After a night of nightmares, Xue Jing, with dark circles under his eyes, abruptly got up from his old Simmons mattress in the early morning.
Hugging the blanket with both arms, he pulled down the blindfold covering his eyes and stared blankly at the dimly lit sky outside the window for a while, seemingly forgetting where he was.
After looking around and seeing the ripped-open suitcase lying on the carpet not far away, Xue Jing covered his head with the blanket and lay back down in frustration.
One cough, followed by two more, and the white blankets arched into a huge arc, making it impossible to tell whether the creature lurking beneath was a male human who had just gotten up or a rabbit hiding in its hole.
The hotel room remained quiet for five minutes before a soft rustling sound resumed. An arm emerged from under the blanket near the left bedside table. Xue Jing stretched out her delicate fingers and felt around in a half-meter square area near the bedside for several seconds before pulling her charging phone under the blanket.
He unplugged the charger, and the bed was pitch black except for the phone screen that was pressed against his nose.
A strangely angled light source scatters upwards from the bridge of his nose, casting a crystalline reflection in his eyes. His thick eyelashes, like branches reaching towards the sky, cast shimmering silhouettes on his pupils.
He would never go to dinner with her, not even if it meant death.
But the text message he sent himself last night didn't seem to express a refusal.
After exiting his inbox, he went into his WeChat contacts and easily found the WeChat account he had saved as "Ha Yue" in the starred list.
Ha Yue's WeChat nickname has remained unchanged since college, consisting of the single letter H. Xue Jing's nickname is the same, consisting of the single letter X.
In June 2020, the second year after their breakup, WeChat added the ultimate social media feature of tapping profile pictures during an update. This feature is still active today, so Xue Jing has to hold his breath when he taps Ha Yue's profile picture to avoid accidentally triggering a notification.
Ha Yue's WeChat Moments remains a flat line, and her profile picture is still that cute little dog that's been worn out by the internet, a Maltese.
Based on that single line alone, Xue Jing wasn't sure if Ha Yue had deleted her old Moments at some point when she was going through a rough patch, or if she simply hadn't understood the message he sent her last night.
He really didn't intend to spark a romantic relationship with her, but he was curious about what kind of expression she would have when she found out she was still on her blacklist.
Opening the chat window between the two people, what greets the eye is still that all-too-familiar conversation they had after their breakup.
The person in the green box is Xue Jing, who looks somewhat uneasy and pitiful because the messages he sent were messy and disorganized.
"Ha Yue, can we talk again?"
Why did things have to escalate to this point?
"Give me a little trust, okay? It won't take too long. One year, just one year. If I don't make a name for myself, I'll get a job immediately."
"I can give you what you want. I just need a little time. Don't we have plenty of time in the future?"
The one in the white frame is Ha Yue, whose words are as cold as a knife.
"No need."
"We are not a good match, and we have no future together."
"I wish you happiness."
Immediately afterwards, the words, "But breaking up won't make me happy," were not sent.
The small white text at the bottom says that the other party has refused to receive your messages.
Ha Yue blocked him, and she couldn't see the last few words, "I still love you."
After the breakup, Xue Jing did not delete the tens of thousands of chat records between Ha Yue and himself. The reason was not because he said he still loved her four years ago, but because he needed this stain to prove that he was not a victim in life. Whenever he felt he had lost his fighting spirit, he would take out this chat record and whip himself.
At first, the reading experience was stinging and frustrating; later, it turned into anger and resentment.
These complex emotions have motivated him to produce more than twenty books over the years. During his graduate studies, he attended classes during the day and wrote at night. During holidays, he insisted on writing at least 10,000 words a day while traveling. Regardless of the quality of the manuscript or how much was ultimately cut, he regarded writing as a habit for survival. He was afraid that if he did not produce anything for a day, he would fall back into the abyss of self-doubt.
He has so much to express through his work, and most importantly, he wants Ha Yue to see his success.
He wanted to prove that he could also realize his self-worth through fictional creation, which she looked down upon the most.
However, in the past year, he no longer needs to specifically open this conversation, and he knows that he no longer feels any emotion about this past event.
In fact, he had long understood that a relationship begins with two people, but when it ends, only one person needs to say no. The price of being an adult is to accept all the cruelty that others inflict upon you.
Sartre said, "Hell is other people."
Over the years, he has experienced success, then bottlenecks, and finally reached this point. His hell has changed from Ha Yue to himself.
There is no such thing as perfection in this world, and there is no need to hate anyone.
Xue Jing had typed a message in the chat box, but after thinking about it, he deleted it.
It was a mistake for him to reply to Ha Yue's message last night, and now he can't make that mistake worse.
He must not be curious about Ha Yue's present or future; this is both politeness and restraint.
What would happen if he compounded his mistake? It would be like not only lifting a rock to drop it on his own foot, but also bending over, enduring the pain, to lift the rock again and smash his other foot into a comminuted fracture.
Who wants to be a masochist? Xue Jing isn't some pervert.
Lifting the covers, Xue Jing's pale features were once again exposed. He unscrewed the bottled water provided by the hotel and gulped down half of it. As usual, he opened his email, logged into Weibo, and replied to the important messages. Then he stretched and carefully selected a clean set of clothes from his suitcase before going into the bathroom.
His slightly pretentious outfit from yesterday wasn't suitable for climbing the mountain, so he planned to dress more appropriately today.
Besides going up the mountain with Director Zhao from the Cultural Bureau at 8:30, he planned to go downstairs to find a place to have breakfast before going up the mountain, familiarize himself with the surrounding streets, take a walk by himself, and most importantly, he also needed to buy some spare medicine.
Putting aside his mood, physically, his throat did feel dry and sore yesterday because of his ex-girlfriend's drafty tricycle.
His bronchi are weak, and if he catches a cold and his cough can't be suppressed, it will lead to a fever, then bloodshot eyes and sleepless nights. The disease he developed in childhood has stubbornly remained no matter how much he takes care of himself as an adult, just like a terrible shoddy construction project. If the foundation is not laid well, no matter how much it is repaired later, there will still be loopholes.
Fortunately, the situation wasn't too serious today.
The showerhead was turned on, and hot water flowed freely. Steam quickly rose from the gaps in the glass door of the bathroom. Inside the suitcase, no one noticed that the carelessly tossed-together phone suddenly lit up.
Ha Yue and Zhao Chunni had a very lavish breakfast this morning.
Laba porridge with red dates and lotus seeds, scallion pancakes that can be quickly pan-fried without thawing, and pickled radish strips that are dried, washed, and then mixed with sugar, sesame oil, chili powder, and other seasonings.
In addition to these vegetarian dishes, there was also a large bowl of soft and tender steamed egg custard topped with shrimp and crab meat.
Ha Yue got up half an hour early to prepare these items.
Before going to bed last night, she took her winter quilt out of the closet and put it on. In addition, the room was warmer after the heating was turned on.
The temperature was just right, and as soon as her head hit the pillow last night, she fell into a deep sleep without having time to think about any worries, and slept soundly until the alarm clock rang.
This morning, Zhao Chunni did not spill the water for washing her face. On the contrary, while Ha Yue was preparing the ingredients, she took the initiative to go to the yard to pour water herself, and then picked up the goose feathers scattered all over the yard with a broom.
So, when the mother and daughter sat facing each other at the round dining table and started eating, Ha Yue only dared to start mentally rehearsing her lines after glancing at Zhao Chunni's rosy complexion.
While steaming the egg custard, she checked the discounted airfares for the next two months; there was a budget flight from Lincheng to Jicheng next week. Another brain CT scan was necessary, and this time, she also wanted her mother to undergo a cognitive test to assess the rate of progression of her illness.
She's unsure how to proceed if the situation is worse than she imagines.
Let's take it one step at a time; every difficulty will be overcome.
Ha Yue lowered her head, stirred the eight-treasure porridge in her bowl with a spoon, and called out to Zhao Chunni casually.
Looking up again, Zhao Chunni, unusually, put down her chopsticks at the table and, without waiting for her to speak, asked her, "Have you thought about what I discussed with you yesterday?"
"What's wrong?" Ha Yue was completely confused.
"What did you say? I was talking about going to catch two piglets to raise. I told you about it for so long yesterday, and you've already forgotten?"
"Mom... pigs aren't..." Ha Yue's spoon fell back into the bowl, and her eyebrows furrowed.
Upon seeing her expression, Zhao Chunni's anger flared up. Before she could finish speaking, she slammed her hand on the table, stood up, and began to berate her, "You still know I'm your mother? I'm not going to listen to you now. What's the trouble of raising two pigs? They can grow up on leftovers. I can take care of myself. I don't need you to wait on me."
"The dirt and mess are just excuses. You used to spend plenty of summer and winter vacations at your grandma's house. Didn't you love going back to the countryside when you were little? How smelly can a few pigs be? You just don't want to make me happy."
Zhao Chunni got more and more excited as she talked, her eyes widening like saucers.
“You’re always like this, gloomy and full of bad intentions, always going against me. I told you not to go to university in another city, and you secretly went to the school and changed the application form you had filled out. Of all the schools you could fill out, you had to choose the one with the most expensive tuition. Once you got to university, you were like a wild dog that had run wild, never coming home for four years. The winter of your senior year, I broke my leg while I was buying goods and was bedridden at home for two months, and you still had the nerve to ask me if I could scrape together some money for you to go abroad for some kind of graduate program.”
At this point, Zhao Chunni became like a broken record, rattling off one tale after another, as if she wanted to recount all of Ha Yue's crimes throughout her life.
"Well, you've graduated from university. I thought you could make something of yourself. Aren't you capable? Aren't you awesome? Why don't you buy a big house in Jicheng and bring your old mother over to enjoy her retirement? Let me experience the rewards of raising a child."
"And what was the result? I still have to work so hard to keep that little shop afloat. Do you know how cold it is in there in winter? To save on electricity, my toes got frostbite, and they would ooze pus every winter!"
Ha Yue had heard the exact same words a month ago, and going back further, these trivial accusations were what Zhao Chunni liked to repeat when she was angry. So Ha Yue didn't argue with Zhao Chunni. She stood up, not to escalate the conflict, but just to pat Zhao Chunni on the shoulder to help her relax. "Mom, calm down and let me finish what I have to say."
Who knew that Zhao Chunni wouldn't let her touch her, took a step back, and pointed her finger at her nose defensively: "Do you think I don't know what you're thinking? You hate me to death because I got this disease, don't you?"
"You must be feeling incredibly wronged, aren't you? You were asked to come back from Jicheng to take care of your old mother."
“I’ve told you so many times, my illness has been misdiagnosed! I’m perfectly fine, so why won’t you let me go out? Why won’t you let me raise pigs? Why do you control everything I do? You keep telling me to take medicine, take medicine, I think you’re just getting revenge on me.”
"Can any medicine be without side effects? Are you trying to poison me?!"
The accusations escalated from personal attacks to hypothetical crimes.
Seeing that Ha Yue not only didn't retort, but her expression gradually became indifferent and wooden, Zhao Chunni felt no satisfaction. Instead, she sensed a strange feeling seeping from her very bones. She seemed to remember something, but she couldn't grasp the thoughts in her mind no matter what she did. All she could do was scream anxiously.
"say!"
"say!"
Why aren't you saying anything?
“Speak! Speak up! Go ask around the streets, what have I done to wrong you? I provide you with food and drink, I send you to school in Jicheng, how can you act so inhuman?”
"Do you even have a heart? You're just like your damn father!"
"You just want to go back to Jicheng and live your own good life, right? You're not going to say anything, are you? Then go ahead and leave. I don't need you to take care of me at all. I'm perfectly fine on my own."
Of course, Ha Yue wouldn't leave because of what she said. Seeing that Ha Yue still didn't react, Zhao Chunni had no choice but to resort to this tactic and run out the door herself.
Ha Yue pursed her lips tightly and grabbed her wrist.
In the past two years, Zhao Chunni has gained a few pounds, but at some point, she, who used to be able to support her family, began to become physically weak. Ha Yue didn't have to use much force to force her will to pull her into the yard.
Ha Yue strode to the west wing, pushed open the door, and silently shoved Zhao Chunni inside.
Inside the room, the piglets, who had just eaten their feed that morning, were snuggling together and sleeping. Hearing the sound, they twitched their ears and ran back to their food bowls, squealing.
The pig was there, and judging from the simple fence and decorations around it, it seemed to have been there for more than just a day or two.
But when were they first raised? Zhao Chunni tried her best to search her memory, but could not find the answer she wanted.
Her chaotic thoughts were tangled together, making her expression dazed.
Zhao Chunni stared blankly at the two piglets in front of her, as if time and her body had frozen together. After about ten minutes, she mechanically turned her head and asked Ha Yue with a childlike expression of trying to please an adult, "Yueyue, pigs, have we been raising them for a long time?"
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