preference
Yingying and Choudoufu's marriage was finally settled, bringing a rare touch of joy to Sifang City. However, watching Zhao Lei continue to cling to Ziling with his unseemly attentions, while she simply avoided him, not skilled at rebuffing him… I felt a lump of cotton in my throat, suffocating. Zhao Lei, he'd actually seen her avoidance as a test, only to become more persistent. Amidst the boisterous wedding banquet, the clinking of glasses and the clamor of the night, I felt only the clamor of the surroundings.
Finding a gap, I led Zi Ling to a secluded corridor. The moonlight shone on her, outlining a slender and soft outline. I finally couldn't help but ask, what exactly am I like in her heart. She looked up at me, her eyes as clear as the snow water of Tianshan Mountain, and said softly: "I think... you are like a spark under the iceberg. The appearance is cold and aloof, but the blood is boiling inside." The spark under the iceberg... she saw it so clearly. An indescribable throbbing passed through my heart, and I almost asked eagerly: "Then what do you regard me as?" "Benefactor." She answered without hesitation. The warmth that had just ignited in my heart instantly cooled down. "What else?" I refused to give up. But she threw the question back to me: "What do you want me to regard you as?"
I was stunned. I hope? Of course I hope... I hope that she can understand all the deep affection that I have never expressed, and I hope that there is only me in her eyes, just as I have already engraved her into my bones and blood. But her question made me speechless for a moment, and I felt that all my thoughts were already clear enough. "I... I don't understand what you mean." She frowned slightly, with a hint of real confusion: "I don't understand what you are thinking at all." I looked at her, thinking about the exceptions I made for her, and all the special treatments I gave her. Isn't it obvious enough? "Don't you really understand?" I almost sighed. She suddenly lowered her head, and her voice trembled with a little grievance: "Don't you like your sister? Why do you care about my thoughts..."
At that moment, I suddenly understood! All the inexplicable distance and avoidance was actually due to this. She still cared about my previous obsession with Shangguan Yan. Far from being upset, this realization ignited a flame in the darkness—if she cared so much, how could there be no place for me in her heart?
A mixture of relief and joy washed over her. Before she could even think about it, she mustered up her courage, raised her slightly red eyes, and asked in a trembling voice, "Tomorrow, I have only one question for you. You've done everything for my sister, even risking your life. Was it because you truly loved her?"
At that moment, I was speechless. My pursuit of Shangguan Yan was a fact. The Dragon Goddess was beautiful and powerful, with a troubled past. I respected and cherished her. The more indifferent she became, the more I persisted. But Zi Ling's appearance gradually eroded my motivation to pursue her. Zi Ling and I even had a past as husband and wife. I could no longer pursue that bright moon, but how could I bring myself to say this? I desperately wanted to tell her about the existence of the Forget Worry Gu and her blank memories. But how could I? My master's warning was still ringing in my mind—this Gu was planted by Zi Ling. How desperate she was then. If she knew the truth, there was no guarantee she wouldn't part ways with you again. Fearing losing her again, I finally suppressed the urge to tell her the truth.
Watching her back as she turned away with determination, I almost blurted out, "No! I love you..." The word "you" rolled over my tongue, but it ultimately dissolved into a mouthful of sweet, hot blood. I could only watch her disappear from my sight. For the first time, I realized that the confinement of my legs was not even a fraction of the pain I felt at this moment.
As the night deepened, I couldn't help but feel uneasy. I quietly wheeled my wheelchair to her window. Through the lattice, I saw her sitting alone by the couch, her shoulders twitching slightly as her fingertips wiped the corners of her eyes—she was crying. At that moment, my heart ached. The initial disappointment at her distrust was now completely overwhelmed by a surge of self-blame. It was me… I had personally driven her into this situation. I always thought I'd planned everything carefully, but I'd overlooked just one thing: what she wanted wasn't a calculated probing, but an unconditional, personal affirmation. The next day, she refused to come out, even refusing to let me in when I personally brought her food. Gazing at that closed door, I first experienced what it meant to be "helpless." Just then, I saw Yingying and Chou Doufu walking together in the courtyard, so naturally and warmly. A flicker of envy rose in my heart, then quickly gave way to a deeper bitterness.
That evening, just when I could barely contain myself and was about to confess the truth—including the fact that we had once been married—Shangguan Yan arrived. She found Zi Ling and told her that she had found their biological mother, Ding Xuelian, and that she wanted to see her. Naturally, I accompanied her.
At the home of Old Man Qiu, the adoptive father of Stinky Tofu, Aunt Shangguan tearfully recounted the long-forgotten past: "Everyone says that Brother Yun and I are deeply in love, and only Yan'er enjoys the happiness of being at my side. Little do they know that this has always been an unhealable wound in my heart. My poor Ying'er was born in the spring when flowers bloomed, one and a half years younger than her sister Yan. At that time, I was ill and Brother Yun was far away from home, working hard for the foundation of Sifang City, so I returned to my hometown to give birth. Who would have thought that when Ying'er was just born, my mother-in-law saw that she was a girl and took advantage of my weakness after giving birth. She took her away from me without even letting me see her clearly and gave her to a girl from the neighboring village. To the couple who have been childless for many years! I was lying on the bed, listening to the faint cry of a baby outside the door getting farther and farther away. My heart seemed to be torn out. I cried all my tears, but I didn’t even have the strength to raise my hand. Later, when I met Ying’er, I learned that the couple had taken the child away overnight and named the child... Gao Ziling. When Brother Yun came back and learned about this, he was furious. He had a big fight with his mother-in-law and immediately took Yan’er and me away from our hometown. He felt extremely guilty towards me and my two daughters, especially towards Ying’er, whom he had never met. In fact, before Yan’er, we had a son who was still in his infancy... and was murdered by his enemies. Now... I lost Ying'er again, and I cried to Brother Yun countless times, swearing that I would never have another child before I found the child. Brother Yun felt sorry for me and felt deeply guilty. During those years, we only focused on raising Yan'er and placed all our hopes on finding our little daughter. Yan'er was sensible since she was a child. She knew that she had a sister who was wandering around. Brother Yun and I often talked to her about finding her sister. I also told her clearly that your sister has a small, petal-like red birthmark on her buttocks. Remember it. But the world is so vast, and it is so difficult to find someone! My mother-in-law felt guilty and was afraid of taking the blame, so she misled us and said that the child was taken away. to the Western Regions. Brother Yun and his sworn brother Ouyang Feiying traveled to Sifang City and later met the brothers Sima Yi and Huangfu Zhong. The four of them wanted to make achievements here, perhaps also to use this as a base to facilitate the search for people. Brother Yun is a general, shouldering the heavy responsibility of defending the land and ensuring the safety of the people, and often has no choice. I am a woman, and I have to take care of the household chores and take care of the young Yan'er, which is really exhausting. The matter of finding my daughter has been delayed again and again, and it has become the deepest regret and pain in my heart... Whenever I think of it, I feel sorry for my poor Ying'er. "So this is Zi Ling's past. She and I were abandoned by our loved ones!!!
Then he pulled out a yellowed letter. It was the one Zi Ling had left when she decided to leave. "...My sister wanted the great cause of restoring the nation, and you offered her your understanding of justice. As for me, I just want unwarranted favoritism. Since you can't give it to me, I don't want it... I'm going to find someone who can give me favoritism."
"Favoritism"! Yes, she wasn't being unreasonable. It was a survival principle I couldn't even begin to imagine, shaped by a life spent being sent away and neglected time and again. She could face the world's hardships, even death, with equanimity, but the only thing she couldn't endure was the love that was shared, the love that was incomplete! And that's exactly the kind of love I offered her. She saw it as a "deep affection" she'd shared with her sister, one filled with calculations and unspeakable secrets. It wasn't because she didn't trust me or was disappointed in me, but because she feared expecting too much from me! I couldn't wait any longer. What Master's orders, what warnings against repeating the same mistakes! The moment my fingers touched the wheelchair, Master's warning, "Once she knew the truth, there's no guarantee she wouldn't part ways with you again," felt like a yoke, trying to strangle me. But my hesitation lasted only a moment. My eyes fell once again on the letter inscribed with "Part ways, each living happily ever after," and all my fears were shattered by a single, more resolute conviction: I must never let her write a second letter like this again. I must reveal the whole truth immediately, right now, using the most thorough honesty to win back the only thing she desires, the one thing that belongs completely and exclusively to her: "favor."
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