Chapter 201 Anxiety
Lin Xiaolu sat at her desk, staring at her hands in a daze.
Only the desk lamp on the table was on in the room, so it was quite dim and the field of vision was very limited. However, Lin Xiaolu didn't care about that at this time.
Lost.
That was the only thought in her mind.
With the intention of teaching the other party a lesson and telling him not to look down on others, he accepted a seemingly simple competition. Then, he lost without any suspense.
The most important thing is that even if he lost, the opponent had a calm expression, as if winning over him was just a matter of course, so calm that it made people angry.
But what can you do if you are angry? Losing is losing, and the loser has no room for argument.
What happened before the loss? To be honest, Lin Xiaolu still hasn't figured it out.
She only remembered that she accepted Bai Ji's invitation, transformed, and then imitated the other party's method, constructed a simple magic ball in her hand, and crashed into it with confidence.
There is no other reason, it's just that simply by comparing the quality and quantity of magic power, she is more powerful than ordinary magical girls.
Being stuck at the seed level and unable to break through was certainly a bad thing, but a blessing in disguise, her magic power did not stop growing, not only that, it seemed to have formed a high-pressure effect, making her magic power have a similar "refined" effect. Specifically, with the same amount of magic power, the damage she caused would be more powerful.
Well, as long as the magical girl is not too far ahead of herself in the Kaihua stage, this "refined" magic power is theoretically not weaker than anyone else.
Before this, Lin Xiaolu had always maintained this understanding.
Until after the competition with Baiji.
In the past, when Lin Xiaolu was taught by Cuiqiao, Cuiqiao had instilled in her a conclusion, that is - magic power is equivalent to the extension of the magical girl's limbs.
This sentence is actually not difficult to understand. Just like for humans, tools are extensions of the body, magic is an exceptionally useful tool for magical girls. The principle is the same.
At the moment when the magic ball collided with the white thistle, Lin Xiaolu remembered these words again.
Because she suddenly realized that Delphinium's words might emphasize more than just the attribute of magic as a "tool".
What kind of feeling is that? It was just a collision of magic balls, but at the moment of collision, Lin Xiaolu felt a "sour and numb" touch.
It was as if the fingers had touched an electrically charged object, the tingling pain caused by the numbness and the subsequent stiffness, the illusory "touch" was fed back to the self through the magic, causing a series of out-of-control situations.
Electric shock.
This is Lin Xiaolu’s most intuitive feeling during the collision of the magic ball.
I had similar feelings before, that is, when I encountered a remnant beast, my magic power came into contact with the remnant beast, and I felt the burning sensation caused by being corroded. However, this burning sensation was not that strong, and it was not even as strong as the pain caused by a frontal attack in battle, so it was often covered up.
But the impact of Bai Ji at this time was far more than that. At that moment, Lin Xiaolu even felt that her magic power had become a weakness to attack. It was as if the feeling of "paralysis" was strengthened, allowing the magic power to bring the senses back to the magic source, and then from the magic source to the true form, and directly transmitted to the person.
The result was that the magic ball that Lin Xiaolu threw out with full confidence collapsed naturally in less than two seconds after colliding with Bai Ji.
The only one left was Lin Xiaolu, who was standing there with one hand stretched out stupidly, not even figuring out what was going on.
Bai Ji didn't say anything, but just shook his hand that was condensing the magic ball. He seemed to think that it was enough, so he canceled the transformation, turned around, pulled his suitcase, and walked into his room.
There is no need to say more about what happened afterwards.
Lin Xiaolu returned to her room in a daze, and she hadn't recovered until dinner time, and that has continued until now.
The reason for her disappointment was not just because of her loss, nor was it just because of the other party's contemptuous attitude. More importantly, the "anxiety" that she had been suppressing and ignoring in various ways finally broke out.
Ever since Xia Liangxian succeeded in his career and acquired his own magic outfit, this anxiety has never stopped.
Obviously, I was the first to become a magical girl, and I was the first to start learning. I was the first to do everything, so why was Xia Liang ahead of me in developing my abilities? This anxiety reached its peak after Bai Jingxuan awakened her magic suit.
If Xia Liang's behavior can be explained by "better talent", then why is Bai Jingxuan, who became a magical girl more than two months later, still ahead of him?
Yes, she still remembered that she had been able to use that special white magic, but that magic had only been used twice, when she encountered extremely dangerous enemies.
How did you use it? Will you be able to use it smoothly next time? Why can't you use it normally? Even if the quality and quantity of magic power have far exceeded the seed level, even exceeded the ordinary bud level, but without awakening your own magic equipment, the seed level is still just a "seed".
No matter how much I use words like "slow and steady wins the race" and "special constitution" to hypnotize myself and calm my heart, the anxiety still grows recklessly.
And this growing anxiety will eventually explode, and the battle with Bai Ji will become the final spark.
Lin Xiaolu realized something, something she had been deliberately ignoring, but was probably about to happen.
——Will I remain at the same species level and be unable to catch up with others?
Not to mention standing next to Cuiqiao, even Xia Liang and Bai Jingxuan will move further and further away. At that point, is it really necessary for me, who has always remained at the species level, to stay in this team?
When I thought of this, my heart seemed to be grabbed and a feeling of suffocation came over me.
She wanted to find the delphinium.
I want to cry and talk about my frustration after losing, I want to talk about my anxiety, I want to seek comfort, I want to seek encouragement, I want to get help.
I really want Delphinium to hold my hand and tell me "it's okay" just like when I was confused.
I can't express this feeling to my father, who was once quite strict but still an ordinary person; nor can I express this feeling to my teammates who are even younger than me.
At some point, when she was sad and had no way to express it, the first person in her mind had become Delphinium.
She is not only an admired senior but also a reliable elder. The gentleness beneath her indifference has already changed Lin Xiaolu. For her, who has lost her biological mother, Cuique is undoubtedly the person who is closest to the role of "mother" in her current life.
But, after all, Delphinium is not the “mother”.
She had always wanted to find out why Delphinium showed concern for her, and even came up with the outrageous conclusion that "the other party is in love with her father", which made her cover her face and scream at the thought, just because she wanted to confirm how strong the relationship between her and Delphinium is.
It is impossible for there to be too strong a dependence between ordinary seniors and juniors.
It is impossible for a normal teacher and his disciples to interfere in everything.
Only a stronger, more intimate, more unbreakable relationship...If not, my one-sided dependence will undoubtedly cause trouble to others.
That's why Lin Xiaolu resisted the urge to open the door and express all her emotions.
Because she didn't know what the bottom line of Delphinium's tolerance of herself was.
Just like what he is doing now, overestimating his own strength, accepting provocations from others without authorization and suffering defeat, and being rude to others at the dinner table, if in the end he still has to find Delphinium to cry to and want her to comfort him... that would be too inappropriate.
Even if she were to imagine herself, if there was such a troublesome junior, she would probably think that he was an annoyance, right?
She didn't want to, and didn't dare to try to disappoint Delphinium further. Recently, Delphinium seemed to be quite fond of Bai Jingxuan. If she became completely disappointed in her and gave up on her, she might as well just retire as a magical girl.
Chaotic thoughts formed a turbulence in her mind. She sat at the desk for an unknown amount of time, and even forgot the time.
After a long time, when the waning moon outside the window climbed high into the sky, there was another knocking sound at the door behind me.
Boom boom boom.
A crisp sound broke the silence and brought Lin Xiaolu back to reality from her thoughts.
Is it the delphinium again?
This was her first thought, but she quickly shook her head, feeling ashamed of such a weak thought. She took a deep breath to adjust the sound she made, and then she pretended nothing had happened and said:
"who?"
She had some guesses about who would come at this time. Cui Que was unlikely, so it could be Xia Liang or Bai Jingxuan. Could it be that stupid Mo Ke? It couldn't be those people from Bai'an City... She had already been so cold to them, so they definitely wouldn't be so kind to come to her.
However, the sound coming from outside the door was beyond her expectations after all.
"It's me."
It was a voice that Lin Xiaolu found unfamiliar at first, but she soon realized its identity.
You can tell the maturity of the owner of the voice, but there is still a bit of lightness that is almost girlish, and the voice is also extremely pleasant.
"I heard that my team members gave you trouble. I'm sorry. Do you want to come out and have a chat?"
——That was the voice of Margaret, the senior magical girl who had just appeared in front of him today and seemed to be Delphinium’s old partner.
…
…
On the fourth floor of the secret base, there is a large public balcony.
Although it is a balcony, its size should be designed to accommodate a small garden. However, no one in the Fangting City's magical girl team has a hobby in gardening, so it is left vacant and treated as an ordinary balcony.
Lin Xiaolu rarely comes here.
Rather, if it weren't for the invitation from this woman named Margaret, she probably wouldn't come here for several months.
Not only because her room is not on this floor, but also because her daily activities rarely involve the fourth floor, but also because it is too spacious here. Even if she wants to find a place to sit down and bask in the sun, this is hardly a good place.
Not to mention that it is winter now, and this balcony is extremely cold, so no one would come here for no reason.
Of course, if you want to have a relatively private conversation, such conditions will become a natural soundproof wall, effectively preventing the wall from having ears.
Presumably, this is why Margaret chose to talk here.
“…So cold.”
Touching the railing on the edge of the balcony, Lin Xiaolu subconsciously took a breath of cold air, then quickly withdrew her hand.
She looked around, but there was nothing on this balcony, nothing that could be called a point of attention, so she could only look away and look at the woman not far away: "So, what do you want me to do?"
The words were not at all friendly or respectful, but using the word "please" was already a sign of considerable restraint on Lin Xiaolu's part.
"It's nothing, I'm just a little curious about you."
Aso Yuanxiang smiled and pressed down with one hand, signaling Lin Xiaolu to relax: "Don't be so nervous, I'm not here with hostility, it's better to say that I stand on your side."
Lin Xiaolu said nothing, but the meaning revealed in her eyes was very clear, which was "What nonsense are you talking about?"
"Is it hard to believe?" asked Aso Yuanxiang.
"…Is that guy your student?"
Lin Xiaolu said with a complicated expression: "She won the fight with me, and you told me that you are on my side?"
"Well, there is no doubt that Bai Ji is indeed my student. To be exact, he should be the student I am most satisfied with."
Slightly turning sideways, Aso Yuanxiang looked up at the night sky: "But, because of this, I can't stand on her side in this matter today."
"Why?" Lin Xiaolu was puzzled.
"Because she was wrong about this."
Asou Yuanxiang sighed, "Since it has been made clear that the other party is a partner, magical girls should not engage in meaningless infighting, not to mention that she was the one who provoked first. If it were a team with stricter discipline, such behavior would have constituted the minimum punishment."
"No... I don't think our level of conflict can be considered a fight or an 'internal fight'..." Lin Xiaolu hesitated.
"That's the fight."
Aso Yuanxiang affirmed: "No matter what the degree or scale, when the fight between each other uses magic, then we must treat everyone equally."
After she said this, she looked at Lin Xiaolu's slightly helpless expression and softened her voice a little: "Is it hard to accept?"
"I don't quite understand..." Lin Xiaolu shook her head.
"Because in this world, there are quite a few magical girls. When they take action, it is difficult to define the impact they can cause by the 'amount' of magic power they use."
Aso Yuuka explained: "Although your competition only used a small amount of magic power, for some magical girls, such a small amount of magic power is enough to kill their colleagues. So, at that time, if she defends herself by saying 'I only used a little magic power', can she be forgiven?"
"……cannot?"
"Of course not."
Aso Yuanxiang smiled again: "So, for magical girls, the 'quality' and 'quantity' of magic power are important, but not that important. Because in battle, what is more important than the magic power itself is 'how the magic power is used'."
(End of this chapter)
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