Chapter 53
“Eucalyptus?”
"An'an, get up, the sun is shining on your butt——"
Tang An opened his eyes drowsily, and in his hazy vision, he saw a tall, handsome man in a white down jacket with a bright smile sitting beside his bed, looking at him with curved eyebrows.
He blinked slowly a few times, still feeling sleepy, and subconsciously mumbled a vague syllable: "...Tang Ming?"
Tang Ming raised his eyebrows, and his hands, which had just played in the snow outside, reached into the warm quilt and accurately covered his brother's warm sleeping cheeks.
"What Tang Ming? You have no respect for your elders. I am your father. Are you sober now?" He grinned evilly and used force with his hands to squeeze his brother's face into a cute O shape.
Tang An was startled by the cold and instantly regained consciousness. He howled and frantically tried to pry Tang Ming's hand away: "It's so cold, take it away!!"
Tang Ming chuckled and retreated to a safe distance before his brother completely blew up. "School starts today. Mom asked me to remind you not to stay in bed and be late. I'm going to be leaving now, so I won't wait for you."
He waved his hand casually, and his figure disappeared at the door, so fast that he didn't even close the door.
The cold wind from the balcony seized the opportunity and rushed in, accurately hitting Tang An's hand that was exposed outside the quilt.
He shuddered suddenly and quickly pulled his hand back into the warm quilt.
"Damn Tang Ming! Damn Tang Ming! I'm going to tell Dad! Tell him you want to be my dad!!!!"
Compared to elementary school life, middle school life seems to have an extra layer of youthful restlessness.
While the boys in the class were enthusiastically discussing which girl was the prettiest and who had received a love letter, Tang An was often thinking about whether to indulge in the tender and tasty beef brisket with radish in the old cafeteria for lunch, or go to the new cafeteria to try the fragrant spicy hot pot.
Occasionally, when the most beautiful girl in the school passes by the classroom window, the boys in the window row will always whistle and cheer in a deliberate manner.
Tang An watched silently, and always felt that the way they tried to spread their feathers to court was very similar to the gorillas in the zoo beating their chests and stamping their feet to attract attention.
A bit noisy and a bit ugly.
"Tang An, do you have a girl you like?"
"No."
"Then you don't like the girl from Class 3 who confessed to you last time?"
"dislike."
Tang An's answers were always so bland, like a cup of lukewarm boiled water.
To the teenagers around him who were fueled by hormones, full of desire to perform and pride, he seemed too quiet and too boring.
Gradually, fewer and fewer people gathered around him.
This state of being almost withdrawn and immersed in his own world was broken by the death of Tang Ming when Tang An was thirteen years old.
That day couldn't have been more ordinary.
The wind is as gentle as usual, and the sunshine is as lazy as usual.
In the classroom, the sound of the teacher's lecture, the whispers of the students who tried hard to suppress, the rustling sound of the pen tips across the paper, everything follows the most normal trajectory.
As usual, Tang An stayed in the classroom to finish his homework before carrying his schoolbag and going home.
On the way, he met the old woman who was pushing an old bicycle and selling candied haws again. He used a five-yuan note to exchange for a string of small fruits with big pits and an extremely sour taste before dinner.
Tang An had walked the road leading to his home countless times. He was so familiar with it that he could find the door to his apartment with his eyes closed. But today, the door of his house was unusually wide open.
There were policemen in uniform, doctors in masks and white coats, the faces of neighbors downstairs who were looking out but didn't dare to come forward, and the mother who collapsed in her father's arms, crying heart-wrenchingly and almost fainting.
All of this felt so strange, and it turned into cold fear, gripping Tang An's heart tightly.
He subconsciously stepped back step by step, and finally hid in an unnoticed corner of the community garden, mechanically eating the string of sour candied haws one bite at a time.
The extreme sourness stimulated the taste buds, causing a large amount of saliva to be secreted, which turned into hot tears and fell down without warning.
One drop, two drops...
It spread out into irregular water marks on the rough granite ground.
Tang An didn't dare to think about what kind of terrible thing had happened at home to attract so many strange and serious faces.
He just huddled in the corner with his schoolbag in his arms, letting the sky grow darker and darker until the street lights came on.
In the community, the hoarse and anxious calls of parents were finally heard.
Tang An heard his mother's voice, which was broken and filled with desperate cries.
"My brother is gone...if something happens to An An again...what should I do..."
The strap of the backpack on my shoulder suddenly slipped off and the backpack fell heavily to the ground.
Tang An bit his lips hard and tasted a strong smell of rust.
He walked stiffly out of the shadows, walked in front of his almost collapsed parents, then opened his mouth, his voice was hoarse as if it had been sandpapered, and every word trembled with tears.
"Dad, Mom."
"Who do you say is missing?"
His parents' embrace was like a drowning man grabbing the last piece of driftwood, almost crushing Tang An. He felt his body becoming heavier and heavier and sinking continuously in the great grief.
A thick, indissoluble black fog seemed to rise all around, tightly enveloping this family that had just lost their child and was on the verge of breaking up.
Tang An seemed to sense something and looked into the depths of the black fog with a numb expression.
There stood a familiar yet blurry figure.
"You made my parents so sad."
"If you didn't like boys like a monster, I wouldn't be depressed, let alone jump off the building!"
"You put too much pressure on me. Not only do I have to deal with my studies, but I also have to live in fear all day long and help you hide that disgusting secret. I can't let my parents know that their little son is a pervert who likes homosexuality. I can't let them be disappointed and sad."
"It's all your fault! Tang An! It's all you! You're the one who killed me!!!"
Tang Ming's voice was distorted and sharp, echoing and repeating continuously, like countless cold needles piercing Tang An's heart.
The light in his eyes grew dimmer and dimmer, almost being swallowed up by the endless guilt and self-blame.
Yeah, it's all my fault...
Tang An slowly pushed away his parents who were hugging him tightly, and walked into the bottomless black fog like a puppet.
"Brother...I was wrong..."
"I'm sorry... I should have listened to you..."
"It's my fault... Bro, I'm sorry... It's all my fault..."
Just as his fingertips were about to touch the cold black mist, his steps suddenly stopped.
Tang An raised his hands to cover his face and let out a suppressed sob.
"No, I know very well that you wouldn't say such a thing."
His brother Tang Ming was so kind. Even when he accidentally discovered the secret hidden in his diary, he was just stunned for a moment, then rubbed his hair hard, smiled and said, "It's okay, don't be afraid, I'm here."
Sometimes, Tang An would rather Tang Ming leave with resentment and dissatisfaction towards the world, rather than being too kind and digesting all the pressure alone, and eventually being exhausted and exhausted by fatigue and emptiness of the future.
When he learned from his parents that Tang Ming had been suffering from severe depression for a long time, he simply could not connect the cold words on the diagnosis with the brother in his life who was always cheerful and smiling, and would tease him but also protect him.
It was not until later, when Tang An himself entered high school and reached the same age as Tang Ming, and looked at the world from a similar perspective, that he realized that he was actually also confused.
He seemed to understand.
Growth is not just the gradual development and improvement of the frontal lobe of the brain, but also the surge of loneliness and confusion.
The road ahead to the unknown is always shrouded in thick fog, and every step is like walking on the edge of a cliff, trembling with fear and as if treading on thin ice.
It was probably at the moment when Tang Ming was most tired and dazed that he accidentally slipped and fell.
so……
Tang An raised his head, a hint of determination flashing in his eyes.
He stretched out his hand, but instead of walking towards the black fog, he fiercely stabbed into the fog and accurately pulled out the black shadow that was constantly emitting resentment and crying. Then he used all his strength to hug the other person tightly in his arms.
"elder brother……"
Tang An's voice was choked with sobs, but with an unprecedented determination: "I'm not afraid anymore."
As if in response to his courage, a ray of sunlight suddenly pierced through the layers of dark clouds, gently spreading across the earth and dispelling the suffocating black fog.
The black shadow in his arms trembled violently, and its body quickly faded away like ice and snow melted by the sun, gradually revealing the clean and warm appearance underneath.
"My brother has grown so big already?"
Tang An's nose felt sore and tears fell even harder: "I'm almost thirty years old..."
"Really? It felt like you were only this tall yesterday, but now you're almost as tall as me."
Tang An said softly, "What about you? Brother, are you doing well over there?"
“…”
No answer.
Tang An felt that the person in his arms was slipping away rapidly through his fingers like quicksand.
"elder brother?"
He called out softly, and slowly clenched his empty palms, as if trying to hold on to the last trace of the cold illusion.
"Thank you for coming to see me, brother."
As soon as he finished speaking, the surrounding scenery began to peel off like a faded oil painting.
Tang An slowly closed his eyes, preparing to regain consciousness and regain reality.
However, just when the void of darkness was about to completely swallow everything, a clear and warm voice, as if traveling through distant time and space, rang out again.
"Tang An——"
Tang An opened his eyes and found that he was still on the edge of the dream. In front of him, the figure that he thought had completely disappeared was becoming clearer and more real.
Tang Ming stood in the light with a smile on his face and waved at him vigorously.
"Goodbye."
"My dear brother."
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