Centrifugation
During this time, I experienced the first sense of fulfillment in my twenty-plus years of life. In the mornings, I could always hear Ziling babbling with her child. She would carry him to the herb garden, pointing to the angelica root and saying, "This is Daddy's treasure for healing." Whenever this happened, my hands, twisting the golden thread, would tremble slightly—the same hands that had once taken lives now supported the weight of a family.
On the day Shangguan Yan came to visit, snow pear soup was being brewed in the hallway. Seeing her features, so similar to Ying'er's, the question that had been dormant in my heart suddenly surfaced. The obsession I'd sought but couldn't obtain back then, mixed with the confidence I now possessed, became a vine that entwined my heart.
"If it weren't for Zi Ling, would you have been attracted to me, Dragon Goddess?" I regretted it the moment I said it. Shangguan Yan's silence was like a mirror, reflecting my despicable temptation. The moment her lips parted, the child's cry was like thunder. Zi Ling stood under the wisteria trellis, holding the child, her tears falling directly on the longevity lock on the child's chest.
"Zi Ling!"
I pushed my wheelchair forward, and the golden thread accidentally tangled, sending petals scattering across the floor. For the next three days, I became the most ridiculous healer. I could save the world, but I couldn't cure my own delusion. Every day, I stood before her room, holding the medicinal food, remembering that time in Tianshan when she smiled and said, "Tomorrow, this is my heart. I'll give it to you." Now, I had broken that heart with my own hands.
At dawn on the fourth day, she opened the door, covered in morning dew. Though emaciated, her eyes blazed with the fire I once knew best—the same light she'd gleamed when she'd created her own unique martial arts.
"I want to live in Shuiyue Temple!"
"For the sake of the child... can you please stay?" I practically crushed the wheelchair armrest. "I, Ouyang Mingming, swear to heaven..."
"It's for him!" She interrupted me for the first time, caressing the child's sleeping face with her fingertips. "Do you want him to remember how he cried all day long?"
The last sentence was like a dagger piercing my heart: "I used to be happy to see you, but now I feel pain when I see you."
Watching her retreating figure, I suddenly remembered that snowy night many years ago. She squatted in front of my wheelchair and said, "Tomorrow, you are the most competitive person I have ever met." Only now do I realize that my pride was merely a shield of inferiority. When I finally shed my armor and embraced the warm sun, I pierced it with the remaining icicles.
The meditation room of Shuiyue Temple is always filled with a faint aroma of incense and fresh herbs, a stark contrast to my mountain villa, which is filled with the scent of medicine and lotus. Yi Shan pushed me, holding the babbling child in his arms, trying to grab my hair, and stepped into this peaceful place with mixed feelings. She sat on a stone bench in the courtyard, a roll of old sheepskin spread out before her. It was the martial arts secret manual obtained from the Zhenlong chess game. Sunlight filtered through the leaves of the bodhi tree, casting a pale, almost translucent paleness on her calm face. Over a month after not seeing her, she had lost some weight, but her eyes, once filled with tears and pain, were now as calm as two pools of cold autumn water. Upon seeing us, she was startled for a moment, then her gaze locked firmly on the child. It was an unconditional, tender affection that instantly softened the aloofness around her. She stood up and walked over, naturally taking the child from my arms. She soothed him gently, her fingertips caressing his delicate cheek lovingly. "Lang'er seems a little heavier," she said, her tone as calm as if she were discussing the weather. My heart, hanging in the balance, eased slightly at her calmness, yet it was also made even more uneasy by her excessive calmness. I gazed at her eagerly, hoping to find a hint of her former warmth, or even a hint of resentment towards me. But there was nothing, only a silent, unnerving indifference. She soothed the child for a moment, then gently handed the sleeping child back to the nurse beside her. Then, turning to me, she pulled a neatly folded letter from her sleeve and handed it to me. "Tomorrow," she said softly, yet with an undeniable determination. "Here, you take it." I lowered my eyes, reading the three delicate, yet forceful words on the envelope—divorce letter. My heart felt as if it had been burned by the ink, and it suddenly tightened. "I don't agree," I said almost immediately, my voice dry. I didn't even dare to reach out to take the thin piece of paper, as if it weighed a thousand pounds and would crush all my hopes. She seemed to have anticipated my reaction and didn't withdraw her hand. She just looked at me quietly, a look of tired helplessness in her eyes. "We're no longer suitable to be husband and wife. Lang'er is our child, and that will never change. We can raise him together." "Not suitable?" I suddenly looked up and tried to straighten myself up in the wheelchair. A nameless anger mixed with a huge panic surged up. "Just because of that foolish statement? Ziling, I know I was wrong. I regret it so much! I swear, I will never see Shangguan Yan again. In my eyes and heart, there is only..." "It has nothing to do with Shangguan Yan anymore." She interrupted me, her tone still calm, but like an ice-cold file, grinding away at my last hope. "It's my own state of mind that has changed. Tomorrow, when I see you, I'll remember what you asked her that day, and how I stood outside holding Lang'er... I felt so ashamed. That feeling is like a thorn in my heart, unable to be pulled out, and it hurts at the slightest touch. I don't want to live in the shadow of that thorn forever." She gently placed the divorce papers on my knees, then turned away. I saw her clench her fists, take a deep breath, and slowly say, "Give each other a way out. From now on, you can find your true happiness."
"My happiness is you!" I roared, the golden thread from my fingertips springing out uncontrollably, instantly shredding the divorce agreement on my lap! Scraps of paper fluttered down, like my now shattered heart. "Shangguan Ying, listen carefully! As long as I, Ouyang Mingri, don't agree, you will always be my wife! In this life, and the next!" I stared at her intently, using all my strength to maintain this almost barbaric declaration, as if it could hold back what was about to disappear. She was stunned at my intense reaction, but then, instead of anger, a deeper, more profound sense of helplessness crossed her face, even... a hint of pity. She raised her hand and gently pressed her solar plexus, her body swaying almost imperceptibly. "You..." I keenly sensed her abnormality, and my medical instincts instantly overwhelmed my surging emotions. I wheeled my wheelchair forward and grasped her wrist without a word. At first, my pulse felt weak and ragged, a sign of emotional distress and stagnant blood circulation. But then, as I carefully probed with my fingertips, I felt a faint... smooth, rolling pulse! This pulse...! It was a pregnancy pulse! According to the month, it should have been the night of our "exclusive embrace." I suddenly looked up, staring in disbelief at her still-flat belly. My heart raced, and the overwhelming joy of regaining what I had lost instantly overwhelmed me like a tsunami!
"Zi Ling! You... you're pregnant!" My voice trembled with excitement, and I was almost incoherent. "You have our child again! Lang'er has a brother or sister!" I held her hand tightly, as if I had grabbed a life-saving piece of driftwood. This unexpected child must be God's chance to make amends for me! It is to re-tie our bond! However, when my ecstatic eyes met hers, it was like being splashed with a basin of ice water. There was no joy on her face, only a heavy, unbreakable gloom, and even... a hint of desolate determination. She looked at me quietly, at my eyes that lit up with ecstasy, at my expectation that was almost overflowing. Then, slowly, bit by bit, she pulled her wrist out of my hand. Her silence made me more panicked than any accusation. A cold fear gripped me. I blurted out the words, my tone laced with a fierceness and testing intensity I wasn't even aware of. I tried to use the most extreme means possible to force her to make a choice, to pull her back to me: "Ziling, listen carefully. If you want this child, I, Ouyang Mingri, will recognize him! I will cherish him like a treasure, just like Lang'er, and devote all my resources to raising him! But if... if you don't want it..." I paused, meeting her suddenly raised gaze, filled with shock and disbelief. Every word, like the sharpest scalpel, cut through us: "I can help you too. One bowl of medicine, and it'll be over once and for all. I won't let you suffer the pain of childbirth, and I won't let... him (her) become a burden." As I finished speaking, a dead silence fell inside the meditation room. Only the rustling of leaves and the heavy, mingling breaths of our two people remained. She looked at me, her eyes as complex as a mist, filled with pain, shock, anger, and perhaps a hint of... complete enlightenment. We confronted each other like this, in the cool air of early autumn, in the signal of a new life quietly arriving, deadlocked into a desperate and cold sculpture.
She ultimately chose to keep the child. When Zi Ling'er announced this decision, I nearly burst into tears—not because her bloodline would continue, but because she was reluctant to sever the last connection between us.
My mother, Madam Yuzhu, insisted on coming with me to the villa to look after it. On the way back, I repeatedly contemplated how to arrange a place to stay. A ridiculous thought loomed in my mind: Would she want to sleep with me?
"Where does Lang'er live?" she suddenly asked, interrupting my wishful thinking.
"Live with me." I answered quickly, like a child eager to show off.
She lowered her eyes to avoid my gaze: "Then my mother and I can just live next door."
My nails dug deep into my palms, and I heard myself calmly reply, "Okay."
From then on, I became her most attentive servant. Every day, I personally brewed the medicine to maintain pregnancy, placing a warm jade flute beside the medicine bowl—a token she once said she used to "use sound to replace tears." Her fingertips always trembled slightly when she took the medicine bowl, and that subtle tremor reminded me of her gentle breath as she bandaged my wounds.
But the way she looked at me became colder and colder. Last night, when I was putting on more clothes, she suddenly smiled and said, "Thank you."
I wanted to tell her it was different. My obsession with Shangguan Yan back then was...
What is it?
"Zi Ling..." I reached out to touch her sleeve.
She took three steps back, the exact distance they'd been when they'd first met at Shenshui Palace. "Tomorrow, perhaps it's right to stop at the most beautiful moment."
My wheelchair bumped into the medicine shelf, and the sound of shattering porcelain bottles startled night birds. Looking at the mess on the ground, I suddenly realized that I, a perpetually snow-capped glacier, had finally waited for the sun to shine, only to lose it due to my own greed.
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