weren't you helping me heal my injuries? At that time, you didn't know the truth and had to be wary of me. You had no idea that something like this would happen in Fengling. Besides, you risked your life to protect my essence."
Without thinking, Zhou Yaren blurted out, "My life was also saved by you."
"It's a way of looking out for each other. Since we've been through life and death together, I'll let bygones be bygones. You should also try to be more open-minded and not be so stubborn."
Zhou Yaren originally wanted to cry, but Bai Yuan's few words of comfort left her both amused and exasperated: "Am I being stubborn?"
"It's alright, try not to be so hard on yourself." Bai Yuan scooped up a bamboo strip of freshly ground herbal juice, brought it to his nose and smelled it. It contained several crushed herbs, was very viscous, and had a slightly bitter and fishy smell.
"A white injustice."
"Hmm?" Bai Yuan bent down and evenly applied the medicine to the cleaned wound.
Do you like He Yan?
The bamboo strip unexpectedly poked his wound, and Zhou Yaren hissed as she looked to see Bai Yuan's reaction.
He overheard He Yan asking in a hurried moment during the report of the Death Umbrella incident, "Bai Yuan, do you like..."
These unspoken words remained lingering in Zhou Ya's heart.
"What do you want to hear?" Bai Yuan asked him. "Do you like it? Or don't you like it?"
What do you mean by "what he wants to hear"? Zhou Yaren suddenly felt a lump in her throat for a moment: "I want to hear the truth."
Bai Yuan held the bamboo strips in silence for a long time. His gaze was unfocused for a moment before he turned his eyes to him and said, "Ya Ren, He Yan is dead."
In that instant, Bai Yuan's overwhelming grief, which he could not fully contain, pierced Zhou Yaren's heart like a sharp sword.
He suddenly felt extremely regretful.
He shouldn't have asked.
The person he really wanted to ask wasn't He Yan.
So the question, "Bai Yuan, do you like me?" became a fishbone stuck in his throat, and he could no longer ask it.
He Yan is dead, so what I get is the affection you continued for He Yan?
Why am I so sad?
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