Chapter 43 The Privilege Called "Willfulness"
The fact of "becoming a magical girl" was like a ray of light that shone into Xia Liang's original life, allowing her to find a way to save herself.
So much so that she agreed without any hesitation, without even considering whether she would have to pay anything.
"Because for me, that was the first time in all these years that I felt needed."
Looking at Delphinium, Xia Liang's eyes twinkled: "I am very lucky to have been invited by Xiaolu and you, the young seniors, at that time. It is a great surprise for me to become a magical girl. It is like a dream-like experience."
"Then why do you feel troubled now?" Cuique nodded and continued to ask questions calmly. However, after hearing Xia Liang's "story", her heart was far from being as calm as it appeared.
The reason why she didn't comfort him immediately was because she knew very well that Xia Liang had come a long way from the past to today, and she was able to maintain her current behavior instead of being completely swallowed up by past experiences and gloomy life. She must have been tempered in her character. She didn't need "sympathy".
She told herself this story not to solicit such useless feelings. Sympathy for personal suffering is only the most light and irresponsible cheap kindness.
If she and Xia Liang were strangers and had only heard about a tragic event in the social news, she would express her sympathy without hesitation; but she knew Xia Liang. Xia Liang was the magical girl she chose for Fangting City and her daughter's future team. She was a child who really existed in front of her and was waiting to be guided. She had to really help her.
"Why do you still worry? To be honest, I am also confused about my current relationship."
Following Cuique's words, Xia Liang couldn't help but touch his chest lightly, his face blank: "I feel happy without a doubt. This month's life is more meaningful than my previous year. But where does this feeling of emptiness come from?"
...Maybe the essence is still "loneliness"?
Delphinium said nothing, but made a judgment in her heart.
If she were in Xia Liang's position, living alone in this house that carries both happy and unfortunate memories, and still has to face loneliness after returning home after her activities as a magical girl, she would also feel lonely.
In that case, she knew what she should say.
"Xiao Jin."
After thinking for a while and organizing her words, Kuizi said, "How do you feel about your mother now?"
There is no doubt that the person who had the greatest influence on Xia Liang during her growth was her biological mother. However, the idea of "being a good child" instilled in her by her biological mother has in turn led to Xia Liang's current doubts about herself.
Cuique thought that she might not be able to eradicate the influence of this idea on Xia Liang with just a few words, but at least she had to tell her what was right.
"My mother? To be honest, I have no idea."
Thinking about Cuique's question, Xia Liang lowered his head in astonishment: "Maybe I still have some feelings for her, right? That's why I always want to find her for an answer, but since then, no matter how many times I went to the prison, she was completely unwilling to see me."
"Well, allow me to take the liberty."
Changing his posture to sitting upright, Cuiqiao looked at Xia Liang solemnly: "I think what your mother said is wrong."
“…Many people have said this to me.”
Xia Liang raised his head and laughed dryly: "But no one has ever explained why. What do you think, young senior?"
"Because there is no causal relationship between 'well behaved' and 'being loved'." Delphinium's face was cold, but her tone was very serious.
This is the thought that she must help Xia Liang sort out, so that she can recognize the difference between the two.
"Haha, that's true. Although to this extent, I've actually thought of it a long time ago."
After being stunned for a moment, Xia Liang said bitterly: "I actually know that being obedient is useless. If I could stand up earlier before that day, maybe I wouldn't have become a homeless child? To be frank, I was just satisfying and comforting myself at that time."
"People's hearts are complicated, so don't blame yourself for this kind of thing. You've done a good job."
Shaking her head, Delphinium interrupted her self-pity: "Besides that, what I want to say is that there is nothing wrong with being well-behaved, and good children should be praised and commended. But at the same time, in fact, 'willfulness' is the privilege of children."
"Willful?" Xia Liang was stunned for a moment.
"Willful." Delphinium affirmed calmly.
With his eyes slightly widened, Xia Liang asked in confusion: "But, being willful will definitely be annoying to adults, and they will dislike you, right?"
"You have a very one-sided view of adults."
Kuizi pressed down with one hand, signaling her to listen patiently: "It is true that being willful all the time will make people hate you, but being willful in moderation is actually a way of currying favor. It's better to say that this is a way of acting like a spoiled child."
"Eh?" Xia Liang was surprised, "Even if you say so..."
"Children who are too well-behaved, because they are not willful and do not express their own desires, appear too perfect and idealistic, which makes the rotten adults feel their own incompetence."
Lowering her eyes, Kuei-Jin slowly explained, "In front of such a sensible child, I don't feel like a competent adult at all. I even need the child to coax me, as if I am the completely ignorant child."
"If they are ordinary parents, they will reflect on whether they have shortcomings; but if they are people whose hearts are completely filled with darkness, they will only alienate, reject, and even feel annoyed with such children."
"If I were to speculate, your mother must have felt this way in the end. When you tried to comfort her, it only hurt her self-esteem."
"So you are not actually wrong. It's your mother who is not competent enough. When you are in the roles of mother and daughter respectively, she fails much more than you."
After Cuiqiao finished speaking this long paragraph, she saw that Xia Liang was trying to understand, so she stopped talking and gave her some time to digest it.
After repeated thinking, Xia Liang found that he didn't know how to refute Cuique.
"...In that case, what should I do?"
After a long silence, she whispered, "Even if I realize this now, I can't make up for it."
"I've already said it, this isn't your fault, how can you make amends?"
Feeling a bit troubled by Xia Liang's obsession with this matter, Cuique sighed: "If you really feel you can't let it go, then put it away and look forward first."
Xia Liang said nothing and looked at her with some confusion.
"Like I said before, how about learning to be willful first?"
Delphinium slowed down her tone and raised her index finger: "It's not about just smiling to please others, but learning to be a little selfish and think about yourself."
“That sounds a bit difficult.”
Xia Liang smiled and looked troubled: "And even if I have to learn to be willful, how should I do it?"
"You can show your sincerity to your teammates: Baimei and me."
Delphinium turned her raised index finger to point at herself. "Even now, I am here."
"What?"
"I am an adult who can accept and tolerate willfulness, so you can use me as an object and try to express the words that you usually suppress in your heart. I will not hate you for this."
Delphinium gave a calm analysis: "Whether you think my teaching is too harsh or my attitude is too cold, please speak up first. Even if I may not accept it, it will definitely help us understand each other."
“Oh, that’s amazing!”
Hearing these words, Xia Liang showed an expression of "reverence" for the first time tonight, and even his tone rose a little: "Young senior, you really act like an adult when you speak like this!"
"There's no 'like'. I am an adult, much older than you." Delphinium lowered her eyelids.
"So, how should we start?" Xia Liang, who seemed to deliberately ignore Cuiqiao's words, began to ponder after finding a new goal.
"Let's start with daily life. Whether it's school or your magical girl companions, do you feel dissatisfied in any way?" Delphinium gave her suggestion.
"I, feel..."
Xia Liang raised his eyes, seeming to be thinking hard: "Do you feel like you're being excluded?"
"At school?"
"...No, I'm in the team." Xia Liang glanced at Cuique.
"Team?"
After waiting for a few seconds to realize what Xia Liang meant, Cuique raised her eyebrows: "Exclusion? Why do you feel this way?"
"Maybe it's because Xiaolu is a little biased. No, are you biased too, little senior?"
As if he had figured out something, Xia Liang clapped his hands and said affirmatively: "Yes, you two are very biased!"
"Although you seem to be very cold to everyone, you are always more concerned about Xiaolu. Xiaolu is even more excessive. She is so enthusiastic towards you, but always mean to me!"
Xia Liang's eyes widened and he spoke faster: "Although I think she's funny, I sometimes feel sad when I'm always treated like this!"
Is it because you think it's "fun" to make her angry that you are so repulsed?
She couldn't help thinking this in her heart, but she didn't say it out loud. Cuique looked at Xia Liang inexplicably, considered her words, and agreed with her idea:
"Bai Mei and I knew each other earlier, so we are indeed more familiar with each other."
"I don't think that's the reason. The degree to which you and Xiaolu care about each other is definitely not that simple."
It was a rare expression of dissatisfaction: Xia Liang frowned: "Xiaolu said that you saved her, so she admires you very much. What about you, little senior? You said that you are an adult, a mature magical girl. Speaking of which, Xiaolu also said before that her father seemed to be planning to remarry..."
Having said this, Xia Liang seemed to realize something and covered his mouth in horror.
But it was obviously too late to do this now, as Delphinium had already taken two steps at a time and moved in front of her, giving her a hard hit on the head.
"It hurts!" Xia Liang screamed.
"Random slander does not fall into the category of 'willfulness'. There is a price to pay for making irresponsible remarks."
Delphinium sat back on the sofa, folding her arms: "This is just a warning. I didn't use much strength. I may not do it again next time."
"I won't dare to do it again next time." Xia Liang covered his forehead.
"Anyway, I admit that the problem you mentioned exists, so what do you want?"
Bringing the topic back to the original track, Kuiqi continued, "To learn to be willful, you must first face your true thoughts. You think I am biased, so how do you want me to change?"
"Let me think..."
Xia Liang thought for a moment and answered, "If you have any questions during class, ask me too? Don't just ask Xiaolu?"
"I'll pay attention." Delphinium nodded.
"And don't always notify me last if you find any residual beasts!"
"……Feel sorry."
"During the study session just now, there are actually still many things I don't understand!"
"I will teach you."
"Praise me more when I do well in my magic training, because I actually tried very hard!"
"And more..."
As if he had opened a box of conversation, after coming up with the first one, Xia Liang immediately put forward a series of requests that sounded quite troublesome.
Some of these requests were indeed things that Cuiqiao had not fulfilled on a regular basis, while others were simply trivial matters. If she hadn't said them out loud at this time, Cuiqiao would not have noticed her thoughts at all.
Although Xia Liang usually seems to say whatever he wants, it is obvious that this "saying whatever he wants" is also the result of inner consideration.
The one who is now talking about small issues one by one is the one who has truly opened her heart.
Xia Liang summarized in this way, and Cuique made her own comments from time to time, until she had finished saying every item she could think of.
"And the most important one!"
Xia Liang raised his head, the smile on his face was more genuine than ever before: "I want to have a better and closer relationship with Xiaolu and the young senior!"
"close?"
This request made Delphinium a little puzzled, and then she explained: "Magical girl companions are originally very close comrades-in-arms. When you have more experience fighting side by side in the future, and even become as strong as me, our relationship is bound to be very close."
"No, not that kind of intimate!"
Xia Liang gestured with his hands: "Obviously, magical girl companions are very important relationships, they should be better than ordinary friends, right? I want the kind that is more friendly and warms my heart..."
It can better make up for the lack of "love" due to a broken family.
Understanding what she wanted to express, Delphinium added a sentence in her mind.
Lacking love and yearning for love, Xia Liang has been pursuing connections with others, but now she still cannot feel "love". Therefore, she still feels lonely.
What she wanted to get from Cuiqiao and Lin Xiaolu was not only the friendship between comrades-in-arms and the friendship between teachers and students, but also the love that could replace what was missing in the family - family love.
Perhaps, this was her clearest expression in her ignorance: she seemed to hope that this team of magical girls could become her next "home".
They have only known each other for a month, but he has already made such an excessive request. It can be said that he is extremely "willful".
"So, how exactly should the intimacy you mentioned be manifested?"
Delphinium leaned on the sofa and listened to Xia Liang's words.
But it was precisely because of Xia Liang's paranoid idea that she felt that the girl in front of her was a real child with many immature ideas in her heart.
After hearing Delphinium's question, Xia Liang paused for a moment, then clasped his hands together and showed a sweet and well-behaved smile.
"I've already said this before, young senior."
Her eyes sparkled as she looked at Delphinium pleadingly:
"Shall we sleep together tonight?"
(End of this chapter)
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