Chapter 163
Bai Jingxuan once had a dream.
When she was still young and her family was happy, she dreamed of becoming a music artist.
Although her childhood memories are a little fuzzy, Bai Jingxuan can vaguely remember that she once had a music box when she was young. It seemed that it was a music box given to her by her parents. Whenever she was sick, the soothing and light music of the music box would liberate her from the pain.
Although she can only recall intermittent melodies now, it does not prevent her from having a good impression of music.
But later, her parents were killed by wild animals and Bai Jingxuan was sent to an orphanage. The music box in her memory was also lost in the accident and never appeared in Bai Jingxuan's life again.
The orphanage wasn't that bad, but it didn't have the ability to help her find her lost things. Even if a caregiver gave her another one according to her description, it was still a different thing and could no longer soothe her pain. Her dream became a dusty memory.
Perhaps, it was not just a dream. From a certain point in time that Bai Jingxuan herself did not notice, she lost her "desire".
The feeling of joy and anger has lost its coordinates, and the concept of good and evil has lost its scale. I don’t know why I am happy or sad, I can only observe the words and expressions of others and follow the emotions they express.
She is very well-behaved because she has nothing to resist; she is very quiet because she has no personal needs. She is like a doll without independent consciousness, seemingly imitating the human form, but inside there is nothing.
There were children of the same age who used the word "empty shell" to describe her. However, even when called that, Bai Jingxuan remained oblivious to it.
Why was she an empty shell? She didn't understand.
But she really didn't know what she wanted, a blank desire, a blank emotion. There was even nothing that could give her a direction to find her own existence.
She is like a ship lost in the deep sea, with the vast ocean all around her, and no difference can be seen in any direction. However, the name of the ship she is driving is "Self", and the name of the ocean around her is "Life".
Do I want money? Do I want fame? Do I want to be a doctor? Do I want to be a teacher? She kept asking and observing other people's dreams. Then she took these dreams and put them on her own body. Just like a customer who keeps trying on clothes in a clothing store, because she doesn't know what she wants, she is determined to try on all the clothes in the store, intending to find the one that suits her.
This confusion lasted until several months ago, until the welfare home was attacked and Mo Ke appeared in front of her.
Is "magical girl" the direction she wants to find, or the clothes she wants? Can becoming a magical girl help her find the emotions she has forgotten and the desires she has lost? Bai Jingxuan doesn't know the answer.
But whenever she recalled the moment when Sakura saved her, she would still feel longing and excitement, and feel fortunate and grateful. The feelings she had at that time seemed so vivid now, and it made her feel "alive" for the first time in a long time.
——"So, I told myself that I wanted to be a magical girl like Sakura-senpai."
Walking slowly on the streets of Lixing District, Bai Jingxuan said softly: "At least I was once moved and grateful for such behavior. Such emotions are not false."
"……I see."
Tian Sheng walked beside her and listened to Bai Jingxuan's story with a solemn expression: "Although I still can't remember the details now, but at that time, when you were in the orphanage, that's why you became a magical girl, right?"
"Yeah." Bai Jingxuan nodded.
The time was morning, and the location was near the "Lakeside Spring" community in Lixing District. Three weeks after the Full Moon Festival incident, the Strategy Bureau approved the third team's request to search the residential area, allowing them to go to "Lakeside Spring" to search for traces of Black Cinder Dawn.
On the way to Lakeside Spring, the third team ran into Bai Jingxuan who was patrolling there, and then there was a small tail behind their team.
As the team leader, Li Yingwei tried to persuade her repeatedly, but to little avail. The other team members also didn't know how to persuade a magical girl, so this troublesome task finally fell on Tian Sheng.
This made Tian Sheng suffer.
Because he didn't know how to communicate with Bai Jingxuan.
Although he used to be a caregiver in an orphanage and knew Bai Jingxuan, it was impossible for a male caregiver to take care of a girl's life closely, so he was not very familiar with her.
He just liked Bai Jingxuan because she was well-behaved and sensible, so he would chat with her from time to time. However, considering that a child living in an orphanage probably didn't want to talk about the past, the content of their chats was also the bland and trivial things in daily life, and they didn't deliberately touch on deeper things.
If Bai Jingxuan had not been very proactive and willing to tell him about her past stories, he probably wouldn't know what to say now.
"But the senior you mentioned has... passed away."
He tried hard to organize his words to avoid touching the other party's scars: "Black Cinder Dawn is very likely the murderer, so you hate them so much and want to catch them, right?"
"It's torture..."
Bai Jingxuan spoke seriously, but halfway through her words, she probably remembered something, lowered her eyes, and silently changed her words, "I will punish them."
"You were about to say that word again, weren't you?"
Tian Sheng scratched his head helplessly: "I don't understand, is this also the style of the 'Sakura-senpai' you mentioned?"
"No, that's what teachers do."
Bai Jingxuan raised her hand and clenched her fist: "But the teacher is Ying's teammate, and she did this for her. I think it's right, it's cool!"
"Even if that could be wrong?"
"It must be right, right?" Bai Jingxuan tilted her head.
“…That’s what she said, Chief.”
Sighing, Tian Sheng took out the phone from his other pocket and put it to his ear: "You heard it too, these are her reasons, I really can't persuade her."
After saying this, he remained silent, listening to the voice on the other end of the phone and nodding from time to time.
Then, he handed the phone to Bai Jingxuan, ignoring her shocked and aggrieved look as if she was looking at a traitor, and looked away, scratching his cheek and said, "Xiaoxuan, the director asked you to answer the phone."
Bai Jingxuan, who seemed fearless and had been talking at length before, suddenly took the phone listlessly, like a primary school student who had done something wrong.
Then, she glanced at Tian Sheng again with a heartbreaking look as if she were looking at a traitor, and answered the phone:
"Hey, Dad...Uncle."
2k, touch day.
Thanks to book friends Uncle Selling Pies and Alliance Leader Aitna Yinyue for their rewards, thanks to book friends Yue Youmeng, Insomniac Sweet Potato, and Helmsman West of Mujiang for their rewards, and thank all book friends for their support.
(End of this chapter)
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