Maintaining a background that doesn't belong to you is not an easy task.
To show her generosity, Ha Yue rarely splits the bill with her roommates when they go out to party; she usually treats them instead.
However, the living expenses Zhao Chunni gave her could only guarantee that she wouldn't starve to death in Jicheng, so every winter and summer vacation, she would use various excuses not to go home and stay in Jicheng to do holiday work.
At first, I worked as a part-time worker with room and board provided, preparing meals in a no-name fast food restaurant, earning five dollars an hour, and working more than twelve hours a day.
She could earn over two thousand yuan in one holiday, and five thousand yuan in two holidays, enough to cover her social expenses at school. It was common for her to eat steamed buns after treating others to meals. Even on days without gatherings, she would often hide in a corner of the cafeteria and eat the cheapest stir-fried bean sprouts and cold potato salad.
At the beginning of her junior year of college, after starting a relationship with Xue Jing, her expenses and income began to become seriously out of sync.
In the past, she could pretend that she didn't care about her appearance in front of her roommates. The reason she always wore the same clothes and used the cheapest toiletries was because her family had taught her that girls should pay more attention to their inner qualities.
During the semester, she focused all her attention on her studies and indeed achieved good grades through hard work.
In her first love, especially with Xue Jing, a true second-generation rich kid, her meager self-esteem skyrocketed like a function y=x.
Besides her inner qualities, she suddenly became very concerned about whether her appearance was equally beautiful. She took great care in dressing herself up, frequently buying clothes and cosmetics, and learning how to become beautiful. At the same time, she was wary of Xue Jing bringing her material pity out of love.
Love must have been real, otherwise Ha Yue could have easily taken advantage of Xue Jing's wealthy family background to freeload. But Ha Yue, who was experiencing love for the first time in her life, didn't know that loving someone could also generate a strong competitive spirit like a tsunami.
Seeing how others viewed Xue Jing, she would secretly grit her teeth, wanting to be on par with Xue Jing in every aspect.
She didn't want everyone to give her that subtle, condescending look whenever they saw the two of them standing together.
Nowadays, many older women sell a sense of relaxation to girls who are struggling with peer pressure online. But college life back then was a different story. Everyone was caught up in the pressure and running around. Nobody taught Ha Yue how to relax in love.
She's like a cat chasing its own tail, anxious, insecure, and then trying to put on a brave face, going around in circles in a frantic cycle, pretending to be loved when she's starving, pretending to be rich when she's broke, and even wanting to gnaw on her own fingers to stave off hunger.
Ha Yue and Xue Jing strictly adhered to the "split the bill" system when they ate together, a rule she insisted on herself, because it was a way to distinguish herself from others. Whenever Xue Jing gave Ha Yue a gift, she always reciprocated with something of equal value, to prove that she was not inferior to him.
Girls in love mostly look forward to various holidays. Flowers, cakes, and gifts are the highlights of love, representing the threshold for being pampered.
But during those two years, Ha Yue was terrified of all the romantic rituals. Every Valentine's Day, birthday, or anniversary approached, she would suffer from insomnia due to fear, afraid that Xue Jing would launch a surprise attack: giving her luxury goods or nagging her to plan a trip.
She simply couldn't afford the cost of traveling together, let alone gifts that cost tens of thousands of yuan.
During the holidays, her hourly wages were a drop in the bucket, so she started working as a live-in nanny for a wealthy family. During the day, she would tutor the children and take them to extracurricular classes, and at night, she would lie in the small nanny's room in the villa and make video calls with Xue Jing.
She would avoid the photos that customers hung on the wall, secretly take pictures of the villa's interior, and tell Xue Jing that this was another property her parents owned in another city.
She could only see her parents during holidays, and the time she spent with her family was precious, so she had to part ways with him in Jicheng.
Later they kissed, held hands, and slept together.
There were certainly happy times during their courtship. Xue Jing was handsome, well-mannered, and generous. He respected her in every way and always prioritized her feelings, both emotionally and physically.
He is the perfect boyfriend, embodying the ideal in his actions, even his sweet talk is beautiful.
Every time Xue Jing's tender kiss landed on her forehead, she felt like a sinner who had been redeemed, and much of her inner turmoil was dispelled.
More importantly, Xue Jing wasn't the kind of playboy who would play around with people's lives; he was genuinely and wholeheartedly planning his future with her.
Seventeen years ago, before Elizabeth Warren, who had tested positive for cancer in Silicon Valley, was charged with "massive fraud" by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, glittering young entrepreneurs were emerging one after another, American business rules were prevailing around the world, and many ambitious students in the School of Foreign Languages at Jilin University regarded "Fake it till you make it" as a philosophy of life.
Ha Yue also painstakingly faked her image in Xue Jing's eyes.
After pretending for so long, there was a moment when she even forgot the lies she had woven.
She began to believe that Xue Jing was her Prince Charming, that he would overcome all obstacles and difficulties, and that they would finally be together.
The Ugly Duckling may eventually rise to the top, and Cinderella may eventually wear glass slippers; she just needs to try a little harder.
Even during her senior year winter break, when Xue Jing casually asked her if she planned to study abroad after graduation, she unexpectedly made the phone call that her mother had criticized for many years.
Ha Yue wanted to know how much money Zhao Chunni could lend her so that she could go abroad to study with Xue Jing.
Ha Yue believes she doesn't need much; just some initial capital to get a passport and buy plane tickets. In time, she can repay her mother many times over.
She could do it; she believed in her hard-working nature. Besides, she spoke excellent English, so even if Xue Jing didn't help her, she could survive abroad.
She believes that her disguise is also a form of gamble; like other entrepreneurs, she is creating a better future for herself.
But before she could finish speaking, she was met with a barrage of insults and abuse from her mother.
The temperature of love must have started to cool down from that point on. The growing attachment was mixed with cheap shame, like ice and fire, with undercurrents brewing.
In the short term, Ha Yue cannot go abroad or pursue a master's degree. The four years of tuition she spent at Jida University was the most luxurious privilege Zhao Chunni could provide for her.
Ha Yue understood that the family support she could enjoy was time-limited. She had already been raised by her mother for twenty-two years with great care, and she had no right to ask her mother for more money.
If Xue Jing truly wanted a future with her, then he had no choice but to humble himself, accommodate her difficult situation, let her be self-sufficient first, and then wait for her to slowly accumulate some money that she could invest in herself.
But why did he do that?
Why would someone with a silver spoon in their mouth give up all the privileges society gives them to become a beggar who has to eat with their hands?
With a fast lane available, who would choose to join a long, seemingly endless queue?
Love can be priced, it can be an exchange of resources or a complementary exchange of values, but it is definitely not a poverty alleviation project.
Especially considering that Ha Yue's ticket to dating him was stolen.
Men and women whose relationships fail ultimately all come down to one thing: "You've changed."
But what if the Ha Yue that Xue Jing fell in love with from the very beginning was a fake?
Ha Yue couldn't imagine the look of disdain on the face of the person she loved, as if they were looking at an insect.
Thus, Ha Yue and Xue Jing's smooth-sailing relationship began to experience frequent conflicts starting in the second semester of their senior year.
Ha Yue would find every excuse to destroy the remaining affection between them. She mocked his dream of becoming a writer, ridiculed his fragile nerves, and even attacked his habit of enjoying the luxuries of his parents' money. She would always inexplicably start a big fight with him over trivial matters, her attitude aggressive, like a fighting rooster determined to win, only to quickly succumb, panicked and regretful, bursting into tears, and trembling as she clung to him, begging for a kiss.
Although Xue Jing was confused and clueless during these emotional upheavals, he thought he had done something wrong.
But Ha Yue knew where their problem lay: her initial intentions were too filthy and greedy. She knew she would definitely lose him, but she was also afraid that day would truly knock on her door.
Even in such harsh conditions, their relationship, like a tenacious plant rooted in the cracks of bricks, survived by sheer willpower.
In the months leading up to their breakup, Xue Jing silently endured every argument until she broke down first. Then, the two of them would quickly apply a bandage to these festering wounds with physical intimacy.
They argued, then bit each other, giving each other a suffocating breath until sweat trembled on their skin.
Then they argue again, then reconcile, endlessly repeating this cycle, turning harmful emotions into a fixed pattern, like frequent drug withdrawal.
Xue Jing eventually gave up studying abroad and rented a small apartment near her internship company.
He plans to take a gap year to fully dedicate himself to his beloved literary creation.
Suddenly, all the conditions that led to happiness were cut off, the hourglass of time stopped flowing, and Ha Yue was no longer afraid of the future.
Their cohabitation period was short, but it quickly propelled their relationship to an unprecedented high.
Because she already possessed the resilience to work in the workforce, coupled with her diligence and sweet talk, Ha Yue was already able to earn a stable monthly income at her workplace, slightly higher than all the other recent graduates who were new to the job market.
While all their classmates were busy contacting professors, retaking the civil service exam, or even sending out resumes to find decent jobs before graduation, the two of them stayed off campus, living a comfortable and ordinary life like an old married couple.
Every morning, Ha Yue puts on her makeup in front of the mirror while wearing high heels, and Xue Jing has already placed the packed breakfast and coffee in the entryway.
After a long day at work, Ha Yue rubbed her sore neck as she walked down the office building. Xue Jing had been waiting for her for a long time, sitting on the opposite bench with his back to the sunset, waving at her.
During the day, the two are busy with their own things. Ha Yue runs errands for her seniors at the company, while Xue Jing creates his dreams on blank documents.
Ten hours later, they seemed to emerge from the deep sea, breathing heavily, returning to the reality that belonged only to the two of them: going to the supermarket together in the evening, eating at hole-in-the-wall restaurants, strolling down the main road, and not feeling lonely even when they couldn't sleep at night, like silverfish, they would go straight into each other's pajamas and leave a wet kiss.
The small apartment they rented together was on the cheapest top floor, which, besides being very hot in the summer, also had an oddly shaped skylight facing their double bed.
Strong sunlight is a nightmare for silk bedding, but fortunately they can only afford yellowed cotton and linen products.
As for the excess potentially carcinogenic ultraviolet rays? Just sprinkle them on your skin and treat it like sunbathing.
Tourists spend large sums of money to flock to the artificial beach to experience nature; they only need to open their windows to enjoy free green breezes untouched by exhaust fumes.
More than once, Xue Jing would hold her hand in the quiet of the night and let her touch the bright moon outside the glass.
He said, "How about we get married?"
Immediately afterwards, Xue Jing's ears turned a blush of shyness. He seemed afraid that she would reject him. He then took Ha Yue's hand, pressed it to his chin, kissed it hard, and closed his eyes again, trying to save face in the darkness: "I was just thinking, if marriage is like this, it seems pretty good."
What do you think?
A marriage based on love can be fulfilling without grand and expensive ceremonies, and can also avoid tedious and hurtful negotiations between families.
All the rules of marriage and relationships fail; all it takes is for her to say "I do."
Yes, Ha Yue would certainly agree. If time could stop at that moment and she could never grow old again, she would silently agree as well.
But as she lay in the bright moonlight, gently pressing her ear against Xue Jing's chest, the thunderous pounding of his heart made her eyes sting, so she heard herself forcing a smile.
"You wish! You're even skipping the proposal? You should at least use your royalties to buy a diamond ring and kneel down on one knee."
“Wow, that’s it,” she laughed, and Xue Jing laughed along. He thought it was just another joke, so he rolled over and pinned her down, intertwining his fingers and tickling her neck with the bridge of his nose. “What if I write something really bad, and not only do I not sell a single book, but I also have to self-publish it? Forget about diamond rings, we might have to use pull tabs in the future.”
"Let me measure your finger first to see if it fits the pre-set ring size. Do you prefer Coke or Sprite?"
As she dodged, her ring finger was pulled close to her mouth. Dizzy, Ha Yue comforted herself: they're still young; perhaps there are no rules to define first love. Maybe, in a year or two, everything will fall into place.
But what is stolen must eventually be returned. Ha Yue forgot that the Ugly Duckling was originally a descendant of a swan, and Cinderella had the blood of a legitimate daughter. Even fairy tales never lie.
Her first love ended on the day she returned to school to receive her graduation certificate, in a way that resembled a gecko shedding its tail.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
