Chapter 77 Old Love Letters: I'll Be Your Antidote
Zhou Yu felt the damp heat, which was no less than a form of mental torture. In her emotional breakdown, she bit her lower lip hard, and through blurred vision, finally uttered the words she had never dared to say to him.
"Chen Jingchi, I like you." She tried her best to control the trembling in her voice, but it had little effect. She still had to continue, "I've liked you for a long time."
"I lied to you. I was with you not to fulfill your needs, but to satisfy my own selfish desires."
"I want you to sing the songs I wrote, and I want our names to appear side by side."
She wanted to follow in the footsteps of the person she liked, to stand beside him, to get his attention, and to become a special presence in his heart.
She wasn't entirely innocent either.
Zhou Yu revealed the truth one by one: "It's not that I never liked you for even a second, but I just didn't dare to tell you that I fell for you even earlier than you did, and I also approached you with an ulterior motive."
Now that he had seen the photo album, he knew that she had heard the original song "Prisoner Wolf." The lyrics she wrote were not the soul-stirring ones he had imagined; they were merely opportunistic attempts based on her familiarity with his previous eighty works.
“I don’t care about the past anymore.” She was crying and almost lost her voice. “I came back to Jiangbei just to see you. I can’t forget you. I’ve missed you since we broke up. I miss you every single day.”
After returning to China, she first went back to Quanshan with Liu Xianya to meet her father, maternal grandparents, and other relatives. When her family asked about her future work plans, she didn't hesitate at all and said she would go to Jiangbei to find a job.
Her aunt and uncle assumed she had gone to university in Jiangbei and was familiar with the area. Only Liu Xianya knew that what she could never let go of deep down was that love that had ended without a trace.
He reached the pinnacle of his career because of her, while she fell in love with someone she liked. As the story came to an end, neither of them could let go easily and both stubbornly wanted a sequel.
In her heart, the phrase "let bygones be bygones" didn't quite fit their situation. During those days of love, Chen Jingchi gave her everything he could, told everyone she was his one and only, and started planning their future early on.
Love is concrete, vivid, and vibrant. His love was no small matter; how could she not feel it?
She told him everything, hoping it would make him feel better.
But things didn't go as planned.
These words were like sharp knives, piercing his heart and leaving it broken.
Chen Jingchi looked up and hugged her even tighter, his heart aching so much he felt like he was suffocating. He hadn't felt this much pain when he broke up with her or when he made that last phone call to her.
"I love you." His voice was hoarse, each word heavy. "Zhou Yu, I love you."
He couldn't find a word that could more accurately convey his emotions, and this was the only sentence left. No matter how many times he said it, he felt that his words were inadequate and far from sufficient to express his guilt and make up for his shortcomings.
Zhou Yu looked up, tears sliding down her cheek and dripping onto his shoulder. She replied, "I love you too."
These four words once brought Chen Jingchi to the brink of losing control.
They embraced for a long time until they gradually calmed down. Zhou Yu's voice was still heavily nasal when he spoke: "Give me a kiss."
He tilted his head and gently sucked on her lips. She offered her tongue, and he accidentally bit her. He quickly pulled away and asked, "Does it hurt?"
Tears still clung to her arched eyelashes, but when she looked at him, her eyes were filled with a smile as she shook her head: "It doesn't hurt."
Chen Jingchi's heart softened, and he used the arm around her waist to lift her up and carry her to the bedroom.
Zhou Yu hooked her arm around the back of his neck and, while sitting on the bed, gently tugged at the hair at the back of his head and whispered something.
He didn't hear him clearly: "Huh?"
She leaned close to his ear and whispered, "No condom."
Chen Jingchi kissed her eyelids, wiping away the few noticeable tears, and whispered, "Let's not do it yet."
He touched her hair, which had been half-dry from the blow dryer, but it was almost completely dry after they had been hugging for so long.
"I'm going to take a shower," he said. "Wait for me."
He had just left when Zhou Yu put his computer on his lap. As soon as he unlocked it, he saw an unread message on QQ from his high school class group, which had been dormant for many years.
The homeroom teacher posted a group announcement that the 15th of next month is the anniversary of Xianhai No.1 Middle School, and everyone is welcome to come back to visit their alma mater.
Chen Jingchi probably received an invitation as well, which is why he thought to log in to QQ and then discovered her photo album.
If he agreed to go, Zhou Yu wanted to go back with him.
A short while later, Chen Jingchi came out of the bathroom, his hair still damp from being dried, only hastily wiping it with a towel. He knelt on one knee by the bed, leaned down, and kissed her. She smelled her shower gel and shampoo on him. After a few kisses, she remembered something, raised her hand, and began to unbutton his pajamas.
He had rushed out, and only two or three buttons were fastened on his pajamas, which she easily undid. Chen Jingchi didn't stop her; he looked down at her.
With her clothes open, Zhou Yu turned her head to avoid his kiss, opened her eyes, and looked at his chest.
There is a palm-sized tattoo on her right chest that reads her name, "Desire".
The image of Chen Jingchi tearing open his shirt and showing off his tattoo in front of the camera at the concert is still vivid in her mind. At that time, she couldn't see it clearly through the big screen, but now that it is being shown to her in person, Zhou Yu is a little afraid to look directly at it.
She reached out and gently stroked the edge of the tattoo with her fingertips. The tattooed skin was smooth and even, as if it had become one with him.
It felt as if a tiny electric current was spreading from his chest to his entire body. Chen Jingchi sat still, letting her gently stroke along the direction of the strokes.
Knowing that this area was sensitive, Zhou Yu asked softly, "Will it hurt a lot?"
Does it hurt?
Chen Jingchi doesn't remember.
That was six months after Zhou Yu went abroad. Looking back on those six months, Chen Jingchi can only describe himself as "degenerate".
He still had to complete his work as usual. On screen, he was still the glamorous singer Chen Jingchi. Behind the scenes, however, he couldn't sleep at night. As soon as he closed his eyes, he would immediately fall into an inescapable vortex of emotions. He couldn't find any way to alleviate the endless pain and could only rely on alcohol to numb himself.
During that period, his voice couldn't withstand the strain of smoking, drinking, and staying up late, and it started to break down again. His voice became hoarse when he sang on stage, and his high notes lacked clarity and quality. Even his fans knew that he was overworking himself and advised him to rest when they picked him up at the airport.
However, for him at that time, there was no difference between sleeping and being punished.
On the morning of his birthday, Du Heng had just dropped him off at home, and after a few minutes, he left alone.
He went to a tattoo studio and had her name engraved in the place closest to his heart, so that his longing could be made tangible.
He was stunned for a few seconds before answering, "It doesn't hurt."
The needle piercing his skin caused only temporary pain, which would soon subside. But his pain at losing her did not lessen with time; instead, it intensified, driving him to the brink of collapse several times.
Zhou withdrew his hand, only to be met with her warm lips. She kissed his chest, each kiss more tender than the last, but for Chen Jingchi, each second was more unbearable than the last.
She had kissed him enough, and just as she raised her head, Chen Jingchi grabbed her chin and kissed her again. This time it wasn't so gentle; he seemed to be on fire, his lips, palms, and chest burning hot. The fire spread to her, and she caught fire too.
Even though he was already holding her and kissing her, Chen Jingchi still felt it wasn't enough; he wanted to meld her into his very bones and imprint her on his soul. His kisses grew increasingly hurried, the burning kisses moving from her lips down to her chin, neck, and collarbone. He suddenly stopped when he impatiently tugged open the collar of Zhou Yu's pajamas.
Zhou Yu was caught in a dilemma, feeling uncomfortable, when she saw him supporting her knees and pulling her back, she realized what he wanted to do. She quickly tried to pull away, saying, "No..."
When they were dating, they always got straight to the point. After not seeing each other for a long time, she was easily aroused, and he didn't need to do anything elaborate. However, Zhou Yu refused to let Chen Jingchi do this for her several times, as she still couldn't accept it psychologically.
But this time he seemed to have made up his mind. Zhou Yu frowned silently and couldn't help but let out a soft gasp.
She raised her hand to shield her eyes, not daring to look at him. His retreating kisses were just beginning to become more skillful; his hair was still wet, seeping into her skin and tickling her. Zhou Yu heard his breathing grow heavier, and she couldn't hold back for long.
She took deep breaths to catch her breath, and then she moved her arm away, clearly seeing the lower half of his face; his cheeks were almost red.
Chen Jingchi hugged her again, and before he could kiss her, Zhou Yu hurriedly grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and wiped his lips clean.
Zhou Yu was still shy, burying her head in his chest and not daring to look him in the eye.
After the bedroom light was turned off, Chen Jingchi held her in his arms, enveloping her in a long-lost warmth. They had slept in each other's arms countless times, and this was the first time she felt a complete sense of security; she knew they would never be apart again.
"Was it on the street when you first met me?" he asked in a low voice.
"Um."
When talking about the scene when she first met him in her teens, what seemed like an insurmountable obstacle and an inescapable shadow back then now seems like nothing more than a small stone that tripped her up on the road to adulthood. Zhou Yu even feels grateful to her past self, because if she hadn't taken to the streets that day, she might not have heard Chen Jingchi's singing, and she wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet him later.
She told him about her feelings at that time and mentioned why she had recorded and saved all of his works.
"Others may like your voice, but I want to draw strength from your songs."
At that time, Zhou Yu, who was still unaware of the truth, was still deeply trapped in the nightmare of struggling with herself. Chen Jingchi's song "Stubborn" on the street was like a ray of dawn breaking into the darkness and shining into her life.
From then on, she found a source of solace. Chen Jingchi's songs accompanied her step by step out of the shadows, and accompanied her as she grew up year after year, until she met him, which became the source of her confidence in understanding him.
After she went abroad, these videos became her only way to relieve her longing.
When Chen Jingchi was a teenager, his singing skills were far less proficient and natural than they are now. Back then, there was no auto-tuning or post-production processing. To sing a song to your satisfaction, you had to revise it repeatedly, polish it carefully, and record it dozens or even hundreds of times.
For Chen Jingchi now, these early works before his debut are no different from his dark history. After recording them, he rarely listens to them again. In fact, after graduating from high school, he had already uninstalled the software and never logged in again.
However, these cover songs have a special and unique significance for Zhou Yu, and their status in her heart is even higher than that of the album singles after her debut.
Knowing that his voice was her pillar of support during her most helpless moments, Chen Jingchi felt some comfort; at least he wasn't completely useless to her.
“I’ve reviewed your father’s case,” he asked. “Did you know back then that it was a miscarriage of justice?”
Zhou Yu's breath hitched, and she said softly, "I didn't know. They only told me after I was released from prison."
With the dust settled, she finally had the courage to explain the whole story to him. He listened quietly as she calmly recounted what had happened that winter break, and only then did he understand why she had been in such a bad state at the time, and why she hadn't dared to bring him home to meet her parents.
She was under too much pressure. He thought he could be her safe haven, but he didn't expect that all the concessions she made were just to protect him from her father's influence.
His heart clenched, a dull ache rising within him.
After they talked everything out, there were no more secrets between them.
While feeling sorry for her, Chen Jingchi also felt ashamed of himself. Back then, he had clearly noticed her abnormality, but he did not investigate it further, only busy building the utopia in his own imagination.
He was preoccupied with their bright future, neglecting her feelings at that moment. If he had paid more attention to her back then, been more thoughtful, and been braver, and had coaxed her into talking to him, if he had done everything he could to help her, would things have turned out differently? Would they have been able to avoid missing each other for so many years?
Once this thought took hold, it gnawed at his mind like a virus. He knew that time could not be turned back, and there was no going back.
Now, all he can do is cherish the present moment and every second of the day.
Zhou Yu looked up into his dark eyes in the dim light of the room and asked, "How about I take you to meet my parents this year?"
Chen Jingchi's chest heaved, his voice slightly hoarse and low: "Are you willing to give me a title?"
Hearing this, Zhou Yu felt a tightness in her chest. She grabbed the collar of his pajamas and asked, "Do you think you can't get it?"
"I haven't tried hard enough."
Tonight, he only managed to win her sympathy with a few tears; he was far from qualified.
She seemed to see right through him, placing her hand on his neck to feel his pulse, and said, "Chen Jingchi, I used to be terrified of letting you know my past, afraid of being at a disadvantage in the relationship. But today, as I've finally said it, I realize that when I first met you, my initial intention was just to be friends with you. The more time passed, the more I wanted. When I found out you liked me, I fantasized that you loved me, that you really loved me. I even fantasized that you only loved me as a person, my soul, not my body or my work. But all of these things combined make up the complete me. I was too insecure, too timid. I treated it all as a pipe dream, and I prepared an escape route for myself, not fully committing to that relationship."
She spoke a very long passage at once.
“You said your love wasn’t pure, and I said I didn’t give my whole heart. We’re both inexperienced in love, so it’s inevitable that we’ll make mistakes.” She gently stroked his Adam’s apple as it moved up and down, and whispered, “Chen Jingchi, I don’t lack anything, and I don’t need you to compensate me for anything. I just want your love.”
This is the only thing he can offer, and it is also the richest thing he possesses at this moment.
Chen Jingchi kissed her forehead, a thousand words stuck in his throat, unable to find an outlet, and it was very difficult for him to utter a sound.
“Zhou Yu, I used to complain about the unfairness of fate and lament that I was born at the wrong time. But after I met you, my career started to improve. I rose through the ranks and was called a genius and a prodigy. I forgot the hardships I had endured and became arrogant and conceited.” He said in a hoarse voice, “After breaking up with you, I achieved even better results than before. But when I stood on the podium, I found myself incredibly empty inside. No matter how much money I made or how illustrious my achievements were, it all seemed to have lost its meaning. I had no one to share my joy with.”
"No one will hug me when I'm sad, encourage me, worry about me, or be happy for me when I make progress."
“At that time, I suddenly understood why you named your third album ‘Clouds and Mud’.” He closed his eyes and said, “I was praised to the heavens and enjoyed all the applause and honors, but in love, I lost miserably and fell into the mud, so my fourth album is called ‘Landing’.”
"I want to be down-to-earth, return to reality, find my pre-fame state, re-examine myself, and rediscover my original passion for making music."
“Zhou Yu.” He called her name. “Later I realized that after all those halos were removed, I was just an ordinary person. After meeting you, I also wanted to pursue you again as an ordinary person.”
“I’m boring in real life. I can’t say sweet words, I don’t know how to coax people, I’m jealous, I’m possessive, and I always hurt you when we kiss. I can’t find any qualities in myself that attract you, it seems like all that’s left is the ‘love’ you talk about.” His throat tightened. “Would you still accept me like this?”
"I'm willing." Without a second's hesitation, she choked back tears and agreed, "I'm willing."
*
The next day, after Zhou went to school, Chen Jingchi returned to the company.
He called Du Heng and several teachers in charge of the five-year concept design to the conference room and made a decision that surprised everyone.
He overturned the previous plan and proposed a completely new theme: love letters.
Chen Jingchi compiled all the works Zhou Yu had written for him years ago and reviewed them again. Before, he only felt that every sentence suited his heart, but now, looking at these lyrics again, he finally understood the subtle thoughts she had hidden in her writing that he had never paid attention to.
He also realized why, after their breakup, Zhou Yu decided never to write lyrics again.
It wasn't that she didn't love him anymore; it was that there was no longer a vessel to carry her love.
With this album, he wanted to use his own pen to write a reply to her in the form of music.
With his fifth album, he decided to explore love for the first time, simply to give himself a chance to make up for the regrets of many years ago.
Fortunately, the album hasn't started production yet, so everyone is fine with it. After the meeting, Du Heng stayed behind alone and asked, "You've gotten back together?"
The original album theme was "Rebirth," but it has now been changed to "Love Letter," which is clearly related to relationships.
Chen Jingchi didn't hide anything from him: "You could say that."
"What do you mean by 'consider it'?" Du Heng, a person who enjoys the moment, didn't understand his choice of words. "If it's good, it's good; if it's not good, it's not good."
"just."
Du Heng smiled, a look of relief on his face: "It wasn't easy, we must cherish this opportunity."
Chen Jingchi lowered his head: "Yes."
His mind was overflowing with inspiration, and after leaving the meeting room, he went straight to the arrangement room, determined to finish writing the song by the end of the day.
For the first time, he felt that the creative process was going so smoothly. The melody seemed to have been arranged in his mind beforehand, and it all came out at once. So much so that he finished writing the lyrics and music in no time.
At four o'clock in the afternoon, Chen Jingchi did not go home for lunch. He was thinking about making dinner for Zhou Yu, so he only wrote a little bit of the arrangement before preparing to go home.
Just as he came out, he ran into Du Heng, who was about to go in to supervise the progress. Before he could even speak, Du Heng asked, "Have you checked Weibo?"
"without."
With the operating frequency extended to once a week, he hasn't logged on for many days.
"Quick, check the trending topics." Du Heng smiled. "There's a surprise."
His expression didn't look like one of surprise. Chen Jingchi took out his phone, and seeing no unread messages on the screen, he opened Weibo.
At the bottom of the trending search list, there was an extremely rare name, which made Chen Jingchi's heart skip a beat.
#ZhouYu goes online on Weibo#
Zhou Yu's Weibo followers have remained at 700,000, the same number as five years ago. Logically, she shouldn't have generated so much discussion when she logged into Weibo.
Seeing that he didn't move, Du Heng reminded him, "Click on it."
As if entering a command, he clicked on the topic, and the first trending Weibo post that popped up was one that Zhou Yu had posted half an hour earlier.
She reposted a post Chen Jingchi made five years ago.
@Zhou Yu: I'll be your antidote. //@Chen Jingchi: I think of you when I wake up, I dream of you when I fall asleep, is there any hope for me?
Chen Jingchi stood frozen in place, unable to suppress the surge of bitterness in his heart.
He couldn't understand why people could be so lucky.
She once compared them to clouds and mud, but Chen Jingchi felt they were more like wind and islands.
She was originally a free-spirited, wandering wind, yet she willingly stayed on this lonely island for him.
As the clouds parted and the moon shone brightly, her silent love stirred a deep and lasting feeling in his heart.
-----------------------
Author's Note: Volume 3 ends here. The last volume is about sweet love, proposals, and daily life after marriage. I'm requesting a two-day weekend break. See you next Monday!
Please add my next campus romance novel, "Stealing Hearts," to your favorites!
Buddhist-like indifference × Vicious deep affection
Intentionally approaching × Using a stratagem
When the senior year of high school started, a stunningly beautiful girl transferred to the school. She wore a string of Buddhist prayer beads on her wrist, but unfortunately, she was aloof and cold, like a celestial being, and no one could get close to her.
Some people compared her to Chen Xu, the top student in the grade, and called them the two faces of the school.
The first time Si Fan met Chen Xu, he opened a Coke for the girl next to him, prying open the tab with one hand, the bubbles bubbling.
My friend said that he is never short of admirers, but he only has eyes for the one beside him.
Later, Si Fan discovered his secret.
Not long after, news spread throughout the school that Chen Xu had changed his mind. Someone saw him cornering the transfer student with a nonchalant smile.
"Little nun, will you come down the mountain with me?"
Her friends all thought Chen Xu couldn't catch up with her, but it turned out to be surprisingly easy for him.
However, this relationship was short-lived, lasting only a month after the college entrance examination before it ended.
Everyone assumed that Chen Xu had changed his mind again and found a new love.
Little did he know that he had been abruptly dumped, and all his contact information had been blocked, making it impossible for him to reach Si Fan again.
Later, Chen Xu, who had never believed in gods or Buddhas, started wearing a string of Buddhist prayer beads on his wrist and never took them off again.
-
Years later, at a class reunion, they met again at the dinner table. When asked which of his many girlfriends was the most unforgettable, Chen Xu laughed freely: "The first one."
His friends egged him on to make the call, and he thought he wouldn't be able to get through, but when he pressed the number, it went through, but no one answered for a long time.
Si Fan's phone vibrated for a full 30 seconds.
After the party, Si Fan was cornered by Chen Xu in the underground parking lot, where Chen Xu questioned him angrily, "What, you're finally willing to unblock me?"
Si Fan looked up at him: "My phone broke before."
He tore away his calm facade and gritted his teeth: "Back then, you treated me like a dog, do you think I would still believe your nonsense?"
But later, he humbled himself and begged her: "Fanfan, play with me one more time."
I don't believe in gods or Buddhas, I only believe in you.
No romantic or intimate relationships before adulthood.
-
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